Someone to stay
by Matt9717
Summary: "Sometimes you take unusual detours or parallel roads destined not to meet again. I hope it's not our case, but if it is, wherever I go, at any moment, I'll be with my hand outstretched, waiting for the heat of yours, to make sure that those two roads cross again." It's been two years since the breakup. Two years of silence. What happens now?
1. Chapter 1

**~ Broken Heart ~**

Pov Beca

It's only 6:00 a.m. and I am already awake. I will have slept just 3 hours, and a busy day awaits me, very well. I turn slowly to my left and notice how the girl on my side sleeps placidly. A few pale rays of sunshine filter through the window resting on her face. I can't help but notice the differences, it's not her.

No one can be like her.

I desperately tried to sweep her away from my thoughts, to lock her in a remote drawer of my mind but every morning, every evening, and at any time of the day when I'm not busy, she pops out. Mostly. It's like an annoying pop up that doesn't want to close and keeps coming back. It's like a song that repeats itself in your mind until you get bored, until you get exasperated, until you find another one and replace it.

But I can't. I just can't change the record in my head, in my heart. There's only one name written, and it's hers. But how did I get reduced? I know that I should have gone further, I should have overcome it. It's been years now. Since that damn day my brain seems to have gone into default mode. As much as I try to change the register, it all goes back to the starting point.

I have to stop.

My gaze slips over the silhouette next to me and I can't suppress the frustration I feel. Despite the night spent with Criss (she is called that?... I think) has been more than eventful, if you understand what I mean, there is nothing that can take away the enormous weight that every morning I feel on my chest. I know that spending every night in a different pub between alcohol and sex is wrong, but now it's the only way out that I have. Although my liver is asking for mercy at the moment.

I slowly move the sheet and try to make as much silence as possible, getting out of bed so I can get dressed. The room looks like a battlefield, as always. Fortunately, I can find a shirt and a short at the foot of the bed.  
My attention is captured by my iPhone, which never ceases to light up to report messages received last night. I didn't really pay much attention to it, I didn't want to interrupt what I had started and so I left it on the chest of drawers near the door.

They seemed to have gone crazy on the Bellas group, there were more than 50 messages in the conversation, Amy contacted me several times, as well as Stacie. What the hell happened so urgently?

Without waiting any longer, I leave the room and head to the kitchen to prepare my coffee, my only salvation. After filling a cup, I lean with my forearms to the island of open space and finally start to check the notifications received in these hours.

I instantly immobilize myself, I also forget how to breathe. It's not possible.

👯 **Bellas** 🎶🎤

_Chloe Beale: Girrrrrrlllssss, I have to give you some important news 😻_

_Aubrey: Really? What is it about Chloe?_

_Jessica & Ashley: Oh, my God, what happened?_

_(don't ask me why, but they share the number)_

_Stacie long leg: Go ahead and shoot, we want to know_

_Fat Amy: Come on, carrot hair. We are all ears 👂_

_Chloe Beale: Get ready..._

_Fat Amy: oh come on, you fell asleep on the screen?_

_Chloe: I got engaged officially! In June I'm getting married 😍😍😍😍❤️❤️❤️❤️💍💍💍_

_Aubrey: Oh, my God!_

_Flo: Chloeeeeee congratulationssss 😘😘😘😘_

_Chloe Beale: obviously you're all invited, I'll give you the details later, but I'm so excited!_

_Aubrey: I can't believe I'm so happy for you! 😍❤️_

…

I haven't read anything else. I just heard the noise of something that literally shattered. And no, I'm not talking about the cup that just fell on the floor breaking into a thousand pieces, and the hot coffee that's burning my feet.

She's getting married. In June. In 3 months.

I look at the ground and I can't understand how something like this could have happened. How did the cup fall off? And above all, how did my heart fall? How is it possible to go deeper than I am already? Is there an end or will I continue to fall without ever stopping? Is there a prize as a gift, after collecting the points for all the times that my heart has broken?

I am distracted by the incessant vibration I feel in my hand. Amy is calling me, but at the moment I don't want to talk to anyone, to see anyone. I wish it were just a bad dream.

I feel the door of the room open and after a few seconds here comes Criss towards me with a smile printed on her lips. God, it makes me sick.

_There's coffee there, have some if you want. I'm going out. When I come back I don't want to find you here anymore_.

I turn around and go to the door of the house to be able to leave, from her face the smile disappeared as soon as I began to speak. I didn't want to be so direct but at the moment I don't care. I could even take someone's head off because of the anger I feel. Criss answers me with a faint _"good morning to you too"_ but I have already crossed the threshold and closed the door behind me to be able to return the greeting. I walk quickly on the sidewalk and I don't know how, but I find myself running at breakneck speed through the streets of LA, until I reach Mount Lee. I recognize how the letters of the writing Hollywood slowly get closer, but I decide to stop because my lungs require air and I think that if I had to continue running I would probably have a heart attack.

Chloe. My Chloe. Mine, oh, my God. Not anymore, it's somebody else's, it's of the States, Chicago. What kind of name is Chicago? How is it possible that she fell in love with someone like him? How is it possible that in 3 months she gets married? I don't understand it anymore.

Once we were best friends, in our first year of college we were inseparable, we were for a long time in reality. I was the classic "fuck off, I'm a badass" girl and I could hardly make friends. Or to exchange a few words with any thinking creature in college. I was keeping everyone at arm's length, or the others were keeping arm's length from me, I have yet to understand. However, at the activity fair my eyes stumbled upon a red-haired girl, although red is too narrow a term to describe them. They were the color of the sunset of a midsummer evening, shiny, beautiful. The wavy locks fell on her shoulders and surrounded her face, in stark contrast to her fair complexion. But what took my breath away were her eyes. I don't think I've seen such an intense blue anywhere else. It looked like the ocean, the shining sky without clouds, it looked like infinity. I don't know if it exists, but I'm sure if it did, it would have the color of its eyes. At the exact moment when our eyes crossed I felt a strange feeling in my stomach, at the time I thought it was the tacos I had eaten at lunch, but with hindsight I knew it was her. It was always her.

Within a few minutes she managed to break down the walls that I had raised with difficulty in previous years, to avoid being hurt again. She wanted me to join her a cappella group. The Barden Bellas. That's absurd. Me in an a cappella group? Never.

Needless to say, after a week I found myself at the auditions and in the following years the Bellas became my family. We went through a lot of them together, always together, although at the beginning I had a lot of difficulties to be "accepted" by the leader of the group, Aubrey. She thought I was far too alternative for them, I think she still thinks so, to tell the truth, but it doesn't matter. It's not the same anymore, of course we keep in touch, but since 2 years everything has changed. We split up, albeit in a rather veiled way, and I hated it with all my heart. In them I had found the family I never had, the support I was never given, and now there is none more of that.

The fourth year of college was one of the most terrible, challenging and above all the year I admitted to myself that I felt something for my best friend. For Chloe. I was so insecure, I was afraid of ruining everything, of driving away the only person who meant the world to me, of being rejected, despised, left alone.

At the time, I was with Jesse, maybe I was looking for a way to suppress all those feelings that emerged every time we talked, or I was close to her or I just looked at her. I was really crushed, lost. I was, it's not exactly the right tense. I would say that I am still, since I find myself here, on a plateau overlooking my city that slowly wakes up, thinking of the wedding to be held in 3 months. I feel empty, as if I had been dug into my chest and taken away all that remained. No one tells you that once your heart is broken, it can happen again. You think that's all there is to it, that once broken there's nothing else that can make you feel bad. But no, because no matter how many times it is broken, a broken heart can continue to break indefinitely and you can do absolutely nothing to avoid it.

I am distracted from my thoughts by the continuous calls of Amy and Stacie, I should answer otherwise they will not stop tormenting me.

_Hello?_

_Beca, what the hell? What happened to you? I've been trying to call you for half an hour!_

_Amy, tell me, I don't have time._

_I saw you running like a gazelle chased by a lion, it looked like you were taking part in a relay race. Are you okay?_

Eh, how am I. What a useless question.

_Not exactly. And anyway, at least I'm keeping fit._

_Yeah, the only times I've seen you run were two and we both know that they weren't particularly happy moments. You're lazy by nature Mitchell and I don't buy it._

How is it possible that she should always have the answer ready? And I'm not lazy, I'm otherwise active.

_What do you want, Amy? Get to the point._

_Well, I don't know if you've had a chance to read the conversation... Buuut... here, Chloeinvitedustonighttothehousetocelebratethenewsofthewedding._

_Excuse me? I didn't understand anything_

_Chloe, tonight, at the house, party._

_I didn't understand, could you repeat?_

_Beca, you sometimes look so stupid more than Legacy, and it's a difficult thing to overcome._

…

Shift, my brain is still processing the information. I haven't read all the conversation, that's true. I got stuck with the first messages and didn't go on. It hurt too much. Tonight Chloe is having a party at her house to celebrate the news, and she has invited us. Us. It means that I'm included too. How can she invites me to such a thing? How can she even thinks that I could introduce myself? But knowing it certainly won't have posed the slightest problem. She is a social animal by nature, it never excludes anyone, she involves everyone and she must have thought that this is a good opportunity for us to get together. Yeah.

_Earth calls Beca, earth calls Beca. Are you there shawshank?_

_Yes Amy, I'm here. It's just that I didn't read the whole conversation and I was surprised, that's all._

_What did you expect? It's Chloe, for her every excuse is good for a reunion and singing. She certainly couldn't exclude you, but she still wants an answer by lunch so she can get organized. What are you doing, coming?_

_I don't know, it's not the best time to go and celebrate the news of her wedding for me._

_Oh, come on, don't see it that way. Just think there'll be free food and drinks. What do you care about the rest? Come on, come on, come on._

It's no use. She knows me too well. I can never say no to free food and alcohol, especially if then there will also be the Bellas, which, I will never admit out loud, I miss. And I miss her too.

_I mean, you're Beca fucking Mitchell, you can't miss something like that. And then there will be me and Stacie and we'll drink so much that we don't even remember who we are. Well... you at most, I'll throw myself on the appetizers, I hope there are the spicy ones... Mmmmm_

_Amy, stop drooling. You can't think of spicy appetizers this time of morning. You're incorrigible._

_Okay ShawShank, so I'll pick you up at 8:00p.m. from home, have you ready. Seeyabye!_

I don't even have time to answer that on the other side I don't feel anything anymore. She shut her phone in my face. Typical of Amy.

It's 8:00 a.m. now, I'll have to hurry if I want to get to the studio on time. It's going to be a long, very long day.


	2. Chapter 2

**~ Last Friday Night ~**

Pov Beca

Y_es, yes Blake, I'm coming. Oh, my goodness!_

Blake, my assistant, manager, henchman, sometimes even shrink, who for at least 10 minutes has been pestering me with phone calls because I'm slightly late. If clearly by slightly, we mean 40 minutes late. Okay, it's true,it took me a while to get ready and get out of home, but unfortunately the dear friend in the skull box, today, decided not to cooperate.

Last night I came home late from the party at... Hell, I can't even pronounce her name.

Yes, I did. They literally dragged me to the party against my will. After the morning call with Fat Amy and the ride from Mount Lee to home, I had a chance to think and it didn't seem like a good idea to show up. I had sent a chat message to the Bellas, albeit with great difficulty, so I could warn that I would not attend the party: "Duty calls".

I improvised an important meeting at the recording studio, which I could not miss and so I kindly declined the invitation. Or at least I hope it seemed like that. Not that I care that it's clear. Or is it?

Obviously there was no meeting, in fact at 6 pm I was already at home on the couch depressed with a tub of ice cream to keep me company and the TV on. What a pitiful scene. There's no need to comment on what happened about two hours later, the chaos.

_¦**Flashback**¦_

I hear you knocking on the front door. Anyone who is continuous will have to pay for it again.

_I'm coming, just a minute!_

I scream in the hope that I will hear myself. What the hell. I open the door without even checking who is through the peephole, in a hurry to rage against him and return to my beloved tub of ice cream. No one can interrupt me when I eat ice cream.

_Now explain to me why you're standing me up and I want more than reasonable motivation._

I stand still for a few seconds and stare into the eyes of the person in front of me. Without saying a word, I turn around and close the door behind me, heading towards the living room to resume the position of before, when...

_Beca open this door, go! You won't get rid of me so quickly!_

Jesus, why won't anyone leave me alone today? After all, I don't ask for anything, I just want to stay out of my business, is it so complicated to accept?

Needless to say, the door was about to come down, and God only knows how it is still fixed to the doorpost.

_What is it?_

_Why are you still like this? You have to prepare yourself!_

_Forgive me, but I'm not following you, Stacie._

After staring at me for an endless moment, without even answering me, she enters the house and, taking me by the wrist, literally drags me into my bedroom, throwing me in an unkind way on the armchair near the window. It was a matter of seconds, I didn't even have time to fight it.

_Now you change, take off that shameful pajama with the ducks you insist on wearing at your venerable age, and come with me to the party. And no, you have no say in it_.

I am impressed to see how Stacie has practically slipped into my closet and is throwing my clothes all over the place in the hope of finding someone she likes.

After a moment of trance, I return to myself and try to get back in hand. Without succeeding, of course.

_Okay, okay stop! First, my pajamas are beautiful and you have no right to judge. Second point, I'd like to remind you that I'm younger than you, even if I'm a month younger, and third point, I'm not moving from home._

_Beca, come on. All of them will be there, it's been an eternity since we got together and it won't be the same without you._

Finally Stacie stops and turns towards me with one of my clothes in her hands again. I can see how sorry she is that I don't want to attend the party, but she's stronger than me, I can't do it. How should I introduce myself? What face should I shake the hand of States with, and congratulate him? How can I look into the eyes of the woman that I.. No. No Beca. You don't even have to think about it. You can't.

_Look Stace, I know, but I just don't think I can do it. I don't... I don't know how to behave, what to say, what should I tell her? "Hey Chloe, congratulations on your wedding, I'm so happy for you"? I can't pretend, much less with her. And then how could she have invited me? Seriously, Stace, how could she have done that after everything that happened? I don't know what to think._

_I know it's difficult. But maybe if she did, it's because she still believes in the family we created in college. She believes in Bellas and in the bond that unites us, no matter what happened between you two. You were her best friend Beca, and she was yours. Don't tell me you don't miss her._

She hit the mark right there. Of course I miss it, Holy God, there is no day when I don't look for his eyes among the people, even though I know how much pain I inflict just trying. I was her best friend, even before everything broke down. We shared everything, it was only missing that we exchanged our underwear and then we could have considered ourselves a single person.

I knew everything about her, I could tell from her movement, from a look at her if the day had gone wrong or not. And she could decipher me more than anyone else. She interpreted every word I said, every single gesture I made, she had learned to cross barriers. She understood when I wanted to be alone and when, while not admitting it, I needed company. She was there and I was there for her. Always.

But it hasn't been like that for two years. Everything has been erased, eliminated, reset. There's nothing left, just burnt earth.

_I don't know about Stace. It's not like that anymore. I don't even know what to call us. What are we? Acquaintances? Strangers?_

_Why not two girls who are part of the same a cappella group and who will participate in a reunion tonight?_

She is always so optimistic, so hopeful. Sometimes I wonder how he does it. I don't see anything good about this situation, but she keeps pushing me to accept it. Suddenly I hear the front door slamming. I closed it, didn't I? Who could it be?

With a frightened look I turn to Stacie, but she has resumed the search for my outfit for this evening and does not seem to have noticed anything. I start to head towards the hallway but I run into someone I should have expected. Amy.

_Hey Shortie, nice pajamas! You should hurry though, otherwise we'll be late!_

What's wrong with my pajamas? Rolling my eyes I turn to go back to my room.

_Amy, why are you here? And above all, how did you get in here?_

_Oh well, our friend here, Long Legs, called for backup because she imagined the problems she'd has to face in order to convince you to come out. So here I am. Ah, and for the record, normal people close their doors. Sometimes I wonder how you can live with yourself._

I don't know whether or not to be offended by what Amy just said, because let's face it, I'm fabulous, who wouldn't want to live with me? But apart from that detail, I don't have a way to escape anymore. Cavalry has arrived and I strongly doubt that it will be able to subvert their plans.

_I can't get you out of the house and go back to stuffing myself with ice cream and TV series, can I?_

_No matter how hard you try, you lose at the start._

Says Stacie finally turning around with what I think is my attire for the evening.

_I feel sorry for you, Mitchell, but tonight you're going to have to abandon your plans._

_Yes, but what excuse do we find? I should be at a meeting right now._

_Interesting as a meeting, isn't it? Come on Beca, everybody knows it's bullshit. Who does a meeting on a Friday night?_

Witty Stacie.

_And then, no one will mind having the most requested DJ in LA at a party._

_I hate you._

After about half an hour I am still in my room, staring at my reflection in the long mirror of my closet. Stacie and Amy are waiting for me in the living room, they must have devoured all the ice cream remaining in the tub, to fool the wait. I don't understand how they managed to convince me so quickly. Maybe because a small part of me, after all, wanted to participate in this event, but was held back by constantly repeating "Not a good idea". I really don't know what to expect from an evening like this, but I can't back down anymore, I could risk stoning.

I pull slightly the black dress I wear, I would not have opted for such a dress, but it is Stacie, and for her the word sobriety does not exist. She has a dizzying neckline that leaves practically nothing to the imagination, it's all there, on display. Heels are already tormenting my feet, but all in all I can't complain, I look good. Let's say that.

I leave the room with my leather jacket on my shoulders and after receiving approval whistles from my two party crashers, we finally find ourselves in Amy's car to head for Chloe's house.

What anxiety. I think my face speaks for me, as they keep telling me that everything will be fine. The only positive point in all this is that I can pour myself on the alcohol and leave everything else aside. Yes, Beca, focus on the cocktails and everything will be fine.

_Here we are! Flo just wrote to me and said we're the only ones missing._

Very well, I don't even spare myself the triumphant entrance. I'd like to bury myself.

_Come on, Shawshank, get out of the car. We can't stay here all night!_

_Are you sure? You know, I can stay here, relax and wait for you until the party is over. No problem for me. Come on, go on, go on._

I don't even finish talking and both Amy and Stacie are pulling my weight and we find ourselves on the alleway of Chloe's house.

_Know that I have a slow and painful death in store for you_.

_Of course, you'll thank us later Grumpy. Now come on, I can smell food already._

Fortunately we are welcomed by Jessica and Ashley, sometimes I think they are attached by glue, it is impossible that where there is one there is the other.

I'm hidden behind Stacie, I look like a garden dwarf in comparison to her.

_Hey girls, you've finally arrived, we've been waiting for you to start!_

_Yes, excuse us, but we found traffic on the street!_

Says Stacie turning towards me to get some support, but I think the traffic in question is really me.

Jessica and Ashley certainly hadn't noticed my presence so far, because they seem to have seen a ghost at the time. Do I really do that? I knew I shouldn't have come, if they reacted like that I can't imagine in a few minutes what will happen. Help.

_Beca, how long! How nice to see you again, you look great!_

After the moment of shock that seemed to have hit her, everything returns to normal and I am greeted by their embrace, which although brief, calms me down a bit.

_Thanks Jess, you look good too_!

I answer by winking at both of them.

We follow the girls to the basement, where I imagine there are all the others. Going down the stairs I notice that there is a really nice atmosphere, the lights are dim, there is background music, at a corner of the big hall there is a DJ station, while on the left side there is a counter with special stools, where drinks are served. Amy immediately hit the other side, of course, where there are snacks, pizza and burgers in industrial quantity. I'm sure it will all be over in a matter of minutes.

I hear the Bellas laughing, they're all sitting on the large L-shaped sofa in the middle of the room. That's what I miss. Seeing them like this, all together, like when I came home, from my internship to college, and I found them all in the living room telling each other about the day that had just passed. I don't even realize that I stopped on the last two steps of the staircase and now I have all their eyes on me. Shit.

_Becaaaa!_

_Here she is. Our DJ who's climbing the charts with her mixes!_

_Beca, how nice to see you! I'm so glad you're here._

The first one that hugs me is Emily, I could not expect less from her. She's always so affectionate and kind to everyone; in college I had an eye for her. Maybe because she's the youngest. Almost all of them follow her, Cynthia Rose who almost doesn't break me in two for the strength with which she embraces me, Flo, Lyly, whose name is actually Ester, but let's not mention it. And then the moment I never wanted to come, I feel like I'm about to go into hyperventilation. I don't think I can handle a situation like this.

_Beca..._

She just said my name and I can already feel my head turning around. But how is it possible that I still have this effect? Get a hold of yourself, Beca. My heart, I think, is about to explode from my chest, maybe I won't get out of this evening alive. It's been a good life all things considered.

_Chloe, hi! Sorry for the intrusion, I warned you I wasn't coming, but then..._

_Oh no no, actually Amy already told me you'd make it. So it's no problem._

I look at Amy who's smiling at me with her mouth full of what I think are chips. She'd already planned it all, what a bitch.

_Well... congratulations then! For the good news, I'm sure you'll be thrilled!_

As soon as these words come out of my mouth, I feel a twinge on the level of my heart. If it used to beat until it exploded, now I think it has stopped, as if it were under arrest. I stabbed myself, but for her, I think I would do it again. Only to see again that hinted smile that formed on her lips, the slight ahde of pink that dyed her cheeks and to watch her eyes shine. I hadn't realized, until now, how much I missed them. They are more beautiful than ever, I could be like this for eternity. A particular distracts my attention, which I had not yet noticed. Her hair. They're shorter than I remember, and they're blond. The beautiful sunset waves are gone. I loved her hair, it was perfect. Not that they're not now, on the contrary. But seeing her changed so much hurts, it's as if there's nothing left of the Chloe I knew. But I can't deny it, she's wonderful. Wonderful. And at the moment I think the situation is getting rather embarrassing, since I've been staring at her for at least 2 minutes. And she looks at me, without a word.

_Eh-uhm... Oookay, what do you say we start the evening? If we keep it up, Amy will brush all the food._

CR, they should make you holy. If it wasn't for her interruption, I think we'd have stayed in that position all night.

Chloe and I didn't talk to each other anymore, of course, I expected to see the future husband, but at least I spared myself that. For now. All of them are in the middle of the room dancing, shouting, singing, while I watch them from the bar counter. I am sitting on one of the stools, with a glass that I think contains vodka or tequila, or both. I don't know, I've swallowed a disproportionate amount of alcohol to support this party. However, I am still able to stand up and remember my name, so I am not so badly put off.

_Hey, Beca. I didn't get a chance to greeting you properly before._

I turn my head to be able to look at the blond hair that has just spoken to me.

_I know you never liked me. Not that I expected a warm welcome from you._

I answer, taking a sip of my cocktail.

_It's not true that I never liked you, it's just that we never got to talk decently and get to know each other._

_You know, Aubrey, I've always tried to take a few steps forward, to show you that in addition to my "monstrosities" to the ears, there is more, but I don't think it was ever appreciated. Otherwise you wouldn't be here to greet me in embarrassment right now, but you would have behaved just like everyone else._

I worked really hard to get her approval. She only let herself go once, when she handed me the role of co-leader of the Bellas once she graduated. But it certainly wouldn't have happened if she stayed in college. Were we friends for how long? 2 minutes? And after everything that happened with Chloe, she obviously took her side. Without even listening to my version. "I knew there was no way to trust you."

I hate prejudice. I've always hated them, and Aubrey had an avalanche of them against me.

_There's no need to be so grumpy. I just wanted to be nice and say hi. It doesn't matter._

I watch her leave and return from the others, I didn't want to react like that, but I can't stand being judged and seen for what I am not. Even if it happened in the past.

I settle better on the stool and turn to the counter giving my back to the Bellas. I can't help but think it was a bad idea to come here. I'm glad I saw the girls again, but my mood is under my feet. How can I be happy at a party in honor of Chloe's upcoming wedding? She's gone on, she's gone further. And I'm still standing 2 years ago, nothing has changed. And it sucks.

My eyes are glued to the glass. It's almost empty. I don't think twice about it and I slide the drink all the way down my throat, feeling the familiar sensation of burning.

_If you continue like this you will have an ulcer in your stomach._

I recognize this voice, I would do it in a thousand. I don't even turn to look at it, I know it's her. She sits on the stool next to mine, while still maintaining a certain distance of "safety".

_It doesn't matter, I'll take the risk._

I'm about to pour another drink into my glass when I feel something blocking my arm, more than something, someone. His hand is resting on my forearm but it doesn't shake strongly. I stay for a few moments, blocking the scene in my mind, as if it were a too precious memory, to lose it. I just hope that tomorrow morning there is still in my head. After all this alcohol, I doubt it. I look up and meet his eyes, but they don't look at me. They are pointed at her hand, and suddenly, as if she had noticed what she had done, she immediately pull back, it seems as if she had burned herself. Finally she looks at me and I can't help but notice that she almost regrets having touched me? Or does she regret having done something automatic? As if her body responded to my presence differently from what she would like? I don't know.

_You know I don't bite, right? I've been described in many ways, but 'cannibal' is not on the list._

_Excuse me, it's just that..._

_Only what?_

_All you do is drink tonight, and I don't know how good it can do you._

_As flattered as I am about your concern Beale, it's nothing I'm not used to._

Maybe I've talked too much, because Chloe is staring at me with a mixture of pity and nervousness. I must have looked more of a bitch than usual.

_Why are you used to it?_

_I don't know how much it can be your business to be honest._

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I always have to answer badly to everyone? To her? I can't control myself, the words come out before I can think twice.

_You know Beca? Maybe it was better if I stayed with the others, I just wanted to know how you were._

Does she almost look hurt? Wounded by what? From my behavior? She should know me, when I'm in an uncomfortable situation and drunken, I don't exactly have filters or inhibitions. But I feel guilty. I didn't want it to get bad. I'm a lost case, the case is closed.

_I'm sorry, you're right. I shouldn't have answered you like that. Anyway, I think I'll get out of the way, it's late and tomorrow I have work. Plus, I think my presence here is irrelevant._

_Why didn't you want to be here? Why do you think it's irrelevant?_

With a lot of effort I get up from the stool, God I drank too much tonight. I don't know how I'm going to get home. She's still there, in front of me. She hasn't left, she wants to know why I didn't want to be there tonight. What kind of dumb question is that? Calm Beca, you've already answered badly twice, let's avoid the third time.

_I just didn't know how much my presence was appreciated._

I look her in the eye one last time, then without saying anything else I head towards the stairs that lead to the upper floor to be able to leave. I recover my jacket and bag left at the entrance and I leave the house. The spring breeze strikes me in full. I hold myself a little more in the nail and begin to reach the sidewalk. I stand up by divine grace, I really don't know how I will wake up in the morning. I have almost reached the end of the alleway when I hear the door behind me open.

_Beca, Beca, stop!_

I turn slowly to avoid losing my balance, and I see Chloe reaching me in great steps.

_What, Chloe?_

I don't know how it could have happened, but I find myself in Chloe's embrace. I realize that I had forgotten what it was like to embrace her, the warmth that surrounds you, her arms behind my shoulder that gently bring me closer to her. I am shocked. I did not expect such a thing, in fact I change the gesture very slowly and in a rather hesitant way. I can't help but smell her perfume. It's always the same, at least that hasn't changed, and it makes me feel a little better.

_Thank you for coming._

She's sincere, I can read it in her face. Although my senses are pretty blurry, I can tell if she's lying or not. I certainly didn't expect such a "physical" special thanks, but it's Chloe and if it were for her she would embrace anyone.

_Sure, thanks to you._

_Good night._

_Night._

After hinting at a smile, I go back to my footsteps, and I take my phone out of my bag so I can call an Uber. I'm not exactly in a position to walk home.

I've seen Chloe again after years, and I can't help but think that no matter how much she's changed, she's still beautiful. And that I miss her. How much I want to go back.

¦**End of Flashback**¦


	3. Chapter 3

**~ A series of Fortunate events ~**

Pov Beca

_WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU? I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU FOR AN HOUR!_

That's it, I should have expected something like that. I don't recommend the hysterical version of Blake to anyone. Especially if you're a veteran of a night of alcohol. I can't even explain the headache I have, there seems to be a drill drilling my temples. I couldn't get anything to ease the pain, I was already very late. I almost broke my head while I was getting dressed, because of the hurry to get to work. I quickly wore dark jeans and a very wide T-shirt, found by chance among the clothes scattered last night by Stacie all over my room. It looks like a bazaar. When I get back I'll have to put everything in order. Damn Stacie.

After taking my sunglasses and my bag, I jumped right out of the house to get to the studio. I didn't even have any coffee, so you can imagine the world's tolerance level at what point it is.

_Blake, Blake, please don't scream! It's all bouncing around in my head! Could I rather have a coffee? And I'd also need an aspirin, thank you!_

I think I've been pretty nice, haven't I? I could have just as easily rationed against them. However, her expression hasn't changed; on the contrary, she seems to be even more angry!

I_S THIS THE WAY YOU PRESENT YOURSELF AT SUCH AN IMPORTANT MEETING? DO YOU REMEMBER ABOUT THE CONTRACT, DON'T YOU? GOD, you can barely stand up._

Fuck, the contract. Today my old contract with the firm expires and they decided to propose a variation on the new one. They didn't really say anything, they didn't say what it was going to be, what I should do, what not, they were very vague. And today we have to discuss it. And I look like a garbage can for the conditions in which I am. Great Beca, why don't you combine a good one? In all of this, the beautiful blonde head here in front of me doesn't stop yelling at me and I certainly can't blame her. I would have done the same thing in her place. But all it does is make my situation worse.

B_LAKE! STOP YELLING, GODDAMN IT! I get it, if you keep raising your voice, I'm definitely not going to recover any faster! So I repeat, please, let me bring you an aspirin and a fucking coffee! For God's sake._

I can only hear Blake keep whispering something in her teeth, definitely something not very nice to me, but it doesn't matter. However, in the meantime she heads to the reception where there is Vivianne, definitely to ask what I need. I walk away through the entire lobby to reach the elevators and get to the 10th floor where there are the administrative offices. I don't know what to expect today. I'm a little nervous because my old contract was quite rewarding: in the morning in the studio to be able to create my own mixes, and on alternate evenings I would fill the most famous clubs in LA with my own DJ sets. The adrenaline I felt in those moments is something indescribable. You feel loaded, happy, because the people inside the club are there to listen to you, they appreciate your music, and it's very satisfying. Often they stopped me to take pictures, talk, sometimes they even asked me for autographs and I still can't understand how I can deserve all this affection. I would be sorry if I had to abandon all this, it was and is a fundamental part of my life and I do not want to end up behind a desk, with the big bosses, to evaluate the aspiring artists and decide for their future. I don't think I'd be able to do that, and I don't think it's right. I'm not the right person to be able to break a child's hopes, I know what it feels like and I don't wish it on anyone. I feel that I can do more, I can give more. And I hope the label administrators are aware of that.

_Here's your coffee and your aspirin. I hope it works for you right now. With the delay we have, we won't even be able to talk to Jeremy first, the meeting starts in 5 minutes. You can't afford to be head in the clouds, get it?_

Blake sometimes knows just how to calm a person down. If I used to be a little nervous, now I'd say I look more like an electric battery. This woman, my God, makes me anxious.

_You know, if it weren't for your unparalleled work ethic and your punctuality and diligence in everything you do, I probably would have fired you by now. You are terrible as a moral support._

_Don't talk nonsense, you love me. And above all, I am too pretty and you would never be able to fire me. At most, I'm the one who would leaving._

How to blame her, she's actually a hottie. Tall, blond hair, blue eyes. In short, the typical portrait of a model. The typical source of inspiration for all teenage girls who are victims of acne and who, when they grow up, hope to become just like her.

It's a lie, I would never fire her. She's really good at what she does, and over time she's discovered a good friend. Although she has small problems in supporting people, especially if she is the first to be anxious. And I think now is one of those moments.

_I'm sorry if I yelled at you earlier. It's just that I didn't understand where you ended up and I didn't want you to be late for such an important commitment._

_I know, Blake, don't worry. Just next time, don't try to kill me with your choked-ass screams, not after an evening like yesterday at least._

I see Blake turning around and looking at me with a questioning air, in the meantime the elevator has arrived at our floor, so we occupy it and go up to the offices.

_What happened last night to reduce you in this way?_

_I went to the party in honor of.. Of Chloe's wedding. There were also the other girls, the Bellas. It was a kind of reunion. But my only reunion was with alcohol more than anything else._

_More than a reunion, you have a stable relationship with alcohol. Anyway... Is Chloe getting married? That Chloe?_

Yeah, I told her about Chloe. Broadly speaking, at least. When I met Blake I had just been hired by the Big Recording Machine, and at that time I was more of a being who walked and breathed by inertia. She immediately noticed that there was something wrong and although I tried several times to cut her out of my personal life, at that time I had no one here in LA. I was alone, and I needed someone to talk to. Neither Amy nor Stacie were there. One night when I finished working at a club, Blake was there waiting for me, not as a manager, but as a friend. I was grateful because I couldn't suppress anything anymore and I thought I was going to lose my mind at any moment. We talked a lot about college, about our experiences and I ended up telling about Chloe. It was a liberation. From that evening on, in addition to having a professional relationship, we decided that it would not be bad to have someone at your side, in terms of friendship of course. She was also new to LA, had just moved from Michigan and had no way of establishing a relationship with anyone.

_Yes, that Chloe is getting married. And you can imagine how I feel at the moment._

_I'm sorry, Beca.. If you want to talk about it, you know I'm there._

Well, the thing I like best about Blake is that she doesn't necessarily make me talk, she respects the times. Not everyone is capable of it.

_Thank you…_

The elevator doors open and we head towards the long corridor leading to the meeting room. A few times I went up to the 10th floor, only when I signed my first contract and a few more times when the studio managers wanted to congratulate me on the results achieved. In short, all quite happy situations. Now the tension is palpable, Blake at my side is intent on writing something on her smartphone, and seems rather focused on what she does. The employees in the offices all seem very busy, those who answer multiple calls at once, those with a fixed look at the computer to look for the new Justin Bieber of 2019, those who are busy with some promising artists. There is no one who is doing nothing, also because I doubt they have the opportunity: there are only windows and then you see everything they do. 0 privacy.

_How do you feel? Is your headache better?_

_Yes, definitely. The aspirin is starting to take effect. Is Jeremy already inside?_

_Yes, they're waiting for us._

Jeremy is my lawyer. He Evaluates the contracts, if there is something that could be changed in my favor, if there are clauses that are not appropriate, or others that could be inserted. I never sign anything if I haven't had his approval before, or at least if I haven't heard what he thinks before. He's always managed to get what we wanted and what worked for me and the label. I hope that's the case this time too.

Blake opens the door, but she's moving in to get me through first. I thank her and finally I enter the meeting room where the studio managers are sitting around the long table. Everyone turns around and gets up to greeting us, usually it should be the other way around. The employee says hi to the boss, but here it's like the world upside down. They were always very friendly, gentle, the general manager also wanted me to call him by his name. But I've never succeeded, I can't even talk to him informally, let alone.

_Beca, welcome! It's always a pleasure to see you. Blake, every day you're getting prettier and prettier! Please sit down. We've been waiting for you._

We are welcomed by the director, Mr. Groove. He's one of those tall men, grizzled, dark eyes and shaved face, always dressed in a suit and tie. Sometimes I wonder how they do it, do they even sleep in their jackets? However, he's always tried to flirt with Blake, although there's only an exclusively friendly relationship between them. At least I think so.

_John, you're the usual pimp. You look good anyway._

_Hi Mr. Groove, it's nice to see you too._

I exchange her handshake, and hinting at a greeting to the other members of the board, I go to take a seat near Jeremy, with whom I greet myself fits to fits. Yes, we are two grown children.

_So, here we are. Beca. We called this meeting because we wanted to discuss the terms of the new contract with you. I know we've been pretty vague about what we're about to propose, but we wanted to weigh up our decisions._

There is an almost surreal silence. A fly doesn't fly and I think I'll die of anxiety in a few moments.

_Over the past two years we've seen how you've grown and climbed the charts by releasing your mixes, filled the biggest clubs in Los Angeles and made us proud to be your label. However, I think that at this point, I think we should change. To give you the chance to grow further, to develop your skills, to fully reveal your talent._

I'm a little confused right now. I can't understand what it means, but I don't intervene. I'm waiting for him to finish his speech.

_We'd like you to move from behind the console, to come out into the open. We've already got the image of you in mind, illuminated by the spotlight. We want to contract you as an artist, and not just as a DJ. We want to hear what you have to say to the world, because I know there's something deep inside that you can't express from behind a console. And we want to give you this opportunity. Because we believe in you and we know that we will not be disappointed. What do you say? Are you in?_

My eyes almost come out of my eye sockets. I can't believe it. They want to sign me up as an artist. As a singer. They want me to produce my songs, "what I have to say to the world". I dare not imagine the expression I have on my face, I will surely look like a boiled fish. They want me to leave the console behind me, my mixes. They've been my daily bread for a long time, I've spent my whole life remixing songs. They must have noticed the moments when I locked myself in the recording booth and improvised something on the guitar or piano, what was going through my head. I just thought I was alone. They will have discovered me. Damn it.

What do I do? I've always wanted to be able to write something about myself, compose my own song, talk about my own story. Although I'm a rather reserved person, music has always been the only way I could express myself completely. I learned how to do remixes, and it worked out for me. I focused on that because I didn't want to take a path that would probably only lead to a disappointment from myself, because I didn't think I could create songs. And now they believe in me. They know I can do it. They see potential. Is that how you say no? Do I accept? Do I try?

_How are you sure I'm capable of composing songs? You don't even know how I sing._

I address executives with an uncertain voice. My anxiety has made me climb a lump in my throat. Jeez.

_You're wrong, Beca. We know very well how you sing, and the videos of you and the Bellas on the internet are proof of that. Listen... those days when you locked yourself up for a few minutes in the recording booth, I know you probably didn't want to be seen, excuse us if we invaded your privacy, but we saw what you can do. We really looked at you and realized that you can't waste your talent behind a console. It was all there, you were in your place. That's where you belong and that's where we want you to be. It may sound shocking to you at the moment, but we are giving you this opportunity and we really hope that you will take it. Think about it Beca._

Jeremy and Blake are staring at me insistently, it almost looks like I have a dirty face. It's the first time in my life that someone has said these words to me. They really believe in me, more than I do. Mr. Groove got it right, I was in my place. I felt in the right place, more than I ever felt behind a console. I didn't even realize that my eyes had become watery and that a tear was threatening to shed on my cheek. Maybe that's why they were staring at me. Calm Beca, breathe, you can't cry like a child in front of the whole board. A little dignity. I chase back the tears and turn a sincere and almost embarrassed smile to the director. He's always been so kind to me.

_Thank you Mr Groove... I...I'm speechless actually. I didn't expect such a chance. It seems almost impossible to believe that you are proposing me to become an artist. You're doing it, aren't you?_

I say with a slight laugh, addressing all the administrative managers who laugh slightly at the postponement.

_Okay...wow. Um... Okay I'm in. I hope I don't disappoint you._

I can't help but smile as the director approaches to shake my hand and unexpectedly pull me for a quick hug. He's really a very affective person. What a guy.

Jeremy and the company's lawyer are now talking to each other about the terms of the contract, and we will definitely discuss it later. All the members of the board got up to go back to their offices, not before congratulating me happy with the choice made.

I can't believe, someone pinch my arm, I'm probably dreaming. Not even time to think that I really feel a pinch, pulled by Blake. What the hell.

_Now you can add a new title to your resume. Artist._

She says sneering.

_There was no need to pinch though. But... Yes! I can't believe it. I could get a facial paresis for how much I'm smiling._

_That's actually not like you. At the edge of the creepy._

_Bitch._

_Love me. Because from now on, your life without me will be lost._

_Should I feel threatened?_

I say with a quite incredulous expression.

_Almost._

Both me and Blake leave the meeting room laughing and head to the elevators to finally get out and leave the building. If 1 hour ago, as soon as I arrived, I felt anxiety all the way into the last cell of my body, now I'm so relaxed and in a good mood that I could face anything right now. I'm happy, yes. It's not a very familiar feeling for me lately, but today I am and no one can ruin this moment.

After saying goodbye to Vivianne at the reception desk, we leave the studio and head out into the crowded streets of LA.

_Hey Bec, you want to celebrate? Ryan is at work today and I don't want to have lunch alone. You in?_

_Sure, that's a good idea. I don't have better things to do after all!_

I say giggling and so we go arm in arm in search of a place where we can have lunch. Usually I'm not so inclined to physical contact, often I get annoyed even at the mere thought that someone touches me. But for today I make an exception, and then it's Blake, she was there when there was no one. I can give it to her from time to time.

However, as we speak and joke, I feel a strange feeling, as if someone was staring at us but I can't understand who. There are too many people on the street to find out who they are. Maybe it's just my impression. Don't think about it Beca, enjoy the moment. You deserve it.


	4. Chapter 4

**~ Somebody that I used to know ~**

Pov Chloe

_Hey, are you listening to me?_

No. I haven't actually listened to half a word of what he said. I zoned myself for a moment because my attention was drawn to what was happening on the other side of the road. After last night's party with the Bellas, Chicago and I decided to spend the day together, so we could share as much time as possible before he leaves for a business trip in a few days. We recently moved to Los Angeles because they just hired me at one of the most important veterinary clinics in the country and Chicago couldn't be more than happy. He is originally from LA, but as the CEO of Crystal Enterprises he often travels from coast to coast in the States. Two years ago, when we met in New York, he had no intention of staying there, he never liked it as a place. The first time we met was on the evening before his departure for Philadelphia, where he would head one of the company's offices. However, he postponed his departure for a few days, because, I quote, "this city now seems a little more interesting". He finally stayed with me in New York for two years and ended up running the Crystal branch in the Big Apple, giving up his post in Philly. If that's not love.

And now we are here, in the streets of LA, hand in hand, as we head to a place where we can have lunch. If I'm not mistaken, he started talking about something about the wedding party but I didn't pay much attention to it. Actually I was supposed to give him my full attention, but my gaze involuntarily rested on two figures on the sidewalk opposite to ours and I can not help but notice the strange feeling I feel at the level of the stomach. Do I feel almost irritated? I'd say that's the right term. I don't even realize that I'm squeezing Chicago's hand more strongly, which didn't go unnoticed by my fiancée.

_Honey, are you sure you're okay? If you continue like this, my hand probably won't come until tonight._

I turn my eyes to see the worried face of Chicago, and after a moment of silence where I tried to figure out what was going on, I finally get it.

_Oh God, I'm sorry! I was lost in thought and didn't notice. Did I hurt you?_

I say widening my eyes and pulling my hand away from his, but Chicago is faster than me and interweaves our fingers.

_No babe, but I noticed that you're zoned out. I didn't think it would bore you to talk about marriage. What were you thinking?_

Is there a veil of disappointment in his eyes, perhaps? I feel guilty not to have listened to him, he loves me very much and proves it every day. And knowing that he's been hurt by my behavior makes me feel like shit.

_Nothing really... I just isolated myself for a moment. I'm sorry, love. What were you saying?_

I keep walking and try to focus exclusively on my boyfriend and the speech he made, even if the image of Beca and the blond duck holding her arm can't leave my mind. But what do you care about Chloe? It's water under the bridge by now, you have Chicago, in 3 months you get married and she's part of your past. And it has to stay that way.

I can't deny that when the day before yesterday, I gave the news of the party to the girls on the group chat, I was waiting to read one of her answers among others. But it never arrived, or at least not the one I was hoping for. I knew she would find an excuse not to be able to attend the party, but what else would I have to expect? She's still my ex. My beautiful ex, who also showed up at the evening, in a dress that left little to the imagination and made her even sexier ... Chloe! What the hell?! Pervert! You can't think of such a thing when you're happily engaged and soon you're getting married. Behave yourself.

I had a strange feelings seeing her after two years. Two years of silence. Of distance. Of broken hearts and unhealed scars. They have been hard years, and I'm still not sure if I will ever be able to overcome what happened between us. Yes, I've moved on, I've met Chicago, in a few months we'll start building our own family, but when someone slips under your skin, they stay there forever. Like when you throw a stone into a lake, waves form, the water ripples, and once it has calmed down, everything seems to be back to normal. But it's not like that, the lake is not the same as before. It has one more stone, and it will remain there forever.

Beca is this for me, although in recent years I have tried several times to bury the stone so as to forget that there is. I didn't always succeed, and yesterday seeing her there, in front of me, it was like being run over by a high-speed train.

I never realized that I had forgotten the sound of her voice, and the intense blue of her eyes. They seemed like the night sky, the stormy ocean and knowing that I had removed some aspects of her, for a moment, made me a bit sad, because I could never imagine forgetting something so fundamental about one of the most important people in my life. Or at least she was.

But it was a matter of moments before I was overwhelmed by everything that has happened in the past, once again, wiping out the momentary sadness and making room for resentment and even a little anger towards her.

I'm sure that it was a difficult choice for her to come to the party, that surely Amy and Stacie will have bored her until exhaustion. I know for sure because all evening she did nothing but drink, and be alone on the sidelines, watching us. I felt a bit guilty for putting her in this uncomfortable situation, but the idea of getting together and cutting her out would have made me feel even worse.

She's part of the Bellas family, and she's as important a member as the others. No matter what happened between us, she should have been there too. Or at least in my head, the reasoning was perfect. Maybe in her mind a little less, since her rude attitude, when I tried to get closer to understand how she was. I couldn't see her swallowing so much alcohol anymore, and I thought that if I tried to talk to her, she would stop. Let's say I got what I wanted in part, she didn't drink anymore. But she left immediately afterwards, leaving me there perplexed by what she said: "I don't know how much my presence was appreciated." She's not wrong to have thought of such a thing, I should have expected a phrase like that. Was her presence welcome? I don't know. One part certainly wanted to keep on not seeing her for the rest of my days, but the other part... Well, it was just waiting for that moment. It was a blow to the heart to see her, but it was even more so to see her leave, again. Though the circumstances are different. That's why I couldn't stop, followed her out of home, and let my body act alone. The feeling I had in hugging her still terrifies me, and I can't get it off my back. It was like coming back to the surface after a long dive, smelling the scent of home after a hotel vacation, and realizing how much you missed it, it was like enjoying the first sunny and warm day after a cold and dark winter. It was all this, and I can't help but be scared. I shouldn't have felt that way, I shouldn't feel that way. What did you do to me, Beca?

_What do you think, Chloe? Would you like to get married at the Beverly Hills Hotel? The garden is huge and there's a lot of space for guests._

I'm being diverted from my thoughts again, but this time I know what she was talking about. It leaves me speechless for a moment because I didn't expect such a suggestion. I've always thought of something less pompous, more simple, but if he likes it, I'm more than okay with it. We're still talking about Beverly. It's going to be so cool.

_Wow. The Beverly Hills is beautiful! It's one of the best hotels in LA. We can try to ask if there is availability. Even today, if you like._

I answer him by smiling and getting closer to him so I can put my head on his shoulder.

He automatically brings his arm to dye my shoulders kissing my temple while my hand goes into the back pocket of his pants. I feel safe with him, protected. His scent intoxicates my nostrils and I can't help but smile. He's so attached to perfumes, he has at least 20 in the bathroom and in the end he always puts the same.

_Hey, why are you smiling?_

He asks me giggling as he shifts his gaze towards me. I raise my head slightly from the previous position to get to the same height while maintaining the smile of before. I am enchanted to observe his irises, they are clear. Like water, and they are beautiful.

_Nothing... I love you._

_I love you too, little one._

Eventually, we opted for an In-N-Out hamburger for lunch, but maybe it wasn't such a great idea. People almost come out to order, but we're here now, so we might as well wait for our turn. After 45 endless minutes of waiting and starvation, we finally take our place at one of the tables available. I offered to pick up our order, but Chicago insists on wanting to go to him. Sometimes his gentlemanly cavalry is almost exhausting.

_Are you sure, Chloe? If you want, I'll go, that's not a problem._

_No love, really. I'll do it._

I answer him with a smile and I turn to head to the counter where I can pick up our sandwiches. I hear my cell phone vibrating in the back pocket of my jeans and I notice messages sent by Gary, my assistant in the clinic.

He is a very kind boy, he can be about 20 years old and since I arrived he has been completely available 24 hours a day, for any kind of circumstance. She updated me on the structure's organizational scheme, how the visits take place and what are the days of the operating room. He is always very attentive and precise, and I could not have asked for a better welcome.

I am so focused on looking at the photo of the shifts, when I involuntarily bump into someone, and my iPhone makes a big flight.

_What the hell?_!

I hear about the person I bumped into but didn't get a chance to look at them because I immediately squatted down to retrieve my phone. Not be break, not be break. Damn it.

The screen is split in half. Great. I can't help but snort, how is it possible that cell phones now break with so little?

I get up with another frustrated expression on my face and I see in front of me a much taller, much blonder and very annoyed girl.

_Why don't you be careful where you put your feet?_

I don't answer her, but I can't help but stare at her insistently, she has a known face. In the meantime she continues to look at me with questioning air raising her eyebrows, I'm sure she's thinking that I have some problem. I can't remember where I saw her, come on Chloe, make an effort. Where did you see her?

Suddenly, like a flash, I remember what I witnessed this morning and again the feeling of irritation, along with anger at having my cell phone dropped, now broken, pervades my whole body. It's the sniffing goose that was holding Beca under her arm.

_So what do we do? We're gonna stay here and stare, or are you gonna move and let me through, blondie?_

Blondie? Blonde to whom? Without taking my eyes off her, looking at her threateningly, I move to the side and I make a sign to her to pass, with my hand.

_Thank you, honey._

Once she has passed me, she turns her head slightly and throws a wink at me. But who does she think she is?

I'm sure that at the moment I've turned red like a tomato because of my anger, and I can't help but notice how beautiful she is, how long her legs are and how she would make straight people, gay, and gay people, straight. God, is Beca really with someone like her?

Wait, Chloe, what do you know if they're together? They seemed pretty close after all... Beca never gets touched by anyone, only I could. So she replaced me with one like that?

Really, Chloe? Do you really care?

I remind you that your boyfriend, and future husband, is waiting patiently at the table and you are in the middle of fast food thinking about Beca and the chicken that revolves around her.

_Aaaah, what the fuck!_

With the firm grip on my Cell, now gone, and an expression far from relaxed, I start again to head to the counter of orders.

I gotta stop thinking about Beca's life. She hasn't been a problem for years. Get a hold of yourself, Chloe.

Pov Beca

_Guess who just ran into me two minutes ago?_

I was intent on reading an email from Jeremy regarding my contract when I see Blake coming back to the table and sitting in front of me. We decided to smash our hamburgers and chips in, and what better place than In-N-Out?

_Who?_

I ask by wrinkling my eyebrows, and taking a sip of pepsi, continuing to scroll through the emails received.

_Your girlfriend._

I'm almost about to choke on the drink. She's going to kill me one day. I start to cough insistently while she can't stop laughing. What a bitch. My girlfriend? Who the hell is my girlfriend?

_Excuse me?_

_Chloe, the blondie. I thought she was a redhead, but thinking on it, she is a totally blondie, you know?_

Is Chloe here? But of all the possible and imaginable places in LA, should she be right here? Inevitably, my look wanders among the customers to be able to see the blond hair, but nothing. There are far too many people to spot.

_Look at you, you're really into her. Get back on track Mitchell, your badass reputation isn't so convincing anymore._

_Ha ha ha. Nice. And anyway, how did you clash? Is she hurt?_

I'll ask Blake to be a little alarmed. I know how careless Chloe can be at times, and I imagine she gave proof of that before.

_No, but thank you for your concern. It really isn't necessary. And for the record, she was too busy keeping her eyes glued to her cell phone to be able to look forward. The only one who felt the impact was the screen on her iPhone._

Blake answered me by rolling her eyes and starting to eat his chips. I giggle imagining the scene, Chloe's really clumsy sometimes.

After lunch, and by lunch we mean mercilessly devoured the burgers ordered, we finally get up and head to the exit. Without realizing it, too busy talking to Blake about what will change in my life with the new contract, I involuntarily take off the shoe from the heel to the person walking in front of me.

_Oh, my God, I'm sorry, I didn't do it on purpose. I'm sorry!_

I can't help but notice how much the guy in front of me is practically double my height and muscle mass. I hint at a forced smile as soon as our eyes cross, but he doesn't seem to be so happy, I hope I didn't hurt him.

_Usually my feet are too short to even try to take a shoe off a person in front of me, I really don't know how it could happen-_

My speech is suddenly cut short, thank God, at least I'll catch my breath. But I absolutely did not expect you to be interrupted by a voice that I know quite well.

_Beca! Oh, my God, Chicago, are you all right?_

I hadn't noticed that there was another person near the colossus of Rhodes. And most of all, I hadn't noticed that this person was Chloe.

So the mountain in front of you is Chicago? Did I just take off a shoe to Chloe's future husband? Ah. Well done. Bravo Beca.

_Yes, babe, everything well. Do you rather know this one here?_

What do you mean, "you know this one here"?! This one has a name, States! And most of all, don't you know who I am? Are you kidding me?

_Yes, this is Beca. She's part of the Bellas. We went to college together._

My eyes, if ever possible, open even wider. I'm shocked.

Meanwhile, the expression of Chicago relaxes and turns a smile on me that could bewitch anyone. But not me.

_Ah, it's a pleasure to meet you, Beca! I hope you'll be at the wedding, I know how much Chloe cares about the Bellas_.

My eyes move between Chloe, Chicago and his hand waiting to be shaken. If the smile I had before was forced, now I can't help but put a fake smile on my face. I shake his hand reluctantly, almost as if I were at risk of contracting a contagious disease by doing so.

_Um... yeah, I guess! Now excuse us, but we have to go. My pleasure._

I forcefully pull Blake's arm and make room between the two to pass. My eyes are getting watery, but I can't afford to give in. I can't believe it. He really doesn't know anything about me? Really?

What did I say no more than an hour ago? Nothing could have changed my mood today. Well, I was wrong. I was very wrong.


	5. Chapter 5

**~ Game of T-uesday ~**

It's been four days since I last saw Chloe. And since exactly that moment there's always a fixed nail in my mind: how is it possible that she hasn't told anything about me, about us, to Chicago? To the person she is supposed to share her whole life with? It's as if I've realized that I was nothing to Chloe. Nothing. I didn't even have the privilege and the importance of being classified as "the classic finished stories" that are told to the own fiancé to be better known. It's as if I haven't been part of her past. And now I'm not part of her present, and I certainly won't be part of her future either. It's as if I'm never been in her life. And here's another stab. Nice shitty life.

It's almost 10 p.m. and I'm still at the studio, they've all gone home now. I preferred to stay a while, so I could arrange something on the guitar in the recording booth. This is the moment I prefer, me with the music alone, nobody out there looking at me, telling me what to do. I can't hide the fact that I still have to get used to the situation in general, not that I complain: the producers are very down to earth, trying to give me as much advice as possible, to improve my skills and to increase my knowledge, both about the lyrics and the melody of a song. The contract with the label provides that in two years I must release 3 albums, that at least 4 evenings a month I must take back the clothes of the DJ and go around the clubs, and it means that in addition to producing songs I must also continue to produce mixes. Not to mention touring around America, promoting records, interviewing...in a few months I'll have a more than eventful life. And I can't be more than happy, busy life, busy mind, no thoughts and solve all the problems. Great, isn't it? Yeah, I hope so.

The lights in the cabin are dimmed, the room is poorly lit and this creates a slightly more intimate vibes. I can relax more in this way. I settle better on the stool and place my guitar on my lap, getting a little closer to the microphone. The headphones are hanging around my neck but I just put the left in my ear so I can hear any suspicious noise, should someone call me. Debatable, but it could happen.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. At the moment there is only one song that comes to mind and I can't help but think it's the one that's closest to my situation. Hell, Beca, are you ever gonna get out of this vicious circle?

_I heard, that you're settled down..._

_That you found a... boy... and you're, married now_

The song mentions a girl, but I can't help but change it. Here it's the opposite. It's a guy and they're not married yet, not that it makes any difference. It hurts equally.

There's only my voice filling the cabin, no notes, no chords. Just me, with my eyes closed.

_I heard, that your dreams came true_

_I guess he gave you things_

_I didn't give to you_

My fingers begin to move independently along the guitar keyboard. I've always loved this song by Adele, it's so personal, emotional, everyone can relate to these words. And the melody makes you travel with your mind, as if it was opening a door for you and accompanying you in your past memories, in distant experiences that no longer belong to you. Maybe I didn't know how to give her what she wanted, what she deserved. Is he really the right person for her?

_Old friend, why are you so shy_

_Ain't like you to hold back_

_Or hide from the light_

Chloe has never been a shy girl, she's always been a ball of shining joy, without boundaries. Since I saw her again I've always had the strange feeling that this side of her has eclipsed. Maybe I'll be wrong, or maybe I'm so stubborn as not to accept the fact that she's getting married, so much that I see things that are not there. She's fine, Beca, she's happy. Without you. And that's what matters.

_I hate to turn up of the blue uninvited but I_

_Couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it._

_I had hoped you'd see my face_

_And that you be reminded that for me it isn't over_

Uh... No, it's not over. It hasn't been enough for 2 years to forget it, I don't know if a lifetime will be enough to do it. It's as if I'm currently locked in a bubble, as if everything around me has disappeared. It's just me, the guitar and my heart that seems to have lost a beat, but not out of happiness.

_Never mind I'll find someone like you_

_I wish nothing but the best_

_For you too, don't forget me_

_I beg, I'll remember you said_

_Sometimes it lasts in love_

_But sometimes it hurts instead_

I can feel my eyes getting watery, and a knot close my throat. I don't know if she's forgotten about me, about what we were, but I can't help but wish the best for her. And obviously the best is not me. The voice becomes a whisper, I can't sing anymore. It's almost as if I were reciting the last words, and unintentionally I bring my right hand to touch my throat in the hope that the feeling of pressure will be relieved.

_Sometimes it lasts in love_

_But sometimes it hurts instead..._

I look up at the ceiling and unfortunately a lonely tear falls on my cheek. What are you doing, Beca? Are you crying? Damn it. I can't let that happen. I've worked so hard to stop crying, and I don't want to start again now. I sweep away the tear, with the palm of my hand and start to breathe deeply to make the tears go back. I can't fall into this whirlpool of emotions, of sadness, of evenings spent in bed sobbing because of her, of sleepless nights, I can't. I managed to overcome this phase only a while ago, with much effort. And if I had to fall back on it, I don't think I have the strength to cheer myself up a second time. Enough!

I hear my iPhone ringing from my bag, but I can't get up in time to answer that it stops ringing. I have 7 missed calls and 4 messages from Amy, and several emails from Blake and Jeremy. I frown my eyebrows and unlock my phone so I can check what it is.

**7.30 pm**

**Becaw, hi! So, 8:00 p.m., I'll see you at your place?**

**8:15 pm**

**Fat Amy: Ehy Shortie, I'm behind your door, what happened to you?**

**9:00 pm**

**Fat Amy: Okay Shawshank, you could have said you didn't want to spend Tuesday nights like every week. I don't mind, you know?**

**9:45 pm**

**Fat Amy: I know I'm not a person who doesn't worry often, but... I am now a bit worried, please answer Beca as soon as you can.**

Fuck. Today is Tuesday. I completely forgot about the night with Amy. Since she moved to L.A. every Tuesday night, we've been seeing each other either at my place or at her place, and we've been eating junk food and we're watching American Idol. (nda. I don't know if it's actually broadcast on Tuesdays, I'm sorry if it's not, but it's pure fantasy). What an idiot I am. I've never missed this date, it's a kind of tradition. Surely a bit she will have been hurt, even if she is the typical person not to be noticed. For her it's always okay, she never breaks down, she takes everything as it comes, lightly. Sometimes I would like to have even a little bit of her self-esteem, of her way of doing things. She was the first person I met at Barden, it was the day of the activity fair and we both came to the DJ stand. To my great regret, it was only afterwards that I realized that the DJ was for Deaf Jewish. And she was there making fun of me, because you could see a mile away how convinced I was that it was a club for real DJs.

Afterwards, without even doing it on purpose, we found ourselves in the Bellas group and the rest is history. A strong bond was immediately created between us, and at first it was strange for me, because she is a rather intrusive, exuberant person, and I really have a lot of difficulty getting along with this kind of people. It must have been her way of being so hilarious, or her sarcasm, that struck me. I can't say. But it turned out to be one of the most sincere and strong friendships I've ever had. What I appreciate most about Amy is that if she has to say something, she doesn't care so much about the consequences. 99% of the time she's without filters, and in the remaining 1% she sleeps, but even then I have doubts about that.

It's almost 10.30pm, I think it's time to go home. Without waiting any longer, I turn off all the lights in the cabin and head outside the office. The silence is almost deafening, you only hear the sound of my shoes at every step I take. The corridors are illuminated by soft lights that surely stay on all night, as well as the entrance hall. It's so strange how a room can seem totally different under other lights. All day long there's an indescribable frenzy, people going from one side to the other, from one floor to the other, no one stopping for a moment. And it's all illuminated by day, there's no trace of shadow. It almost seems like an unreal world. In the evening, instead, you can appreciate everything in a different way, there is less light, there are more dark spots, but in my opinion it is perfect like this. It's like in drawings, the more you play with the chiaroscuro, the more the drawing comes to life. If it is monochromatic, it is static, still, it doesn't instilled anything. With shadows you can understand the true nature of things, but often you focus too much on the light, so as not to realize that if there is one, necessarily there is the other.

Even at night the streets of Los Angeles are full of life, of course there are more cars than people, especially during the week, but it is still nice to walk in a cool spring night. Fortunately, the studio isn't so far from my neighborhood, so in 20 minutes, sometimes even less, I can be at home. As I get closer I notice a figure sitting on the steps of the porch. Amy. Did she really wait for me all evening? It's 11 pm.

_Amy..._

As soon as she hears the call, she stands up and waits for me in front of the door. I think she wants explanations, otherwise she would have left long before. And I think she should have some after all.

_Beca, what happened to you? I got worried. You didn't answer any of the calls or messages._

I look at her and see how she really cared. It's hard to see this expression on her face and I also feel a little guilty at the moment.

_I know, Amy, I'm sorry. I was in the recording studio all night and didn't hear the phone. As soon as I saw your calls, I realized the time and left. I'm sorry about the evening, I completely forgot._

In the meantime I inserted the key in the lock to open the front door and enter the house. Amy follows me silently, and this is definitely not her usual behavior. And not even a good sign. It can happen that you forget something, can't you? Why does it feel like I've just told her that I've killed someone?

_Amy, are you okay?_

I see her sitting on the couch while I leave my bag and jacket on the coat rack near the door. What the hell is wrong with her? She looks like she's in a trance.

_Ams? Look, I'm really sorry I wasn't going to miss the evening but it can happen-_

_Beca. I don't care about the evening. I know that it can happen to forget about appointments. I also forget what I do during the day, so imagine._

I knit my forehead because I can't understand where she's getting with this. If it's not for the evening, then why is she like that? Did I do something wrong? However I'm not interrupting her, I guess she hasn't finished talking.

_It's just that... The last time you tried to avoid me and didn't respond to my calls or messages, you were... So, you know._

Shit. How could I forget something like that? My eyes open wide and I can't help but notice in Amy's eyes the fear and worry that something like this might happen again. Well, here it is. That was not a happy moment. She had just moved to LA and I was up shit creek. I worked every day without stopping, every evening in different clubs and after finishing my shift I stayed there until the early hours of dawn with different girls, with whom I found myself in their bed the next day. I practically never went home, just for a few minutes in the morning, to have a coffee and go to work. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I was a ghost. I knew that Amy had just arrived in LA but I didn't want to meet her. She looked for me many times and every time I made excuses about excuses to avoid seeing her.

Not because I was mad at her, but because she was part of my past, of what I left in New York, and I didn't want her to spill over into my present. I was trying to forget, and I thought that Amy's presence there would only make things worse. I don't have to say I was very much wrong. Yes, I had met Blake, she had helped me and I was grateful. At that time she was a great support, at least I had someone to talk to from time to time, but I still couldn't eliminate the mode I had set myself up for: self-destruction.

**Pov Fat amy**

_Amy... I.._

My eyes move from the floor to meet Beca's. She is shocked but I can also see a veil of guilt in her eyes, and pain in thinking about everything that has been. It wasn't my intention to make her relive even for a moment what she has been through, but I was worried sick when I saw that she wasn't responding. I thought that after what happened a few days ago, with the news of Chloe, the wedding, she reacted badly and that she was falling back into the abyss in which she was wandering when I first met her here, in LA.

One evening I showed up at her house. I had been trying to contact her for weeks to see us, but she always declined the invitation. Thanks to the help of some of my friends I was able to understand where she lived and I waited patiently for her for an entire evening sitting on the porch just like before. It was late at night when I heard someone approaching the alleway, and I realized it was her. I was so happy to see her again, but my smile disappeared the moment I met her. It was as if there was no one in front of me. I still remember her expression, it seemed almost angry that I was there. But what struck me most was her appearance. It wasn't the Beca I knew. There was almost nothing left of her. Her eyes were dull, empty, surrounded by dark circles so deep and bruised that they were a clear sign of an unruly life. Her face was hollowed out, she had become so thin that with a breath of wind she would have flown away.

She was an empty shell and I felt so guilty for not being there for her in those months. My heart broke to see her like that. I was a very bad friend. We stared for an endless time, almost as if we were afraid to make a wrong move. Or at least I had it. I didn't recognize who was in front of me. Until the moment I had enough of that situation and I went to meet her to embrace her. I knew she wasn't a hug girl, but I hadn't seen her in months and it seemed the least I could think of. I opened my arms to make her understand what I was going to do, I was afraid she would pull back, but contrary to my expectations, she returned the grip and unexpectedly collapsed to cry. It was the first time I saw Beca crying like that, it was a desperate but liberating cry. I had no difficulty in bringing her into the house, I realized that she was really light, of an unthinkable thinness. Only after a while, she managed to calm down and talk. She explained to me what she was going through, I didn't want to ask for anything. It wasn't the right situation and I didn't want to force her to talk more than she felt she could. When I arrived that evening to wait for her, surely what had happened was not what I had imagined, but maybe I should have foreseen such a thing. After breaking up with Chloe, Beca didn't talk to anyone anymore, she left and didn't turn back. And the thing that I still reproach myself for today is not having been close to her in the first few months of LA.

It was a Tuesday that day, and I decided that from that moment on, every Tuesday night we would meet to spend the evening together stuffing ourselves with junk food. At firsts she seemed hesitant but luckily with my Australian charm, hard to resist, she was convinced.

That's why I got alarmed earlier when I noticed she wasn't answering. I may have overreacted too much, but I was afraid to see her again in those conditions. Especially since she hadn't been in touch for days after the reunion with the Bellas, and I immediately thought of the worst.

_Ams... I'm sorry I worried you. It wasn't my intention._

_I know Beca, though... Is everything all right? Are you okay?_

Her face relaxes and hints at a smile. In the meantime, she heads to the fridge to get two beers and uncork them. I'm waiting for her answer, and above all I hope that along with those beers she will bring something to eat. I'm starving. It's like she's read my mind and I immediately see a bag of chips coming out of the pantry. She turns around and winks at me while she laughs. She knows me only too well.

_I know you're hungry. I can read it in your face_.

I can't help giggling and nodding vigorously. But I'm not interrupting, I'm waiting for her to answer my question.

_If I told you I'm fine it would be bullshit. I'm not okay, but I'm not that bad either. I try not to think about it anymore, it's difficult but I try._

She responds by taking a sip of her beer, once she's sat at the corner of the couch with her legs outstretched towards me. I'm going for chips, my stomach hasn't given me any pity for more than an hour and all that worry has done is consume even more energy. I know she's sincere, and that's enough. I don't want to resume the speech, it would only bother her probably.

_Okay, Shortie, you know that if you want to talk, I'm here. Anywaaaay, what were you doing at the studio until then?_

I see her straightening out on the couch so that one leg is bent and she rests on her knee, and the other underneath her, turning towards the TV. I can see her smile getting wider and wider and I don't understand why. She's always been happy to work, but she didn't always have that expression on her face. Did they give her a pay raise? Any company gadgets? Lunches paid for the next few months?

_Well, here we go. There have been changes these days. That's why I haven't been in touch much lately. Um..._

_Good or bad?_

I ask more curious than alarmed.

_Ehm.. , last Friday my contract expired and-_

_Did you get fired? How dare they!_

_What? Fire-?_

_Wait but you love this job, and you were at the studio this evening. How is it possible that you get fired and were at work at the same time, what are you saying Beca?_

I don't think I've ever spoken faster in my life. Too many calories consumed. I need to refuel. I don't even wait for her to answer me, I get up and head to the pantry to get something else to eat. I act like I'm at home, although I can imagine how much Beca is bothering someone to touch her stuff. But I don't care much.

_Ams, if you keep talking and interrupting, I'll never finish to tell you the story. And no, there's nothing else in the larder. If you want, order a pizza._

_Now we're talking! Go ahead, shoot._

I take the phone out of my pocket and call the San Carlos pizzeria to order a giant with pepperoni and chips. My favorite.

_Now, what I was trying to say is, they changed my contract. I'm not just a DJ anymore, but also... Well, artist._

My eyes are wide open with amazement! I hear the guy on the other side of the phone keep talking but I don't notice anymore, in fact I close the phone call immediately.

_What? Artist? That is, in the sense of an artist who writes songs and sings them in front of many people, broadcast on the radio and who is invited to television programs?_

Beca artist? I'm shocked, but in a good way of course! I didn't expect such a surprise!

_Well, yes, Amy, if you put it that way. I just hope that the invitation to the TV shows will come as late as possible because I don't think I can hand-_

_Ahhhhhhhhhh!_

I can't stay still, in fact I scream with joy and I throw myself practically as a fish, on her to be able to hug her. It's useless to say how much Beca can't stand this kind of manifestation and tries to free herself from the grip as quickly as possible! What a jerk.

_Amy, Amyyy! Get off me, come on!_

_I can't believe it! I'm looking at the new Beyoncé, the new Mariah Carey, the new Katy Per-_

_Okay okay, slow down! As flattered as I am by your enthusiasm, there's only one Queen B. And above all, I don't even know if I'm going to become so famous, Ams... It may be that my career as it begins, it burns in a moment!_

Here's the Beca that breaks down before it even starts. I should give her some of my special self-confidence reserve. Yes, it's just the right moment. I get up and stand before her with a concentrated gaze. She looks at me with questioning air but as soon as I start to pass my hand on my butt she understands everything.

_Oh no no, Amy. No! I don't want the butt confidence, come ooon!_

_Yes yes yes, you really need it. You can't start your career as an artist without a little self-esteem made in Australia. Think of it as a good omen. And remember me when you get your first Grammy nomination!_

Beca rolls her eyes and hints a laugh because she knows I'm right. She'll become a star and I can't be more than happy about that. I could almost get moved right now.

_Amy don't make that face!_

_What face?_

I don't realize it but I actually got moved and I think I could give in at any moment.

_Amy! If you cry, I cry too! Don't make that face!_

She responds to me with tight teeth and in a fake threatening way, lifting her index finger as if she were a teacher. She's probably getting overwhelmed by emotion too, her eyes are more than shiny.

_It's my face!_

I respond in a flickering way. Okay, Amy calms down. It's a happy moment and you don't cry.

I rub my eyes with the back of my hands and give her a 32-tooth smile! She also relaxes and laughs at my spruce expression!

_Okay Shortie, time to celebrate! And I'm hungrier than before!_

I scream as I head to the kitchen to be able to pick up my phone and call the pizzeria.

_Carlos? Yes, yes two giants yes, Beca effing Mitchell pays!_

_Oh God..._

_Yes, yes, and remember this address one day, because you can boast of having delivered the pizza to the most famous star in America._

_Amy!_

_**Okay guys. First of all I want to thank each of you who is reading my story. It's satisfying have reviews and feedback from you, and I'm still incredulous that someone could actually like my story. Here it is just a little part of what Beca has gone through in the past. I hope you have enjoyed it. Thank you again, see ya. **_


	6. Chapter 6

**~ Unknown ~**

Pov Chloe

_Chloe... Well, I wanted to talk to you about something..._

_What is it? You know you can tell me anything!_

I answer her smiling and trying to be as relaxed as possible. But to tell you the truth I'm dying inside, I've never felt so much anxiety in a single moment. What is she going to tell me? Things have become more and more "strange" between us lately, a beautiful strange, of course. It's just that every time I'm next to her I can't suppress the feeling of butterflies in my stomach, I can't help but smile until I feel pain in my cheeks, and I know that I probably shouldn't feel like that, that it's definitely all in my head and that anything I feel would never be returned. But she is there, sitting on my bed, and she is so beautiful and looking at me with those eyes that, God, I could dive myself in. I just want to be braver and tell her everything. But here I am, stuck in the role of best friend, without being able to go any further.

_Oh God is so embarrassing... well, Umm... In these months, I've managed to understand some things and..._

_What things?_

_You know, things... Personal things that's it. And among these things, there are things I would like to share with you. Whoa, how many times have I said things?_

She responds by giggling and bringing her hand to her forehead, in a way that's anything but relaxed. She looks like she's about to have a panic attack. I look at her, frowning and trying to figure out what she's saying. But what could it be? She seems to be revealing an unavowable secret, and I can't help but notice how much cuter she is when she's nervous. However, I won't interrupt her, I nod to give her a sign to keep talking.

_God, I didn't think it was gonna be that hard. Chloe I... Look I.. . Ah, what the hell!_

I don't have time to think, and I realize that the space that divided us is reset to zero! Her lips are on mine and her eyes are closed. It was a matter of moments, I am shocked and she seems to have noticed and in fact she immediately comes off. For God's sake, Chloe, what's wrong with you? You've been dreaming about this moment for months!

_Oh, my God, Chloe, sorry, please forgive me, I know I caught you off guard and I understand that it wasn't appropriate but it seemed to be the onl-_

I don't even let her finish talking, I block her river of words and close the distances again. She doesn't seem to have expected such a reaction, but immediately afterwards she responds to the kiss. It's a slow, hesitant, sweet kiss, one of those kisses that make you feel in the right place, at the right time. I feel her hand resting on my cheek while mine goes to rest on her knee, so as not to lose balance. Our lips move in sync, it seems they were made for this. It seems that they are two pieces of puzzle that fit perfectly. I feel my heart exploding, I might have a heart attack how fast it beats. I don't want to get away from her, it's as if I've found my safe place and I don't want to leave it anymore. But my lungs require air, and certainly hers too. Slowly our lips move away, but we remain equally close with our fronts leaning against each other. I can feel her breath on my lips and a shiver runs through my entire back. It all seems so surreal.

_Chloe..._

_Beca..._

_Chloe..._

_CHLOE, Chloe wake up! C'mon!_

_Bec-ummf... What the fu-?!_

I feel a hand shaking my right shoulder insistently, what's going on? I lift my head off the pillow and slowly open my eyes to see who's bothering me. Suddenly I remember what I was dreaming about. My eyes open wide like plates, I turn around and sit on bed, taking my head in my hands. How is that possible? I hadn't dreamt of such a thing for an eternity, even though more than a dream, it was a memory. It was our first kiss. Involuntarily I bring my fingers to touch my lips, even if it's been years, if I concentrate, I can feel the same sensations. It was one of the happiest moments, loving someone and being loved is one of the greatest fortunes that can happen to you, and it happened that night. As for the evenings and the months that follow, but like all things, even the good ones have an end. And ours has been a more than unhappy end.

I lift my eyes to be able to look at the alarm clock on my bedside table. It's so late, shit!

_Chloe, what the hell? Not even the cannon shot wakes you up Your phone rang several times but you didn't hear it. It's there, on the television furniture._

_Thanks Bree, I gotta hurry the fuck up. I'm already late!_

I throw the blankets on the other side of the bed and I get off quickly to go to the bathroom and start getting ready. I have half an hour but considering that the clinic is quite far from home, making a quick count, I practically have only 10 minutes to be ready. Damn it. Me and the alarm clock will never get along, I've changed dozens over the years, but I still can't hear them. And so I'm always late.

I get into the shower to cool off and within 2 minutes I'm already out to get dressed.

I could try to enter a guinness world record competition, maybe I could win it. I wear jeans and a bottle green sweater, it's not very professional as clothing but in the end I'll put the white coat on, so it's not a problem. After combing my hair and applying a light veil of makeup, I retrieve my bag and phone and leave the room. I see in the kitchen Aubrey who is preparing breakfast, these days she is with me because Chicago has left and I do not like to be alone in such a huge house. So whenever he's not there, she comes to visit me. I smile because she was kind enough to make me find the coffee ready to take it away, I'm sure she will have prepared it while I was still sleeping, so as not to waste any more time. She knows me better than her pockets. She's like a sister to me, I wouldn't have known what to do, without her help in these years. She's always been on my side, she's had the patience to listen to me, to bear me, and she doesn't do it with everyone. Let's say that Aubrey is not exactly the kind of calm and understanding person, but with me she has proven to be such. And I can't thank her enough. We grew up together, always. Even before college, we had been in high school together and got along right from the beginning. However, as is normal, there have been times when our personalities have clashed, because they are very different: if I am rather compliant, let's say that she is a bit despotic, but eventually we have always managed to find each other and resolve our discussions. She's one of the people I can't being apart from, she's a cornerstone of my life, along with Chicago and my family, and I know that I can always count on her.

_You don't mind if I make breakfast, do you? There I put coffee._

She asks me uncertainly looking up from the pan where they are cooking eggs, realizing my presence.

_No no, Bree. Make yourself at home. Don't worry. I'm going out, it's very late. I'll talk to you later and thanks for the coffee._

In the meantime I approached the front door to leave, and in fact I raised my voice a bit to be able to make myself heard by Aubrey. I take the car keys, which are in the tray near the entrance, and I leave the house. It's a wonderful day today, the sun is already high but fortunately it's not very hot. The neighborhood where we bought the house is quite quiet, the neighbors are all very kind and when we moved in, some even organized a welcome party. Very friendly. Chicago was more likely to get an apartment in Downtown to be closer to the company's headquarters, but I wanted to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city, especially after my years in Brooklyn, where it didn't matter if it was night or day, there was always a lot to go. Although here is a quiet place, it doesn't mean that the whole world is, and in fact as soon as I get to the highway to get to the center I come across a traffic, that God holy, it seems that people practically live in cars to clog the streets of LA. There is not a moment when there is no traffic. I'll certainly be late, damn it.

It's 9:30 am, and I should have been at work by now. That's a great way to make yourself known, good Chloe! I try to get the phone out of the bag, that is in the passenger seat, but obviously when I need something I never find it at first. It's absurd. Fortunately, the tail of the car seems to run faster now, and with one hand I hold the steering wheel while with the other I rummage through the bag, and in all this I must also be careful not to crash anyone.

_Bingo! Found it!_

I take out my iPhone and unlock it immediately so I can call my assistant. Hell, I haven't saved the number on quick calls. How can you be so stupid, Chloe? It's your assistant, it should be at the top of your contact list. I look away from the street for a moment so I can look up the number in my address book and after I find it, I make the call, putting my speakerphone on, so that my hands are not busy. I just didn't realize that the car in front of me was practically stopped while I was going to a speed much more than moderate, and I can just in time to crush the brake so as not to cause an accident. Oh shit. All the cars behind me suddenly brake, honking their horn almost fiercely and I can even hear some curse sent against me. Chloe, what did you think you were doing? You know that's when you drive, you just drive, it's been a hair's breadth that you didn't crash. I bring my hand to chest level in a vain attempt to calm the accelerated beats of the heart. Why do I have to be so distracted sometimes? Damn it.

In all of this, Gary didn't even answer the call, so my efforts were worthless. I throw the phone in the next seat and decide to stay focused only on the road, now I'm already late, 10 or 20 minutes less, I will certainly not make a better impression.

After 15 minutes and an endless queue of cars, I can reach the clinic. I park my car not far from the building and with a quick step I reach the entrance. The waiting room is full, there are animals of all kinds. Dogs, cats, parrots, hamsters, even snakes? What? Who would ever keep a snake as a pet? I am astonished, maybe even a little terrified at the idea. Yes, I am a veterinarian and yes I should like all animal species unconditionally, but unfortunately there is no bigger stereotype than this. It may happen that we like some patients more than others, and above all that some species more. It's not strange, it's a bit like for doctors. I don't think doctors or nurses like all the patients they visit. Why should it be different for us?

Finally I see Gary reach me with a folder in his hand, surely inside there will be the list of visits booked. In the clinic there are several visiting rooms, in total we are 5 veterinarians, we alternate 3 visits and 2 in the operating room when there are operations. And today fortunately I touch the visits, not that I regret to operate, but I want to be able to settle down and learn more about the team, before entering the room. I want to be sure that I can count on those around me. I will be obsessed, but I want to be able to trust those who cooperate with me in the operation, especially because the responsibility is not only of those who perform the operation, but also of those around me.

Right from the start, I pointed this out to the management of the clinic, and they welcomed him with great serenity, without any problems or doubts about my abilities.

_Dr. Beale, I'm sorry I didn't answer your call first, but I was busy making our list of patients today. Dr Russell and Dr Turner have already started with the visits._

_Gary, don't worry, I'm sorry I was so late. There was a lot of traffic and I couldn't get there before. Anyway, it's time for you to start talking to me in an informal way, stop talking like this. And call me Chloe, Dr. Beale is too long to say._

I answer him with a smile and a wink as we walk towards our clinic. I can see how embarrassed he is at the moment, perhaps the managers will have told him to maintain formal relations with the doctors, but I do not like to feel different from others. His professional role is as important as mine or that of anyone else here, so to make the whole organization work well, it is good that we have good relationships. Or at least I see it that way.

_All right, Dr... um...Chloe! So, for today there are a total of 20 patients, I have done everything to try to reduce the list but the other two colleagues have not seen it willingly and then we divided the visits in the same way, more or less._

_Very well, that is not a problem. We still have to spend the day, right?_

Gary is too worried, when I was hired he told me that in the early days he would try to lighten my list of visits so that I would not be in a hurry and would be able to take the pace of the clinic gradually. Here everything is very schematic, it is not allowed to dwell too long with the patients, only in exceptional cases and especially the policy of the clinic is to reduce the waiting time as much as possible, so as to allow everyone to be visited and not be postponed to other appointments. They are quite efficient and I am not surprised that there are all these patients. Still with a smile on my lips, I wear my white coat and place myself behind the desk in order to start the visits. I love my job too much and I can't help but be so enthusiastic when I'm here. Surely my other two colleagues will take me for granted, but I don't care. Let the dances open... well the visits!

_Come on Gary, let's get started! Let the first one in._

After hours of work, several blood samples and several scratches to my furry friends (luckily I got rid of the snake), the turn is over. It's 4 p.m. and I haven't even had lunch. I should have called Aubrey, but I didn't get a chance. I'm sure she left me a few messages on the voice mail. Gary is still tidying up the office while I review some cards of the patients visited, so that they can be inserted in the appropriate folders. It's been a busy day but I'm happy with what I've done. Many have always told me that enthusiasm in one's own work is only present at the beginning, then everything disappears.

However, I am convinced that those who say such a thing are the first to have made a wrong choice in terms of work. You spend your whole life working, and the least you can do is try to do something that rewards you, that you get excited about, and that you love. I can't imagine doing anything else, Veterinary is my life, and I believe that I will never have enough to help our little friends.

_Chloe, I've finished settling in. I think I'm going to change and then I'm going. Do you need anything?_

I'm taken away from my thoughts and I look up to meet my assistant's. He is standing in front of my desk with a hinted smile on his face. He's a really good guy.

_No Gary, thank you. You can go, I'll see you tomorrow!_

I answer him smiling as I close the last file and turn off my laptop. I leave my coat on the rack near the door and I retrieve my badge so that I can go and stamp the exit time. After taking my bag and phone I head to the waiting room, definitely less full than when I arrived. Jenny, the receptionist, greets me cordially and waving to her with my hand, I go through the large windows at the entrance, to be able to get out of the clinic. The light is almost blinding, there is a huge difference between the artificial lights in the clinic and the external one. In fact, I can't help but squint in order to get used to it, it'so uncomfortable, my God! In the meantime I head to my car trying to remember the exact place where I parked it, hoping that it has not become an oven for the heat that it does.

Obviously my prayers were in vain, since as soon as I get into the car, I realize that the wheel is like incandescent lava. Damn it! It is better to turn on the air conditioning and wait for the temperature in the cabin to cool down a bit before going away. I could melt at the moment. The iPhone doesn't stop vibrating to indicate the different messages I haven't been able to see in these hours, there are some from Aubrey, others from my mother who asks me what the sunny LA is like, and others from Chicago who has tried to call me even more times.

**Bree 11.45 am**

_Hey, Chlo, several packages came over at home this morning. I left them all in the living room, I didn't know exactly where to put them. x_

**Mommy 12.15 pm**

_Chloeee, sweetheart, how's it going there in L.A.? Is the weather good? Are you comfortable at work? Write to us as soon as you can. It's been a long time since we heard from each other. xx_

I never understood why moms always ask if the weather's good. There are classic questions that you just can't spare yourself. It's a mystery, maybe when I have children, I'll start asking these questions and I'll finally understand why. For now it remains incomprehensible to me. Not that it makes any difference to them whether it's sunny or cloudy. Well, I can't hide the fact that I still feel a little homesick, I haven't been to see them for months, between the move, the new job. It's been a busy time.

**Chicago 1 pm**

_Hi, baby. I just got to the hotel. In a few hours I have a meeting with the managers of Skylar Corp. I hope I can hear you before._

**Bree 2 pm**

_Chloe, you must be busy at work. I just wanted to let you know that I'm going out and that I won't be home tonight. I've prepared something for you when you come back, it's all in the fridge. xx_

I should ask the Pope to make her a saint. If it weren't for her I would surely have gone to buy some crap from a fast food restaurant because my desire to cook at the moment is below zero. Not to mention my total inability to do so. Once I risked setting fire to the apartment in New York trying to cook a simple plate of pasta. Let's say I'm more of a takeaway person. But these are details.

**Chicago 3.45 pm**

I_'m going to a meeting. I miss you, I'll talk to you tonight. I love you_

I smile when I read the messages from Chicago, you wouldn't seem to think he's such a tender guy, on the contrary. The first impression he can give is the usual guy who gives himself a lot of airs, but it's far from that. He's very sweet, caring and he's always make himself in a thousand pieces for the people he loves. He's a perfect guy, the one every girl dreams of, with whom to get married and start a family. I couldn't have asked for better.

I lift my eyes from my iPhone to be able to look at the road, without actually looking at it. A clear image is defined in my mind, and it is certainly not what I should have imagined at the moment. It's like she's in front of my eyes, it's like my brain is stubbornly convinced that Chicago is the best, but if I've already found the best? Since I saw her again, I've been confused. It destabilized me and I can't afford that. Not after what happened, I have to focus on what I have and not what I had. But why then can't I get her smile and her gaze out of my mind? Stop Chloe. You've suffered enough already.

**Me 4.30 pm**

_I love you too. Call me when the meeting's over._

After answering my mother and Aubrey as well, the air in the car has cooled down enough and I can finally go home.

The way back was an Odyssey, cars that despite the green light remained stationary, interminable queues. I'll have to get used to it sooner or later. I leave the car parked in the driveway of the house and retrieve the keys from the bag. Sometimes it seems that there is no bottom, it is not normal that every time I have to put my head inside to be able to find something. I think I have to change it, definitely.

I immediately notice in the living room the boxes that Bree told me about in her message, but apart from that the house is perfectly in order. Almost maniacal. You can see that there's Aubrey's hand, it looks like a newspaper cover house of furniture as it looks. That girl is all too precise. I feel my stomach growling, I'm starving. I leave my bag on the couch and approach the kitchen. I take my lunch out of the fridge, which I don't know at this hour if it can be defined as such anymore. If for the morning between breakfast and lunch you have brunch, for the afternoon as they say? Too many questions and too little energy to answer. Eat, Chloe. Neurons need sugar. Needless to say, within 10 minutes I ate the chicken that Aubrey left me. It was something amazing, there was together a sauce of pistachios and rice venus that, Jesus, very good. I'd even ask her for the recipe to try it again, but I'm sure the result wouldn't be the same. Not even remotely.

I hear the phone ringing while I'm drinking the last sip of water and I answer immediately without even seeing who it is.

_Umm... Hello?_

_Miss Beale?_

Who is it now? I knit my eyebrows and settled down better on the stool in the kitchen, interested in the phone call received.

_Yes, that's me. Who is looking for me?_

_I am Inspector Pitt of the Detective Bureau of New York. I'm calling you because the case of the murder of Sabrina Brown-_

_Excuse me, what? You must have got the wrong number._

_Don't interrupt me, please. We know at the time that you were living with Miss Beca Mitchell, in Brooklyn. We would like to ask you a few questions about that._

I think my heart's about to explode as fast as it's beating. Who the hell is Sabrina Brown? And why do they want to talk to me? And above all, what does Beca have to do with any of this? I could have a panic attack at any moment, I feel the anxiety going all the way to the tip of my hair. What should I say? What does this have to do with me?

_I... Excuse me... But I have no idea who this Sabrina is or not... Um-mm... I don't know how I can help you._

_Miss Beale, calm down. I'd rather talk to you in person, just as I'll talk to Miss Mitchell. Can we meet on Monday morning at the office in Manhattan?_

In New York? Are you kidding me? Should I take a plane and travel across America to talk about something I don't even have the faintest idea about? What the fuck?

_Detective, I'm sorry but I don't live in New York anymore and I just can't make the appointment. And most of all, I don't see why you're looking for me when I really have no idea who you're talking about. I'm sorry._

_Where are you, Miss Beale, currently?_

What the hell does he want? But I don't even know if he really is a New York detective. What if it's a joke? Surely in bad taste, but still a joke?

_I'm sorry, but I don't even know if you're who you say you are. I don't think I can give you that information._

_It's perfectly understandable, that's why I sent her by e-mail, the letter of convocation to the office, authenticated with the stamp of the New York Police Department and my credentials. If you want you can check or contact the police office of the city in which you are located for more information._

What?! I take the phone out of my ear and see that I just got an email certified by the New York Police Department. So it's no joke. It's all true, and the person I'm talking to is a real inspector. What the fuck is going on?

_Okay... All right. I'm currently living in Los Angeles. I still couldn't make it to New York on Monday, sorry detective._

_All right Miss Beale, I'll get in touch with my colleagues in the LA department and we'll try to arrange a meeting. As far as I know, Miss Mitchell has also been living there for a few years. I will call her back for more information. Please be available. Goodbye._

I don't even have time to answer that I don't hear anything from the other side of the phone anymore. What the hell just happened? I have a lot of questions that I can think of, how did they get back to me? How did they know that Beca and I were living together? And why is Beca involved in a murder investigation? Murder? I just get the chills to think of it. And especially because I never knew anything about it? Did Beca kill anyone? Are you kidding me? I feel my eyes getting moist and a slight flicker pervades my whole body. I'm not understanding any of this situation. Calm down, Chloe, such a thing is not possible. The nervousness of being unaware of everything, of not having anything to do with everything that has happened and despite this being involved, overwhelms me and without thinking about, it I slam my glass against the marble of the kitchen shelf, breaking it into a thousand pieces. Shit.

After collecting the pieces of glass from the ground, being careful not to cut me, I check better the email that came to me a few minutes ago and do a brief search on this inspector Pitt. I want more confirmation. It's all true, he is registered with the New York Police Department and currently works as an inspector at the Detective Bureau. What the fuck was I involved in? Why do I always have to feel so bad when it comes to Beca? Damn it. I don't think twice about it and I go to restore the chat filed more than 2 years ago, and unintentionally read the last messages I received. She wanted me to call her, to meet up and talk. But of course I didn't answer any of them, it hurt too much. And thinking about it, it still hurts. I don't wait any longer and type in a message, concise, but meaningful.

**Me 5.35 pm**

_We need to talk._


	7. Chapter 7

~ **How to get away with a murder ~**

Pov Beca

¦Flashback: more than 2 years ago¦

Shit, it's already 8:00 p.m. and I'm still in the studio. This fucking internship at the record company seems more of an exploitation than the rest. But at least it's paid for, and sometimes I can even enjoy doing what I like, of course when the boss is not there. He doesn't want interns to get close to expensive equipment. Like we're children, what an asshole. Anyway, I think it's time to go, surely Chloe has been back home for a long time now and she's waiting for me. I say goodbye to the building's doorman and start walking towards the subway. The apartment is in Brooklyn, the studio is in Manhattan, it will take a while to get there. In the meantime I can check the messages received during the day, many of them are from the Bellas chat group. I don't understand what they say almost all day, it seems as if we still live all together on campus. I don't mind to keep in touch with them, but I get my phone packed for all the notifications I receive. There are also some messages from Chloe, and just thinking about, it put a smile on my face. If you look at me, you'll think I have a mental problem since I'm smiling like an idiot in front of the iPhone screen, but that's the Beale effect. I can't help it.

**Chloe ❤️ 6 pm**  
**Becs, I just got home. Thought I'd find you here already, everything okay at work? xx**

**Chloe ❤️ 7.35 pm**  
**Babe, what time are you coming back? Dinner's almost ready.**

I still can't believe it, but yes, Chloe and I are together. About 4 months, more or less. Dates are not my forte. It was the last month of college, we were about to graduate and I realized I had no more time. I had to tell her how I felt or I would regret it for the rest of my life. So I took courage and one evening we found ourselves on her bed talking and well... immediately afterwards kissing. It was at the exact moment she kissed me, that I realized that I had been a total idiot for not coming forward before. She was returning my feelings, and I don't think I have ever felt such uncontrollable happiness. It was a dream, well it still is. Because the person I'm coming back to, after a day's work is her, and honestly I couldn't ask for better. I'm totally in love with that girl, I really like her, and I love her. Really do. Even though I'm so stupid that I haven't told her yet. It took me a year to declare my feelings, 4 months to release the L-bomb are practically nothing. But I know I can't wait, there were times when I really wanted to tell her, and I feel that she too would have liked to, but a part of me is still so insecure and so vulnerable as to hold me back from saying those three famous words.

Surely Chloe will have understood this, and that's why she didn't get out of balance, maybe not to make me feel uncomfortable. I think she loves me too, doesn't she? Why else would we have rented a house together? Okay, there's also Amy, but only to be able to amortize the expenses. It's as if she wasn't there. So if it was just a passing thing for her, a college experience, we probably wouldn't be here, right? Beca, you're making too many mental films. You have to tell her tonight. Bloody hell. What if things change? If, after telling her, she pulls out? No, no, no, Beca. What the fuck do you think. The relationship is healthy, and it's been great so far. After you tell her, it will be even more so. It's like putting the icing on the cake. Everything will be fine. Yes, fine.

**Me 8.10 p.m.**

I**'m coming. 10 min and I'm home. xx**

I can already feel my stomach twisting around because of my anxiety. It's important and I haven't even thought about what to give her as a gift. They usually show in movies that they bring flowers and chocolates, but at the moment I don't have them. Maybe I could buy her a rose from the florist who's sitting next to the subway exit. Yes, that's what I'll do. Maybe even more than a rose. What if she doesn't like it? Chloe doesn't strike me as the rose type. It's more delicate, like cherry blossoms or lilies. But where am I going to find the cherry blossoms these days? I'm screwed.

The next stop is mine, which means I'll be home soon. Strength and courage, Beca, even without flowers or chocolates, everything will be great. Surely it won't be those who make the difference.

Throughout the metro trip, however, I had the strange feeling of being observed. Of course, the metro is practically the first place where you feel observed, but it is not like every time. There are too many people around to figure out who it is, but unintentionally my eyes cross the eyes of a person sitting in a corner of the wagon, and what makes me suspicious is that it seems to have been almost caught in the act, because it quickly turns the head to the other side. What the hell does he want? And especially who is he? I can't understand it, he has a cap on his head that covers almost his entire face, not to mention the people who are in the middle between me and this guy. Well, maybe it was a coincidence. It must have been just my impression.

Finally I get off the subway, turning several times to see if I was actually followed by that creepy voyeur, but fortunately there was no one behind me. What strange people.

_Hey, there you are at last! I was starting to worry._

I see Chloe get up from bed and walk towards me. As soon as I get in the house I can smell a little burnt, I'm sure Chloe will have made a mess in the kitchen. And to further confirm what I suspected, there are two envelopes on the table from a Japanese restaurant. She must have ordered sushi to fix it. I can't help but giggle because Chloe's guilty, mixed to worried look is something hilarious when it comes to cooking.

_Maybe I should start worrying, some evening I'll find the house on fire if you have to try again to cook._

I answer her laughing openly as she slaps my arm and is open-mouthed with a falsely offended air, turning around in her heels and going to the kitchen table. If you can call it a kitchen, it's more of an open space between the kitchen, bedroom, living room, and Amy's room. Let's say it's a whole. A unique space. I walk through the room to leave my bag on the chair next to my part of the bed and hang the jacket on the coat rack that divides our bed with that of Amy.

_How was your day at school? Did my little brain learn something new?_

I get closer to Chloe by tying my arms around her waist so I can hug her from behind. Meanwhile, she was unpacking her takeaway bags so we could finally have dinner. She pretends that I wasn't there because she continues to do exactly what she was doing, without paying any attention to me. However, being so close to her always has a certain effect on me, her scent is the best that can exist, and in fact I automatically place my head in the hollow of her neck to be able to feel it better. The anxiety to tell her that I love her is always there, but in this way I can calm down a bit.

_So now you're ignoring me?_

I ask her giggling and raising my head so that I can lean to the side and be able to look her in the face. She is still concentrating on arranging the sushi tubs on the table but she has a smile on her face as it gets bigger and bigger. I can't hold myself back anymore and I start to tickle her torso and she tries to free herself from my grip. She can't resist the tickle, it's her weak point. Like others, but let's say that it is good that I only know those.

_Beca, Beca.. Stop it!_

_I won't until you answer me!_

_I'm not talking to you! Come on... Bec-_

_Oh, yeah?_

I continue with my torture, bending her in half for tickle and laughter until she asks for mercy. But Beca Mitchell has no mercy on anyone, especially when it comes to tickling.

_So what? Do you give up and talk to me or do you prefer to continue like this?_

_All right, all right, stop! I give up. You won._

I see Chloe getting up and catching her breath, but still with a smile on her face. She's beautiful, my God. How reduced I am. I walk away from her so that I can get something to drink from the fridge, while she throws the bags away in the trash.

_There's no need to remember that I'm a mess in the kitchen. I already know._

She tells me while she sits at the table, with the expression of those who are aware of being a crap in the kitchen. It almost makes me tender. I can't hold back the slight laugh that escapes me because of her statement, but I don't want to continue to put my finger on the sore, so I'll let it go. I take my place at the table sitting in front of her and we start to dine.

_You are staring Mitchell. Shut your mouth or you might miss a little spit._

I hear Chloe giggling while she eats her portion of sushi with peace of mind. I didn't realize that I was enchanted at looking at her, she's perfect and if two minutes ago the tension I was feeling had practically disappeared, now my stomach has closed hermetically as if it were a fist. I look down and feel my cheeks blush for embarrassment. I'm really an idiot. Not even a little girl at her first 12-year-old crush behaves like me.

_You're so cute when you blush, Becs. Aren't you hungry today?_

_Huh? No! I mean, yeah. I'm actually very hungry, but my stomach is closed right now._

I see Chloe frowning on what I just said. It doesn't make sense, I realize it. Let's get started on Beca. If these are the expectations you can also bury yourself in the sand.

_In what way? How can you be hungry and have your stomach closed?_

Chloe leaves her chopsticks by the side of the sushi box to be able to concentrate exclusively on me. I feel the salivation zeroing and my heart beating stronger than I expected. It's like living the same night as college. It went well that time, hopefully this too. Maybe I'll have a panic attack soon, but okay. I realize I'm hyperventilating and I'm sure I'll have a paler color than the moon, but I can do it. I have to make it.

_Beca, are you feeling alright?_

She fills me a glass of water and passes it to me pretty quickly. I can see how worried she is at the moment, but that was definitely not the way I expected to start the speech. Drink Beca, and calm down. Breathe.

_Chloe... See, on the way home before, I was thinking..._

_What about Beca? I'm worrying._

_No no... It's nothing to worry about, or at least I hope it is._

I answer her with a tense laugh, scratching my nape in a nervous way.

_Beca, what's going on?_

_Chlo I... I realized that these months have been the happiest of my life, and this is thanks to you. Every time I go to work I can't wait to go home just to look at your eyes, to hear what you have to say about your day at school, to be able to hug you. If they had told me that I would end up in a relationship with my best friend from college, who is now my girlfriend, I would probably have laughed in their face. I wouldn't bet on it, simply because it seemed so impossible that someone like you could even try to be with someone like me._

Chloe meanwhile got up and took my hand so that I could get up from my seat too. Now we are in the middle of the apartment, hand in hand, me with my eyes glued to the floor and her eyes glued to me, brighter than ever. I can't help but notice how serious she is at the moment, maybe I'm doing something wrong? Or she's too focused on figuring out where I want to get at with what I'm saying. She doesn't interrupt me, and I'm grateful to her for that, if I were to lose the thread of my speech I probably wouldn't be able to say anything more. So I take a deep and continuous breath, clutching a little more of the grip on her hands.

_What I mean is that... In these months I have not been able to fully demonstrate what I feel for you and that I do not think I should wait any longer. I... Hmm... I really, really like you. And you're better than I could possibly wish for, you're perfect and... Hell you're beautiful. You leave me breathless every time you look at me and I might get lost in your eyes. I..._

_Beca..._

_No Chloe please let me finish because otherwise I panic more than I am, and I can not finish..._

I look up to meet Chloe's and I can see her eyes getting shinier and shinier and an embarrassed smile making room on her face. She shakes my hands even more, almost as if she wanted them to become one.

_Chloe... I'm...I'm really in love with you, I don't think I've ever felt such a thing for anyone else. You're beautiful, I think I've already told you and I think I'll never get tired of telling you. Just as I will not get tired of seeing you cook and burn another pot, or receive kicks and punches while you sleep, or hear you sing Titanium in the shower every day... God, I love your voice. I... Chlo, I love everything about you. Your hair, your lips, I love the fact that you wait for me every night to dine, that you adjust my part of the bed because I'm too lazy to do it. I love the fact that every morning you make me coffee to take to work... And I could go on forever, but the important thing to say is that...I love you Chloe Beale, and I'm sorry if I didn't have the guts to tell you before._

¦End of Flashback¦

I hear the phone vibrate to indicate the arrival of a message. I just got back into the studio after a moment of pause and received several calls during the day from an unstored number. Every time it called I was in the recording booth and I couldn't answer, and before it called again, I didn't have time to accept the call that had already dropped the line. Who knows who he was. I take the phone out of the back pocket of my jeans to check who it is, if it was still that number, but as soon as I read the name I feel my heart lose a beat. There is a notification of the message that lights up intermittently and I can only stare at it. However, the message is short, and it seems almost threatening.

**Chloe Beale 5.35 pm**  
**We need to talk.**

Do we have to talk? And what about? We haven't spoken in more than two years, what will she want to tell me about so urgent? I don't think twice about it, driven by curiosity and I type the answer.

**Me 5.36 pm**  
**About what?**

Not a minute goes by and the phone vibrates again when another message arrives. What the hell? Was she behind the phone?

**Chloe Beale 5.37 pm**  
**We need to talk about this in person. Tonight okay?**

Wow, slow down! My eyes are wide open like a plate. Tonight? Fuck, it's gotta be as important as what if she wants to see me in just a couple of hours. A lot of questions start to come up in my mind and I can't answer them, I'm supposed to be the last person she should talk to, what's going on?

**Me 5.39 pm**  
**Okay. How about 7:30?**

**Chloe Beale 5.40 pm**  
**Okay. I'll meet you at the entrance to Griffith Park.**

What? Griffith Park? And how do I get to Griffith Park from here? I have to go home to get my car, which means I have to leave the studio in half an hour. It's best to warn Joe and Ester, the producers, so they too can leave early today. The great thing about having a contract like mine is that you're basically not bound by timetables. Let's say they don't give you much trouble if you get out an hour earlier than normal, as there's not a card to stamp for entry and exit from work. Sometimes we stay until late at night, sometimes we leave early. It depends on how things develop.

_Hey Joe, do you mind if we finish early today? I just got a call and in half an hour I have to go._

_Don't worry, Beca, we can continue tomorrow. In fact, Ester is already gone, so for me we can stop here for today._

_Really? Are you sure?_

When you say you have a stroke of luck. Well every now and then in life it serves.

_Yeah, yeah, grab your stuff so we're done here._

_Thanks, Joe. See you tomorrow then!_

I leave the studio and head straight home. What should I expect from today's meeting? What does she want from me? I feel anxiety starting to eat my insides and my hands starting to sweat. What the hell Beca. She just asked you to talk, she didn't threaten to kill you. Keep calm. Part of me is almost happy to be able to talk to her, to have contact with her. But I can't afford to raise expectations about this evening. From what she has written to me, it seems quite serious. After about 20 minutes I reach home and decide to prepare a coffee to deceive the wait, it is too early to start already for Griffith Park. Yes, I shouldn't drink coffee since I'm practically anxious but at the moment there's nothing more pleasant than feeling the bitter taste in my mouth. At least I'm concentrating on that and I don't think about what will happen between now and an hour. I sit on the kitchen stool while staring at the vacuum and tambourine with my fingers on the shelf of the island while sipping coffee. A psychopath in a nutshell.

That's it. I can't wait any longer. It's better if I go out and get some air, I'll get to the appointment first, but it doesn't matter. It's better to be in the open air than closed in here in silence with just the ticking of the clock in the background. I get the keys from the coffee table in the living room and I'm about to leave, when I open the door and run into a person who was about to knock. Her arm is still up and her fist closed and I can't help but be surprised to find her practically on the doorframe of my house. What the hell?

_Wow, hey! What are you doing here? Aren't we supposed to meet in Griffith Park?_

_Yeah, I know, but I couldn't wait any longer._

I knit my eyebrows in a questionable way, in what sense could she not wait? I shrug my shoulders and invite her to enter the house, there she was, so much the better to talk here without leaving.

_Um... How did you know where I live? And above all, to know that I was at home?_

_I asked Stacie for your address with an excuse, I didn't know if you were there. I was only lucky, if you can call it that._

Okay, that was a little frenzy. I can't help feeling the nervousness growing even more, I'm not understanding what she's doing here, and I'm not understanding why she's doing this. As far as I know, I haven't done anything at all. I notice how she looks around without ever actually reaching my gaze. She's avoiding me, but then why did she want to see me?

_What do you want, Chloe? Why are you here?_

Finally she looks at me, her eyes are much clearer than usual. It's impressive, they're so cold. I've never seen her like this before, does it almost seem that she's mad at me?

_I got a call an hour ago. From the NYPD. A certain Inspector Pitt wants to see me so he can ask some questions about the murder of Sabrina Brown. And you're involved as I understand it. What the fuck is going on, Beca?_

I'm petrified. I think I've lost the ability to talk. I thought they'd closed the case, filed it. It's been 2 years now, why the hell would they open it again? Now I can connect all the calls received today, I didn't notice but actually the area code was from New York. What do they want from me? From Chloe?

_Beca! Answer me. What the hell am I doing in this whole story? I don't even know who this Sabrina is. How did they get back to me?_

_Um... Chloe, I don't... I don't know what to say. I have no idea why they called you. I haven't had a chance to talk to any of them._

I can't decipher Chloe's expression. It's like the quiet before the storm. I'm a little scared actually, I don't like the situation and I don't like her being involved.

_What did they tell you? If I may know..._

_They said the case about this girl's murder was reopened! Murder, holy Christ! What the fuck did you do, Beca?_

_What do you m-?_

_What I mean? Beca, detective Pitt told me that you are involved in this story, they know that we lived together and I don't know shit about any of it! What else did you keep from me when we were together, huh, Beca?_

I'm shocked. My eyes almost come out of my eye sockets. What else did I keep from her? What the hell is she saying? And then why the fuck is she screaming? She's definitely exaggerating.

_What the hell are you implying, Chloe?_

I'm asking her while I take a step forward but still keep a certain distance. The anger of feeling veiledly accused makes my blood boil.

_What am I implying? I don't know, you tell me. Because I don't know what to think right now._

We stare into the eyes for endless seconds. We're both very nervous and I'm trying to stay calm as much as possible. She's already freaking out, I don't need to start. However, I don't know what to say to her. There are a lot of thoughts in my mind that I can't concentrate on being able to formulate a sentence with full meaning.

_Did you kill that girl?_

Boom. The sound of my heart literally burst. I have a knot in my throat, I think I can't breathe anymore and my eyes have never opened wider. What the fuck did I just hear? I think I could lose my mind at any moment.

_Beca answer me._

She's terribly serious. That is, she really thought so. She thought I might have killed Sabrina. I don't think I've ever felt as badly judged as I am at the moment. Does she really think that I could do or could have done such a thing?

_What the fuck are you talking about? Are you kidding me?_

I can't hold back a nervous and hysterical laugh that stops as soon as I cross her eyes again. Oh, my God.

_I don't know, tell me. In the past you showed me that you could do things I didn't think you could do, and yet they happened. So what?_

My breath is cut in my throat. I can't believe what she just said. But who am I talking to?

_Who the fuck are you? Huh? How can you think of saying that things? And to believe it, too! Fuck._

I'm amazed, she doesn't answer. It's there that she's waiting for a yes or no to her question. Enough, I've had enough.

_Get out of my house. Now!_

_Bec-_

_I SAID, GET OUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE. You can't afford to accuse someone of doing something like that! What the fuck does your brain say? Go away, Chloe. Please._

I can't hold myself back anymore and I'm yelling at her. How is it possible that this idea has even touched her mind? I feel tears in my eyes threatening to fall, but it's just nervousness. I can't look at her anymore. I could give in at any moment and I don't want to be seen like that by her. She passes by me and after having given me a quick glance she heads towards the door, in silence.

_If you really want to know who Sabrina is, reread the letter I wrote you two years ago. Maybe I'll refresh your memory and not go around accusing people. Now please leave. I can't tolerate your presence anymore._

I feel her look burning on my shoulders. But she doesn't answer, she opens the door and leaves. What the fuck just happened? Warm tears streak my face and I can't stop sobbing. I fall on my knees because I no longer have the strength to support myself. It's as if someone was crushing me and I didn't have the ability to fight it. Can it get any worse than this? Enough Beca. Stop crying at yourself. You've been going on like this for two years and you haven't solved anything. There are so many things that I would like to scream at the moment, that they have been locked in my mind all this time. A single message from her only opened my heart this afternoon, yes, because I was hoping it would be something less brutal than what shehad to say to me. And I got screwed again. I just got more pain from her. Will you ever learn Beca?

I hear the phone vibrate, it's a message from Blake.

**Blake 7.15 pm**

**I just got off the phone with John. He'd like to hear something ready within a couple of weeks, max. 3. Get at work, it's your time, Beca.**

It's my time.

I already have the words in mind. Go ahead Beca, and don't look back anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

**~ Missed person ~**

I've been locked up in the recording studio for hours, the one I have at home. It's a small booth, it's nothing, there's not all the equipment as the record company, but it allows me to arrange something with great acoustics. It took awhile to make it, for the whole issue of sound insulation, electrical connections between inside and outside the booth, and other things I don't understand at all. But it was worth it. I wanted it because at least on bad days, when I don't want to hear or see anyone, I isolate myself in here and let the outside world continue to go on, without interfering with me. It's better that way, because in days like these I could be really intractable and crabby, more than I already am.

Since Chloe left last night, I've been taking refuge here. Now I think it's 5:00 a.m., or something more. I didn't eat anything, I didn't sleep. I stayed here to be able to put on paper what is bouncing off my head and prevent all these thoughts from driving me crazy. I read somewhere that writing is therapeutic, and actually after sketching something, I felt better. Probably because you focus on what you are writing, diverting attention from what you were thinking. Maybe. But it works, so that's what matters.

Blake wrote to me several times during the evening last night, but I haven't answered her yet. When I received her first message, it was as if a dam had broken in my mind and a cascade of words had flooded my brain, I tried to channel all the anger felt into something more productive. Or at least I hope, because otherwise all the work done this night would have been worthless. I managed to compose two verses and the chorus of my first real song, with lyrics and melody. There will be the bridge to add, surely something will be to improve, I will have to make it heard and record it in the studio, and I will be helped by the producers, if all goes well and they like the lyrics. I've translated into words everything I've heard over the years, everything that Chloe and her damn words have caused in me. Both in the past and yesterday. It turned out to be a ransom song, if you can call it that. Because that's what I want for me.

I want to redeem myself from all this time spent in pain, destroying myself for someone I thought knew me better than anyone else. I am disappointed, bitter, wounded, once again. But I'm tired of all this. The pain remains, I can't sweep it away as if nothing were wrong, but I can start working on it, and maybe try to get inspired. At the moment I couldn't have written better, it's still the first time I've taken down barriers and let my most vulnerable part speak. I just hope it's enough as a start. May they appreciate it. John had given me the deadline in a couple of weeks, let's say I got carried away and shortened the time.

**Blake 6.15 am**

_Good morning. Know that if you don't answer this message either, I'll start calling anyone I know on the face of the earth to find out where you are._

How can she be so morning? If it were for me, I would sleep almost all day long. Especially today after spending an awake night. Maybe I could say I don't feel well and don't go to the studio, stay home in bed and make up for all the lost sleep. That sounds like a good idea. But I'd like to make them listen immediately what I have composed tonight. Damn workaholic. I take my headphones out of my ears and drop them on my neck while I rest my forehead on my hands. I have a hallucinating headache and I don't know if I'll be able to cope with the day. Not at least without a double coffee and maybe something to eat. My stomach is still closed but maybe I can get a yogurt down. I should answer Blake, she's really capable of calling anyone, and I sincerely don't want them to ask me unnecessary questions or worry about anything.

**Me 6.20 am**

_Morning. I'm alive and fine, no need to call anyone._

After typing the message I decide it's time to leave the studio and go and throw myself on the couch, maybe I can rest for half an hour before getting ready for work. With every step I take, I feel pain at the level of my temples, damn it. I've been reduced really badly. I'll have to take something strong to calm it. Before going to the living room I pass by the bathroom to be able to retrieve a painkiller from the shelf behind the mirror of the sink. Sooner or later I'm going to have to make a bit of order, for sure there will be medicines that have expired for an eternity. I fill my glass near the tap with running water and swallow the pill all in one breath. I can't help but notice my reflection in the mirror. The dark circles are impressive, I'll have to work miracles later with the concealer.

I leave the bathroom and go through the corridor that leads to the living room. Without thinking twice, I throw myself on the couch and carry one arm to cover my forehead, while the other one I leave on my abdomen. It's almost relaxing to feel how my belly rises and falls with every breath. Sometimes concentrating on one's own breathing helps, for example it induces me to sleep, like listening to one's own heartbeats. It may seem weird, but when I put my ear on the pillow enough to cover it, and there is silence around me, I can perceive the sound. It's so strange. It's as if that beat were a clear demonstration that no matter how sick you may be, life goes on anyway. And actually your heart isn't broken, it hasn't stopped. It keeps beating, and every time you hear it break, and you hope it's the last one, it doesn't really happen. Is that why it always hurts so much?

From the windows, the pale morning light filters through the living room and kitchen. My eyes get heavy and I can't keep them open anymore.

I hear an annoying noise, far away but gradually as if it were approaching me. What the hell is that? I open my eyes slowly, I didn't notice that I had fallen asleep. And also deeply, because it seems to be late afternoon as the light coming from the windows is warm, almost as if the sun was about to set. Shit. Did I sleep so much? The intention was to take a nap for half an hour. Not 12 hours. I get up slowly from the couch, extending my arms upwards so I can stretch out. The good thing is that at least the headache has passed. If it doesn't come back, since the door bell is practically ringing my eardrums. What the fuck!

_What impatience, holy God!_

I whisper with tight teeth. Whoever it is will have to have a more than valid motivation to give so much annoyance and to have interrupted my sleep. Even if it's about 12 hours. It's never enough.

I open the door and what I see is definitely not what I expected. There are a lot of eyes looking at me with concern and maybe, even a little apprehension? All but one, of course. What's going on? I frown my forehead and squint my eyes in a questioning way.

_Did I miss something?_

_Look, do you think it's normal to disappear for a whole day, not go to work and come out like that?_

Blake stands in front of everyone with her arms crossed to her chest and a look that could incinerate me at the moment. Oops. I forgot to warn, or rather I have not forgotten. My intention was to go to work, but then I fell asleep and well, now I have my manager who would like to kill me. I'm sure she made a couple of phone calls to find out where I was or with whom, maybe even more than a couple, since the people behind the door.

_Beca, the chick here, is right. You made us worry._

Here Stacie comes forward and puts herself in the same position as Blake. They are two giants, I feel like an elf in comparison to them. Why didn't God give me even an extra 5 cm?

_Well... I fell asleep 5 minutes but then those 5 minutes became more than 10 hours clearly._

_Well, now you owe us a dinner at least. Move away._

Blake with her hand pushes me from side to side at the door to enter the house and of course the others follow her. There are Stacie, Flo, CR, Emily (who just passes in front of me, hugs me and apologizes for the inconvenient. She is really too kind girl), Jessica and.. As soon as I see her the smile that had appeared on my face, fades away. I shut the jaw and tighten the door handle much more forcefully. What is she doing here?

I can see how she has a low look, as if she were feeling guilty or uneasiness. I don't know. She's slowly approaching me, perhaps for fear of taking a wrong step. Or maybe because she doesn't think it's a good idea. In the meantime, the girls are positioned in the living room leaving their jackets everywhere and turning on the TV.

_Beca..._

She stopped at the door. She obviously doesn't want to go in, or she doesn't even know what she wants to do.

_What else do you want, Chloe?_

I probably seemed more of a bitch than I really wanted to, but I can't do anything. I still have in my head the images of last night's discussion, what she told me and I can't ignore it. I don't really understand what she still wants from me.

_Um... I just wanted to know if you were okay. You didn't answer the chat of the group a-_

_I'm pretty fine, thank you. I can...hmm. Can I do anything else for you?_

I'll interrupt right away. As much as I'm surprised at her interest in knowing if I was okay or not, I can't help but think about how stupid it is as a concern. She should imagine how I am, especially for what happened almost 24 hours ago. I didn't realize that I had lowered my gaze, and as soon as I raise it, like a magnet, I cross hers. She seems resentful of my behavior, but it's as if she's keeping to her own. As if she doesn't want to be unbalanced.

But she's always so damn beautiful. As much as I may be mad at her, her presence is not indifferent to me. And every time I look at her, a part of me melts like ice cream in the sun. Can I really be more influenced than that by a person? Although, actually the right word is another, but it hurts too much to admit it, even if only in mind. I can no longer bear the embarrassing silence that has been created between us, I should probably take off my bitch mask and try to be nicer to her. Eventually, she's in front of my door, and if she's here, it means she's really worried. Right?

_Um... Do you want to come in? I don't think we should stay here anymore._

I see how hard-fought she is about the answer to give me. She moves her gaze between me and the living room behind me, but at the end she glues it on the floor of the porch and takes a step back. I take that as a no.

_No... Maybe it's better than not. I have to go._

I see her go away, go down the steps and cross the driveway of home. In all of this, not a single sound came out of my mouth. I stood still and in silence, watching her leave. Should I have stopped her? Maybe she wanted to stay but she didn't do it so as not to complicate things. Or she just didn't want to be there. When she gets to her car, she turns around and raises her hand as a greeting before taking her place in the car. I raise my hand slowly and waves slightly to her. It's all so weird. I never liked to be like this with Chloe, to be so cold, so bitter. But I can't expect the situation to be different at the moment, we haven't talked to or seen each other in two years. And yesterday was also the first time we found ourselves locked up in a room alone, and things didn't go very well, so maybe the universe is trying to tell us something. I should probably keep my distance, I can't afford to get close again and end up like Icarus' wax wings.

I turn around so that I can return in, closing the door behind me. I don't think I'll be able to send them away, not before I've offered them dinner at least. The last thing I needed today was their commotion to destroy my eardrums, but I don't think I can fight that much. Blake could take my head off as far as I know.

_Beca, we didn't think you had a manager, and most importantly, we didn't think she was as hot as hell._

CR says turning a glance between the incredulous and the admirable. Well, what is it? Is it so strange that I have an agent? Meanwhile, Blake winks and smiles at her with her usual charm, mimicking a "thank you" with her mouth.

_Yes, I have a manager, and yes it's the blonde giraffe who surely called you to find out what happened. And for the record, Blake, it wasn't necessary._

I respond annoyed, diverting my gaze between CR and Blake who rolls her eyes upwards and gets up from the sofa, to be able to position herself in front of me, with an expression that does not reveal anything. Impassive. She squints her eyes a bit to be able to look at me better, I don't understand what she wants now. I'm already quite irritated by the fact that they broke into my house, now I also have to watch her investigative looks.

_Excuse me, girls, we'll be right back._

She drags me to the first room she finds in the hallway and pushes me in, closing the door behind her. All this under the incredulous gaze of the other girls. Fortunately they don't give us much weight and in fact I heard their chat excited immediately after a few seconds. Blake is in front of the door with her arms folded and looking at me in the same way as before.

_Will you stop looking at me like that? You're creepy._

_I won't stop until you tell me what the hell happened with you and the blonde ditz who escaped 5 minutes ago._

I raise an eyebrow and stare at her for a few seconds. Immediately after I try to reach the door to be able to return to the living room but she opposes. What a pain in the ass.

_Blake, let me go._

_Why didn't you show up for work today?_

_Why do you think that is? I was asleep and YOU woke me up._

I try to cross it again but she moves and gets in my way. What the hell? It's annoying.

_Okay, so why didn't you reply to practically any of the messages I sent you last night, but strangely enough you responded to this morning's at dawn?_

_Okay what is it? Are you giving me the grilling? You're not my mother, let alone my guardian. I'm adult and vaccinated and I can do what the fuck-_

I hear the door open and Stacie joins the club. Great, now I have no way out. Perfect.

_So what happens?_

_That's what I'm trying to understand, but the hobbit here doesn't want to talk. She's just complaining._

_Oh, my God, you're untenable!_

I look up to the ceiling and turn around, giving my back to them. I walk a few steps away, bringing a hand to my forehead; they won't leave me alone until I tell them what happened. But what could I possibly explain? Nobody knows what really happened, except Amy. She's the only one I've been able to talk to, because I've never felt judged, she's always left me my space and my time. Which at the moment, the two taller ones here, don't seem willing to do. What excuse can I find? Come on Beca think. Not that there are many plausible excuses, how can you justify the fact that something has happened in these hours between me and Chloe? When haven't we practically seen each other in almost 2 years? I can always deny that nothing happened. Yes, I would say that's the best option. Always deny the evidence. Nice mature behavior Beca.

_Nothing happened. I think she cared like all of you, but unlike you she was kind enough to leave me alone._

I turn with exasperated gaze. I hope they're buying it. I don't know what else to say and above all, I'm not good at lying. Both have their eyes glued on me as if they wanted to study my every movement, my every expression. I feel so much like I'm in a shop window. Maybe they're considering whether or not to believe it, I don't know. I just know that I want to get out of this room and not continue the conversation. It's rather uncomfortable.

_You know, Becs, I might accept that you don't want to talk about it right now, but we're neither blind nor deaf. We have seen your little exchange of words before, and the tension between you was so evident, more so than it was on the evening of the reunion at her home._

_Stace...Stacie, right?_

I see Stacie nodding to Blake's question. They've just met and they're already in cahoots. They could be dangerous together.

_Okay, Stacie here, is right. And as your manager, friend and personal consultant, I have a duty to make sure my client is okay._

_Since when are you a personal consultant?_

I ask with quizzical air. I'm pretty sure she only invented this thing so that she could extract as much information as possible. Knowing her, I understood that she is a curious being of nature.

_From exactly this moment. And you should start thanking me. You won't do without me in the next few months. You can bet on it._

_What will happen in the next few months?_

Oh, God, here we go again. I'll have to explain the whole story to the others again as I did with Amy on Tuesday. That's boring.

_Hola bitches!_

Stacie and Blake turn quickly to see who just opened the door. Here, talk about the devil, we were only missing Amy to collect. I just hope she doesn't start asking questions too.

_There's a meeting here and I didn't know about it?_

_No Ams, actually there is no meeting and we were just going back to the living room._

I make way for myself among the girls and I finally manage to get out of the room. I can see Amy's confused look but fortunately she doesn't say a word. I hear Blake and Stacie whispering to each other but I can't understand what they're saying, and I don't really care at the moment. I join the other girls in the living room and they are all focused on watching something on TV, it seems like a cooking show. Really? What has become my home, a recreational club for the elderly?

I head to the kitchen to get something to drink. I now know that they will not leave, and that we will spend the evening together. So at least I should be hospitable, as much as I can. I hear someone following me but I do not notice, I realize that it is Emily, only after pulling out of the fridge two cartons of beers. Yes, I always have a reserve of beers at home. Everything can be missing, but beers never.

_Can I help you?_

_No, Emily, thank you._

I answer her with a smile, but I have the feeling that the conversation is not over. It seems like those situations where children have to say something but don't have the courage to say it. And she looks like someone who needs to talk, she keeps scratching her thumb from before.

_Are you alright, Em?_

_Uh? Yes, yes. It's just that, you know, I realized that you don't look great and...I know that sometimes I can seem stup-_

_You're not stupid, Em! Maybe you're the smartest of us here._

_Oh, thank you. You're very kind. Anyway, I was saying, maybe I'll be the last person you need to talk to, but I wanted you to know I'm here. For anything._

She's really too tender. I should be annoyed that almost everyone today is asking me if there's anything wrong with me, but I can't do it with her. She always makes herself available to others, and I know that I can trust her. But simply at the moment, I don't want to talk to anyone about what happened.

_Thank you, Em. It means a lot to me._

I answer her smiling and holding her arm with one hand as I pass by. She is smiling at me in an embarrassed way, nodding.

I go back to the living room and place the beers on the glass table in front of the sofa. I momentarily occupy their view of the television, if I ever did! They almost bite me.

_Becaaa, move away! You're making us lose the fundamental step of the recipe!_

I turn slightly raising both eyebrows with unbelieving air. Are they serious?

_I don't know, do you want me to bring you a ball of wool and knitting needles to make a sweater? The nursing home is 2 blocks from here._

I say by placing myself in front of them with my arms crossed to the chest. Flo gets up from the couch and stretches her arm to move me, while the others protrude on one side and on the other to be able to see something on TV. God they are really concentrated!

_Beca because of you we haven't been able to understand how to assemble the croquembouche. It was the last step._

_The croque-what?_

What sorcery is this? How can a name so difficult to pronounce is something to eat?

_I'm sure you'll be able to live even without knowing how to assemble the croquembouche. Rather, Miss Mitchell should tell us something._

I see Stacie stopping behind the back of the sofa, facing me, with a smart smile on her face. The same one that is present on Blake and Amy's face. They must have told her all about the contract. And I wanted to wait and tell the others, so I could understand if my career as an artist really took off or not. You can't keep anything from these girls, it's absurd. I roll my eyes and head for the armchair near the couch to sit down.

_Come on, Shortie, don't bother your face. We're your family, you know we'll always support you. Even if I end up sweeping the street._

_Yeah, thanks Amy for the pep talk._

I see Amy winking at me and smiling at me as she walks away to go to the kitchen and definitely look for something to eat. It's a shame for her that I have practically nothing. The last time she was here, she cleaned up everything that was left.

_So, long short story, they changed my contract and from being just a DJ, now I'm also an artist. That means songs, CDs, tours and everything around. Surely Blake knows a lot more than I do. So if you have any questions, ask her. I pay her for that too._

I finish off by exhaled a long breath and I realize that they are all with their mouths open, with a clear expression of surprise on their faces. The same expression I had when they proposed the contract to me. The most excited one seems Emily, I could bet she's going to cry soon. Too emotional the girl.

_Wow, you're a bomb, Mitchell! Congratulations!_

I see CR getting up from the sofa oozing with happiness and walking through me with open arms, and immediately behind her, the others.

_Oh no, not the group hug, please girls!_

I could suffocate at the moment. I am practically in the middle of a lethal grip and they have decided not to come off. How sticky they are, my God! But I can't help but smile, maybe Amy's right. I should share this moment with them. They're my family after all, and it's only fair that they know. Surely I would have preferred all of them to be there. But you can't ask for much from life, can you?

_So what are you working on right now? Have you already written something?_

That's the question I wanted to avoid. I'm not sure I want all of them to hear what I composed last night. Emily's enthusiasm is palpable, it's her camp at the end. She writes songs so a similar reaction is understandable. They all have their eyes on me. Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Sooner or later I'm going to have to get through this phase, that's to say, if everything goes as it should, I'd have to play and sing in front of a lot of people. It's good to start with them, what can they say about negative?

_Um... Well, let's say I'm working on... Something, yes._

_Really?_

_Really, Blake. Why would I say bullshit?_

Okay, maybe I was a little harsh. But it's a new situation for me, I've never been so exposed and I don't know exactly how to behave.

_Wow, calm down, tiger. It was just a question. So what is it?_

Eh. What is it about? How do I explain it in simple words? Without going into too much detail and without them asking any more questions?

_I don't... I don't know how to explain it to you, actually. It's...it's complicated._

I can't stand their looks and I bow my eyes to be able to look at the floor. My hands start to sweat and I automatically start rubbing them together so that I can calm down. Come on Beca, it's nothing. You're not in front of strangers, they know you.

Maybe they have noticed my sudden change of mood and I see Stacie approaching me. She drops to her knees to reach my height, as I sat down in the armchair while they regained their seats on the couch.

_Hey... Beca. We're not here to judge. We love you and would really like you to show us something. Do you want to?_

_Yeah, Becs, maybe that's how we can figure out what it is, on our own._

I take a deep breath and get up from the chair. They look at me with a hopeful air as if they were trying to give me some confidence, so that I can show them what I did last night. It's sink or swim.

_Follow me._

All together they get up and I hear little screams of joy and short claps of hands. I see Emily trotting behind me practically like a dog does with her master, all excited to hear what I have composed. I enter the small studio where I spent all night and see the girls sitting on the two-seater sofa, some sit on the floor while Blake and Amy stand up.

_Here you go, I didn't complete it and today the intention was to make my producers heard it. Well, I didn't go to work anymore, so... nothing. I hope it's decent._

I sit on the stool inside the recording booth and place the guitar on my legs. I've already activated the speaker so they can hear me from the outside. Come on, Beca.

**Pov Chloe**

I've been trying to remember the letter Beca told me about since last night. A letter she wrote me about 2 years ago. But I never received anything, and I don't think she told me a lie, from her tone of voice she seemed rather sincere, and above all damn serious. This morning at work I was more distracted than ever, I couldn't concentrate because I had all my thoughts turned to the discussion I had and to the whole story of the murder. I still can't believe that I'm involved in all of this, and that Beca is in the middle of the investigation. Plus, this morning the Bellas group chat went crazy because everyone was looking for the DJ but nobody could find her. I can't hide the fact that I was worried a lot, because I knew that probably her behavior was dictated by what happened with me yesterday, and although I was almost certain, that she wouldn't want to see me with the others behind her door, I couldn't help going there. If something had happened to her, I think I would never have forgiven myself. And I wanted to make sure with my own eyes that she was really well. And apparently, yes, she was just sleeping. Maybe we shouldn't have worried so much, but that plucky goose as her manager seemed pretty alarmed. She certainly doesn't know Beca as well as I do. When something happens to her, it's like she falls into selective mutism, leaving everyone else out. She's always been like that. The only one she allowed to get close to was me, and now the situation is all backwards. I can't expect any more, I probably would have behaved even worse if I had been in her place. I certainly wouldn't have invited her to stay at home with the others, just as she did with me no more than 20 minutes ago.

I'm just always overreacting when it comes to Beca. I know I should definitely apologize for what I said last night, I can't get her expression out of my head when I accused her of killing that girl. My God, Chloe... Can you be more stupid than that? On the one hand I know that she could never and never have done such a thing, but on the other hand, after having had the conversation with Inspector Pitt, I felt like I didn't know her. I got confused. It's as if I've realized that I don't know anything about her, how she is made, if she's been able to hide something like that from me. I had some doubts, in the background I still have them, but I try to rationalize. How can you take a person's life away? It's not possible.

Now I'm on my way home, I drive like a robot, so much so that I don't notice the different calls I've received from Chicago. What should I tell him? I never told him anything about Beca, about our story and now I should explain to him the situation in which I was involved? What a disaster, I wish it was just a bad dream. I rub my forehead in a vain attempt to clarify my thoughts, to find a meaning to this whole story and above all to find the right words to say in Chicago. "Hey, love, hi. You know I was called by an inspector of the Detective Bureau of New York to investigate a murder of a girl unknown to me, but unfortunately my ex-girlfriend is involved and so they want to ask me some questions." He could probably have a stroke. To those who wouldn't come. Maybe I could wait to tell him, see how things are going. But how can I hide this from him too? What kind of marriage do I want to build if I'm not honest? It's okay not to talk to him about Beca, I might even find an excuse for that. But the investigation? Oh, for God's sake. Enough Chloe, you have to tell the whole truth, he loves you and will understand. And you love him. He deserves your honesty. No omissions.

I'm almost home, and even if I just want to throw myself in bed and sleep, I have to put those packages that have been in the living room since yesterday, in order. They don't settle down on their own unfortunately. I just hope Aubrey's there so she can help me out and finish early.

**Me 6.50 pm**

_I just got home love. Sorry I didn't answer but I was busy. We'll be in touch as soon as you can. I love you_

I send a message to Chicago while walking through the driveway home after parking the car. The days are getting longer, the sky at this hour is not as dark as it is in winter. It is a soft blue, which mixes and perfectly covers all the shades of the sunset, now far away. I love this period, it is a phase of transition, of change. Winter is an old memory now, and leaves room for what's new. It is as if spring were a new beginning, a prelude, everything seems to come to life suddenly. And there is nothing more beautiful, you rediscover beauty.

_Hey Bree!_

_Hey sweetheart! How was your day? I saw that on the Bellas group there was some confusion today. Do you know what happened?_

I went into the house and left my bag on the furniture at the entrance, and then threw myself on the couch in an unkind way, near Aubrey. She is intent on watching something on TV while I throw my head backwards and lean against the back of the couch, closing my eyes. I'm so tired, my God. Is there a magic wand that can put the house in order for me?

_They were looking for Beca. She hadn't been traceable since last night and her manager was alarmed._

I answer her with my eyes still closed. It's the truth in the end, I've only omitted the part explaining why this situation arose. But I feel observed, so I just open an eye to peek and see how Aubrey is looking at me in a confused way. I just hope she doesn't ask any more questions, I don't have the strength to answer them.

_I think she was too busy in bed with one of her "friends" for one night. Did you finally understand why she wasn't answering?_

Involuntarily, I tighten my fists, imagining Beca's scenario that she turns between the sheets with different girls every night and especially different from me. I feel a strange but familiar feeling that spreads all over my body, the same that I felt when I saw Beca with that kind of blond toothpick that she has for manager. Calm down, Chloe, you can't afford to be jealous of your ex. Wait what? Jealous? No no no no. I can't be, I don't have to be. They call themselves ex for a reason, and you can't be jealous of something that is and must remain in the past. No Chloe, get over it. That's not how it works.

However, I feel my cheeks on fire, I'm sure I've turned red like a pepper and I guess it hasn't gone unnoticed by my best friend.

_Chloe, are you okay?_

I feel Aubrey's hand touching my forehead to check if I was actually okay. I'm fine Aubrey, my problem is another one. And it starts with B and ends with Eca.

_Yes Bree, I'm fine. I'm just a little tired. Anyway we finally went to check the house out and she was just sleeping._

I answer her by shrugging my shoulders and getting up off the couch so I can start unwrapping the packages. I can't leave them there forever.

Not hearing any response from Aubrey I turn around to be able to observe her but what I notice is her shocked expression? Yes, I would say shocked and honestly at the moment I do not understand why. What did I sa-? Oh shit.

_We went? we? Did you go to her house?_

Gotcha. Great Chloe, why don't you ever think about what you're saying? She won't leave me alone until she gets the answers she's looking for. Poor me.

_Uh-huh. Yes, I guess. Let's just say I was around and.._

_Were you there? Chloe, you don't even know where Beca lives!_

So, what the hell am I going to tell her now? You're screwed, Beale, you can't compete with General Posen.

_Bree, I just got worried and wanted to make sure she was okay. That's all._

_Since when do you care so much about Beca?_

Huh, since when? Practically all the time. I look at her with an impassive air, from the series: "What the hell kind of stupid question is that?". I don't answer her because I don't want to hear any more sermons about how to go over about it, turn the page and leave it all behind. I did, and I think it was seen since I wear a ring on my finger and in 3 months I'm getting married, but after yesterday, it seems like I was overwhelmed by a tsunami. Everything has returned to the surface. When I went to her house and saw her there, a part of me could not help but notice how, in all this time, she became even more beautiful. One part, because the other part was too busy with the agitation, anxiety and anger of having to discuss with her. It's like being alone, together, although the situation wasn't one of the quietest, it made me realize how much I've missed it. And it is an awareness that I would have preferred not to reach. Because it only makes a wound, that I thought had stopped bleeding, worse.

I turn back to the boxes and start to remove the adhesive tape that keeps them sealed. These are the last packages of the move, nothing else should arrive. Thinking of this, a question arises to me spontaneously, as if a light bulb had turned on in my mind. If I ask her, maybe she will remember. After all, she's the one who helped me pack up everything I had in my apartment in NY.

_Bree, you remember if there were letters in the stuff we wrapped. Or just one, maybe?_

I'm hesitant to talk to Bree, and she can't help but look at me in a suspicious way. She knows I'm hiding something from her, I can feel it from the way she looks at me. I just hope the conversation doesn't go into too much detail.

_What kind of letters? Printed mails or rental notices, things like that?_

_Uh-huh. No, not that kind of letters. Letters written by ... by hand._

_Chloe what the hell are you saying? Be more specific, I'm not following you._

Ah Jesus Christ, why is it so difficult to answer yes or no? She always has to ask for details. It's so nerve-racking at times. I look up at the ceiling and then glue it to the floor, I'm a little ashamed to ask but I need to know. If Beca really wrote me a letter, why don't I have it?

_It's a letter. From Beca._

_…_

This is the second time today that I haven't heard back from her. And it's weird. It's usually hard to leave Aubrey speechless. I notice that her eyes are wide and her mouth slightly open, and above all that she has become pale? I understand that I asked an unusual question, if you may say so, but I didn't say anything so frightening. Why the hell did she react like that?

_Bree? Everything okay?_

_Huh? Yes yes... Excuse me, uh...aah, I just zoned out._

_I see._

_Anyway..hhmm no, I don't remember any letters. I'm sorry, Chlo._

Okay, this is odd behavior. I can count on the fingertips of one hand the times I saw her like this, and one of those times was when she hid from her mother that she had a belly button piercing. I knit my eyebrows and look at it better so that I can understand if there really is something underneath or if it's just my impression. In the meantime, she approached another box to help me fix things, she seemed a little uncertain about what she was saying. Well, maybe I'm seeing things that aren't there. What reason would she have for hiding something from me?

_So, where do I put this_?

I am distracted from my thoughts and I see Bree holding in her hand a vase made of many small pieces of colored glass. It's beautiful, it was the first thing I bought when we went to live in New York. I'm particularly fond of it.

_Here's Bree, on the coffee table in the middle. Thank you._

_Here we go! Hi everyone! What do you think? Maybe Aubrey has something to do with the letter? _

_By the way, I know there aren't many Bechloe moments, but they'll come. Be patient. Let me know what you think if you want. _

_Bye weirdos!_


	9. Chapter 9

**~ Good news, bad talks ~**

Pov Beca

_Yeah, okay. Thursday at 9:00 a.m., at the station. See you soon, Mr. Pitt._

In less than a week I have to be at the police station to be able to depose about Sabrina's case. And almost certainly Chloe will be there too. I really didn't want such a situation right now, when I should just focus on my career and make sure to not disappoint my producers, the label managers, and especially myself. A positive note is that I was able to play my song in the studio, and since their reaction, I could understand that I started on the right foot. They were pleasantly surprised by what I composed, and from that moment on, we didn't stop for a sec in order to arrange it in the best possible way, add the secondary voices and better define the bass and the sound.

_Becs, there's someone we need to introduce you to._

_Uhm-ah sure. Coming._

I go back to the studio following Ester who came to call me, I was out on the small terrace on our floor. I left for a moment to answer to Inspector Pitt, and I didn't want them to hear anything. I have nothing to hide, but I want to avoid mixing my private life with my working life. As long as I can.

_Beca, these hotheads were tormenting me, they couldn't wait to meet you._

I chuckle a bit when I see Joe's exasperated face and notice how the studio suddenly filled up with new faces, which were not there until 3 minutes ago. And now who are these nerds?

_Um uh... I don't want to sound unkind, but what are they doing here, what for?_

_Wow hey, how to hurt your feelings, pt. 1. Maybe we shouldn't have gotten so psyched to meet you if you start treating us like that._

I hear one of the guys giggling and walk towards me, while I look at him with a perplexing gaze not understanding who he is. What's going on?

_I'm Tom, by the way. And the weirdos back here are Ducky - we call him that because of his laughter, you'll understand - then there's Sam, Dustin and the chick down there is Alex. No offense Sam, you're beautiful too._

I don't know what to call my expression right now. I am surprised, yes, but also amused because these guys seem really so odd, the typical losers who are at the last step of the social ladder. Practically my peers. Everybody has been smiling at me since I entered the studio, it's almost annoying. They should stop staring at me.

_Um, nice to meet you. I am B-_

_Beca fucking Mitchell!_

_The Big BM, we know you. We've been following you since you got to LA and started packing the coolest clubs in town._

My eyes widen excessively and I fleer for their antics. That can't be true. I turn to Joe and Ester to see if they're serious, and apparently they are. Both of them are holding back from laughing, it's almost like being in front of a group of excited fans, who meet their idol for the first time. Maybe that's how it really is?

_O-okay. I'm flattered. But, uh... My question always remains the same._

_Becs, the guys here will be with you for the rest of your career with us, and maybe even afterwards. You don't think the songs are played by themselves, do you?_

_You know, Mitchy, I thought you were more perceptive._

Okay, the guy's getting too big. What the hell kind of name is Mitchy?

_Slow down, dude. We haven't gotten that far yet. And especially Mitchy is the ugliest nickname they've ever given me. Save it._

I see Tom raises both hands as a sign of surrender and takes a step back. Maybe I was a little abrupt but I don't know exactly how to behave when I meet new people. I'm a disaster in social relationships, usually Blake takes care of these things for work and well... Before Blake there was... Chloe. She was the extrovert between us, she had no problem having conversations and establishing relationships with people perfectly unknown, met by chance. Most of the time I remained silent and played the part of the grumpy, distant, who doesn't want to make friends with anyone because "I'm such a badass and I don't need anyone", but actually it was just because I didn't know and don't know how to do it. I'm very suspicious, I realize that. It takes me a lifetime to make myself really known and I am quite selective. And I don't hide the fact that meeting new people makes me a little anxious. You know, making bad figures, giving a bad impression. Thinking about, it is exactly what always happens, maybe I should work on it. I should ask Blake to help me, if I were to continue being a bitch to anyone who approaches me at work, I would probably ruin everything before my career even begins.

_What our friend Joe is trying to tell you, is that we're your band, that's why they called us..._

One of the two girls take a few steps towards me, maybe Sam, or is it Alex? Damn, I never pay attention when they show up, it's like my brain just hears Bla Bla and Bla again. And so when they speak to me, I make shitty figures one after the other, because I don't remember names. That's it, Beca, surely a 3-year-old has more memory than you do.

_Oh. Uhmm, great then! So I should be dealing with kids here 24/7, right?_

_Hey! We're not kids!_

_Yes yes, whatever makes you sleep at night... Kid! __Joe? A word?_

I turn to Joe and with one hand I invite him to turn his back on me, so that we can have some "privacy".

_Beca, why are you doing this? Those guys love you and they're the best around!_

_Joe, I don't understand. Why a band? I mean, aren't the three of us enough? You, me and Ester?_

_Becs, no. They'll come with you on tour, they'll work with us to record the albums and they'll be your shadow. We will be there, but you have to get used to the idea of working in a team. We're your team, all of us. And trust me, they're really good at what they do._

I turn my head a little so I can watch the guys talking to Ester, she's surely explaining how things work here. It just feels so strange to have someone to help me, to work with me. I've always seen it for myself, I've always relied on myself and I've never counted on others for fear of being left with my ass on the ground. But maybe it's worth changing now. It's all new to me, but I guess I have to accept the rules of the game and respect them. After all, they don't look so bad, we could become a good group. Maybe I'll learn their names first, yeah, I should start there.

_Okay. Well. . . Then let's see what they can do!_

_Great! Let's go!_

Joe and I turn around and go back to the others so we can start rehearse right away. In all this, the girl with brown hair and clear eyes didn't take her eyes off me even for a moment. And every time I see her, she looks away, playing dumb, blushing slightly. I think it's Alex, if I have not misunderstood. I can't help but snigger because it seems like she's almost trying to flirt with me. Really? She doesn't waste her time, the girl. However, Tom,Tim or whatever the hell his name is, he's not wrong. She's really beautiful. Not very tall, sculpted body, magnetic eyes. All the curves in the right place, in short, she's perfect. Physically at least. She seems to be the shyest in the group, she hasn't said a word yet since she came in. Maybe I could try to break the ice and make her feel comfortable. I mean, they're my band, I have to start getting to know them, right?

_Uh-huh. You're Alex, right?_

I get close to her while the others keep getting settled in the recording booth and tuning the different instruments. She's the pianist, apparently. She turns around almost frightened, she certainly didn't expect me to come from behind.

_Uh? Yeah, yeah. I'm Alex. Nice to meet you._

She turns her hand to me and has an embarrassed smile on her face. She's really cute when she blushes.

_My pleasure!_

Okay Beca. It's time to improve your communication skills. Say something next, because staring at each other is not the right way to start a conversation.

_So you play the piano?_

_Oh, yeah, yeah, since I was a kid, actually. It's always been my passion, my grandfather passed it on to me._

_Really? It's beautiful._

_Yes, he had a music school in my hometown and I spent whole days there. When he passed away, we had to close it down because there were too many expenses. Anyway. Let's say the music literally flows through my veins._

She answers me with a melancholic expression and a hinted smile.

Very good Beca, then you ask yourself why you don't make friends with anyone. When I try, I only mess up. It's clear. I just wanted to have a light talk, not remind her of her family mourning. What the hell?

_Oh, um... I'm sorry, I didn't want to-_

_No, relax. It's been years now. I've been working on it._

_So... Where did you come from? Your accent doesn't seem to be of here._

Well done, change the subject. I just hope I don't keep making disasters. I like this girl.

_Actually, I'm not exactly from "these parts". I'm Italian, but I moved here with my father and my mother a few years ago. Work, you know._

_What? Italian? Wow. It's...great!_

Hold back your enthusiasm Beca. She's Italian, not from the Moon. But I can't hold back the 32-tooth smile that forms on my face, it gets more and more interesting to know her.

_Hey, lovebirds! Stop flirting! There are people who want to work here!_

Damn Tom! I could kick him at any moment. I glance a bad look at him to shut him up, and I hear Alex giggling and approaching to talk to me in a whisper.

_Don't mind him, he's always like that._

_Okay kids! Let's do this._

I hear Joe talking on the loudspeaker outside the booth to warn us that we can get started. I don't know what will come out of it, but I feel it will be great.

¦**After hours**¦

_Hey, Mitch, who's that_?

Dustin comes up and whispers in my ear, obviously blowing me up on the spot because I was focused on reading the score and understanding the sound of the song, and I didn't realize he was behind me.

_Dust, what the hell! You scared me! Who anyway?_

I answer him by looking up for a moment and then I get back to what I was doing, not paying much attention to who had arrived.

_How, who? The blonde girl who is talking to Ester! She is.. Wow._

It's as if my brain has gone into automatic mode and at words "blonde girl" my heart started to speed up the beats as if it wanted to come out of my chest. Of course, it was a matter of moments, because she's not who I expected she to be. It's just Blake, and I can't help but exhale a frustrated sigh. I don't know why I expected to see her, to see Chloe, I don't even think she knows I work here. I look at her for a moment and my attention is drawn to Alex who is writing something on a score. She's a really beautiful girl, and there's something about her that makes me curious to know her. And it doesn't happen with everyone, I'd say with anyone actually. What if it's time to move on?

_Hey hobbit! How's it going? Aren't you going to introduce me to your new friends?_

I see Blake approaching me and placing an arm on my shoulders so she can lean on me. The sad fate of those who are short. I hate it when she does that, and she knows it, in fact, she is smiling at me like a person who knows he doesn't have to do something, but does it anyway. What a bitch.

_You can introduce yourself, I think they've already noticed you anyway. Not that you fall through the cracks._

_You're always so lovable!_

She brings me even closer and holds me to the side and leave a kiss on my head. I could kill her at any moment, she knows how to make me nervous. And certainly my expression is proof of that.

_I wouldn't make that face if I were in your place. I'm Dustin, nice to meet you._

She finally leaves me to introduce herself, and one by one the guys come forward to meet her. Alex is the last one, I don't know why she's been on the sidelines and seems to be bothered by something.

_And you are?_

_This is Alex. She's the band's pianist. She's great._

I answer before she can, I don't know why I blurted and Blake's look at me is halfway between impressed and surprised. She reaches out her hand to Alex, clearly confused by my reaction, who holds her fast and then detaches herself from her grip.

_What about you? Who are you?_

_Oh, I'm this bitch's manager. You'll see me around here a lot. Isn't that right, sweetie?_

I swear, if she continues, I'll rip her head off.

_Cut it, Blake! Don't you have phone calls to make, emails to answer, anything to do with your work?_

I roll my eyes upwards and answer in a annoying way. She woke up with the intention of irritating me this morning.

_Of course, dear. I always do my job, and I'm here to update you. ._

_What about?_

_I talked to John and he just told me that your single, the 'Bulletproof ft Release me' mix, has reached sales of more than 1 million copies and that means..._

_What Blake, what does it mean?_

Meanwhile we've all positioned ourselves around Blake, eager to know what she's talking about. I feel my hands starting to tremble with emotion, I actually have a vague idea of what she's going to tell me but I just can't believe it. Is it really happening to me?

_Well... it's a platinum Beca! You won a platinum!_

I hear everyone scream and whistle with joy, Blake shakes my shoulders and smiles at me like she's never done before. I feel my eyes get watery with happiness and I automatically take my hands to cover my face. It's not possible, it seems like a dream! Joe and Ester come up to congratulate me and hug me one at a time. The guys are making an absurd mess, Tom is playing the cymbals of the drums over and over again, Ducky the guitar always repeating the same notes, while the others jump together and hugging each other, transported from the moment. They're really dork.

I see Blake as moved as I am and I can't help but literally jump on her. She followed me step by step since I got here, and that mix was one of the first I released. I was so uncertain at the time, I didn't think I'd ever get this far, but she was sure. She always believed in me, even when I wasn't the first to do it. My God, a platinum. What are we talking about?

_I told you, little bitch. I'm proud of you!_

_Thank you, thank you, Blake!_

I answer her with my voice broken by emotion and we squeeze so tightly in a hug that I think it will suffice for a lifetime as a demonstration of affection. If I have come to this point it is also thanks to her, so it seems to me the least.

Joe claps his hands to keep our attention and shut us up for a moment so he can talk.

_Okay, guys, I think that's enough for today. I'll see you all tomorrow morning so I can start working on something else. Good job everyone, and again congratulations Beca. You're great!_

The first to leave are Sam and Dustin, followed by everyone else. Blake also leaves, reminding me to call her later to arrange something to celebrate the news. I didn't realize that in the studio it was just me and Alex, who seems busy putting something in her bag and then leaving. In the meantime I've put the recording booth back in order a little bit, it seems that a tornado passed a few minutes ago. And now I'm saving on my hard disk what we recorded today so I can listen to it again calmly and see if there's anything to improve.

_Well, then I'm going, I think I've got it all._

I lift my eyes from the monitor and turn to Alex who is on the doorframe of the cabin. It feels like she's in awe, which I didn't want to happen. Did I do something wrong?

_Uhm ah... Okay. As soon as I'm done here I'm going too._

_Yeah... Okay. So I'll see you then._

I have a feeling she was expecting something from me. Maybe I could ask her to stay, after all I don't have much more to do. It's two minutes long. She turned around to leave but I can stop her in time.

_Al-Alex? Um... Do you want to stay? I'm almost done, maybe later... Mm... I could offer you an ice cream, just to celebrate._

It's as if her face had lit up. She gives me one of those smiles that you can't help but smile when you see them. A dimple forms in the right corner of her mouth as she smiles, I think it's adorable.

_Well... Okay, that sounds like a plan._

_Awesome. Let's go._

I turn off all the lights in the studio and we head for the exit. There was an embarrassing silence between us, well, I'm not very warm as a person, she's rather shy apparently, together we're not really the best of the company. I don't remember it was so difficult to know someone, in recent times I have not made much effort to improve my social life. Let's say that the only relationships I have had have been with alcohol and casual sex. Not that anything has changed now, but this girl seems cool and why not try to know her? No?

I hear Alex clearing her voice, maybe it's not exactly how she expected this... date? Is it a date? What the hell are you saying, Beca, you just met. Don't be stupid.

_So.. You and that Blake, you look more like... Intimate._

Woah. What is she talking about? It's like she's trying to investigate something, isn't it? She has her eyes glued to the sidewalk as we walk side by side, and I can't help giggling because she seems almost intimidated. I have to admit one thing, she doesn't talk much, but when she talks she seems like one of those people who doesn't dance around topics. Another point to hers advantage.

_Yes, we are rather 'intimate', but only because for more than two years now, I spend most of my days with her._

_So you two? Don't you-?_

_No, Al, we're not together._

I answer her with a short laugh, turning my head slightly to be able to look at her. Obviously it's strange that the first thing she asked me was if I were with Blake, maybe it's just an indirect way of knowing if you were busy with someone, right? Nice move. I can't deny that I feel particularly comfortable when I'm next to her, which is hard for me to prove, especially with someone I've just met. Who knows?

We almost got to the park and in the meantime we've done nothing but talk about everything and anything, the record company, the albums to release, work in short. Not that I'm sorry, they're the only things in common we can discuss at the moment, so it seems to me a good starting point.

It's a matter of seconds and I see Alex stumbling on a protruding tile coming out of the sidewalk. Damn it.

_Wow hey, are you okay?_

I'm supporting her by the arm, fortunately she didn't fall from her face to the ground. I don't think I would have been able to stop laughing in that situation. Now I'm holding back, especially because she started cursing in Italian, I guess, and the scene is pretty hilarious.

_Porca miseria, che cazzo.. Ehm... Yes, yes, everything is fine. Thank you!_

After a few moments she raises her eyes and surely realizes that I'm about to burst to laugh at her face. She looks at me with an impassive expression, as if she wanted to make me feel guilty of my reaction, but eventually she is the first to break the silence that was created, laughing openly.

We finally arrived safe and sound (in her case) at the ice cream stand in the park, which compared to the usual, is not very crowded. There are only a few children to play ball, guys to study, it's all very quiet. Strange, but pleasant.

We queued up to order ice cream but in the distance I hear the typical noise of when the pictures are taken. I look around and notice that behind a bench, not far from where we are, there is a boy with a cap on his head and the camera in his hands. Alex seems to have noticed my distraction and turns around following my gaze to see what was going on.

_Well, I think you need to start getting used to things like that. That's clearly a paparazzo._

_I know, but it's still annoying. I haven't done anything yet and they're already starting to follow me._

_I mean! Nothing at all, no. You just won a platinum record, I'd say you're pretty well known. In fact, I'm surprised that you're not already in the media bubble._

_Let's say there's a lot of competition and more people, more famous than me, to talk about._

I answer by winking at her and turning towards the kiosk. Fortunately, it's our turn and once we've got the ice cream, we move away from that area to prevent the paparazzo from taking more pictures of us. Yes, I know that I am known, I know that I should expect certain things, but I think that I will never get used to paparazzi.

_To your platinum. Let it be the first of a long series._

Alex protrudes with her ice cream cup towards me as if to make a toast. It's really funny, but it's nice, and I get a little laughter from her ways of doing it. I feel really good with her.

I draw my ice cream up to hers and we make them clash slightly avoiding getting dirty. It wouldn't be the best thing to go around with a chocolate ice cream stain on my clothes.

_Cheers!_

**¦Thursday morning¦**

Saying I didn't sleep a bit last night is an euphemism. The anxiety of having to go to the police station and testify about the case of Sabrina is literally eating my stomach. I don't even want to drink coffee, and that's really serious. The inspector didn't tell me anything about Chloe and I didn't think I should ask her, since what happened a few days ago. I didn't get in touch with her anymore, I didn't look for her, nor did she, even though I can't hide the fact that I waited for her to call, not because I wanted her to apologize to me, but because I hoped she would realize the things she said to me and the absurdity of what she thought. I thought she knew me better, but maybe she didn't. I just hope they didn't call her too, it would make everything much more complicated.

Maybe I'll call an Uber or a taxi to reach the central, after the news of the platinum, the eyes of the media are all diverging their attention on me, and the last thing I want is to burst a useless scandal. It's disturbing how they managed to trace, in a very short time, where I live, my car, my habits, they also invented a hypothetical story about what I prefer to eat and not, just because I was spotted near an Italian restaurant one of these nights. They almost frighten me, they manage to build castles in the air from nowhere. That's why I prefer not to take my car so that I can move today, or at least this morning. I want to try to stay as anonymous as possible.

I wash quickly and get dressed as easily as I can. Black tight jeans, black t-shirt and black blazer. Okay no, better than no, I look like a crow. So I definitely don't go unnoticed. Better to take off the blazer, I'll bring my jeans jacket together if I feel cold. I put on my combat boots and go in search of a hat to wear that covers my face a bit. Who would have thought that I would have to worry about covering my face so that I wouldn't be recognized, when I thought I was going to live my life like a _scrappy little nobody_? It's weird. Unfortunately, the only hat I have is a typical baseball player's visor cap. I'll have to settle for that. After having applied a light veil of make up, just to avoid pointing out the deep dark circles deriving from a sleepless night, I head towards the living room to be able to watch something on TV in the meantime that the taxi arrives. I'll have to wait a while, so rather than be silent and stare into the void and get bogged down even more, I try to concentrate on something else. The question is that at this hour there are only cartoons, which I have never seen. Well, they wouldn't let us, they sons of bitches. Involuntarily, I clench my fists on my knees at the thought of what I went through when I was just a little girl. I wouldn't wish anyone my childhood, if that's what you can call it. The only good thing about that time was Sabrina, and I can't even describe the pain I felt when she passed away.

The sound of the horn distracts me from my thoughts and I realize that surely the taxi has arrived to pick me up. I get closer to the window of the living room to check if it was really outside and immediately after I recover the bag and the sunglasses from the furniture at the entrance and I leave the house. On the street there are children hand in hand with their parents, and the backpack on their shoulders, who are certainly going to school. Skateboarding kids, some with headphones in their ears to isolate themselves from everything around them, let's say that at this time the neighborhood is quite live. I get in the taxi and tell the driver the address where to take me. I just hope he doesn't recognize me.

After about 30 minutes I finally arrived at the police station, I'm a little late but I don't care. I don't think they are waiting for me to start their working day. I settle my head cap and sunglasses better and I get out of the taxi, not before I have paid and left the tip to the taxi driver. Okay Beca, breathe. You have nothing to worry about. Surely it won't be anything, 20 minutes and you're out.

I climb the few steps that lead to the entrance of the station and as soon as I put my foot inside I see how all the employees, officers or whatever the hell they are called, go from one side to the other so quickly that I fear sooner or later they may fall. I'm heading towards what looks like a sort of information office, I don't know if it's really like that or not.

_Uh... Excuse me. I'm looking for Inspector Pitt._

The girl behind the desk lifts her eyes from the sheets in her hand and turns a puzzling glance at me. What is it? What did I say?

_You are?_

_Rebeca Mitchell._

It's strange to present me with my full name, but I'm sure they'll have tabs on me with Rebeca written on it, and not Beca. The girl seems to be checking something on her computer and she doesn't pay me the slightest attention, while I start to tap my foot on the ground for the anxiety that is coming back to be heard. Damn it.

_Oh yeah, Miss Mitchell. I have to ask you kindly to take off your hat and glasses, like this you aren't recognizable._

That's why she looked at me strangely. What an idiot.

_Ah yes excuse me. Of course._

_Please follow me, this way._

She gives me a smile of courtesy and we head towards a long corridor that probably leads to the inspector's office. At least I think so. I feel my legs like jelly, come on Beca, you have nothing to hide. We reach a room and the officer steps aside to let me in.

_There you can wait here, Inspector Pitt will be here any minute. Miss Be-._

_Chloe!_

As soon as I enter what looks like a waiting room, I see Chloe's blonde head turning towards us. And I was hoping there wasn't. Why does God never listen to me?

_Beca.._

It seems like she didn't expect to find me there and follows me with her gaze until I sit somewhere away from her. What should I tell her? I don't think I've been in a more uncomfortable and absurd situation in my whole life. I can't even look her in the face, the anxiety I felt 2 minutes ago, now is afoul with the nervousness given by her presence here. I would have much preferred to be alone, at this point I just have to hope not to be questioned with her. I just hope she's reread the letter I wrote to her, at least that way she'll remember who Sabrina is and she won't start shooting bullshit like the one she told me a few days ago. In all this, she continues to alternate her eyes between me and the floor and I don't think there is anything more nerve-wracking than being fixed in a situation already quite anxious. I feel some steps approaching us and I look towards the door to be able to see who it is.

_Hello Ladies. Sorry to keep you waiting. I am Inspector Pitt._

In sync, Chloe and I immediately get up and shake hands with the detective to greet him. Then we enter the room next to the one where we were not even 1 minute ago, and we sit down to the chairs behind the desk, in front of the inspector.

_Here we are, then. You ladies seem pretty nervous, you want a glass of water?_

He's gazing between me and Chloe with a worried air.

Involuntarily I turn my head to be able to look at Chloe, who did the same thing, turning towards me. I can't help noticing how pale she is and how she's about to wear out the pants she's wearing in a fury of rubbing the palms of her hands against them. She's really in total panic. However, I try to stay calm as much as possible, I only move my leg to be able to relieve the tension.

_Mr. Pitt, maybe a glass of water for Miss Beale wouldn't be a bad idea._

_Definitely. You don't want anything, Miss Mitchell?_

_No, thanks, I'm fine._

I see the inspector getting up and leaving the office to go and get some water. As soon as he leaves, it's as if my body has decided to act alone and I reach out a hand to Chloe's in an attempt to stop them. I realize only after what I did but despite this, I decide to stay in the same position, she can not continue to get agitated in this way. She has her eyes glued to her legs and does not look at me, while I try to cross her eyes, in vain.

_Calm down, Chlo, it's 5 minutes long. Soon you'll be out._

Involuntarily I rub my thumb on the palm of her hand to calm her down and she seems to have noticed because she immediately raises her eyes to be able to meet mine. Those eyes, my God. They are indescribable. She nods slightly and squeezes my hand slightly, but immediately after I retract my hand because I hear the inspector come back to us, this time with a bottle of water in his hand.

I give her one last look before I can focus my attention on the man in front of us.

_So ladies. I've summoned you so I could have a little chat with you about the Sabrina Brown's murder case. It was reopened, because it turned out that there were tampering with evidence and testimonies in the first investigation, and so now we have to do everything again._

Chloe and I are in religious silence, we don't even move. We seem almost paralyzed.

_I'll ask you simple questions, don't worry, it's nothing serious. Think of it more as a simple chat rather than a deposition. I'm going to turn on the recorder soon, so that I can record everything you say. You're ready, can we get started? Do you have any questions?_

I didn't expect such a kind and helpful inspector, he helps a lot in decreasing the level of anxiety with his behavior.

_Detective... Uh-hm...excuse me but...won't you question us separately?_

Strange that Chloe asked such a question. I wanted to ask him first, but as soon as she got us both seated in his office, I had already given up on the idea of having to deal with it with her. On the other hand, I should be the one in awe who has to answer any questions I may have with her and not the other way around. But okay, now we're there, the sooner we start, the sooner I leave.

_No Miss Beale, unfortunately I'm the only one who came from NY for this case, and I'm going to have to leave soon, so for this reason I chose this mode. I think it's even better, right? It gives less of an impression of an interrogation, I guess._

I see Inspector Pitt smiling at us slightly as he places some papers on his desk and opens some files that he had brought with him, before, as soon as he arrived. He looks at us and nods to make us understand if we were ready, we answer in the affirmative, while I raise my hand slightly to make a sign of proceeding with the "chat".

_Okay, so. Miss Beale, you knew Sabrina Brown, had you ever heard of her?_

_No, never. I don't know who she really is and I still don't understand what I'm doing here._

_You're right. I'll explain right away. From the documents we recovered, the lease for your apartment was co-owned by her and Miss Mitchell. I convened you today just to have as much information as possible and to understand how many people had the opportunity to interact with the victim._

Chloe nods faintly and turns her gaze to me briefly and then returns to focus on the inspector. I don't like this situation and especially I don't know how far he can go with the questions.

_So Miss Mitchell never told you about Sabrina Brown?_

_No, sir._

_Have you ever noticed Miss Mitchell's strange, equivocal or suspicious behavior?_

Well, that's good. That's great. The $1 million question. How to revive the past pt. 1. I feel Chloe's look burn on me while I try to distract myself by playing with the rings I wear. God, I hope it ends soon.

_Yes, at the time, it was a little more distant-maybe? -than usual._

_Okay, have you ever explained this behavior?_

Okay, what is this? An interrogation or psychological counseling from a couple therapist?

_Mr. Pitt excuse me, but I don't know how useful this can be for the purposes of the investigation._

_Miss Mitchell, you will have a chance to speak when I question you. Let me do my job._

_Kay, sorry._

I look down and whisper so just me can hear what I've said. What the hell kind of questions are they?

_Miss Beale, so according to you, you did not know that Miss Mitchell, at that time was in contact with Sabrina Brown, for several months?_

_No... she never told me._

_Does the name Tracy mean anything to you?_

Shit. I lift my eyes immediately so I can see Chloe's reaction. Her eyes are slightly wide open and astonished. She turns towards me and I can't help but notice the expression on her face: incredulous. I can't help but stare at her and I can already feel her breathing getting faster and faster. I didn't want it to come to this, I didn't want us to relive everything that happened, again. I would have preferred it to stay in the past and not be brought back to the surface. Damn it. I don't understand what the fuck this is all about. Why is he asking her these questions? Where does he want to go?

After a few moments she answers him slowly and quietly. She didn't take her eyes off me for a moment, and I can't help but think about what's going on in her head at the moment. If until a few minutes ago she seemed intimidated, now she seems shocked and somehow angry? I don't know.

_Yeah... Yeah, it reminds me of something._

God help me.


	10. Chapter 10

**~ Back to the past ~**

Pov Beca

¦Flashback, Astoria - Oregon 1999¦

_Wake up rotten dwarf! You've got to clean up that dump of toilets!_

I feel my shoulder shaking so violently that if it continues I'd risk falling out of bed. I just want to sleep, why don't they ever leave me alone?

_Look at her, she still sleeps with her thumb in her mouth! Suck it, Mitchell! Get up now or we'll worry about making your day a living hell._

Every day is like that. Abigail, and the other ducks around her, reserve this special alarm clock for me. They are the oldest, they are already 14 years old. While I, well, I'm just a 10 year old gutter, forced to stay in the institute for as long as I know. Sometimes I try to assert myself, to have a bit of courage to face them, but every time it happens that, I find myself with shoes scattered throughout the garden, or socks full of toothpaste, or those few clothes that I have, covered with soil and mud. I have often tried to talk about it with those in charge, with Mr. Marshall and Miss Trainor, but they never believed me, or they always thought that were jokes made in good faith. But those harpies have nothing good about them, I've never been able to understand why they're bullying me, or whoever is my friend. No one talks to me anymore, Stella was my friend, but she hasn't spoken to me in a while. They started to spite her too, and from then on, we didn't do any more recreational activities together. For children of my age there are no jobs to do, we are "babies" for that. The institute provides for us moments of play, physical activity and of course, gives us compulsory schooling. For the older children instead, are established activities that have as their aim to contribute to the maintenance of the institute, so cleaning activities, order, some also help in the kitchen. These programs should increase the sense of responsibility in the older ones, which unfortunately does not happen to all. And a clear example is this sect of bitches who don't leave me alone. I know I shouldn't say bad things since I'm 10, but being in here is inevitable.

Today it seem I have to clean the bathrooms, which they should actually take care of, but they force me to do so. Once I tried to oppose it, and there's no point in explaining how it ended. They locked me in the crapper for hours until two older girls came to get me out because had heard my crying hiccups. I can't help but live by the day and expect everything from them now. I always hope that a lightning bolt can strike in full, or that a roof tile can fall on everyone's head. It would be a dream, and also a miracle, as far as I'm concerned.

I glower at them and get out of bed slipping my feet into the shoes. In all this, they keep looking at me and smiling wickedly, while I walk to the chest of drawers near the window and pull out my clothes. I just hope they leave, I don't want to get change in front of them.

I feel someone approaching my shoulders and bending down to reach my height.

_We want you at the toilets in 5 minutes. If you don't show up, you know what happens._

Damn Abigail. I answer her with a faint voice nodding slightly, I also doubt that she heard me.

_Okay..._

Everyone leaves the room and I exhale a heavy sigh that I didn't think I'd held back. I can't wait to grow up and get out of here. I pull out of the drawer a piece of paper on which every morning, I put a sign indicating a new day spent in this hell. It is since I learned to write that I do, in the hope that one morning, waking up, I do not find myself in this shitty place, surrounded by white walls and bunk beds, but in a room of my own, with drawings hanging on the walls and colored curtains to cover the window. It may seem stupid, but I would love to savour the normality of the world out there, even for a single moment. Understand what it means to have parents who take care of you, go to school with the yellow bus and have friends to go home with, so you can spend the afternoon playing. It sounds very cliché but it's the truth. Those few films that we have seen during our recreational hours have only worsened our survival in this place. Happy children, perfect families, it almost seems like the ideal world out there. So much to underline how the world in here sucks. Unfair.

I take a pair of sweatpants and a tshirt much bigger than me, at least two more sizes. I look even smaller, but I don't have anything better to wear, so I have to make these fit.

_You know, you look even tinier than a cork stopper dressed like that._

I turn annoyed towards the door to see who it is, hoping it's not some other pain in the ass who woke up this morning with the intention of bothering me. She is a girl, definitely older than me, definitely taller than me and with a smile printed on her lips. Why the hell is she smiling at me? Since when do people smile at me?

I frown my forehead and try to remember who is among all the guys that are here, but I can't think of anything. Maybe it's a new one.

_Um... Thank you? Although I'm not sure it's a compliment._

I answer reluctantly, turning back to the chest of drawers to put the pajamas in place and be able to close it.

_Maybe, but I'm pretty sure it's one of the nicest things they've ever said to you in here._

_Let's say it's part of top 2. And at first place is the undefeated lack of talking to anyone in here, which from my point of view is paradise._

I turn my head to the side and throw a sarcastic smile to her that disappears immediately from my face, and then I head to the bed to be able to fix the blankets and put my bedside table in order. I notice how the weird girl places her things on an empty bed near the door, a few meters away from mine.

_So you're new?_

_Yes, I arrived just now. They dropped me here, you know, foster families aren't exactly what they are said to be._

So she's an outcast too. Well, at least she's been entrusted to someone, I've never been farm out to anyone, let's say they get away with it. I don't know, maybe it's because I'm tiny and very thin and probably think I have some disease, (nobody wants to take children with problems, everyone who comes looking for perfect children, as if we were toys) and nobody ever asks to meet me. I've come to terms with that now.

When there are days to familiarize future adoptive parents with us kids, I do not participate anymore. It's one of my favorite moments actually, because everyone is very busy giving a good impression of the institute and what we do here, and I have the opportunity to sneak out into the garden and climb up my tree to be able to stay at peace without being disturbed. It's great to be up there, this place, seen from that perspective, is a little less disgusting than usual. And above all, I can see the ocean. It will be the first thing I'll want to see up close once I get out of here, maybe take a swim. I should first learn to swimming though. Damn it. Because of how short I am I could risk drowning even in a puddle.

I hear the new girl's voice lighten up, maybe to get my attention. I didn't realize that I stopped at the edge of the bed to stare at the void. I quickly shake my head and turn towards her who looks at me with an amused expression? What's so funny?

_Is my face dirty?_

_Huh? No, why?_

_Because you've been smiling ever since you're here and usually when someone does that or is for that reason or is for craziness. From your answer, I'd say the second one._

I see how her smile widens even more as he approaches me, okay she's totally out of her mind. What does she want?

_You know, for being so young you always have the answer ready. I'm Sabrina, by the way._

She holds out her hand to me in order to introduce herself, which I find quite strange because, really, no one has ever did that here. Not to me, at least.

I raise an eyebrow switching the look between her hand still there, stops to wait for a squeeze, and her face. She seems to be holding back a laugh, am I a clown by chance? Do I really make her laugh so much?

_I'm Beca._

I answer her seriously, not by shaking her hand and staring at her in the eyes. She seems to have understood that I will not return her gesture now or ever, and she drops her hand along her side, releasing a slight laugh. After casting a last puzzling glance at her, I turn my eyes upwards in a annoying way and immediately after, I pass by to reach the door and walk towards the bathrooms, I have already wasted enough time.

_You know, you don't have to go there._

My steps get stuck on the door and I slowly turn my head towards the direction the voice comes from.

_You don't have to go if you don't want to._

_What?_

The last thing I wanted was to be pitied by the latest newbie. I don't need anyone's pity, I just want to be left alone. I glare at her and I think she noticed it because the expression that triumphed over her face up to 2 seconds ago has now disappeared.

_The bathrooms. I heard those girls before, that they forced you to go there. You don't have to if you don't want to._

An incredulous smile shows on my face, but disappears immediately as she continues to blather about what you want to do and what you don't. She seems as stupid as she is tall, you can see she's new around here.

_Here it is not a question of wanting to do something or not. It's about not having any trouble, or at least no more than you already have. That's how it works here. You better get used to it. Welcome to Wonderland._

I shake my head in a defeated way and turn again to be able to go to the toilets. There's nothing more obvious than saying to someone 'if you don't want to, you don't have to'. It's easy to talk when you're not living the situation. As if I'd like to be treated like this every day by Abigail, but I don't have much choice. Either hell, or much more than hell. I prefer the first one at this point.

I'm almost at the toilets and I can already hear the noise of the unpleasant duck that are waiting for me. I take a deep breath with my eyes closed and put my hand on the door to enter, when I feel a grip at the level of my left wrist. I look down and notice that it is someone who is stopping me, so I follow with my eyes the arm and I find the girl before, behind me, who looks much more serious than a few minutes ago. This chick is quite annoying. Doesn't she understand that she has to leave me alone?

_Are you serious?!_

_I'm dead serious. If you really want to get in here, we'll do it together._

Wait, what? What is it, my babysitter? Why is she so interested in me? We've known each other for less than 10 minutes and she's behaving like that? I could be allergic to all these... strange things.

_It's not necessary. Thank you._

I try to get rid of her grip but I can't. After all, she's much bigger and stronger than me, I'm sure she's not even using force to hold me back. Damn it.

_I know it's not necessary, "badass-kid". But, you know, I really need to kick those little bitchy bullets asses that have already busted my balls, and I'm only here 15 minutes._

She frees my wrist and cleverly smiles at me with a wink. I lift my eyes up and let a hint of a smile slip by, it's a real tick this girl. She won't lay off for a moment, but I have the feeling that this time it's in the good sense.

_You're clingy, you know that?_

_And you're stubborn, you know that?_

We stare for endless moments squinting at each other to get a more threatening air, but surely I'm failing in my intent. I can swear that she might burst into laughing at me from one second to the next. How boring to be ridiculous like garden dwarves.

_Come on kid, the geese are waiting for us._

She gives me light pats on the shoulder inviting me to walk, finally releasing the laughter she was holding back. Jerk.

_Don't call me kid! I have a name and it's Beca._

_Blah blah blah…_

¦End of Flashback¦ 

_Did you know that Tracy was the fake name for Sabrina Brown?_

I look down and glued my eyes on my hands as Chloe slowly turns her head to be able to pay attention to the inspector again.

_No detective, I didn't know._

_So can you explain to me why this name reminds you of anything?_

I hate interrogations. I hate this situation and I hate even more that Chloe is here, involved. It doesn't make sense, if they want to know something it's me they have to talk to, not her. What does all this mean?

_Uh... Ah, it tells me something because... Well... At the time I remember that Beca had among the first chats a contact with this name... And, let's just say that I was impressed._

I raise my eyes for a moment to meet hers own, and I can not help but notice the pain that still hides behind those irises. It's a contact that only lasts a few seconds, but it's enough to be able to feel my heart crack a little more. I never wanted to hurt her, make her suffer and now have proof, that that wound is still there, and that probably now it is bleeding again with all this situation. Life never makes things go as we predict them, you make plans, you think that everything can be fine, that there is nothing that can not be overcome, and then everything goes to hell. When a person breaks down, it's hard to recompose. And Chloe and I broke each other. In these years I have done nothing but think about what she is going through, what she is doing, who she has become. I always hoped that she would be fine, and that one day we would find ourselves by chance and we could start again. But since we saw each other, things have only gotten worse and I surrendered to the idea of letting go of my vain hopes and focusing on what I have now. But how do I do that if I have next to me the girl who owns my heart?

_All right Miss Beale, more or less from how long ago did you realize that Miss Mitchell had that contact saved on your phone?_

_I'm sorry, but I wasn't used to checking Beca's phone. It just happened a few times in passing._

She's responding in a cramped way. I do not know why, perhaps it bothers her to remember that period, that he asked such questions. It bothers me, I can't imagine her. What the hell kind of questions are they in the end? What does he care how long he knew I had Sabrina saved on my phone like Tracy? This detective is all too twisted.

_Okay, Miss Beale. I don't have any other questions for you. Thank you._

_You're welcome._

I hear Chloe whispering to herself as she turns a forced smile on Mr. Pitt. Now it's my turn, I think I'm going to puke soon. I'm going to look like Aubrey at the ICCA final the year before I got to Barden University. Breathe Beca, be sincere and forthright, and you don't have to fear anything. You didn't do anything in the end. A firm voice and a fixed gaze. Seh, easy to tell when you're about to be grilling and everything recorded could be used against me. Always with the intention of calming anxiety, good Beca. Keep it up.

_Let's move on to her, Miss Mitchell. Beca, can I call you Beca?_

_Whatever._

Why is he calling me by my name when he didn't call Chloe by her name? Mitchell is a beautiful surname, which are these discriminations?

_So Beca, how did you and Sabrina Brown meet?_

More obvious question I could only expect. But I can't hide the inconvenience of the situation, I must necessarily tell everything in front of Chloe, and she doesn't know everything exactly. She knows that I don't have a family, that I've always grown up on my own but I've never really gone there. That's not something I like to talk about. I just wish I could downgrade those years. I take a deep breath and look straight ahead, staring at the inspector.

_We grew up together in the orphaned and abandoned children's home in Astoria, Oregon._

I realize that Chloe has turned her head to focus her attention on me. I feel her look burning on me but I can't turn to look at her, I don't want to see the compassion in her eyes or the pity for me. I've never endured it from anyone.

_Mmh well, did you feel comfortable there? Was it a nice place to grow up?_

_Are you kidding me? Do you think an orphanage is a nice place? Besides, I don't understand what this question has to do with the investigation._

Maybe I was rather rude in answering that question, but it is already difficult to be in this damn situation, plus these questions about my past, I just can not tolerate them. I try to sit better and cross my legs so that I can move my foot freely without hearing the sound of the shoe against the chair. In all this, Chloe hasn't taken her eyes off me for a moment and is starting to get on my nerves. I understand the surprise but I won't be the first and I won't be the last to have lived in an institute. It's not so sensational anymore.

_Excuse me, I was just trying to lighten the air. I didn't want to be inappropriate._

_Ask me what you want to know about Sabrina, so we can leave as soon as possible._

I want to get out of here. It's as if there's something slowly closing my throat and my hands are shaking. I just hope they don't notice, or at least the inspector doesn't notice. I don't want him to get suspicious of my behavior and think that I'm hiding something, when in fact I'm just feeling a lot of pressure, and he has yet to start with the real questions. That's great.

_Beca, when you left the institute, did you continue to keep in touch or have you lost track of each other?_

_She is.. Uh, she was, uhm, older than me. So she left the institute earlier. Despite this, when I was still there and she was out, she came to visit me every day. It was the closest thing I had to a family at the time, and we were very bound. By the time I reached the age to get out of that hell, however, she had already left Astoria. She didn't tell me where, how, or why. Since then I didn't know anything about her, I didn't even know how to find her. She had literally disappeared._

That day was one of the worst. And in my more or less short life I had several. But that remained with me. I was alone again, I had no one left. I was 16, a pair of jeans ripped from my knees, a sweatshirt and $100. I didn't know where to start, I had to find a place to stay, I had to look for a job and above all I wanted to continue studying. I had always imagined that moment, the moment when I would leave the institute, as one of the happiest of my life. Instead, it turned out to be just one of the most disgusting. In my fantasy there was someone waiting for me outside the gate, and that someone I always believed would be Sabrina. She had become a sister to me, I could never have thought far in my years spent in that hell, to find someone who would stay close to me and worry about me. And she did it from the moment she first stepped foot in that place. I remember she left me a note on the tree I used to climb; usually when we were supposed to meet, she was there. One afternoon, a few days before I finally left the institute, I went to the garden and not seeing her waiting for me there, I decided to climb on the tree to be able to waste time until she arrived. But she never does, and on the trunk I found a piece of paper attached with a pin, to prevent it from falling. No one would have been able to see it from the ground, so probably if I hadn't climbed up the tree that day, I would never have been able to read it and I would never have known it existed.

It was the note on which I was marking my days there and she had added the last ones missing with a pen of a different color, writing to me "_It's over, no more marks. I'm sure you'll do great things in your life, little sis. I wanted to say goodbye in person, but I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to leave afterwards. I love you, S._" Yes, I still remember her words. I wept, and I cried a lot. I had been abandoned, again, and from that moment on I promised myself to count only on my strengths, not to allow anyone to enter my life, to get along alone. Well, that was until I got to Barden and my eyes met the ocean. The one I had been in love with since I was a child, enclosed in two shining wells, belonging to the girl sitting here next to me, now. However, it is quite evident how things have ended, and even today I wonder if I'm really the problem. If there was something wrong with me, if I was the reason why everyone was leaving me.

_Beca, how did she find you again after years in New York? That's where you met again, right?_

_Yes Mr. Pitt. She found me, so far I still don't know how she actually does. I hadn't seen or heard from her in over 10 years._

I never explained how she tracked me down. When I asked her about it, she would always say, "The family always finds itself", and there was no more irritating phrase she could say to me. At first I couldn't believe that she was really in front of me, as far as I knew at the time, she could be dead. That day seemed like having seen a ghost, in the flesh, but still a ghost. 

|Flashback, Brooklyn - NY 2017¦

_Hey, be careful!_

_Oh man, excuse me!_

Involuntarily, coming out of the subway, I bumped into a gentleman who was trying to get on the wagon. I was overthinking and I didn't really notice, plus Amy just sent me a message to warn me that I had to buy her stock of cheetos, and I was intent on reading the text. I don't understand why it's always up to me to go shopping, especially after a day's work. She might well take care of it, but it's useless to tell her, she's lazy, almost lazier than me.

**Me 7.30 pm**

_Why me all the time?_

**Fat Amy 7.31 pm**

_Well, between contacts, Beca's B comes before Chloe's C. It's the alphabet, Shortie. You should know that._

It's always the same. How is it possible that I never know how to counter her answers? With my head down, I put the phone away by puffing and inserting it in the back pocket of my trousers, taking care not to pull the wire of the earphones too much. Meanwhile, trying to avoid people as much as possible, not paying attention to actually looking ahead, I almost reached the stairs to be able to get out of the subway station. I raise my eyes from the ground to avoid going to bang with my snout on the ground, but at the exact moment I lift my eyes, I lock myself. I petrify. It's as if my feet had cemented on the ground and my hand had stopped in mid-air still intent on adjusting a headset in my ear. It seems as if time has stopped, as in those films when everything around freezes, it immobilizes. That's how I feel now. And she's there in front of me, smiling at me. As always, like the first time. What the hell is going on?

_Hey Kid!_

I don't think I know how to talk right now. My throat is dry and my salivation is zero. Am I hallucinating? Is that her? It's like someone threw a bucket of ice water at my head. She left without leaving me the chance to look for her, to call her, just a fucking note. She's the person who hurt me the most, leaving me alone, and I've never been able to say it to her face. She never gave me the opportunity. And now I just want her to disappear from my sight, my eyes to be wrong and it wasn't her. I can't believe it.

It is as if all of a sudden all the anger, the disappointment, the sadness felt more than 10 years ago, has come back to the surface, and I'm feeling it again exactly as it was then, in this moment. She was the person I cared about most in my childhood, if not the only one, and she abandoned me. She was my fucking family and she left me alone when I needed her most. I don't realize that my eyes have become increasingly shiny and a tear has escaped me from my eyelids, against my will, but despite this I can not shift my gaze from the figure in front of me. Damn it. It's her.

She hasn't changed a bit, well, physically, she has changed, it is more "adult". If that's what you mean. But the expression is always the same, the look clever, the smile mocking and those wrinkles that form under her eyes when she laughs. Some things never change. But I can't help but notice how tired she look? -Maybe. As if she had been neglected herself, her black hair, once long and curly, is now short and wavy, her face dug out, her dark circles deep, looking at her better, she doesn't seem to be doing well.

I sweep away the lonely tear that fell on my cheek a few seconds ago, with the palm of my hand, and I lift my eyes for a moment to be able to bring back the tears. It's not exactly the reaction I would have imagined I would have had, but it's hard to control myself in such a sudden situation. In the meantime, Sabrina has come a few steps closer and is now practically less than a metre from me.

_S.._

My voice comes out almost like a whisper, serious and trembling. Only now can I see how she too has watery eyes and is keeping herself from crying. Only now do I realize how much I have actually missed her in all these years, how much I would have liked to have someone to talk to, in the evening and tell about my day, someone to call every time I was sick to have oranges brought to me for cold juices. I don't regret anything about how I managed on my own, how I grew up and how I got to this point in my life, relying exclusively on my strength. Fortunately over the years I have found a second family, I have found people who genuinely love me, who do not judge me and to whom I am deeply attached. But now, with her in front of my eyes, I can only think of all the emptiness I felt because of her absence, because there has never been greater fortune for me, than that of having someone to take care of me. And she did, from the first day she entered the institute. And only now can I feel the lack I have felt in all these years, because before I was too busy moving forward and building a life, not wanting to focus on what I had passed.

She represents now, everything I haven't had before. And it's terrible.

I feel my heart beating so fast that it could explode at any moment. I am agitated, nervous, angry, but no matter how hard I try, I can't hide the emotion of having seen her again, of having found her again. I thought I would never experience this moment, that I would never meet her again.

Without thinking about it yet, as if we had the same idea, we throw ourselves into each other's arms, holding each other so tightly that we will probably have some bruised rib. It's the kind of hug you give a few times in life, to a few people. To the really important ones. It's as if you want to leave a small part of yourself inside the other person, to fill a space that you know is reserved for you. Like the hugs mothers give their sons when they leave, or when they return. This are hugs that probably break bones, but that are good for the heart.

No need for words in these moments, the bodies already speak for themselves. We have always been both very strong, we have rarely cried in front of each other, and now for the first time I feel her hiccups silent, almost restrained, perhaps not to be too weak, shake her chest, banging against mine. I try to bring down as much as possible the knot that persists in closing my throat, while the tears fall now without control on my face. People start to look at us weirdly, and how not to understand them: we are practically two fountains crying in the middle of the metro station, we do not go unnoticed. For this reason, I don't think it's necessary to keep attracting the attention of passers-by, and I try to detach myself slightly from Sabrina, so as to resume the situation. I quickly dry my face with both hands and sniff with my nose to prevent more tears falling from there, while she keeps her head down and her eyes glued to the ground.

_We'd better get out of here. They're starting to stare at us._

I notice how her eyes are swollen and reddened and after having lifted her head and brought a hand to her mouth in order to hold back another hiccup, she nods me quickly and together we go up the metro stairs to reach the road.

The strange thing is that as soon as we leave the station, she raises the collar of her jacket and wear a cap,useless since it is 8 pm, if not to avoid being recognized. Why should she have reasons to behave like this? In the meantime she has turned her eyes several times to be able to look around and certainly this is not normal behavior, unless she is a sociopath. I knit my eyebrows and keep staring at her until she notices my visible confusion and perplexity about this whole situation, turning completely towards me crossing my eyes with my own.

_I know you want to ask me, go ahead._

_What are you doing here? Why did you leave? Why are you looking around? What's going on?_

She probably didn't expect all these questions within 2 seconds, in fact her eyes widen a bit to the surprise, but I can't restrain my curiosity and above all I want to know everything that happened in the past and what brought her here today. How did she find me? Here's another question.

_I guess I owe you some answers then. Come on, let's walk a bit and I'll explain everything to you._

¦End of Flashback¦


	11. Chapter 11

**~ I Love-d you ~**

Pov Beca

We're still here, in this damn office and we've been wasting time for more than a quarter of an hour, because Mr. Pitt received a call from the Detective Bureau in New York and couldn't help but answer. It seems that the time in here has stopped, I have the impression that it's been days since we entered. During this brief interruption Chloe and I didn't talk, I didn't even want to look up to be able to cross her gaze, I don't think I could stand it. While she is doing nothing more than throw glances at me every second and knowing her I'm very well sure that she has something that blends in her mind. And above all, I imagine that as soon as we're done here, she'll be the next to question me. What an endless day.

I see the inspector taking his place behind the desk and I take a deep breath as if I wanted to prepare myself for a new series of questions. I hope that after today, this chapter will be closed.

_Sorry to interrupt... What are we saying? I get that you don't know how Miss Brown found you. Did she ever tell you then why she was looking for you? I guess it was a shock to see her suddenly after all that time._

_Well, yes. She actually looked for me because she wanted an help to find a job and solve some personal issues. And yes, it was rather... 'Shocking' to find her in front of my feet after a life that we didn't see each other._

I notice how the detective keeps writing everything I say, notes, diagrams, on some sheets of paper. It's pretty much irritating, especially since he rarely makes eye contact with us, just to ask questions, and I speak almost all the time with his graying hair, rather than with him.

_Do you remember what kind of personal matters?_

Of course I remember them. How can I forget them? But she never told me everything, she never wanted me to know things that could have compromised me, or put me in danger.

_Summarily, yes, I remember them. She told me that she had gotten into a nasty business, drugs and stuff, and had problems with an old 'friend' of hers, that's what she called him._

_Didn't she ever tell you his name?_

_No, never. And sincerely, I never even asked her._

I briefly turn my head to my right and see how Chloe is scanning me from the top of my hair to my feet, several times, and all it does nothing but increase the feeling of discomfort. However, I can't decipher her look, it seems like she's lost in her thoughts, as if she's trying to make sense of something... Yet she should know these things, I wrote them all down for her, it's nothing she doesn't know.

_Do you know what kind of problems she had with her 'friend'?_

_She never went into details, but she always said it was about money. That's why she was looking for a job._

_Have you ever wondered why she did it? Well, from what I've studied about the victim, she seemed to me to be a person who always got away with it on her own. Why look for you to find a job?_

The tranquility of this man is impressive. His tone of voice has never changed since the beginning of the interrogation and I wonder how the hell he does. It almost seems like it's one of those recorded ones that you hear on TV. Amazing.

_I don't know why, she just told me that she had never been in New York and didn't know where to start, but she always had the feeling that she would find me there. She obviously had a psychic side that I wasn't aware of._

I answer him with a brief and sarcastic laugh, to be able to dilute the palpable tension in the air. Not that it worked, I feel more tense than a violin string at the moment, but it doesn't matter.

_Beca, a few last questions and then we're done. It's just to get a clearer picture of the situation._

Holy Jesus Christ. So every now and then You really listen to the prayers from up there, huh?

_So, I'd like to know why you kept secret the presence of Sabrina, a person who apparently was very important to you, from Miss Beale with whom you seem to have shared an apartment and consequently also your daily life. Is there anything else underneath or is that all?_

I really believe that Mr Pitt has a degree in psychology, otherwise all these questions so personal and specific would not be asked. However what does he care in the end? They may be my business if I didn't tell Beale, you know!

_What do you mean by 'something else'? I don't understand._

Meanwhile, Chloe seems to have woken up from the trance she fell into a few minutes ago and now she's turned completely in my direction so she can focus her attention exclusively on me. With the tail of my eye I can see her eyes, and they are brighter than ever. There is no expression on her face, she's damn serious and surely these last questions interest her much more closely than the others.

_What I mean is.. did you have anything to hide? Have you ever had anything to do with the events in which Sabrina was involved?_

One detail captures my attention for a moment, and it is the grip of Chloe's hand around the armrest of her chair. Her fingertips have all become white and she seems to be holding her breath. She is waiting for my answer. After raising her eyes and crossing her gaze, slightly wide open surely because of the anxiety of the moment, I return to concentrate on the inspector who crossed his hands on the desk, holding the pen between them.

_No. I've never had anything to do with that world, if you will call it that. I never cared._

It spends a few moments of silence and in the meantime the detective stares at me in such an imperturbable way that it is intimidating to say the least. At the end he relaxes and a courteous smile appears on his face.

_Okay, Beca. That's enough for me. Thank you for your cooperation. We're done. If I ever need you again, I hope not, please keep yourselves available._

Oh, God doesn't seem to me to be true. This torture is over. I could almost hear the bells ringing out in my mind. The inspector stood up to greet us, followed immediately by Chloe, who is extending a hand in his direction. After a moment of trance, I recover and I stand up quickly so that I can finally get out of this room.

_No problem. Goodbye Mr. Pitt._

_Goodbye, Inspector._

After pay our respects, we leave the office that hosted us for almost 1 hour and head towards the long hallway that divides us from the main entrance of the station. Chloe walks in front of me a few steps away, and in the meantime, without much notice, my eyes fall on a part of her body that I did not remember so much.. Hot. Damn it. She's always been very obsessed with fitness and running, and I guess she's been training a lot over the years to achieve that. Wow. It's perfect. It's almost hypnosis- Beca, what the hell are you doing? Are you looking at your ex's ass?

I lift my eyes immediately and I can feel my cheeks burning in shame. It's nothing I haven't seen, it's clear, but I've always worshiped Chloe's body, and staring at her without any permission and secretly, I feel like disrespecting her, even if unintentionally.

As soon as I get to the entrance I stop for a moment to be able to put the cap on my head and the sunglasses. The same rule applies as before, better not to be recognized. Or at least try it. Chloe in the meantime has already left the station certainly not realizing that I have remained inside. Only after a few moments, maybe not feeling followed anymore, I see her turning and looking around probably to understand what happened to me. It may seem a nonsense, but knowing that she is looking for me and that, from her look I can say, she is a little confused not being able to find me, warms my heart a little. Maybe I'm traveling too much with my mind and probably it's something she would do with everyone, but I like to think that for a moment, even a second, I'm among her thoughts. The windows of the entrance are mirrored, which means that those inside can see who is outside, but not the other way around. So I decide to go out, I don't think we should stay here anymore, and I hope not to set foot on it again. As soon as I pull the huge door of the entrance I bump into someone, not exactly in a kind way, for my bad habit of always looking down rather than looking straight.

_Ouch, sorry!_

_Ow, hey! Beca! I was searching you, I didn't know where you were!_

I don't know if she can see my eyes, because I wear dark glasses, but I see her clearly and they are so intense blue, so much as to overcome that of the summer sky. I don't know why every time, I admire them. I don't think they'll ever stop doing this to me. Unconsciously, in the clash, my hands ended up on her arms while hers, due to the slight difference in height, are on my humerus. We are so close that, God, her perfume pervades my nostrils. It is so "familiar", so home. It is difficult to explain, there is no fragrance to refer to, it is simply unique. It smells of summer flowers, of burning sun in the open air and fields of wheat, of bloomed roses, it smells fresh. It is embracing, it gives warmth. I don't know how a perfume can convey such a sensation, but with it every time it was like being in her arms, despite not being there physically. Her essence did it in her place. I miss her. She never bothered me with her invading my personal space, and this time she's no exception.

Almost imperceptibly I caress the fabric of her sweater with my thumbs but immediately afterwards, as if I had realized the embarrassing situation that has arisen, I decide to detach myself from her. Abruptly I take my hands away from her and carry them along my body rubbing several times against my hips.

_Yes, I had stopped for a moment to.. Nothing. Do you mind if I-?_

_Oh yes yes... Sorry._

She looks at me a little confused and maybe even a little sad? I don't know. Maybe she didn't expect such a sudden change in my behavior, but I can't afford to go through feelings that I have experienced and that I know will never be returned again. She takes a few steps back to be able to get out of the police station again and this time I'm following her too. There is a lot of people going around the streets, not to mention the traffic, to be able to find a taxi available it will take me a lifetime. We go down the few steps that divide us from the sidewalk in total silence, as if we were afraid to say a word. By the way, I don't know what to say to her, I just hope she's a little calmer now than she was when she came in. We find ourselves in front of each other like those scenes in films in which, at the end of the evening, the person you like is bringing you all the way to the door of the house, and you wait for her to greet you. Well, only that the embarrassment is multiplied and above all the situation is even worse, because if in that case it's all very romantic and usually you get a kiss, in this case well... A strained smile is the maximum you can get.

_Well, I would go then! I'm afraid that if I didn't have to find a taxi, I'd have to walk soo.. It's better to go now, if I want to get home in the afternoon!_

I tell her with a short laugh trying to soften the air. It wouldn't take me so long to get home, but in order to see that beautiful smile sprouting up on her lips, I could be shooting bullshit for the rest of the m-Wow Beca, what a sappy! Ew, I could get diabetes on my own. You can't even think that about her.

However, she remains silent, so I decide to take stock of this whole thing and leave. I don't think we have anything else to say to each other, unfortunately.

_Well, I'm still sorry that you were involved in all of this. That's it!_

I tell her by moving my arms as if to point to the station behind us.

_Uh... I gotta go! See you around._

A hinted smile lifts the corners of my mouth and after having raised a hand as a sign of greeting I turn around to be able to walk in the opposite direction to her and leave. In all of this she has done nothing but observe me and not say words, and I can not deny that I am a little 'disappointed' and even a little' confused by her behavior. Usually she always had a few last things to say, one last sentence to entertain a little more, evidently it is not so and I should stop thinking that Chloe is the same girl as 2 years ago. It's not, just like I'm not. Stop it Beca, nothing is the same as before.

_Beca, wait!_

I've only put a few steps between me and her but I hear her calling me and I immediately turn my head. So maybe it's not what I think it is?

Y_eah?_

_Look... I still haven't figured out what really happened. Why... Why didn't you ever tell me about Sabrina? Before we broke up?_

Well, here's a question I probably should have expected, but I don't understand why she's asking me this since I wrote these things to her.

_I didn't want to betray Sabrina's trust. She always begged me not to tell anyone about her true identity, whether she was in NY, because they were looking for her. A clan she had moved away from some time before coming there._

_Yes, but.. Beca.. I was your girlfriend! I had a right to know what was going on in your life or who you were spending most of your time with._

Her tone of voice is calm but it's like a veil of resentment is hidden, like we've gone back in time and she's reliving everything. Her eyebrows are frowning and her eyes are confused and I can't help but notice the small wrinkles that form on her forehead when she is concentrated in something. Perfect.

_I know... But she had gotten into a bad lap and was dealing drugs to rounding up. I didn't want you to know anything because if they ever found her and ever understood who she was seeing or who she was asking for help with, things could end badly._

She doesn't answer me verbally, but her face says it all. She's still not understanding anything, and her puzzled expression is proof of that.

_What I mean is that... I had gotten myself into a bigger matter than me. I couldn't tell you anything to protect you if things went wrong and they found out about me that I was helping Sabrina. I would have put you in danger. They could have trace back to you in no time and I would never forgive myself if anything had ever happened to you._

I look down and glue my eyes to the sidewalk because I can't support hers. It still hurts too much to remember those moments and being able to explain everything again is not a good experience. A few moments go by and when I don't hear any answer I lift my eyes slightly to be able to look at her. Her eyes are slightly wide open and her mouth slightly open, she is clearly shocked. I understand that these are important things, that hearing it out loud is something else than reading it, but I didn't imagine such a reaction.

_Chloe... You're o-_

_Let's get out of here, I got my car parked behind the station. We're not done talking yet._

She takes me by the wrist and drags me away with little grace to her car. I don't understand what else she wants to know. Really, she was also there during the interrogation, the things I said in there are the truth. What other questions does she have to ask me?

Once we get close to her car, a black 4x4 range rover, I notice how impatiently she is looking for the keys inside your bag.

_Try the outside pocket..._

_Nah, I don't put them her-. Weell, here they are. You were right._

I'd say 'I told you so' but I hold back and change her smile, one of those falsely innocent. The typical smile of someone who claimed to be right but then embarrassed discovers she was wrong. Like when a child thinks he can get away with it but then gets caught. She's so cute! No, Beca. Enough and stop smiling like a fool. I try to get serious again and keep an impassive expression by bending my head slightly to the side, while she finally opens the car. The route is quite quiet, there is only the speaker of the radio in the background. In the meantime I've taken off both my hat and my sunglasses, not that I need them, the windows of the car are black. I don't know exactly where we're going, and if there was another person, I wouldn't even have followed her. But it's Chloe, and being so close to her seems almost surreal to me. I mean, I thought she hated me, or that you didn't make any difference to her. I just want to understand where all this is going to end. If I come out again destroyed or simply dented. I just hope it doesn't come out with new bullshit, I might not be able to handle it.

Needless to say, her car is so 'Chloe'. It looks like it's just come out of a dealership, there's not a single grain of dust on the dashboard. I don't know how she does it, my car is pretty clean, but in comparison to this it looks like a bin. It's incredible.

_Um... Don't get me wrong, but being kidnapped and not knowing where we're going wasn't at the top of my list of things to do today._

_You're always the same. Usually when you kidnap someone it's more than logical not to say where you're going, genius!_

She responds by moving her eyes from the street for a sec to put it on me for a few moments. A mocking smile curls the corners of her mouth and unintentionally my eyes end up on her lips. Damn, Beca. You are such a masochist. They are so damn perfect, it seems that Michelangelo or Caravaggio, well, some Italian artist, drew them. I've never really liked the history of art at school. She seems to have noticed and immediately turns her head to be able to concentrate again on the road, while I clear my throat for a moment for embarrassment. Always be very discreet Beca, I recommend! But I do not miss the slight blush that paints her cheeks now. However, I do not know if it is given by a pleasant feeling or if she is just annoyed. I can't understand it.

_However, you have not answered my question._

I tell her by turning her head towards the window and looking out without paying attention to anything in particular.

_We're here, grumpy._

She responds by giggling as I roll my eyes upward falsely annoyed and put on my cap and sunglasses again.

_You have to explain to me why you are wearing that hat. If it weren't for your long hair, you'd look like a 14-year-old rebellious boy dressed all in black._

_Dude, I don't know if I should feel offended at the moment. My outfit is more than fine. Besides, didn't you know that black is elegant? You should just admire it._

I tell her by pinching my t-shirt and lifting it up a little with superior attitude. Actually I know she is right, I'm practically a black dot on the face of the earth at the moment but it doesn't matter. My wardrobe has not much variation of colors. I should improve it. In the meantime we head to the entrance of a cafeteria that I didn't even know existed. They are those typical cafes with large windows, tables in the style of the 60s, with leather seats. Rather distinctive, but nice. There are not many people so we immediately take a seat at a table in the corner near the window, which overlooks the street. On the walls of the room there are a lot of paintings, some are caricatures of famous actors, singers, conductors. There are also pictures, drawings... It's a really nice place, it's cozy. On each table then there are magazines that you can leaf through while waiting for you to be served, I think it is especially for people who come here alone. Even if it's now difficult to find someone to read in a Cafe, I think only the older ones do it. And of course Chloe, only her can really get interested in the newspapers made available by the owners of a 60s restaurant, which seems to have stopped in those years. It's so out of the ordinary.

_Hello, ladies. What would you like me to bring you?_

The waiter has just approached and he is with his beautiful notebook in one hand waiting for our orders.

_Um... For me a double coffee, no sugar. Thank you._

_For you, miss?_

Chloe didn't look up for a moment from the magazine she's reading. What the hell is going to be written about so important? I stretch my neck a little so that I can see what attracted her so much attention that she didn't even notice that the waiter had arrived. No way, really? What the fuck? Journalists no longer know what to talk about as they start to invent things about the lives of others. What a nerve.

_Bring her a coffee with a lot of milk, cream and a sprinkle of cocoa thanks._

In the meantime, I'll order for Chloe to send the waiter away and talk to her. What the hell is so interesting about that?

_Chloe._

My voice came out more serious than I expected. I get rid of my glasses and hat because come on, I can't spend the whole day with those things on my head. And especially as much as I want to try to stay as incognito as possible, I have to get used to the idea that with or without my permission, they will talk about me, they will write about me regardless.

_"New flame for the rising star of LA, the Big BM. Who will be the lucky one?" It's a nice title for a newspaper article, you know? Not to mention what there is wr-_

_Ah, cut it. Give me that._

I'm taking the magazine out of her hands perhaps in a way that's rather unexpected for her, but it makes me nervous to know that they've been writing bullshit about me. And above all, I want to know what the fuck they said.

_You know she seems pretty nice, she's your new girlfriend?_

I almost choke on my own spit. My girlfriend? But does she really believe what it says? God, they tell false stories so well that they make them seem almost real. They really make you believe what doesn't exist. However, she seems rather annoyed, what is it? Even if she was my girlfriend, I'm not allowed to?

_Seriously Chlo?_

_Well, I don't know, tell me. You seem pretty close._

Since when does she care so much about my love life? It may be my business, isn't it? If she only knew that I had just met her, nothing but bonded.

_I don't know how much you're interested in, but no. She's not my girlfriend. She's Alex, one of my band. And by the way, Chlo, really. What am I doing here? We definitely didn't come here to discuss the written bullshit about my private life in a gossip newspaper._

I answer by throwing the magazine at the corner of the seat on which I am sitting and passing a hand through my hair. I'm not understanding anything anymore, what does she want?

I notice how she shakes her head almost imperceptibly and takes a deep breath. She no longer looks at me but has her eyes on her hands and nervously plays with the ring she wears to her thumb.

_You said you did it to protect me... But the messages I read two years ago, or your behavior... They didn't exactly reflect your intentions, that's all._

_I know they could have been easily misunderstood, and I'm not asking you to believe me. I don't care. But what I did had a reason and behaving like that was certainly not an easy choice, but it was necessary._

I tell her by leaning forward and pointing my finger at the table to be able to emphasize the concept more. I'm quite nervous at the moment because I don't want to face a second questioning now from her , but it's as if I have no way out. I wish I could live this moment in a different way, I have in front of me the person who has occupied my mind for almost the last years of my life, and I would have imagined this situation more pleasant, I would have liked to enjoy her presence. But at the moment I just want to take someone's head off because of how I feel. Damn me and the fucking choices I made and will definitely continue to make.

_Don't believe it was easy to hide everything from you._

I add under my voice, returning to the first position with my shoulders resting on the leather seat and my arms crossed. In the meantime the waiter has brought our orders so I immediately take a sip of my coffee since I'm practically fasting. I didn't even take it at home this morning because of my anxiety, so I'd say I deserve it after all. Instead, she seems rather surprised to find herself in front of her spotted coffee, in fact she has her lips protruded one forward and her forehead twisted. Maybe I should have left it alone and not ordered for her too. What an idiot.

_If it's not what you want, you can always change it._

_No no... That's fine, I just..I didn't think you'd still remember how I drank my coffee._

That's not the only thing I remember. I have everything in mind, every single thing that concerns her is well fixed in my memory and I doubt I'll ever be able to delete it. I shrug my shoulders and give her a quick look and then return to focus on my coffee. Loyal friend.

_Anyway... I still can't believe how you could have done that. I know it wasn't you... I mean... To kill Sabrina. I think I always knew that, but I freaked out. And I'm sorry I told you all those horrible things I-_

The vomiting of words in other situations may well be adorable, but now it just makes me even more nervous. She is apologizing, of course, but her speech is driving to something else, which I definitely don't think will make me jump for joy

_But? I know there's a but. Get to the point, Chloe._

_It's just that I still have in mind those images from 2 years ago, you who were almost never there... The messages... And now you come to me and say these things, that you did it for me... I'm not understanding anything anymore! It seems to me like a whole fucking joke!_

I feel the blood boiling. A fucking joke? I made myself in four more than two years ago to prevent something from happening, to prevent them from finding out who I was, where I lived and everything so as not to put her in danger. Fuck off. Does she still believe I cheated on her? She's serious?

From nervousness I carry my hands to the sides of my nose as if I were praying and close my eyes taking a deep breath. Calm Beca. Count to 10. 1..2..3- I can't do it, go to the hell.

_Look, I don't care if you're not understanding anything anymore. I don't care if you don't trust what I tell you, what I told you and that I also wrote you more than 2 years._

I tell her by getting closer to the edge of the table and resting my forearms on it and joining hands. God could stop the circulation as far as I'm squeezing them, but I have to loosen the tension somehow.

_I loved you Chloe, for God's sake, and I still feel like shit for everything that's happened! But if I did, it's because you were the only reason it was worth it to act like that. Because that were people who didn't joke, and I couldn't bear anything in the world-Christ! I…_

My heart has gone up my throat and now it's in place of my trachea. Damn anxiety, not to mention the shivers that are flowing through my whole body. This situation makes me crazy. I feel my head getting heavier and heavier, and I feel a stabbing pain passing through my temples. I also have an headache now. Good. I bring a hand to my forehead and try to recover for a moment. I have to go, I can't stay here yet.

_I... Um, I... I only did it to keep you safe. Maybe for you I did it the wrong way, but that's the truth. And I apologize again, if that's what you want. But if you don't want to believe me, don't do it, believe what you saw. I lost hope two years ago. I lost everything 2 years ago. Everything. And now I'm sorry, but I have nothing more to say to you._

I end up talking in a lower tone of voice because I'm tired. Tired of being pointed at, tired of not being understood, not believed, tired of everything. I get up from the seat under her persistent gaze, but she doesn't say a word. I take my bag and my things and leave my money to be able to pay the check. Surely even more than one for what I left but I do not care. The important thing is to go away. She has her hands on the table and her eyes down now, she seems focused in her thoughts while playing with the ring she carries on her finger. Yeah, and me who for 5 minutes had also forgotten she was getting married. It's useless Beca, you're a poor deluded woman. And she will never change her mind about you. I've done of all this.

I take my phone out of my bag in an attempt to call an Uber to go home, I wouldn't even know how to get there by walking. Time has also clouded and it seems to be raining from one moment to the next. That's all we needed. I hear the bell at the door of the Café making noise indicating that someone is coming or going, not that I care, I just want to leave. I move the weight from one foot to another waiting for them to come and pick me up, but obviously luck is never on my side.

_Beca.._

_What else, Beale?_

I turn totally to her, as the rain begins to wet everything it encounters.

I would say that it exactly reflects my mood, I just wish that as it does with the rest, the water would also take with it everything I feel.

_I...um...one last thing..._

She slowly approaches me and then stops a feet apart.

_So?_

It all happened in a blink of an eye. I can't believe it.


	12. Chapter 12

**~ Error 404 Page Not Found ~**

Pov Beca

I hear an annoying and continuous noise that seems to approaches me slowly and reaches my ears making me nervous. What the hell is that?

_Beep_Beep_Beep_..._

I try to open my eyes realizing only now that I was keeping them closed. My God, when did I become so sensitive to light? I squeeze them several times in order to get used to the vibe, but actually there is only one light coming from above my head that lights up the room, so everything is rather soft. After blinking my eyelids another time, I try to turn my head for a moment, but a stabbing pain pierces my temples and a grimace appears on my face. What the fuck happened? I feel my body all sore, and tingling, as if I hadn't moved for hours. Where the hell am I? I raise my arm to be able to control the clock that I always wear but I feel pulling my wrist from something that bothers me, so pesky. A needle. Or a cannula, those things that you put in hospit- wait what? Hospital? I open my eyes wide and quickly get up with my chest out of the blankets without paying attention to the immense pain that this simple movement has caused.

_Wow hey hey slow down!_

I hear someone approaching me and positioning on the side of my bed with one hand on my shoulder. I squint my eyes and bring a hand to my head to press against my temples because of the strong dizziness. I can't help but notice with the palm that what I'm touching is not my skin, but a bandage. What the-?

_What the hell am I doing here?_

I turn to the direction from where the voice came no more than two seconds ago, opening a single eye while the other is still closed for my expression more than suffering. I notice how familiar she is, but I can't think of anything.

I try to observe better but nothing, the void. C'mon Beca makes an effort.

Damn it.

It seems like when you look for a page on the internet and you get out address not found.

_Beca.. How are you feeling?_

_Like I threw myself out of a 6-story building._

The dizziness has calmed down and I can finally relax my face. I follow with my eyes the person in front of me who stands up and heads towards what looks like a kitchen shelf, even if actually it is not, to be able to recover a bottle of water. I just can't remember who she is...

_Um... I... Can you tell me why I'm here? What happened to me?_

_You don't remember anything, do you?_

Remember? No. Of course not, otherwise I wouldn't ask that question. What an dumb.

_No..._

I settle better on the bed and try to cross my legs with some difficulty, as they look like concrete, turning totally towards the unknown. In the meantime I realize that it is evening, perhaps night since the dark sky, the room is quite modest with a table under the window and two armchairs on the sides. Near the entrance there is a closet while on the wall next door there is another door, probably is the bathroom. My eyes inevitably fall on my hands and on my arms that are full of small bruises certainly due to some blood sampling. I am spotted. Damn it. Not to mention the gown. God, what a shame, why do we wear such things in the hospital? I try to cover my legs as much as possible with blankets, it's rather embarrassing. The only good thing is that it's closed from behind, or so it seems to me. I'll never get out of bed if it's open, my ass is priceless. Only for a few. They have to earn it.

I lift my eyes from my gown and point them at the girl who is now with her forearms resting on what looks like a breakfast table at the edge of my bed. She seems thoughtful and above all I don't understand why she doesn't tell me anything. I try again to remember who she is but nothing. What is happening to me?

_I'd better go get someone. They have to check on you._

I follow her with my eyes and nod slightly as I see her leaving the room. I can't make a complete sentence of meaning. A lot of questions start to get crowded in my mind, I don't remember anything. I don't remember how I got here, why. It's as if I'm been reset, an empty disk. Disk, it seems so familiar as a word. How nervous is this feeling of having the conviction to know something but not being able to understand what. It's as if I missed a ride. I need answers, to know what happened and why I feel so confused. I take one hand to touch my head gently and I can't help but notice that it's all bandaged with multiple layers, especially at the back level. That hurts, my God. It feels as if I have a knife that constantly pierces my brain. I close my eyes in a vain attempt to relieve the pain but nothing seems to change. Damn it. I decide to get up from bed, I need to see myself, to understand what happened to me and I don't want to wait any longer. I quickly discover my legs and carry them to the right side of the bed to be able to get up. I feel my arm being pulled by something and I realize that it is the tube of the drip that is stretched and is about to come off. I move a bit towards the head of the bed, getting closer to the pole that keeps the IV so as not to do any more damage. I don't want to get punctured any further. My legs feel like jelly now but I need to see clear in this situation and I have to stand up to reach the mirror. One foot on the ground, then the second. Come on Beca, the worst that could happen, you're going to sit down again. On my count: one, two, three.

Well I was thinking worse, my legs do pretty badly but it's the same pain as when you go to the gym after months and your legs become a heap of lactic acid. With the little difference that at the moment I see the whole room turning around and I have not even put a step. What the hell. I feel my breath getting deeper and deeper and my sight fogging up. Hold up Beca, you can't afford to get sick just by standing up. Don't be a wuss. I lift my head slightly but the situation does not change. Everything keeps turning and I'm starting to sweat cold too. Really? I drag my right foot forward followed by my left foot with a distance that maybe not even a child's pace is so short. Details. The IV pole is proving to be a good help, it seems as if my stability depended on it. However, I did not think that the bathroom door was so far away, sitting at the bed seemed to a spit away. Me and my absurd ideas, I already feel the strength to miss me and I put only 4 steps. I don't think that if I fell, the pole would magically support me. Damn it.

Okay Becs, relax. You're in the middle of the room. Either you go back to the bed, or you continue straight to the bathroom or you reach the armchairs under the window and sit down. Maybe if I increase my pace a bit I can get to the chairs before I fall miserably to the ground. I don't want to lie down again in bed, I feel all the pain on the back, who knows how long I've been lying there. It's as if all my energy has been sucked up in 2 seconds and now I lean not only against the pole but also against the wall to reach the window. Maybe if I opened it I'd get some air and I'd feel better immediately, yes. That sounds a good idea. God, it seems that I'm doing the labors of Hercules, I feel my heart exploding almost from my chest. Maybe I should really start and do some physical exercise because I think that in a little while I will fall to the gr-. 

Pov Chloe

I left that damn room about an hour ago to get some air and call Chicago to tell him I'm still in the hospital. He didn't seem particularly interested in the situation, except a few days ago when I sent him a message to let know that I was in the hospital. I don't have to say how many calls he did to find out if I were okay. Too many for my taste. Unfortunately, I wasn't the one who was sick. I would have preferred it by far. It's been almost a week since those moments have been running through my mind all the time, and they don't give me peace. It was all so fast, a blink of an eye. One second she was standing, the next she was on the ground, helpless. I can't describe what I felt, wasted. Lost. And I've been carrying this feeling on me since that fucking moment. She didn't wake up, she didn't show any signs of recovery. Nothing. She's there, breathing alone but not opening her eyes. Why don't you open your eyes? Damn you. From the little terrace where I am, in the distance I can only see a few lights and then a dark expanse that I am sure is the ocean. I can admire the reflection of the moon on the water and the slight ripples typical of low tide. It's a breathtaking view. And it is even more extraordinary to see how the moon illuminates everything that can be seen by the human eye. Usually you don't think about how much light it can reflect, in the city you can't see anything but a luminous ball that dwells in the sky without actually realizing how much it lights up our nights. I'm sure she'd love to be here enjoying the sight.

I get close to the railing so I can lean on it and pull a pack of cigarettes out of my jacket pocket. I know I shouldn't be smoking again, I quit with a lot of effort almost a year ago, and certainly my boyfriend won't like it, but it's the only way I can relieve the tension at the moment. I take one out and place it between my lips as I pick up my lighter from inside the packet so I can turn it on. It's almost certain that I'll get back into the vicious circle but I don't care.

Not at the moment, at least. I breathe deeply and feel the acrid flavor pervade my mouth. I never realized how much I missed this feeling. My lungs obviously don't think so, but my brain seems to be having a party right now. The cloud of smoke that I just exhaled evaporates in front of me in just a few seconds, just as I would like my thoughts to be. I'm tired. Plus, in a few days Chicago will be back from its business trip and we'll have to start preparing for the wedding. I have not mentioned anything about the whole question of police and interrogation. I don't have the strength, especially now. God. I feel so guilty. Since she got sick, I haven't moved away from here for a moment. I didn't come home at all despite the Bellas almost forced me to do so. We were almost all here and we shifted to make sure that someone was always with her, in case she woke up. Fortunately, they didn't ask many questions about why I was with her when she got sick, not even that goose of her blonde friend. Not that I've been of many words, in fact. I almost don't recognize myself. It's unusual for me to be so quiet, but it's as if my mind had gone into standby. Battery almost flat. That's how I feel. It's not like me, and maybe that's why they didn't bother me so much. I know I probably shouldn't be like that, especially since our reconciliation - is that what it's called? - was incredibly absurd, above all because I still have a thousand doubts in my mind, and what she said to me after the interrogation has only increased my confusion, but now, in this moment, I can't help but silence my thoughts for a moment and leave room only for the hope that she can recover. I don't care about anything else, she was still a fundamental person in my life. I think my reaction is normal, right? Well, everyone is worried. It's Beca.

Beca.

Every time I repeat her name, I remember the moment I laid my eyes on her. It's as if I had made that exact moment a still image, a screenshot. I wasn't aware of her name and in those few minutes of conversation at the activity fair, I still didn't know that I would fall in love with her. Probably my heart was, but my mind did not. I think that after everything that's happened between us, anything could happen, whenever her name comes up for any reason in my head, all I'd see is her with an eyeliner that's too marked and a fake badass expression that didn't convince me even for a second. So beautiful.

Damn it, Chloe, you can't think this things. It's water under the bridge, you have a future to focus on.

I breathe in the last shot of a cigarette and throw it in the ashtray next to the window that connects the terrace with the inside of the hospital. It's so calm at night, the lights are even dimmer than during the day. The light night breeze makes me shiver and maybe it is better to enter before I get a cold. It's the last thing I need right now. I walk through the waiting room until I reach the elevator to get to the 4th floor. It's all so quiet, almost surreal. There are only two people sitting in the armchairs here, and a nurse is behind what looks like a reception. They are all so good and kind, always at your complete disposal. I know how hard that kind of work can be, I have to deal with animals and it's already heavy enough. And they don't have the gift of speech. I dare not imagine this reality how much more stressful it is. I hear the acoustic sign warning that the lift is coming and I immediately occupy it by pushing the no. 4 to close the doors in front of me. I notice that my phone does not stop vibrating indicating the arrival of several notifications. Who the hell is it at this hour?

**Stacie 2.35 am**

_Chlo! Get in. She's awake!_

No way.

**The Bellas**

**2.36 am **

_Stacie: Beca's awake! Finally_

**2.37 am**

_Flo: That's great news. Thank you for letting us know 🙏❤️❤️_

_Jessica: Finally! I was so worried!_

I don't go on with the messages anymore and automatically my hand goes to push with much more force and continuously the number 4 button as if in doing so I could get first to the plan. I could break it as far as I know.

She's awake. Beca woke up. God I can't believe it. I feel my eyes getting moist and tears threatening to fall, it's like a weight being lifted from my shoulders. She's finally recovered and now she's going to be fine. She must be fine.

As soon as I reach the floor I don't even wait for the elevator doors to open completely and I come out like a splinter. I only hear the noises of the sole of my shoes rubbing against the floor as fast as I am walking. I see Stacie near the nurses' counter talking to a woman on shift who is definitely approaching the phone to call the doctor on duty.

_Stace!_

_Chloe, there you are. The doctor's on her way._

I turn around slightly and behind me I see the doctor arriving quickly with a resident, I think, who keeps with him a tablet surely where all the data of the patients are collected.

_Hello ladies. Shall we go and see how your friend is doing?_

_Sure._

All 4 of us get ready for room 407 but I can't keep up and go faster a little bit to get to the door first. I rest my hand, trembling for the anxiety to see her again, on the handle and I gently push the door to be able to enter.

I do not realize that I look at the floor until my eyes open wide seeing what happened in this room.

_BECA!_

I walk the short distance between myself and her with one step and automatically kneel down to reach her same level trying to lift her. It can't be that everything happened again. It's not really happening. She had just woke fucking up and I wasn't there. I feel my heart beating like crazy but I don't mind, I don't care if it breaks out. She has to wake up. For God's sake. In the meantime, the doctor reached me immediately and quickly checked her pupils, probably to see if she was alert or not.

_Edward goes and calls a nurse and brings a spoon stretcher. We have to lift her up and put her on the bed. Hurry up._

The resident leaves immediately to do what the doctor told him, passing near a more than upset and paralyzed Stacie that seems to be on the verge of crying. Meanwhile, the doctor has placed Beca in a safe position and continues to check her pupils and pull small pinches on her arms to see if she responds to the stimuli. I continue to squeeze her hand and caress her back as gently as when you do it to calm someone down. I don't know exactly if this is productive in this situation but it's the most natural thing I can do right now, as well as holding back the fucking tears that have been watering my eyes since before.

_Here we are, Doc._

Two nurses and the intern approach with a stretcher that really has the shape of a spoon, and I understand that I have to stand aside so that they can lift and put her on the bed. I notice how they slowly turn her around keeping her head in line but what attracts my attention are Beca's facial expressions and how she started to move as if she was about to wake up from a deep sleep.

_Okok, easy. I think she's waking up. She probably just fainted._

_What the hell?_

I see Beca first opening one eye and then the other and taking cover with one hand from the light that, although suffused, I imagine it bothers her. 

Pov Beca

_What happened again?_

I blink several times and then open my eyes slowly. Don't tell me I fell like a moron. I was almost there in the armchairs, damn it.

_Beca, I'm Dr. Amelia Shepherd, the neurosurgeon who operated on you. How are you feeling?_

I look towards the woman in the white coat who is on the right of my bed next to another doctor but who has a different uniform color. Maybe he did a wrong washing program? Duh. However, I feel observed insistently and, turning my head to the other side, I realize that in addition to the girl before, there is another. She's.. Wow. She.. I don't know how to describe her. It reminds me so much of someone, their eyes, God. I know I've seen them somewhere before. My stomach feels like it suddenly woke up and reacted to her presence. I feel as if she is somersaulting, as does my heart. What's happening to me? I can't get my eyes off her and she seems to be crying, but why is she sad? Such a beautiful girl does not dress well an expression like that. Damn it, it's so strange. It's as if there were something between me and her, but I can't understand what it is. Well, It's probably just a sensation, I fell like a pear no more than 2 minutes ago. It will surely be the fault of the blow.

But those eyes.

In my mind, however, now there is only one question in cubic characters to which I need an answer and who better than a white coat to ask?

_Doc why am I here? What happened to me?_

I see the doctor hesitating for a moment and looking around with the others in the room before talking. I don't think that's a good sign, do I?

_You were brought here last Thursday in an emergency due to a cerebral hemorrhage. You had a communicating posterior artery aneurysm that broke and caused bloodshed. We clipped it by surgery so that there would be no recurrence._

Wait what? Aneurysm? Haemorrhage? Holy shit. I've been here since Thursday, what fucking day was Thursday? I guess there's an expression of pure shock on my face at the moment, from the way the doctor keeps reassured me that everything has gone well and that the chances of it happening again are very low. But still it's like she's talking to the wind, I don't care about all the bullshit she says, how long have I been in this fucking bed?

_What day is it today?_

_Well, today is Monday. So you've been in a coma for 4 days, we expected a shorter recovery time, but of course it depends on person to person._

_Monday._

I'm just saying again, like I'm trying to convince myself that it's really been all this time. Shit.

_Beca, um... the question from before remains the same. I'd like to know first how you feel and then proceed with the objective exam._

She responds with a friendly smile on her lips and hands placed in her coat pockets in an almost natural way. As if that garment were an extension of her body. She really looks like a kind doctor, not one with own nose in the air.

_I...Um... Right now I feel like I've been run over by a train._

I feel my left hand being gently squeezed by something, or rather someone. I lift my eyes and notice how the same girl from before now has her gaze glued to our hands and a tear escaped her eyes. Almost as if my body were reacting autonomously, my hand, which was previously close to her, reaches her cheek to be able to wipe away that one salty drop that wets her face, and she immediately crosses her look with mine. I can't help but frown my forehead because I don't understand why she's so distressed, but I don't want to ask, not now at least.

_Uhm-ah... Okay Beca. Now I'm going to run some tests to understand your response to the stimuli, okay?_

I nod slightly without taking my eyes off the blondie and I see with the peripheral view the two doctor stand at the edge of the bed and lift first one foot and then the other by sliding under the plant a contraption that I think is a Chinese torture. God the tickle, it's not possible. Damn it. Then they pass by my ankles, my knees, they drum all over me, they make me raise my arms, my legs, I seem to be doing physical exercise as far as I know. After countless examinations, pressure on my eyes -that God didn't think it would hurt so much to press on the eyebrow arch-, and various pats, I see the doctor write something on the tablet she has with her repositioning on the side of my bed. In the meantime, I sat down with my back resting on the backrest so that I could be more or less on the same level as the others in the room.

_So, Beca. Your reflexes are fine, we've done all the tests we can and they're all negative so that means everything's okay. Tomorrow morning I'll have you do a further check-up to make sure everything is in order._

_All right._

I nod slowly by lowering my gaze and staring at my hands, thinking about what I'm feeling from the exact moment I opened my eyes. It's a terrible feeling. Why if all goes well then it's like I have a void in my head?

_One last thing and then we'll let you rest.. Why did you get out of bed before? What were you going to do?_

I immediately lift my eyes to meet the clear Shepherd's ones who seem rather surprised that I got up when I woke up. Is it that strange?

_Well... I wanted to understand what had happened to me, and see what I had on my head... I.._.

I give off a heavy sigh that I didn't think I was holding back and my shoulders fall like when you're resigned. I notice how the doctor got closer to bed and placed her hand on my shoulder with a reassuring effect. She seems worried and I don't think she's understanding what's going through my head and how to pity her, neither do I.

_Beca... I'm your doctor and if there's something wrong I'd like to know._

She looks me right in the eyes but I can't support her stare and unintentionally turns my head the other way. I realize that the two familiar-faced girls have not moved an inch and seem rather tired and exhausted by all this situation, I guess. I wish I could figure out who they were... Fucking brain.

_I... Doc I... Is it normal that I don't know some things anymore?_

I know that the question is not exactly what I would like to ask, but to say it out loud would make it seem even more real and even more terrifying than it is already just in my mind.

Shepherd takes a look at the other doctor who immediately resumes the tablet perhaps to be able to note down something, and then quickly moves her gaze on the two girls in the room with us.

_Do you know who they are Beca?_

I feel all the eyes pointed at me and I could say that it is not exactly a comfortable situation, especially because the looks of the blonde and tall girl near me, seem almost terrified by the answer I could give. If I have the feeling of knowing them, they probably know me. Are they my friends? Acquaintances?

I can not help but pointing the eyes at those of the girl who previously squeezed my hand, I could spend hours staring at them. She seems upset and almost holding her breath. Probably the cause of her mood is me. What a shitty situation.

_I... No..Doc. I don't-._

I stop myself seeing the reaction of the two girls to the left of my bed who almost seem to have seen a ghost. They have become as pale as a sheet and the eyes I think more wide open can not be. I notice how the brunette brought one hand to the other's forearm and held it tight, as if to comfort her? Let her know that she's close to her. But why? On the other hand, the blonde seems to have paralysed. She no longer blinked or moved her pupils. A statue. And the most disturbing thing is that she's staring at me. The doctor seems to have noticed and in fact waved a hand in front of her to be able to get her back on her feet, and only after a few moments she moves her head towards her, almost like an automaton, clearing her throat.

_Excuse me, I have to go out for a moment._

She leaves, with her fists closed, her knuckles white and her head low, she leaves the room. She goes away. I can't deny that I feel an enormous weight on my stomach, I feel as if I had hurt her in some way and the last thing I wanted to do was cause her pain. Why did she react like that? Why do I feel that way? What are we? There are so many questions I can't answer, that nerve.

_Beca, I know you're probably asking yourself several questions right now. But now you have to try to answer these questions I'm asking you, I want to understand what happened to you. Okay?_

I nod quickly to the doctor, making her intend to proceed, without stopping for a moment to think of the ocean-eyed girl. I can't get them out of my mind.

_What do you remember with certainty Beca?_

_Well... I know I don't have a family, I grew up alone, I live in Los Angeles... We're in LA, aren't we? Do I probably work here too? I have a feeling that it has something to do with records... I don't know. Then the emptiness. I don't remember anything else._

I see the male doctor writing quickly on the tablet, I'm afraid that his fingers could twist at any moment. How the hell does he do that?

_Mmh..okay. So can you tell me your full name, your date of birth, where you grew up, where you went to college, whether you went or not?_

_Wow, that's a lot of questions. Okay so, Rebeca Mitchell, August 9, 1989, Astoria. I grew up there and then I left. I... I think I had a friend at the time but I don't remember the name. It's all pretty confusing. I know I went to college, to Atlanta maybe? It was with B but I don't get anything by now._

_That's okay, Beca. Don't try harder than you have to. And anyway, going back to your question earlier, yes, we're in LA. Now, one last question and then we're done. Do you have any memories of your life after college? Or is it all black, like an empty box?_

I close my eyes for a moment and try to focus on the question she asked me. After college, it means a few years ago maybe. Come on Beca, I know you can do it. What did you do after college? Jeez, it's all so confusing. It's like I have dirty glass in front of my eyes that doesn't show me what's happening on the other side. The images are so vague, it seems like the subway, the smoke from the manholes, huge skyscrapers, the Brookl-Bridge wait. Brooklyn, subway, skyscrapers, is

_NEW YORK!_

I open my eyes wide and scream perhaps with too much enthusiasm so as to scare those present in the room.

_I've been to New York, but for now that's all I remember..._

I add quietly and in the meantime I see the others relaxing for sure because they didn't expect an outing like that. However, the doctor, after whispering something to the other doctor, turns to me completely with a friendly smile.

_Okay, Beca, we've written it all down. From a first investigation I can say that yours is a dissociative amnesia, i.e. you do not remember some important events in your life, it is usually caused by heavy stress or trauma. In your case, the second option._

I nod slightly on the words of Shepherd. I have memory holes. My brain is practically a Gruyère at the moment. Then why do I remember Gruyère and don't remember the important things? What the heck.

_Several patients with this type of amnesia are very likely to acquire memories spontaneously and quickly, there is no drug therapy. However, I think that in a couple of days, if all the tests are normal, you can go out and go home. I'll be here until tomorrow morning, then I'll go back to Seattle but I'll make sure that all your results are sent to me by email to be updated on your case._

In the meantime, the room door opened again and she went back inside without looking up from the floor for a moment. She sat in one of the armchairs next to the window as the other girl did several minutes ago. I can't help but notice how her eyes are swollen and red, did she cry? Or is she just tired? My attention, however, is kidnapped by the doctor who clears her voice several times to be able to dampen the embarrassing silence that has come to be created in these few moments.

_So. We go now, anything do not hesitate to call the nurses. I leave you in good hands, I recommend._

Shepherd points at the two girls sitting at the back of the room with her head and throws me a reassuring wink. I don't know why but I feel a slight anxiety pervading my whole body, I would almost like the two doctors not to leave the room because I have the feeling that the situation will be very tense.

_O-okay... Thank you, Dr. Shepherd. You have been very kind._

_Duty. Goodbye Beca, have a rest._

Having said that, the two doctors turn towards the door and leave quickly leaving the three of us in the tomb silence. As I imagined.

My head is low and my eyes are glued to the sheets because I don't have the courage to look up and meet the other two girls.

_I'm going to warn Blake, surely she will want to know how she is and try to find a way to silence the press._

Blake. God, it's such a familiar name. Blake. Damn dissociative amnesia. It almost sounds like one of the rules of mathematics. I've never been strong on that subject. In the meantime, I hear the door close indicating that someone has left the room. I look up and notice that I was left alone with the blue-eyed girl. Even if in my opinion it is reductive to call them that colour. She has her eyes fixed outside the window. Her hair looks like strands of wheat, and I'm almost sure that their smell is something unique in the world. She has that beauty that needs to be treated with gloves... Like something special. But why are you doing this to me? Who are you who have already stuck yourself in my thoughts? I think she realized that she was being stared and turned her head to be able to meet my eyes. She's beautiful.

_Don't you remember who I am?_

Her voice. Is she tired, almost resigned? But I think it's the most pleasant sound everyone should hear at least once in their lives. It's art. God, it must have been a strong blow to the head. I seem to be delirious. The important thing is that I at least say these things to me. I have a reputation to maintain.

_No.. Can you tell me your name?_

I notice how the girl has tightened her jaw and swallowed as conspicuously as when you have just punched in the face and try in every way not to think about the pain. She has her gaze fixed in mine, her eyes are imperturbable. Who are you?

_Chloe. It's just.. Chloe._


	13. Chapter 13

**~ Throwback Thursday ~**

Pov Chloe

_What do you think, white or cream? And what do you prefer for the centrepieces, a composition of flowers or a plant resting on a crystal pedestal?_

For hours Jane, Jill or whatever she's called have been pestering us with the preparation of the wedding. Yes, Chicago is back two days in advance from Boston and has planned the first meeting with the wedding planner who, in his words, "is the best around". God, sometimes seems more like he's the bride than I am. He is so focused on the details, organized, precise, he wants the perfect wedding. In fact, for all of the day he was much more interested in everything that the professional showed us, rather than me. Let's also say that the essential part, and certainly also the part that excites me the most, is the tasting of the dishes and cakes. Unfortunately, however, it's not my lucky day. Damn it. I don't know how many types of handkerchiefs she has shown us since we arrived in all colors, all shades, some I didn't even think existed. Not to mention the tablecloths, the decorations, the flowers, my God the flowers. I can't even describe how much my boyfriend has become attached to floral decorations. White roses and antique pink for the whole arch that, as I understand, it will be above our heads while the officiant will marry us. Not that I mind it, as long as it is well for him, I can only be more than relaxed. It's good that he is so involved with this kind of preparations, it seems like he were my bridesmaid for his enthusiasm, although he is my future husband. Maybe that's what makes our relationship work, we compensate ourselves. If it weren't for him, we would still be on the high tides for the marriage right now.

Let's just say I haven't been around much lately and I feel very guilty about it. I know that I should devote myself completely to the event, that is supposed to be the most important and beautiful of my life, but at the moment with all honesty, I have my head elsewhere. Today she should be discharged from the hospital and return home. I know it's only been two days since she woke up and it's too early for her to regain her full memory, but I really wish she could remember everything. It's horrible to know that you've been a key part of someone's life and feel like a perfect stranger to them. What's worse is that it's not just a feeling, but it's reality in her world. I am nothing to her except one of the Bellas she spent her college years with. I can't describe how I felt when she told Dr. Shepherd not to remember us.

Me.

A punch in the stomach, a torn piece of heart, and all our memories that passed in front of my eyes, memories of which there is also a chance that she can not resume. And it sucks. I didn't go to see her after that night, I didn't make it. I know that Amy and Blake were with her most of the time and I'm pretty sure she was in good hands. I don't know how to behave when I'm with her, and it's strange because I've always known how to be with her. It's something that always came naturally, automatically, it's always been as if my body knew exactly what to do in her presence, even before my mind. And now it's not like that. It's as if what I found out in front of my eyes two nights ago was not Beca, my Beca. Yes, mine, because as long as a person is under your skin, you can't help but feel it, despite everything that's gone by.

I'll be a little stupid to think so, or masochistic, who knows? But now I can't get her look out of my mind, when she asked me what my name was. She seemed anguished, curious, maybe even a little guilty. Knowing her I'm sure for a fact that she is cursing her brain to have blackouts. But it's not her fault, maybe mine. I shouldn't have made her nervous, I shouldn't have said those things to her, contradicted her. If it hadn't been for my irrepressible need to see clear in that situation, she wouldn't be in this situation right now, and neither would all of us. I know that her manager is having a lot of trouble at work, to avoid a media case being made of her, although by now everyone knows what happened to Beca. It's more the problems I've caused than the rest. I just wish nothing had ever happened. That she was fine, nothing more.

_Chloe, are you all right, love? I think this shade of cream is good for the service, what do you think?_

No. I'm not okay. Not at all.

_Um, yes, I think it's fine. It's very delicate in color, it's perfect._

I pretend to smile at Chicago and the girl on the other side of the desk that I don't know how she does it, but she's been smiling for, like, 3 hours. If I wasn't more than sure that a stroke doesn't have these effects, I would have started to worry. I notice how they talk excited, they laugh, she seems really very prepared in her work, but it's as if I'm totally out of the situation. Like I'm in a bubble and their voices get muffled. I can't concentrate. I have a slight smile on my lips but more than a smile I think it's a grimace. It is said that when you smile, it is not enough to lift the corners of your mouth. It's something that involves the whole face, the eyes mainly. You can tell when a person lies and has a false smile. She doesn't have the typical crow's feet around the eyes and she doesn't squeeze them. I think that's my case at the moment, but I imagine Chicago is too busy to even notice. My gaze falls on his features, on his perfect face. How he talks, how he moves his hands, his micro expressions. He's really perfect. I just wish I could spend more time with him to forget all that has happened these days. So that I can just delete the confusion I have and enjoy the months before the wedding. As it should be. I think he's realized that I'm staring at him and in fact now he's looking at me and smiling, a real smile though. He extends his hand so that he can bring a rebel strand behind my ear and caress my face, while approaching my ear. I'm so lucky to have him.

_Hey, you are so beautiful._

He whispers to me before returning to the initial position. I can't control the slight blush that is definitely painting my cheeks now. It always has a certain effect receiving compliments and I am so grateful that he is so attentive to me. I should really tell him everything, he deserves my honesty and I want to have a relationship free from any secrets. I want to be able to love him without being afraid of not being understood, and if I don't empty the sack I will always feel restrained by something. I will always feel at fault with him and I don't think it's the best way to start a married life together.

_Babe, Jill here was proposing some bands for the party. I was thinking, that friend of yours, Beca. I know she's a DJ, and as far as I know-_

_Beca Mitchell? That Beca Mitchell?_

I can't help but notice how our wedding planner has her eyes wide open when she hears about Beca. And considering that for a few minutes I had also managed not to think about everything about Beca. Damn it.

_Um... Yes, that Beca Mitchell._

I address a smile to Jill who seems more than excited to hear about her. Maybe she's a fan of hers. Who knows?

_Anyway, honey, I don't know... she hasn't even confirmed the participation at the wedding, I don't kn-_

_Oh, well maybe when you see her, you could ask or call her. For now, let's leave that detail in abeyance. I'd like her to be our DJ, she's also quite famous. It would be great, wouldn't it ?_

_Yeah._

I look down and reply faintly to Chicago. Beca our DJ? God, what an embarrassing situation. And then I really don't know if she's going to be at the party, she never said anything, neither to me nor to the others. And now with this hospital situation, this memory situation, it's even more messed up. Why can't everything be simpler for once? One.

_Excuse me for the indiscretion, but are the rumours of Miss Mitchell's accident true? Is it true of the hemorrhage in the hea-_

I see Jill getting a little closer with her chest to her desk and asking us in a whisper about Beca. As if she wanted to get in the way of other people's events and do some gossip. But what the hell are her business? What does she care?

_We're not here to talk about Beca. And I don't see what you'd be interested in._

I almost bark at her. Maybe I answered her with too much energy in fact she seems rather amazed by my reaction and is trying in every way to avoid my look and focus on something at the PC and muttering certainly not very nice things. Talebearer.

_Excuse me, I'll wait outside._

I say quietly as I get up and out of the office. I don't like to make a scene, but I really can't stand people who are ready to talk and get involved in things that don't belong to them. Probably the fact that it was Beca did nothing but increase my nervousness about this topic, especially because I feel closely touched.

The LA sun is burning today, yet it's only in the spring. As soon as I leave the building, I squint my eyes so that I can get used to the light despite wearing sunglasses. The party room really has a huge garden, very tall palms, flowers everywhere. It's really very nice and I'm sure it will be spectacular to get married here. I take out a cigarette from inside the package and don't think twice about it before lighting it up. I don't care if Chicago is not good for this thing, this vice. I'll try to get out of it as soon as possible but for now I need it, and I hope he understands it too.

In the meantime I'll check if I've got some notifications on my cell, and except for some messages from Gary warning me that tomorrow he can't be there at work, there's nothing else. I know what notification I wanted to find on my screen but unfortunately there is nothing. It's 10.30 am. Usually at this time they should visit and update patients on their condition. Maybe I should call to ask if there is anything new. Call her directly? No, that's not an option. She probably doesn't even remember me since I didn't go to the hospital anymore. Blake? Even not. I can barely stand her at this time, and I think it's a mutual thing. Stacie? She told me that she would be at work today so she wouldn't go to the hospital. Amy! Amy will definitely stay with her! I'll dial the number immediately and forward the call. God, I look like a little girl calling her friend so she can find out who she likes.

Wait what? No Chloe. No. Absolutely. It's only because she's your friend, your dearest friend with whom you spent the best years of your life and loved each oth-.

_Hola, Ginger! What's up?_

Fortunately, my flow of thoughts is interrupted by Fat Amy's voice. Deo gratias.

_Amy, I haven't been a ginger in years. Why do you keep calling me that?_

_Oh well, force of habit. Then who knows, maybe when I say it, your girlfriend comes up with something, you know!_

I almost choke on the last shot of a cigarette and inevitably start coughing curses at Amy. What the hell does she say? She just can't help but make jokes about me and Beca. It's been years and she still doesn't put her soul at rest.

_Hey there, are you all right? Do you need someone to give you mouth-to-mouth breathing? Because you know, I know a certain brunette girl, blue eyes, a little low but as they say in the spicy barrel-_

_AMY! STOP IT!_

I can get oxygen and respond to it by interrupting the whole mess of bullshit that, I don't know how she does it, she shot within 2 seconds. It's absurd how she talks fast, and it's even more absurd how she always manages to have her lines ready. I hear her laughter on the other side of the phone and I can't stop giggling because it's really hilarious. I shake my head as I continue to walk along the avenues of the garden and hear Amy on the other side talking to someone. However, I can't figure out who it is, so I decide to clear my voice to be able to attract her attention. I don't have all day.

_Oh yes Chloe, I'm sorry. Shawshank is tatting me because she doesn't want to eat the breakfast they brought her. In a little while, I personally put a spoon in her mouth._

_Amyyy... But it sucks!_

I recognize her voice distinctly now, though a bit in the distance. I laugh thinking about the expression that she will surely have on her face at the moment. Like a child in front of a plate of vegetables, especially broccoli. The very essence of disgust.

_Did you hear that? She acts like a child._

_Well try to insist, until the end she'll listen to you._

I answer her with obviousness, knowing that winning a war is easier than convincing Beca to do something, especially eating something she doesn't like.

_No Ginger, I think the only one she would listen to is you. I'll put her on, help me._

_Wait what?_

Me? Why would she listen to me? Damn Amy. I'm only hearing noises at the moment, she's probably getting over the phone, but I feel my heart start pawing more than normal. Why am I getting so nervous? It's not the first time I've talked to her, it'll never be. She'll pay for it. If I didn't call you directly there will be a reason.

_Um Chloe? Is that you?_

_Hey... Yes, it's me. Uhm-ah... How are you? Amy told me you don't want to eat.._

_Well... I'm fine, it's the food that's not fine._

I hear her puffing and I imagine how she's raising her eyes up right now. Beca's childish version is hard to handle.

_Beca, hold up, makes an effort. If you don't eat you'll need more time to recover._

_No. Pudding is awful._

_Beca. Come on. What happened to your badass reputation? Do you get squeamish in front of a pudding?_

I answer her with a firm and decisive tone. No sound comes from the other end of the phone except her breath. I'm not able to contain a smile because I know she's going to give in and agree with me, but she's still considering her options. Such a baby.

_Umff, okay. I'll try to taste it._

_Very well. You'll see that it's not as bad as you think._

I add giggling because it's as if in front of my eyes there was the image of Beca, who tries to open the pudding. Meanwhile, as I understand it, the phone is back in Amy's hands, or rather, I think she took it hard.

_Ginger, eventually you'll have to explain to me how the hell you can do it._

_Well... Let's just say I know which buttons to push._

I answer by raising my head to the sky and looking at a couple of birds that have settled on the branch of a tree near me. Luckily there's shade in this part of the garden, otherwise I'd have gotten sunshine by now.

_Oh yes, I know what else you want to push._

_AMY!_

_Okay okay, relax Ginger, there's no need to deny the evidence so much._

It's absurd. Simply absurd. I'd like to choke her right now.

_Anyway... I called you to find out how things were going there. Well... How is she doing? Will she be released today?_

I hear Amy taking a deep breath before she answers me. I don't think it's a good omen. She never takes deep breaths.

_Well, physically speaking, she has no bleeding anymore and things are fine. She had no complications these days and today they gave her discharge papers. They said she could go home…_

_Well, it's good, right?_

_Yes yes... It's just that she's still struggling to remember. The doctors said that maybe being in a family environment will speed up the recovery of memory, just as it might not happen... It's all subjective._

It might not happen. It's a scenario I don't want to take into consideration but unfortunately there is this possibility, and hearing it out loud just makes the situation worse. It's like a stab wound. There is always an opportunity to create new memories, that's true. But all that has been there? How can I get answers if she doesn't remember anything? Yes, we've already talked and she seems to have been sincere but I would have liked to have more talks with that version of Beca. Not with a clean slate.

_Hey Chloe, are you still there?_

_Um... Yes yes forgive me. I... I have to go now. Keep me updated._

_Okay..._

_Bye!_

I'm about to end the call when I hear Amy calling me from the other side.

_Chloe! Chlo!_

_Yeah?_

_That's it... If you can, if you have time, I know you'll be busy with the preparations but... She needs you. Memories won't come back alone if she isn't stimulated, and for once it's not a double meaning._

The usual. However, I won't interrupt her, it seems like she hasn't finished saying what she wanted.

_These two days, she's been asking about you. I don't know if she has any idea who you are, but she's been looking for you. You were both essential people in your lives, I think she wants to remember those moments. She has the right._

_I'm not sure how much good it can be for her to remember everything... About me, about us. Anyway... I'll try to visit her. Thanks for telling me, Amy._

_You're welcome. You're Beca and Chloe, together you're Bhloe. And everyone loves a good Bhloe. Give her a chance. See ya._

A chance. What chance is she talking about? I don't want to go into details, for now I want to remain ignorant. And then again with this sentence? I still remember the last year of college when we were in retreat and I argued with Beca. It almost sounds like a motto.

_Yeah... Bye Amy._

I close the call and stay and stare at the black screen on my phone for a few seconds. Beca asked for me. Why? Well, it's probably because I didn't visit her any more than the others, and she must have noticed. Yes, definitely because of that.

I feel steps coming from my back and I turn to understand who it is.

_Chloe._

_Hey, I'm sorry about before I-_

_Chloe, why did you act like this?_

I see Chicago widening his arms with an irritated act, pointing to the room from which I left a few minutes ago.

_Look, I know it's your friend, but she's famous. People will always talk about her. What do you care? She chose this life._

I immediately raise my head and realize that I have only now lowered it for a few moments. What do I care? Are you kidding me? It's Beca we're talking about, it's my girlfr- wowwow. Stop. Stop. She's your EX girlfriend. Ex. Don't forget Chloe. I can feel my cheeks burning and my heart beating fast, it's not good. Not at all. Chicago keeps looking at me annoyed by this whole thing while I'm rather shocked by what not even a second ago my brain has managed to process. I need to rest, it's definitely fatigue. Holy God.

_CK I.. Um, I know and I'm sorry. But it bothers me when people spit it out. And even more so when it comes to someone I know._

(A/N: I thought that CK should be a good diminutive for Chicago)

_I know babe, but we made a fool of ourselves with Jill. Luckily she didn't give us any weight and I managed to ease the tension once you left. Next time try not to take it too personally._

His voice now seems calmer, but simply because he wanted to emphasize his amazing ability to solve any kind of situation. Yeah, he's the perfect one. Too often. I decide to let it go and walk with him to the parking lot without saying a word. I just feel his arm ending up around my shoulder, it's a habit now. Except that now I'm not exactly in the mood for such effusions.

_Love, I'll take you home and then I'll go to the company. I have to finish a few things._

_Okay..._

I nod slightly not paying much attention to him. My gaze is fixed on the streets of LA that run fast in front of my eyes. Inevitably in my mind all the events that have followed one another in this hellish week, to say the least, emerge. Thinking back to the call I made earlier with Amy, it's strange to hear her talk seriously about Beca. This is the second time it's happened these days and I don't think I'll ever get used to such events.

¦**Flashback, Thursday night**¦

I haven't seen anyone in hours to catch up. I'm sitting on these damn chairs without knowing what the hell is going on in the operating room. The corridor is empty, sometimes a few nurses come by but I don't even pay attention to it anymore. It seems that nobody knows how to give me news. Damn it. I didn't know who to call this morning, what to say, I found myself lost. They left me Beca's personal belongings, her bag, her phone, everything. It's useless to say how many calls and messages she received during these hours. Her life has to be pretty stressful if her cell phone is clogged up like this every day. However, I did not allow myself to answer any of the calls. I don't have the right to do that in the end, and they were people I don't know. I also have her jeans jacket with me, she didn't wear it when she... When the ambulance arrived to pick her up. The nurses were kind enough to give it to me to prevent it from being lost. All I've done since I've been sitting here is hold it on my legs, tight, as if I was afraid to lose it. Yes, although I know it's not the jacket, it's her. It can't happen. She can't die- No. Don't even think that about Chloe. It's not an option.

I hear a noise, like a hiccup, but only after a few moments do I notice that I am alone and that hiccup belongs to me. I realize that fresh silent tears are streaking my face, as if I hadn't already cried enough in these hours.

Fortunately no one passes by, I don't want to give explanations, even if in a place like this I would say that there are very few explanations to give. I automatically bring a hand to the lips to prevent hiccups from making more noise than they should be and to avoid attracting attention. I feel the vibration of a phone, and after sweeping a few tears out of my eyes with the palm of my hand, I check if it's mine. Nothing, no notification. I recover Beca's from her jacket pocket and notice how Amy's smiling face lights up intermittently. She's calling her. Maybe I could answer, warn her I'm here. She has always been close to Beca, she has a right to know. I accept the call but I don't even have time to talk about Amy clashing my ears with her voice. How is that possible?

S_hawshaaank, how are you? I'm at Viper's thinking you were there tonight, or so the poster said. Are you all right? Are you coming?_

Only now do I realize that in the background I can hear the deafening music of the disco, one of the most famous in LA, or so they say. However, I can't hold back another hiccups thinking that if it weren't for the whole thing between me and her, she would be working now and wouldn't be on an operating bed.

_Beca? Are you okay? Has something happened?_

I notice how Amy's voice has changed and is full of concern now. I just wish I had more voice so I could talk better but I have a knot in my throat that doesn't want to go away at all.

_Amy..._

_CHLOE? Is that you? Why are you answering Beca's phone? Are you with her?_

_Yes, that's me. Um... Amy, can you join me at the hospital? Beca..._

I hear Amy gasping alarmed by what I just told her. Who wouldn't be? I can only hear noises, as if she was running and for Amy the vertical race is more unique than rare. The music is now gone as a background and I hear the typical alarm that notifies the opening of the car.

_Chloe, I'm coming. 5 minutes and there I am._

I drop my arm on my legs with Beca's phone still in my hand. It's exhausting to wait, not to know anything. Being in the dark about everything. All I've been doing lately is finding myself in this situation, and it's irritating. I lift my head slightly and I lean it against the wall, closing my eyes. Some tears still escape, but fortunately there are no others following them. I just wish it were a bad dream. That now reopens my eyes and everything that has happened has been only the result of my imagination. That nothing has happened. That's the beauty of dreams, or at least the ugly ones. You know that once I wake up nothing happened in real life and you can continue your life quietly. But for my misfortune, that's not the case. Not only mine, but Beca's too. Especially for her. God, they're doing a brain surgery on her, they're not taking off a fistula. If she doesn't make it?

What do I do? How do I behave? What will happen? Just thinking, I feel a hole in my chest as if I had been shot, and it has nothing to do with what I felt when we broke up. It's a thousand times worse. I can't think negative, I don't have to. She'll be fine.

I hear the footsteps of someone approaching in the distance, but I don't really notice. It's going to be someone else who's passing through here without any information for me. Only when I hear my name screamed out but in a low voice, I open my eyes and turn my head to be able to see who it was.

_Chloe! What the hell happened? What are you doing here? Beca?_

Amy is heading towards me with her breath and arms outstretched to greet me. I automatically get up and hug briefly and then sit down in those damn chairs that will surely have witnessed so many situations like ours.

_I..._

I feel the knot in my throat reforming and making me difficult to talk. I can see how her eyes are wide open and full of worry, anxiety, fear. I can't help but lower my head because I can't support her gaze. If Beca felt bad, it's also because of me, if not just because of me.

_Chloe? What happened to Beca?_

I've never heard Amy so damn serious, and I don't deny that I also have a little fear. I don't know how she would react.

_Amy...well... This morning Beca was sick and not recovering, so I called 911 and they intubated her, brought her here in an emergency and..._

_And? Where is she now?_

I look up and notice how her complexion, although already very clear, is now more bleached. I bring a hand to my forehead and close my eyes for a moment, I never liked to be a messenger of bad news. It's not really suitable for me, because then I burst out crying and I can't talk anymore, and now I'm already making a big effort to hold myself back.

_She's in the operating room. She is being operated on in her brain, as far as I was told hours ago she suffered a serious bleed..._

If it were possible, Amy's eyes opened even wider, but what amazes me is not that, but her sudden embrace that catches me totally lost. I'm sure she has imagined what I've been through in the last few hours and I'm thankful that she has arrived right away.

_Chloe, how are you? Why didn't you tell me before?_

_I... I don't know how I feel. I don't know anything right now and nobody comes to give me news._

I answer you with a broken voice, on the verge of tears. A new hiccup goes up my throat and unfortunately I can't hold it back. I raise my eyes to the ceiling trying to calm down and keep talking, but it's harder than it looks.

_I didn't warn anyone because I was too shocked and couldn't do anything but sit here and wait._

I add by drawing my attention back to Beca's jacket by tracing invisible circles on the fabric.

_Okay okay... I get it._

She responds by bringing her hand behind my shoulder, caressing it slightly in an attempt to calm me down. My heart didn't stop for a second from beating fast, I think it will break my chest if it continues like this.

_Everything will be fine, Chloe. Don't worry, it's Beca fucking Mitchell. Not even a drill in the skull will stop her._

A hinted smile rises on my face but I don't answer. I don't have any more words, I don't know what to say, I feel almost exhausted. I see Amy resting her things on the chair next to her and positioning herself better on her armchair staring at an indefinite point in front of her.

_Um... What happened between you and her, Ginger? If you don't want to answer me, I understand, but it seems strange to me that you are here and not someone else._

I knew this question would come up, and I honestly don't know if I want to answer it. I don't know how much she knows about Beca's life, what happened, and I don't want to violate her privacy so suddenly.

_Actually, Amy.. I don't know if I can tell you..._

_You went to the interrogation this morning, too, isn't it?_

Wait. What?

_How do you know? I mean, you? Beca has told-, how?_

I can't hide the fact that I'm very surprised that she's aware of the interrogation, and she'll certainly know about the whole story as well. What I don't understand is why.

_She told me about Sabrina years ago, when I came to LA too. She told me everything she had spent in her childhood, in New York... And on Tuesday she explained to me the whole question of the reopening of the case and that maybe today you would have gone there too._

So she told her about me, about us, about how we broke up. I was convinced that she hadn't talked to anyone about it, knowing her. Amy never told me, thinking about it she never asked for explanations about our breakup. The Bellas know the story in general terms, let's say my version at least. I never went into details, I always said it didn't work anymore and so we broke up. Only Aubrey knew everything, and now it seems Amy did too.

_Amy... Why... Why didn't you ever ask me for anything? If you knew how things went, why didn't you ever call me?_

I ask her with a little disappointment in my voice. I would have done it in her place, we shared a home for years, she is like a sister to me.

_Well. Because I really knew how things had gone and I was so angry with you that I couldn't even think of talking to you without wanting to choke you._

She responds with a little laughter to relieve the normal tension that has been created between us. The break between Beca and me wasn't limited to the two of us, but it inevitably influenced the whole group as well and it's still a pretty sensitive topic to discuss apparently. There are moments of silence and neither of them seems to be going to break it, it can only hear the ticking of the wall clock that is in the middle of the corridor.

_Chloe... I just didn't understand how you could be so blind... Beca would never do that to you. Never._

I turn my head slightly towards her because I didn't expect such a statement. She thinks I was blind, but I saw what Beca was doing at the time, her absence, and I don't know if she can figure it out. A few hours ago Beca told me that everything she did did was to protect me, but I can't believe it, it's really hard to convince myself of these things after more than 2 years now. I can't trust her.

_I... I'm sorry for the way things have gone between me and her and now... Now I can hardly believe her truth._

_I know it's not easy at all, I imagine she dropped a hand grenade with the whole question of Sabrina and why she acted like that in New York. But I just ask you to think about it, try to think about it and see for yourself. You'll understand everything._

I would say that a hand grenade is a euphemism. It was more of a nuclear disaster. Details.

_I don't know, Amy. It's so complicated._

_It's not really complicated. You just need to have the courage to admit to yourself what you are most afraid of. Isn't that right?_

Turn her head to meet my gaze and I can see how tremendously serious she is. Admit something I'm afraid of. What? What does that mean? In my mind, thoughts spring up against my will, that I didn't even know could come out of, and I have a feeling that Amy has hit the ground running. It can't be like that. It doesn't have to be like that. I've moved on, our lives have moved on. We can't go back. I'm staring at her without saying anything, I don't even know how to fight back. How can she be so wise?

_I know how this whole story will end, I just hope that both of you will be able to understand it as soon as possible._

She pats me on the leg with a reassuring way and turns a half smile on me. I seem to have fallen into a trance state, I can't get Amy's words from a few moments ago out of my head.

_I'm gonna go get something from the vending machine. All this anxiety has made me hungry. Want something?_

I see her getting up and getting her wallet out of her bag. I follow her with my eyes and deny with my head without saying a word.

_Okay, I'll be right there._

She moves away quickly and the silence falls again in the corridor. Unfortunately only in the corridor, because a revolution is happening in my head.

What will happen, Beca?

¦**End of Flashback**¦

_**Hi folks! Hope that you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know what do you think. Thank to each one who is reading my story. You're precious. Thank you!**_


	14. Chapter 14

**~ It was (not) only Just a dream (1/2)~**

_**A/N: A loooot of drama. Fasten your seatbealts. It's a very long chapter, forgive me.  
**_

Pov Beca

It's been 2 days since I left the hospital and finally I can enjoy the comfort of my beloved bed. God, that's something I wouldn't change for the world. There is nothing more beautiful than going back to sleep in your own room, on your own pillow, it is therapeutic, I could bet on it. Fortunately, these days my memory has decided to make me the immense pleasure of leaving the holiday period, in which she had improperly put on, taking back what I could not remember. Or at least a part. There are some dark spots that I still can't recover, I hope I can make it as soon as possible. I can't stand the idea of having my mind as if it had just passed under a perforator, it's feeling like a puzzle with missing pieces. You know they're in the box but you can't get them in yet. What a nerve.

I've talked a lot with Blake these days and she's been updating me on the whole media situation that has come about because of my illness. It seems that someone near the bar where I felt bad, recognized me and took pictures, or a video, not that I care. All I know is that once I got home my mailbox was full of letters from fans, not to mention the porch that looks like it's become a flower shop. I am impressed by how much affection I am receiving, how many messages, I am speechless.

Some of my fans have written me such personal things, unhappy moments that they have also spent to show me that I'm not alone and probably to feel a little closer to me. They are precious and without them I would never have been able to win a platinum. In this week I would have had to do several interviews for -I don't know- how many newspapers, go on the radio for others, and I can hardly believe they invited me to a television show. Me? On television? Are you kidding? I'm more and more shocked by what the media do, it seems as if once you enter this world, the flow drags so quickly that you do not realize where you got. And that's just the beginning. Blake's work has been masterful, I knew I had the best manager of all but with all that has happened she has proved to be nothing short of fantastic. No one ever bothered me in the hospital, even when I was discharged, no paparazzi, no inappropriate journalist, nothing. And I don't think I can ever thank her enough for what she did. I should give her an extra week's holiday, probably.

_Yeah, okay, John, Friday. 9:00 am. Okay. Bye._

Speaking of the devil, I see Blake reaching me in the living room and falling in not gently way on the couch next to me, leaning her head against the backrest.

_You know, sometimes you're as delicate as a rhino._

_You're lucky, It's just for a few._

I roll my eyes, noticing Blake's smug smile with the tail of my eye as she eats her abandoned chips on the coffee table a few minutes ago. She had left to answer a call and I had kicked her out with little grace because she was distracting me from the TV program whose name I don't even know. But it's interesting, they show how the most absurd things are done. Like dental floss. Who the hell thinks about that? It's a totally useless thing to know, I admit. The worst thing, though, is that you feel so ignorant when you see certain programs.

_So you, obsessed little bitch with meaningless programs, Friday morning at 9 am, are busy._

_What do you mean?_

I turn slightly to the blonde giraffe and take my attention off the TV for a moment. What means I'm busy? Plus it didn't seem like a question, but more like an imposition.

_You have a radio interview. It's time to introduce yourself more openly to the world and they know you're recording your first album, so I guess they'll ask you questions about that too._

_"Also"? What else do they have to ask me questions about?_

I'm not good at these things, I get bogged down, I start to stutter and I can't say sentences of complete meaning. What should I say? What kind of questions will they be? Personal? What if I go into too much detail? I'll give bread for the teeth of those hungry gossip journalists from all over Los Angeles. For God's sake, it's so hard.

_Beca, it will be an interview about you. About what you do, who you are, what you've been through and there will be questions about your private life certainly since all that has happened these days._

I don't know if I'm ready for such a situation. I'm not able to talk about myself with anyone and face an interview, in which they can ask me for details of my life, I don't think I can handle it. I just hope I don't screw it up. Surely Blake will have noticed my upset and in fact I see her positioning better on the couch and turning towards me by putting a leg under her ass and carrying her arm on the backrest in order to rest her head on it.

_My advice is to not to expose yourself totally to them, they may be very impertinent. You always try to smile and be nice even if it could be a challenge for you._

_Bitch!_

I slapped her on the left arm while she couldn't hold back a little laughter involving me too. She's a real bitch when she commits.

_Will you come with me?_

_You can bet your pretty skinny ass, DJ._

_Hey! My ass is more than decent. Not everyone was born with the perfect Lively' genes._

I can't imagine when she'll start procreating with Ryan. They will colonize the world with a host of creepily perfect human beings.

_Blah blah yeah, whatever. The interview will also be broadcast on TV channel and be in streaming, so you'll start with a bang._

For a moment I went back to focusing on the TV show thinking that the conversation was over there, but I didn't expect such news. I turn my head towards Blake and my eyes almost come out of my orbits. Streaming? On TV? Whaaat?

_Really? They will.. Will see me on air?_

I ask her with a thread of incredulous voice of what I will have to participate in Friday.

_Well yes Becs, that's how it works now. Start getting used to this kind of situation, the more you go on, the higher you go up. You'll have to overcome the fear of showing yourself to the public, it's your life._

_I know, it's that.. I think it will be difficult. Not that I'm sorry, I'm not complaining. It's just that I've spent my whole life in the shadows. It will be difficult to get used to being in the spotlight._

I answer by playing with the rings on the fingers of my left hand without looking up for a second. The silence in the room has fallen and at the moment I can only feel my manager's eyes pointing at me, and I think that in a while she will make a hole in my head, if she continues like that. I hear her taking a short breath before she opens her mouth, she obviously doesn't know how to handle my insecurity, and how not to blame her. I don't know how to do it either.

_Look, I don't want to bore you, I know that I can be a pain in the ass with all these parano-_

_Beca._

_You do a great job, and I'm more than happy with the opportunities you can always find for me a-_

_Beca._

_And I guess you're tired after a day's work and stay and listen to my bullshit definitely wors-_

_BECA FOR GOD'S SAKE! CUT IT OFF!_

I lift my eyes wide open in a terrified way, realizing only now the utterly useless claptrap suggested by the automatic mode of my brain. I stare at Blake in silence waiting for her to speak, noting how in the meantime she is pinching the space between the two eyebrows and the nose, obviously tired. At least I was right about one thing.

_Beca. I understand your anxiety, your fears, everything. But you must never let them take over you. Not always at least. It's a great challenge that you've taken on, but know that if you don't start believing in yourself, you'll be the first to end your career._

I see her getting up from the couch and retrieving her jacket and phone from the coffee table in front of us. I don't answer her because she's right. I can't panic about something as simple as an interview. I can't expect anyone to believe in me if I'm not the first to do so. I have to learn to have more confidence in myself, in what I am, in what I have been through, if I want to have the chance to pass something on to others. It's what I want, and it's going to be complicated, but in the end I want to be able to say that it's worth it. Blake was tough but she got right to the point. As always.

I follow her with my eyes as she approaches the front door and stops a few moments before opening it.

_Ah Beca, you don't have to get used to being in the spotlight. You don't need it. You already shine with your own light. You just have to figure it out._

She tells me by winking at me and smiling as I see her go away and close the door behind her. I'm amazed, I certainly didn't imagine an exit of scene like that, but you can expect this and more from Blake. She really knows how to put reality in your face but she still manages to underline how surprisingly unique someone is in his being, thus raising the mood. If it weren't for all her motivational speeches, her earfuls and her closeness, I think I would have struggled much harder to reach the level of self-esteem I have now, which though very discreet, is still something.

I realize that I am staring at the entrance door without any reason and I immediately shake my head to be able to get out of the brief moment of trance.

I feel the tiredness coming although it is only 5 pm, but I think it is still the residue of convalescence due to surgery. Well, they also pierced my skull, I think it is normal that my body still suffers. I recover the blanket from the back of the sofa and when I lay down I decide to turn off the TV so that I can rest better. Irrevocably my eyes stick to the ceiling and as if I had a projector in the middle of my head, in front of me are presented all the images of what has happened these days, the memory gaps filled regarding my work, my life here in LA. I just feel that I still have some gaps, some big black holes that I can't fill. I just wish I could be a PC and insert an external hard disk to remember everything. It would be much easier. I have the impression that what I don't remember is an important thing, as if it had been a decisive event in my life.

Damn it.

Not to mention the beautiful ocean eyes that I can't get out of my mind from the day I woke up. She hasn't come to see me since, although I've asked for her several times, no one has ever been able to answer me. I'm sure that Chloe and I have a different relationship than normal, I feel it inside, but I would like to know what it is, what it is about. I know for sure that I like her, a lot, and I have the feeling that it is an old, deep-rooted feeling. However, I couldn't talk to her and I didn't feel like asking someone else about something so personal. I could be wrong, and all I feel is just suggestion. Her beauty is almost intimidating, how can she not be like? It's beautiful, a perfect creature. I just wish I could have a few more moments with her, to understand what we were. To get to know her, to talk. But I didn't want to disturb, if she didn't show up it's because she's obviously busy and doesn't have time to waste with me. In the end, I don't even know if we're as bond as I think we are.

I close my eyes so that I can concentrate and try to remember every little detail of her face, her body, and her hands that were holding me last Thursday. She was so beautiful. 

~ 30 minutes later ~

I hear the phone vibrate in my hand, interrupting the short sleep I had fallen into. Hell, you can't even sleep in peace. I open my eyes slowly and feel a stabbing pain in my back perhaps due to the sofa or the position, I did not remember it so uncomfortable. I have the strange feeling that there is something wrong, but I can not understand what, and most of all, why do they make all this mess out on the street? I sit at the couch slowly and then get up and approach the window to understand what's going on, I just wanted to sleep. A yawn escapes from my mouth and I carry my palm of my hand to cover it while I stretch my other arm upwards to extend my back. What a pain, for God's sake. When I get to the window I just move the curtain that covers it but what I see is not what I expected. I am surrounded by skyscrapers, I see the smoke coming from the columns planted in the asphalt and taxis passing as arrows in the street. My neighborhood has no huge buildings, nor smoke that escapes from the asphalt. That's not LA, it's.. New York?!

I turn around with my eyes and my mouth wide open for the observation that just passed through my brain. What the fuck am I doing in New York? I look around and notice how the apartment is no longer mine, it's smaller, and dirtier and with a kitchen that I don't know how it can keep itself standing. But the most shocking thing is that in the middle of the room, there's a sofa, and on that sofa, there's me?! She also has her cell phone in her hand, just like me two minutes ago. What the fuck?

**Pov Beca of more of 2 years ago - New York**

Brrr Brrr, Brrr Brrrrrr

_What the hell?!_

I open my eye a little so that I can understand where this noise comes from, realizing only now that it's my mobile phone that keeps ringing. As soon as I read the name that lights up intermittently on the screen, my eyes are wide open and I sit on the couch, carrying a hand through my hair, not knowing whether to take the call or not. Shit I have to answer, I can not fail to do so. I'm about to crawl on the green button but as soon as I place my finger on the iPhone the vibration stops.

_Shit._

Chloe will kill me. I no longer know how to hide this situation. I don't know how to lie anymore, what excuses to find, even if it's to protect her. She won't believe the story of stressful work anymore, of "it's okay, love, don't worry", I know it won't last much longer. I spend more time outside home than with Chloe, in the morning in the studio, in the afternoon looking for a job for Sabrina, a way to rebuild her life, if all goes well I come home late at night and I can spend some time with my girlfriend, but now there are more times that we remain silent than the others in which we talk. It's as if the relationship is getting cold and there's no worse for two people who love each other. I know it's not right to keep her in the dark about such a complicated situation, but for this reason I don't want to involve her, I don't want anything to happen to her, especially now that they have understood where Sabrina lives and what places she frequents. That's unscrupulous people, and Chloe will never have to be related to all of this, ever. I couldn't forgive myself, not even in a second life.

Moreover, I never told her about what I went through during my childhood, my adolescence and I never told her about Sabrina. What she was for me. I didn't do it not because I don't think she would understand me, but because it's simply a still very painful key to my life and I have difficulty talking about it. Even with her, maybe especially with her. I don't want her to see me with other eyes, with compassion, with pity. Chloe's love is the most precious thing I have in the world, and I don't want it to be diluted with feelings of charity towards me. I don't need this, nor have I ever needed it. I just wish I hadn't fallen into this situation, but I couldn't turn my back on the person who was my family for many years in the orphanage. I can't betray her trust. I just hope that it will be resolved as soon as possible.

I've received about 20 messages from Chloe, and almost the same number of calls. I'm in a sea of shit. What the fuck do I tell her now?

**Chloe ❤️ 8.30 pm**

_Babe, where are you? What time are you coming back?_

**Chloe ❤️ 9.15 pm**

_Hey, you all right? Are you late again today?_

**Chloe ❤️ 10.00 pm**

_Beca, at least answer me, please._

**Chloe ❤️ 10.45 pm**

_Beca, where are you? If you want, I'll pick you up from the studio so you don't come back alone._

**Chloe ❤️ 11.30 pm**

_No one's answering your office. What happened to you? Beca. Answer._

She kept sending me messages all night, until this morning at 4:00 a.m. She could have fallen asleep for a few hours, she must have been dying of fear. I'm a dumbass, I didn't hear my cell phone at all and I fell asleep because I was tired. It was a difficult evening yesterday, the old 'boss' of Sabrina found her, knows where she is and since yesterday she's desperate. She's locked herself up in the house and I don't think she'll ever leave. I've never seen her so scared, in fact I didn't even think she could be since her attitude "I don't give a shit about anything and nobody". Obviously that's not the case, you never end up knowing people. I've been with her since late yesterday afternoon, she called me in tears and I joined her immediately. I had no way to contact anyone, I was all the time to reassure Sabrina and figure out how to get out of this situation. I spent the night here, it's the first time I haven't come home and I can't imagine what to expect when I get here. The fourth grade grilling. I would have much rather slept in my bed, with my girlfriend, than on this sofa that seems to be made of stone. But I couldn't leave her alone, not last night at least.

I hear steps coming from the next room and I see Sabrina coming out in the kitchen with a face that is anything but rested. It seems as if she had just been hit by a train. I no longer know how to help her, what to do. All I know is that I have to go home and call Chloe.

_Hey._

She doesn't answer, just throws me a half-biased smile that doesn't last even a second while she's making coffee.

_Listen.. I have to.. I have to go home._

I see her nodding while I retrieve my jacket and bag and I turn to the door. Has she gone into selective mutism? What the hell is wrong with her?

_Uh-huh. Then I'm going. See you, okay?_

_Okay..._

_Bye._

I approach her to give her a quick hug and then I go away at a fast pace with the only goal of returning home as quickly as possible. I close the front door of the building behind me and start running to get home. Luckily it's not far from my apartment so I should run 15/20 minutes to get there. I try to call Chloe several times, but now she's not answering. Maybe she fell asleep again, or she didn't hear her phone. I just want to hug her and tell her how much I love her, how much I miss her and I wish I could tell her everything. Damn it. It has also started to rain and I am without an umbrella, very well. I'll get home like a sponge. I'll also have to take a shower, holy God.

I hear the phone vibrate to indicate the arrival of a message. I retrieve it from my jacket pocket and I notice that it's not Chloe, but Sabrina. I couldn't save her on the phone with her name because she didn't want her identity to be discovered by anyone, in fact wherever we went she never gave her name, but Tracy. I never understood the need not to save her by her real name in my address book, but I never wanted to insist. It doesn't change anything for me in the end.

**Tracy 7 am**

_Thank you, Beca. Without you, I wouldn't know how to do it. I hope this situation is not giving you any trouble with your girlfriend._

All she does is thank me all the time, through messages, when we see each other, and honestly I never expected such gratitude from a girl like her. Not out loud at least. Probably over the years she has changed, she is no longer the stubborn and overbearing young girl, I think she has learned what is respect and gratitude, although the reality she has attended in recent years does not follow exactly these values. I don't know how she could get into that business, how she was so stupid as to fall into it. "It was the easiest way to survive". That's the reason she gave me when we first met here in New York, but I can't accept it. That's not reasonable. But it's not for me to judge fortunately, everyone makes their own choices. Now she's paying for hers.

I decide not to answer her, not now at least. I put my cell phone in my back pocket and start running again.

In the distance I can see the building of my apartment and I automatically increase the speed to get there first. I should have taken Stacie's advice on physical activity seriously, and she also has her own gym. I think I'm losing a lung, or about half of it. What a pain in my side, for God's sake. When you make too much physical effort suddenly and quickly this pain breaks out. It's the spleen, isn't it? So they say at least. Finally I got to my door and once I get the keys out of my jacket and get inside, I'm sheltered from the rain. It's absurd that within 2 seconds a downpour like this started. I have all my clothes dripping, not to mention my hair. I did a free shampoo on the way.

I climb the steps two by two to reach the 2nd floor as quickly as possible and I can already feel my heart pounding in my chest. I'm more than sure that for the 98% I'm gonna have a heart attack, but for the remaining 2% I think I can attribute to the anxiety to find Chloe on the other side of the door. I insert the key into the lock and I snap it into the small apartment.

_Beca!_

I see Chloe getting up from the table chair and walks towards me while I stand still for a moment looking into her eyes. She is beautiful, and she is also clearly worried.

_Hey._

That's the only thing I can say now because I still have a lot of breath to catch up on and I think my lungs are burning right now. I feel my ribcage going up and down in a more pronounced way than usual, and I can't help but feel the many drops of water falling down my back causing me to chill.

_Beca, are you okay? You're soaked._

_Um, yeah.. It rains a lot outside and... And I didn't have an umbrella._

I say to her by taking a breath between one sentence and the next and moving my hair totally sticking to the forehead as far as it's wet. She doesn't answer me, she stays still a few steps away to observe me. I don't know what's going through her mind but from her eyes I can understand that she's angry, disappointed, maybe even scared about what happened. I don't like when she doesn't talk to me, when she prefers silence rather than confrontation and I would really like to explain everything to her, but I don't know what the hell to say. What a shitty situation Beca.

Without realizing it, I created a puddle around me on the floor of my house and a sneeze that seemed more like a shot, just abandoned my nose, followed by several in a fraction of a second. God, I just hope I didn't get cold.

_Maybe you should go take a shower. You'll catch a cold if you stay like that._

_Yeah... I'll be right here in a minute._

I feel my eyes watery for all the sneezing I just did and I move slowly to the bathroom, throwing my cell phone on the bed and leaving my bag at the foot of the table. My shoes are water soups, needless to describe the noise they make at every step I take. I'm a drop of water that walks.

I hang my wet clothes on the stand that divides Amy's bed from ours, being careful to squeeze as much as possible on one side, the clean clothes so as not to wet them. In all this, I feel Chloe's eyes burning on me but she doesn't breath, she doesn't speak a word and I can't help but deduce that it's a bad sign. A long chat will be waiting for me in a few minutes. After undressing myself, I plunge into the shower under the jet of hot water that carries with it all the cold taken this morning. I would also like it to take away the worries and anxieties of this period, but unfortunately it is not possible. I don't know how much more I'll be able to hold on, I'll have to talk to Sabrina and tell her that I can no longer have a double life in which I'm the shoulder on which to lean every day. I don't mind having found her again, but I would have much preferred other situations, more pleasant and less complicated.

I don't know how long I stay under the hot water with my eyes closed, but I don't think there's a better feeling. It's relaxing and I can't imagine how much more relaxing it is in a bathtub. God, it would be the best right now, with Chloe, the candles all around and the foam that serves as our blanket. I'll have to do that sooner or later.

I decide to close the water and get out of the shower. I can't stay in here forever and I'll have to deal with the subject 'last night' sooner or later. Better now than later. I get dressed quickly and my hair is brushed with a towel as I leave the bathroom to get back to Chloe.

What I see in front of me, however, is not what I would have imagined. You don't know what it means to feel lost and helpless until you see the person you love most in the world with tears in your eyes and a hand on your mouth to hold back the hiccups. The heartbeat increases, the hands begin to tremble and the mind becomes blurred, it doesn't reason. And you can do two things, or go and moving closer to her or get immobilized, not knowing what to do. And at this moment I have my feet planted in the floor because I know almost for sure that from here, in a few seconds, something unpleasant will happen, something like the storm beating against the windows, violent. However, I try to get closer to her, bringing one hand forward to reach her shoulder and turn her around, but she seems to have noticed my presence only now and raises her head looking at me.

_Don't touch me!_

What does that mean? Why? I can't help but look at her eyes like that. It seems as if all the immensity that was contained in them has been reduced to nothing, empty.

_Chlo..._

_Where were you last night?_

Here's the million-dollar question. What the hell do I tell her? Damn it. You're screwed, Beca.

_Ehm..I.. I fell asleep in the studio and I didn't hear my phone... Sorry I didn't warn you._

I try to tell her as convincing as possible, but I strongly doubt that she believes it. She stares at me with an indecipherable, unrecognizable, broken look. I don't know how a broken look can be, but maybe it's not that, but something else, deeper and more fragile. She lets slip a slight incredulous laugh that is swept away by the tremor of the lip due to crying.

_Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I don't understand what's going on? Every evening late at home, the excuses you make up to avoid talking, your hedge behaviour, "no love is all right, it's work". The scent that you wear every fucking day when you come back. What the fuck are you doing Beca?_

I opened my eyes wide because I didn't imagine such a reaction, such a fast and dramatic evolution of the situation. As she pronounced those words, her voice rises by an extra decibel almost to the point of screaming. I don't even have the time to open my mouth, and I see her going back to rage against me, realizing only now that she has my phone in her hand. Oh, shit.

_And last night you didn't come back at all, you didn't answer any of my calls, my messages and now you've came up with the excuse that you were in the recording studio. Who you think you're kidding? How long has this been going on? Who the fuck is Tracy?_

I can feel my breath cut in my throat while I see her throw her phone on the bed with violence. If it were even more possible, my eyes open wide so much that they could fall from the orbits. Does she think I have an affaire with Sabrina? What the hell is she saying? How can she think of such a thing? Oh, my God. I try to say a word but nothing comes out of my throat, my eyes are fixed in Chloe's eyes, red, full of tears, dull. Silence reigns at home, if you listen well you can only hear the beats of our hearts that seem to paw so much as if they wanted to reach each other, while our bodies remain still.

_Get out of here. I don't want to see you again. You have to disappear._

Boom. The first crack.

_No, Chloe, I- I can explain.. It's not what you think, it's.. It's complicated..._

_Complicated? To me it seems more than simple instead, Beca! And all those messages she sent you, "thank you, without you I wouldn't know what to do!", "I hope this situation won't cause you problems with your girlfriend", "I only have you now", "please let's see each other today". What the fuck are you talking about? Isn't that what I think it is? It's exactly what I think it is._

I don't think I know how to breathe anymore.

_And I saw you Beca, I thought it wasn't you, but I saw you. With her, at Joe's bar, with her head on your shoulder, you so close to her. I thought it wasn't you, I thought I saw it wrong, but now it all makes more sense._

If it's a bad dream, please wake me up.

_You've been filling me with lies all this time, and I'm sick and tired of it. Pack your bags and go, get out of my sight. I don't want to hear you, I don't want to see you, just go away._

Somebody must have shot me in the chest, because I can't feel my heart beating anymore. She thinks I cheated on her. Cheating. Me. On her. I think I feel bad, my head turns like a spinning top, but I don't think it's time to faint. My mind is blacked out. She's chasing me away, she wants me to go away, she thinks I did something so horrible to her. Oh, my God. What did I do? You're an asshole Beca. She's been reading your messages, going through your cell phone, and as much as it makes me beast like something right now, I can imagine the reasons why she's gone so far. Chloe isn't like that, she doesn't peek into other people's things, she trusts them. She is the person who believes in others from the very first moment. She's gold. How much pain did I give you to make you act like that? What have I done to you? It can't end like this, it doesn't have to be like this.

_Chloe... Listen please-_

_Get out of here! I don't want to see you, get out! I won't believe half a word you're going to say, it'll be another excuse and I'm tired. Go away._

She screams at me loudly with her face flooded with tears, red and her neck veins more swollen than normal. She's unrecognizable, and I'm the cause of it all. She's begging me to leave and what scares me is that her voice is firmer than ever. She really wants it. I feel warm and silent tears falling and ploughing through my cheeks, I don't control them, I don't even know how to stop them. All I know is that my body is still standing, but my heart has plunged into a deep, black abyss.

_Chloe, please... Don't send me away._

I add them with a thread of voice, I don't know how it happened but I think that the responsibility lies with despair.

_Beca, I said go away. Today I'm going to Vet school, and I'm going to stay away all day, come back here and take all your things, and then go. I don't want to see you when I get back. I could slap you for how I'm angry right now. And as much as I really want to slap you, I could never hurt you. Which you haven't thought twice about doing. So, I think there's nothing else to say, just go._

I see her approaching the door and opening it to make a sign to leave. In her eyes there is anger, disappointment, sadness, bitterness and love. A love that I have lost, that I have broken, shattered. How could I have been so stupid? I know that now trying to explain everything would be useless, she would not listen to me. She wouldn't believe in anything. And I can't blame her, I've been a blessed asshole. So I decide to do as she wants and I slowly approach the door stopping a few moments so that I can look at the love of my life for one last time. She is the most perfect being that exists. God, I would like to hold her to me and kiss her and dry all those tears from her face. Her head is low and I don't think she's going to look at me, not now at least. I turn around and move backwards to the door only to see how she was actually waiting for nothing else to bang it so hard, I don't know how it still holds up to the doorpost. I can hear her loud and noisy hiccups on the other side and I automatically put my head and palms on the door so that I can somehow be as close as possible to her. How did I get to all this? How did we get to this? That I'll be jiggered, it's all my fault.

_It's all my fault..._

It's barely audible, but it echoes inside me like the desert. I'm deserted and nomadic at the same time. Desert because I'm empty, dry, there's nothing left. Nomad because without a home anymore. And my home was Chloe. Tears keep coming down and they don't seem to want to stop. Whether they fall as much as they want, with the rain outside it won't make any difference in a while. I'll be back tonight, and I hope she'll listen to me. It's not what it looks like. 

_In the evening_

I've been wandering around New York all day, I didn't go to work, I didn't answer any of Sabrina's calls, I didn't do anything. I walked aimlessly, ceaselessly, trying to find myself, to find us in every corner of the street, on a bench, to recover those little fragments of joy left in the places where I spent the best time of my life, here, with her. I want to believe that when you live a moment of happiness with someone, or alone, the place where you are, absorbs a little 'of that magic, and keep it as a treasure that only those who belong can find it. It is as if a piece of one's soul were left on the street, as if it were used in cases of emergency to recover, to return to those moments when it was intact, to relive even for a single moment, what it meant to have the heart full of joy, of pure love. But they are precious elements, and they are not recyclable. Disposable. If you have a broken heart, you can recover them once, they soothe the cracks, but after that, recovering them again can become a torment.

My feet are tired, my legs are broken and my eyes are irritated by how much I cried, but I don't care. I hurt the only person who ever really cared about me, who loved me from the first moment she saw me. Can you be crazier than that? Why do we always hurt the people you care about the most? I never understood it, I didn't think it was possible, but instead. I am living proof of that. This morning I was supposed to pack up and take everything from home, but I didn't. I can't let it end like this, I can't not explain everything. She has to know. It will be difficult, but I have to try. I just hope she'll listen to me. I get the phone out of my jacket and decide to send a message to Sabrina, I have to warn her and tell her I'm done.

**Me 7.30 pm**

_I have to talk to Chloe about everything. I can't hide anymore. Hope you'll understand._

It's not the best of the messages, but I think it's direct and concise. I'm not waiting for her permission to talk to Chloe about it, but at least she should be informed, it's about her and her whole story. I decide to turn off the phone, I'm sure she will call me for explanations but at the moment I don't want to give them to her, I don't want to talk to anyone but Chloe, my Chloe.

I find myself in front of my building and I can't help but notice the bright light in our apartment. She is there and I hope to be able to resolve this whole matter. I enter the door and climb the stairs slowly with my heart in my throat and my breath short, my legs soft and my head empty. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what might happen, I don't want to lose her. I can't. I reach my floor and approach the door finding boxes, two open suitcases and clothes scattered throughout the floor. That's my stuff. She threw out my stuff. I already feel my eyes watery and a few tears falling on my face, I think that furrows will form after today. With a trembling hand I try to insert the key into the keyhole of the lock but it doesn't go, it doesn't go in. Maybe I'll have put it backwards. I try again but nothing. Once again. Nothing. Only now do I realize that the cylinder is much more polished than it was, and that means only one thing. She changed the lock to keep me out. Has she come this far? She didn't even want to talk to me. My God, what have I done?

I'm starting to slam my hand on the door so she can open up. I can't wait any longer.

_Chloe, I know you're there. Open it._

I'm still beating, not loud, not slow, I want her to hear me but not to be afraid.

_Chloe, please._

I have never begged anyone in my life, but with her and for her I would do anything. We can't just leave each other. She has to know. It's all a misunderstanding. After a few moments I hear the lock snap and the door open and release a brief sigh of 'relief', if you may say so, but what I see I should have imagined it.

Aubrey.

In front of me, with her arms crossed and the gaze of those who would like to kill someone, and in this case it's me. If she could zap me instantly, I doubt she would think twice. I don't say anything, I just try to overtake her and get closer to Chloe but she's worse than a hound, a bodyguard, a wall. She constantly interposes herself between me and my love and this only makes the situation worse and irritates me even more.

I know I should have expected such a scenario, but it doesn't mean I can tolerate it. I can't imagine what she said to Chloe, how she put gasoline on the fire and confirmed the thesis of cheating without knowing anything. However, my eyes fall on the figure on the bed, curled up and surrounded by tissues, who continues to sob violently, much more than this morning. If there is anything that could break the heart more, this is the first one. I try once again to get close to her, but I inevitably go and bump into Aubrey, who walks me away with little grace.

_Can you please move?_

I ask her with exasperated, we are not baby girls, this game works for 12-year-olds.

_No._

_I must-_

_You've done enough already. Go away._

Isn't Chloe enough to throw me out of my house, now so is Aubrey? Are you kidding me? For something I did in good faith, by the way? My God, I think I'm going to go crazy in a bit. I decide that there is no point in continuing to argue with the blond dragon breathing fire, and it is better to address Chloe directly. It doesn't matter if there is anyone else, she'll know eventually, so sooner or later it doesn't matter. I take a deep breath, as if I wanted to prepare myself for what will happen in a few minutes, it will not be easy, but I must tell her everything. I gaze at Aubrey for a moment, and then I focus on the little red head.

_Chloe, listen to me, please. It's all a misunderstanding, it didn't happ-._

_Stop it. Stop telling me it's not what I think it is, that it's complicated, I don't want to listen you anymore. You don't have to talk anymore, you have to leave. Do you get it? Leave. Me. Alone and go!_

She shut me up once more, she doesn't want to know anything. How is it possible that she doesn't want to listen to me? I feel my body shaken by chills and tears keep coming down silently from my eyes as I look helplessly at the love of my life chasing me away from hers life. I know that the situation is compromising, that what happened, my behavior may have suggested other than reality, but it is not so, damn it. I could never do that to her.

_Chloe I-_

I don't have time to finish the sentence that Chloe gets up out of bed and comes to meet me past Aubrey, just so she can scream once again to leave. I can no longer hold myself back and what I feel at the moment is not only despair, pain, but anger, deep anger, because she's not giving me the opportunity to explain myself and is putting an end to everything we are, without listening to what I have to say to her.

_You know what? I didn't think I was worth so little, I didn't think you had so little faith in me that you wouldn't even give me the fucking benefit of the doubt, holy Christ!_

I didn't imagine raising my voice, exploding like this and I already regret it, but at the moment I can't handle anything anymore. It all happens in a fraction of a second, I find my face turned to the side, with the shape of five fingers on the cheek, which seems to want to burn. She slapped me in the face. Strong. She threw a fucking slap at me. I feel a boiling tear sliding down my face and then falling on the floor. In the apartment the silence is deafening, the expression on our faces I imagine is more or less the same. Shocked, incredulous, frightened. My gaze crosses that of Chloe, furious, disappointed, sad.

_I wish I hadn't met you in college. I wouldn't be here right now. Please go._

Void, there's only that left. I no longer have anything at the level of the chest. Nothing. A pile of ash that is slipping away relentlessly leaving a huge hole between my ribs. She is denying everything that we were, us, our love. I don't think I've ever felt such a endearing feeling, they should warn you when you fall in love with risks and complications. Like drugs. I have no more words to give voice to, there is nothing more to say. I just feel broken, like glass, humiliated, distressed.. I have a vacuum in my head. I feel like I'm missing the air, I feel like I'm in the lair of a wolf, two wolves actually. My feet take the initiative on their own and go back until they reach the door, but my eyes don't want to be detached from those of the person I thought loved me more in the world. I don't know what to think anymore. I take a last look at my home that now looks like just an apartment like any other. Everything broke down, and so did it. I still drop tears but I forcefully sweep them away with the palm of my hand, it's not fair. I reach the door handle with one hand, and slowly push it down to be able to open it and get out. I didn't think such a moment would ever come, but life has decided to reserve for me only bitter dishes. I rejoin my eyes with that blue sky, but I can no longer support it. I have to leave, it's no longer the time to stay here.

This isn't my home anymore.

**To be continued…**

_**Still alive?**_

_**If you've come this far, I can only thank you for read all of this angst. It's not the end, there will be another part and I hope that you actually love the story as I do writing it. Comment, vote, whatever you want. See you at the next chapter, weirdos. **_


	15. Chapter 15

**~ It was (not) only just a dream 2/2**

_Dear Chlo-_

No. Too formal.

_My love._

No. I think she would tear up the paper as soon as she reads these two simple words. If I had been cheated by someone I love, reading "my love" as first thing, I think would only make me boil the blood not allowing me to go further. Although I haven't cheated on Chloe, that's what she thinks and so far I haven't been able to change her mind. So, the attempt is to let her know how things are going by putting them in black and white, since she doesn't want to see me. Nor hear me, she does not answer my calls, my messages, anything. I sent her dozens of them, but it's as if she put a big red cross on me, on us, she trashed everything. She has deleted me completely, and I still can't believe it. How did this happen? I don't know. "I wish I hadn't met you in college." Is there anything worse than feeling disowned? To feel like the best part of your life hadn't mattered? Like you didn't count for anything? As if your love is worth less than a grain of dust? I don't think there's anything worse. You are reduced to nothing, you just disappear. And I feel exactly that way, invisible. I never thought I'd be able to try something like this again, to return to being irrelevant. And instead.

She had noticed me from the very first moment, she had seen me. For real. And there is no more joy and pain at any other time than that, when someone sees through the cracks in your barrier and discovers who you are. _Joy_, because finally someone didn't get scared of the height of your fortress, but peered through the cracks thinking about what was beyond the wall. And even if you don't want to admit it at first, it's what you've been waiting for a long time. _Pain_. Pain because you think that once you let someone into your castle, you run the risk that he is just passing through, that he does not fit within your walls and that he'll go away, maybe even slamming the door, causing everything to collapse. And it'll bring you down too. However, you hope that it will not happen, you hope that your hospitality is enough. That you are enough. But sometimes love is not enough. And then you are left alone, again, with everything to rebuild. And you return to being a castle like many others, with the awareness that what made you special, what made you visible, will perhaps never come back.

I've found a bedsit in Bushwick, it's not the best, but it's the only thing that was available right away. This morning I went to get the last two boxes from the landing of my apartment, mine, no longer. Chloe wasn't there, I was sure I wouldn't find her, actually I wouldn't even know how to react if she was there. The scenes from last night are still in front of my eyes, and I don't think they will ever go away. Sometimes I think it's an hallucination and that all this has never happened, and I get a pinch on me. But it doesn't change anything. I'm still sitting at this plastic table, with a shaky leg, in this fucking room that smells of smoke and alcohol and seems like the typical place in the movies where people are killed. Very creepy. There is not even a fucking bed, just a sofa that has seen better times surely.

I can not keep my hand steady, I do not know how many sheets I have already ripped for the illegible writing. I have this continuous flicker since everything went upside down, if only just the hand was shaking. It's feeling like you're being run over by continuous, light but persistent power surges. How is it possible that we have reduced like that?

_It's all so wrong._

_I thought a lot about how to start, but nothing seemed appropriate to me. You know, I think starting the letters with 'dear' is just a way to get into the reader's graces, as the Latins say? Captatio benevolentiae. Don't ask me how I know it, it's one of the few things I remember about Latin class in high school. Or at least the years I've been able to attend. Yeah. That's what I want to talk to you about, about what happened to me before we met. Nothing easy, but I won't go on for long. You already know that I have lived my life completely alone, but I have never gone into detail and I regret it. I should have shared more things with you, but it hurts, it hurts to remember those moments, but now it's necessary. I will only stop at what now there is to explain, then if you want we can talk about it, I would and I really hope so._

_You asked me who Tracy was. She doesn't really exist, it's nobody. The real name is Sabrina. She was the most important person I have ever had in my life, in my childhood, until I was 16. Then she left. It was an unhappy day, one of many, but certainly one of the worst experiences, at least so far. I had just left the institute where I have lived all my life since I was born, an orphanage, in a nutshell. Sabrina was with me in those years, she was my family, or like something that came very close to it, never having had one. I will not dwell on what we have been through together, not now. She was a sister to me, she is actually a sister to me, even though we haven't been in touch for more than 10 years. Some time ago we met on the subway, I was on my way home and I found her in front of my feet. I couldn't believe it. _

_Since then, I've been helping her every day to get a job, so that she could raise money and pay the debts she had with an old 'friend'. Unreasonable people. Nothing good. Drug rides and more dangerous things. I came home late, I avoided talking about it because I didn't want you to get involved in all this, because if they had ever understood where she was and with whom she was, they would have gone back to you in a blink of an eye, and I could never allow it. However, those people have eyes and ears everywhere, so unfortunately it happened, two days ago. They found her, they understood what she does and where she lives. When I didn't come home at night, it was because I was at her house, so I could figure out how to solve this situation. To be able to reassure her, calm down. I know I was wrong not to warn you, not to tell you anything and all this can be easily misunderstood, but I have not cheated on you Chloe. I could never do that, not even in all the next lives and I'm sure even in the lives before this one. I was next to her because she needed someone, and at that moment that someone was me. Well, it's me. I don't know now, you may well understand that at the moment, I have something else on my mind._

_I didn't cheat on you. Please repeat it in your mind, out loud, no matter how. I didn't do it and I beg you, believe me. Believe in me, believe in what I gave you, in my love for you. Believe in us._

_You know, somewhere I've heard that when something breaks, if the pieces are large enough, they can be brought together, glued together. But when they shatter, that's the real problem. And I think that we have shattered each other, because it's exactly how I feel now. And I can only imagine how you felt, how you are. There is no burden heavier than knowing that the person who inflicted so much pain on you is me, who love you more than how the sunflower loves sunlight, how the stars love the night, more than anything in this world. Nothing is comparable. I'm sorry I yelled at you, I lost my mind and I broke out. I just wanted to be able to explain everything to you, to tell you the whole truth hoping that you would understand that what I did, I did only to protect you. I love you, Chloe, holy God, I love you. I could tell you an infinite number of times and it is so strong that it hurts. Especially now, with my heart broken, my body empty and my mind full of you._

_I'm writing on this yellowed sheet of paper, but it's actually like you're here, in front of me, with your eyes glued to mine. Your eyes absorb my thoughts, by day, by night, every second. And I miss the air because they are so beautiful that even if I just imagine them, they cut my breath in my throat. And I can't help but think about how much more beautiful they are in person. And it hurts. It hurts because I don't know if you will grant me this privilege anymore._

_Sometimes we don't think that a hug, a kiss, or just a glance may be the last. We don't care. If I had known, I would have squeezed you a little tighter, kissed you until I took your breath away and I would have been watching you for hours, without ever getting tired, to be able to impress every single detail of you in my mind. And in that second, I would have prayed that this moment would never come, that I would continue to do these things as if it were the last time, never actually coming to the end. Do you think we could have all this? Do you think we could look into each other's eyes once again and find our love, find us as we were before all of this? Do you think we could do that? There's nothing I don't hope for more. Nothing._

_I'm not gonna tell you I can't live without you, because I can. Life goes on. What I want to tell you is that I don't want to live without you, no matter how small the fragments are, I'll put on my magnifying glass to be able to collect them all and put them in their place. I just hope you to want it too. That's all I ask you, to listen to me. To make up for it. Please._

_Probably this letter has not been worth anything, you probably haven't even come so far to read, but if you are, close your eyes for a moment and think about us. To what we are, or maybe now I should say 'we've been'. It hurts to write it as much as it hurts to think so. I hope you can see what I see, love. Just that. No hard feelings, no anger or disappointment. Just you, me, and our hands intertwined. That's how I imagined my future, my days, but sometimes the plans don't go as you want. Sometimes you take unusual detours or parallel roads destined not to meet again. I hope it's not our case, but if it is, wherever I go, at any moment, I'll be with my hand outstretched, waiting for the heat of yours, to make sure that those two roads cross again._

_I love you, Chloe._

_Yours, Beca._

I can sweep in time the tear that fell on my face which threatened to fall on the sheet by soiling it. I held back a lot of them, but this one was faster than the others and ran away. I still don't know how they form. I have shed so many tears in these two days not even imagining I could produce them to such an extent. I'm literally drying myself up. I don't eat from two days ago, if I have slept 4 hours it's a miracle, I just can't turn off my mind. I sincerely hope that this letter will give me a chance. It can move something. I know I shouldn't have very high expectations, not after all that happened and she told me, but I can't. Love does that too. It makes you hope even in the darkest moments, craves for a spark of light in the dark and makes you wait until you see one. My light is that of a sunset, the last hours of the day, just like her hair. How much I would like to pass my fingers between her locks to see how soft they really are as I imagine them now in my mind.

I rub my eyes with two fingers and stay in this position for a few moments. Maybe if I'll squeeze them out stronger once I reopen none of this has happened. But nothing, it's just one of my greatest desires. Just fantasy. I carefully fold the sheet in three and put it in the envelope that I managed to recover among all the paperwork thrown in one of my boxes. It's not very elegant, it looks like an envelope for electricity bills, but who cares. It's what's inside that counts. At least I hope so. The only problem now is how to deliver it. If I had to leave it under the door, it would probably end up under the bed and not see it. I could leave it in the mailbox, but Chloe never goes to empty it, if it were for her, it would burst before she thought it appropriate to collect the mail. Giving it to her in person, I doubt very much is the wise choice. She would scream even more and only the situation would get worse. Think Beca. If I can't give it to her, it doesn't mean someone else can't. Postman? No. It would take more time than it should.

Almost like a flash of lightning, an idea has just pierced my mind and as much as it can be the most suicidal and unhealthy, it is the most concrete and feasible. The fire-breathing dragon, the hound. Aubrey. If I give it to her, there's more chance she'll get into Chloe's hands in a matter of minutes, maybe hours, in exaggeration. Plus, she's the only person she trusts most in the world now, and if she gives it to her, there's more chance she'll read it than if she had to find it herself. I may not be able to do this, but I have to at least try. I get my cell phone from the couch so I can call her, but as soon as I pick up my cell phone in my hand, I notice several notifications and a particular email.

_Dear Miss Mitchell,_

_We're writing from the Los Angeles-based record company Big Recording Machine. We work in collaboration with the label where you are currently doing your internship in New York and since you are about to finish that, we have been informed of your excellent path over the past few months. We would like to talk to you in person or even by phone at first, so that we can discuss any job proposals with our company. If you are obviously interested. Hoping for a positive outcome, please do not hesitate to contact us on our number as soon as you receive and read this email._

_Kindest regards_

_BRM studio LA._

What did I just read? Los Angeles? Big Recording Machine? Am I dreaming? For a second, a slight smile curls the corners of my lips, almost as if it were out of place in a situation like this. They want me to call them, they want to talk to me about a future job. My God, it seems so surreal to me, Los Angeles. It's the place where I've always dreamed of going, building my career, and having such news so suddenly and unexpectedly is slightly destabilizing. Not in a negative sense of course. I just wish I could enjoy this moment of glee and happiness in another way. I wish I could share it with her. It is the dream of a life that could probably come true, and she is the only person I would have wanted to live it with. I want to talk to her, I have to talk to her. It can't end like this, although I imagine it's already over for her.

Mentally pointing out that I have to call the BRM later, I scroll through my contacts to be able to search for Aubrey's. I just hope she answers me and agrees to see me. Without thinking twice I forward the call, already feeling the agitation make room in my stomach. I don't know what will remain of it until the end, as far as it's turning and squeezing these days.

_Hello?_

_Aubrey? It's me, Beca._

It's as if I imagined her change of expression at this exact moment, she almost certainly didn't notice the number was calling her. It's a few seconds before she answers me, obviously she's reflecting on whether or not to close the phone call in my face.

_What do you want?_

_Um, look. Could we meet? I need to give you something for Chloe and I don't think if I had to give it to her she'd accept it in person._

_What? No way. Goodbye Bec-_

_Wait Wait Wait. Please Aubrey. I wouldn't call you if it wasn't important._

I can only feel a deep breath, of those bored, stirred, being exhaled on the other side.

Involuntarily I turn my gaze upwards and pull my lower lip with my teeth praying to all the existing gods so that she can say yes. Say yes. Say yes.

_Ahh... Okay. In 10 minutes, in Rodney Park. I won't wait for you, so you better move._

I don't even have time to answer her, that I don't hear any more noise from the other end of the phone and I notice that the screen is completely dark. I've always known that Aubrey didn't like me so much, especially now, but maybe she should review the manual of good manners. What the hell? However now that's the least of my problems, well, I don't care at all. I just have to figure out how to get to Rodney Park in 10 minutes from here, walking. Flying? Not an option. Maybe if I'm lucky enough, I can catch a taxi. If You're up there, give me some lucky just for once.

I get up immediately from my chair and rush out of the apartment without even worrying about locking the door. Not that there's much to steal. As soon as I get to the street I see a taxi approaching the sidewalk to retrieve a gentleman with a little girl. I feel sorry for them but that taxi is mine. I rush to the rear door, catching by surprise and moving them by force, in order to enter.

_Hey, what th-?_

_It's an emergency, my wife is about to give birth! Excuse me!_

I scream to the gentleman with my head out of the window as the taxi continues moving down the road without knowing exactly where to go. As soon as I got in, I just told the driver to keep going without stopping for any reason in the world. I can see the gentleman from whom I stole the taxi shaking his head but with a slight smile as he talks to the baby girl. The pregnant woman is always the perfect excuse for everything.

_Um, miss, where do you want me to take you?_

_Oh, yes. In Rodney Park. As fast as you can. Hurry up. And no, no one is giving birth, just go._

I feel the taxi increase in speed and overtake the slower cars in a blink of an eye. We're going down Broadway, which is the fastest way to get there, I just hope that the traffic stays smooth and smooth all the way. Damn it, I'll never make it.

_Can't it go any faster?_

_Miss I can't, I'm already at my limit._

_I give you three times what I should give you, but you have to increase the speed so I can get there in 5 minutes. And that's not a negotiation. Now push your damn foot on the accelerator._

I've never been able to bark orders but this case is an exception. The driver opened his eyes for a few moments certainly not expecting an exit like this, and then concentrate again on the road and push the accelerator with more force. Maybe I should try speaking more often in a loud and firm voice. I see people listening to me. Unfortunately, however, we get to a traffic jam that we can't get past even if we fly, something that goes right, never happens.

_How long before we get to Rodney Park?_

_A few minutes Miss, if only there were not this traffic jam._

_How much walking? More or less._

I notice how the taxi driver is looking at me with questioning air from the rearview mirror. What is it? It's a simple question, I didn't ask for the moon.

_About 5 minutes miss. But I don't know if it's-_

_Here you go. Keep the change. You've been very great._

I don't give him time to answer me because I'm in the middle of the cars stuck in the street, running with my breath to reach the meeting point with Aubrey. I just hope all this was worth it. That my lungs collapsed in a few seconds was worth it. My God, I really need an oxygen tank right now.

After about 5 minutes I arrive at the park dripping with sweat from my forehead and with several viscera left on the street, and I see a blond head sitting on a bench with all the air of someone who has bothered to wait. It's her.

_Aubrey!_

I call her with that little bit of breath that has remained in my throat and I notice immediately how she gets up and comes to meet me, surely she will be in a hurry to leave.

I'm bent in two with my hands on my knees trying to recover some 'air because as far as I know, I could fall to the ground in a few seconds, unconscious.

_I don't have all day, Beca._

A pain in the ass. As always.

_I... Um, Yeah, just one sec.. excuse me. Woah. Uh ah... I have to give you this. Please, give it to Chloe._

I look her in the eyes and I can only see the coldness of her look, the disgust maybe? Almost as if I were a rejection to talk to. Holy God. Damn prejudices she has against me. She gazes between me and the envelope in my hand, reluctantly, but eventually she takes it and squeezes it with two hands.

_I always knew that you could not be worth of trust._

I don't know if it's because I'm tired, if I'm going to collapse on my helpless knees in a little while, or because I've collected so much pain in the last few hours, that although her statement is not one of the prettiest I've ever been told, at the moment it's as if she's been talking to the wind. Probably from here in 5 minutes the anger of being judged continuously by her will make room inside me, but for now, I just stare at her wondering what I really did wrong to get such consideration from her. I never understood it. I don't think I'll ever really understand it. After a few moments, without even saying goodbye, I see her turning around and leaving with my letter still in her hands. I don't care if she's mad at me, I just want Chloe to read what I wrote to her. I just hope to get another chance, I can't let it all end like this.

I look around and I can't help but think that I have never actually been in this park. It's kinda quiet, there are only a few people, mostly with their own dogs for the night walk. Among my thoughts, the email I received from the LA record company appears again, I should call them. But not now, not until I understand how the situation with Chloe will end. I can't make plans to leave without knowing what will happen to her and me. It's a great opportunity, probably if I had to call them too late I could have lost it, but for now I have more important things to think about. It would be a dream to take this step with Chloe, but now things are not exactly as I would have expected them to be, so.

I decide to go home, finally my lungs have started working again as they should. It will be a long walk, but it doesn't matter. I'll have to spend the evening somehow.

The first street lamps light up, the cars are running fast now. Obviously, the previous traffic jam was cleared out in a few minutes. Usual luck, of course. I see people coming back from work, who with their bags well tight in the hand, or with the backpack firmly on their shoulders, seem to walk with blinkers, as if they did not notice what surrounds them. However, I can't help but think about how much they give the impression of being so alone. Or it's just a reflection of what I'm actually feeling. I have experienced loneliness many times during my life, if not all my life. But this time it's different. It's like when you leave your city, you miss it. You know you spent the most beautiful years of your life there and you're also aware that you're probably not going back. So all you do is keep your memories vivid, so you don't miss a single detail. But after all, in the most remote part of your mind, you can't help but feel the sadness and loneliness you feel when you leave what has belonged to you for so long. Sometimes I think that understanding what it means not to live in solitude and then find yourself alone once again, it is much worse than living a life completely alone. Because you know what you have lost, what you are missing, and I believe there are few things more painful than this.

_You're alone, left out in the cold.._

Not realizing it, I whisper with my head down, these few words with a slight, uncertain melody. I don't know where they came from, sometimes it happens to me, it's as if they were in front of my eyes. I think it would be a good start for a song, but now is not the time to think about it. Just as they have crossed my thoughts, they just as quickly disappear, leaving room only for the emptiness I feel. I keep walking slowly, as if I never really want to get home, if that's what you can call it. I just want to turn around and come back to her. In that case I would run the risk of losing even what remains of my lungs to reach her as quickly as possible. I wonder when she will read it. I just hope I have an answer.

I have almost reached the end of the sidewalk and without paying much attention to those who arrive from the right and left I decide to cross the road. I'm not invisible, and in addition it's a secondary and small crossroads, they'll see me.

I only hear a noise, and someone call 'Miss' but honestly I don't pay much attention to it. It's as if I'm in a bubble, and all the outside noises get to me muffled. Like when you have your headphones and you don't feel shit about what's around you. Only now I hear something, a bicycle wheel that has gotten in my way and I'm muzzled on the ground with my arms outstretched long on the asphalt. 

**Pov Beca (our days)**

_Aah!_

I throw a scream and I get up sweaty, panting and not understanding what's going on. What the hell? A moment ago I was with my face on the asphalt and now I'm on the couch? Wait, was it all a dream? More like a nightmare.

As if a lightning bolt had struck me at this moment, I opened my eyes wide, realizing that it was neither a dream nor a nightmare. It's a memory. It really happened. That's what I missed. Oh, my God. I'm shocked. Chloe. She and I were together, that's why I felt there was something different. She left me, she didn't look for me anymore, despite the letter. And now we are nothing. I don't know if I would have preferred to remember it or not. Maybe not. As if I had triggered an avalanche, all the memories of these last few days, the news party for Chloe's wedding, Chicago, Sabrina's case, is as if there was a film in front of my eyes that is running fast. Now I remember the moment before my fainting. I had just left the 50s café where she had taken me. I was waiting for a taxi, or the Uber, I don't remember exactly but immediately after a few moments I found her behind me.

She should have asked me one last thing. What? What the fuck was she supposed to ask me yet? I told her that I loved her, I explained everything to her, damn it. Calm Beca. You can't get upset. I don't want to get another stroke, that's not what I need right now. I forcefully move the blanket from my legs and sit down on the couch, carrying my head in my hands. I feel so much anger that I could break something. I was complaining about having blackouts, but maybe if I had known what there was to remember, I would have preferred to have my mind like a cheese rather than re-live everything that happened a second time. It was so vivid, I think I really cried because my face is wet and my eyes hurt. As if I'd been squeezing them together all the time. I thought I just liked her, that it was my impression until a few hours ago, but it is not so. I don't like her, I... holy God. I still love her and I'm so angry with her now. I hold my hair between my fingers as if in a certain way I could tear from my mind all that I relived during my sleep. All my anger, my disappointment, and I would also like my love to go away. Because if it wasn't for that I wouldn't be like that now, none of this would have happened.

_Damn it._

I take a slight kick to the leg of the coffee table but fortunately it does not break, but moves only a few inches. Accidentally my gaze falls on the arms and on the back of the right one I can see a scar not exactly small, that is even whiter than my complexion. This was the gift I received from that ruinous fall in New York. 10 stitches. Damn you.

I'm about to get up and head into the kitchen to make a coffee when I get distracted by the sound of the doorbell. Who the hell is now? I'm not exactly in the mood to get visitors, but it might be important. Maybe it's Blake. I just hope it's something quick, I want to spend the evening alone.

I approach the front door and without even looking through the peephole, I open it revealing the last person I would have expected to be on my porch.

_Hi. Um... I came to see how you were. Are you okay?_

I can see how nervous she is, because all she does is play with the shoulder strap she wears, and I imagine that my expression, which is anything but enthusiastic, only makes things worse. But I can't, I can't stand not being angry, it's as if everything that happened 2 years ago and that I lived not even a few minutes ago, had left me a glowing mark on the skin that hurts. Very bad.

And what makes me even more angry is that she is here, in front of me, damn beautiful, and my heart is going crazy. It's woken up too, or maybe it already was. It just needed the brain to connect and restore all the information to make me realize that, even though I want to deny it, the woman in front of my eyes is all I want. My gaze falls involuntarily on her lips and God, I shouldn't have done it, because now I won't be able to think about anything else. It's as if I had a force inside that was pushing me towards her, but I have to stay still. I can't. I don't have to. It's almost as if my anger and feeling towards her is playing arm wrestling. And I'm afraid of who will be the winner.

_Beca.. Are you there?_

_Why didn't you tell me?_

_What do you mea-?_

I don't give her time to answer. I don't want to be explaining anything. A few seconds ago I was afraid of what between anger and love won, but I had not taken into account what comes out if they join. I forcefully pull her arm to get her into the house and without waiting another moment, I join my lips with hers, almost as if I couldn't breathe and she was the only source of oxygen. My hands automatically moved to her face, as if unconsciously I didn't want to run the risk of losing her. What amazes me is that after a first moment of confusion, I hear her respond to the kiss, as if she was waiting for nothing else. It's a ravenous kiss, not even permission has been asked for our tongue to be twisted.

Everything has gone automatically, as if we were struggling to impose our own supremacy, there is all the anger, resentment, disappointment that we have inevitably brought on ourselves for these 2 long years. Yet it seems so natural. They say that the body has its own memory, and it is certainly for this reason that our lips move as if they already know what to do. I bite her lower lip as I feel one of her hands in my hair and the other behind my back, which holds me tight and pushes me more and more against her body. I missed her. Her breath on my skin, her smell. Everything. God, I don't know if I can do without it. It's like a drug. But she's engaged, she's getting married. And we are kissing, as if our lives were worth it. As soon as this idea is planted in my head, deletes everything else, I immediately detach from her, catching her by surprise.

We both have breath, glossy eyes and swollen, red lips for all the bites we've had. She's confused, lost, I don't know if she's regretful. Her eyes have become darker, deep blue, and I don't want to create false hopes, but that look only suggests desire. Or at least it was when we were together. But I can't. I would like to kiss her until I take away even the last breath of air in her lungs, but I can't. It's wrong. Yet it seems so damn right.

_Beca..._

Her voice is trembling, and insecure, and I can see how small drops of salt water have formed in the corners of her eyes. I knew it. She is repentant, I should have imagined it. So why did she answer the kiss like that? Why did she hold me so tightly as if she wanted to melt our bodies? If before I was angry, now I don't even know how I feel. I didn't have to do that. Stupid Beca.

_I.. Uh..._

_You... Do you remember everything?_

Does it seem as if there is a veil of hope in this question? Why would she hope that I remember such a thing? It was terrible.

I lift my eyes and interlock them with her own. It literally takes my breath away.

_Yeah... I-hm... I've just had this dream... That was not exactly a dream but a memory... And yes, I remember everything._

She looks at me, for a long instant, without talking. Yet from here I feel the gears of her brain squeaking so much in a fury of thinking. I just want her to give voice to her mind.

_Can I ask you a question?_

_Yeah... Uh, of course._

I observe her for a moment and then I take a deep breath, preparing myself for any answer she may give me. I just hope it doesn't hurt very much.

_Why didn't you answer my letter? Or why didn't you show up at the bar some days after? I... I really hoped that you would come._

_Beca... I never received your letter. I don't know maybe the postman will have los-._

_Postman? I didn't send it. I gave it to Aubrey at Rod-ne-y.._

I stop for a moment to talk and I can't help but notice the expression of pure surprise, obviously not in a good way, on Chloe's face. Only now is everything explained. That fucking blond dragon never gave her the letter. That bitch!

But at the moment it's Chloe's facial coloring that worries me. Every second that passes becomes more and more red, I could swear that in a while the smoke will come out of her ears. Maybe I messed up? How could I have known that? What the hell?

_I have to go. I'm sorry._

I see her approaching the front door hurrying and obviously fuming for the sudden revelation, but before going she turns back to me, with a guilty look. It doesn't bode well.

_Um... About earlier.. It was a mistake, I-_

We look at each other for an endless second. I am collecting ever smaller fragments of my heart, and I am holding my breath. Something worse will come. I know.

_I-ha... Maybe it's better to forget. It must never happen again. I'm sorry. I have to go._

_Yeah...it's.. Okay._

Forget it. It's absurd how I spent days concentrating to remember what I had lost, and now all I should do is forget. Now the door is closed, she's gone, leaving only her scent on my hands, in my living room, and in my mind. How can I forget now?

I turn around and head towards the corridor to be able to reach the studio. In my mind the phrase of the dream is made space again, and I think that this time something can come out from underneath.

You were alone, left out in the cold.

Cold, yes. What I feel now.

_

**Okay Folks! Here we are. I know that Chloe could seems an unlikeable person, but just try for a moment to put yourself in her shoes. She's not the villain in this story. Nobody is. **

**Anyywaaay, I've actually enjoyed writing this chapter. Finally the first kiss. It's about time!**

**Let me know what you think, maybe if there is something that I can improve, or something that you might dislike, I don't know. **

**Thanks to all of you. And since it's a weird moment for the World by now, please be responsible. Stay in and be safe. Take care of yourself and your loved ones. It's important. **

**See ya. **


	16. Chapter 16

**~ Fight song ~**

Pov Chloe

Few times in my life I've experienced what it means to be really angry, disappointed. And this is one of them. Usually I try to see always the good of a situation, of a person, never the glass half empty, but always half full. But in exceptional cases, I just can't understand how someone can behave in a certain way, without thinking about what might result. Why did she do it? With what right? I never liked when a person gets involved in others' businesses, makes decisions for them without being required to do so. I don't know what to think, she's my best friend, my sister, how could she keep something like this from me? Why the fuck does everyone have the habit of keeping me in the dark? First Beca, now Aubrey, what the hell is wrong with them? I have lived the last two years in total ignorance of what really happened, with totally wrong beliefs, as if I had placed a different link in the chain from what it was supposed to be, unaware that there was another one to add, the right one.

And I'm so furious that I'm just now realizing it, because that one wrong link that's breaking, will only break the chain, questioning everything that has been in these years. It's as if they've put me in a bell and unaware I was there, I've continued my life with all the pain, resentment and anger of a cheating that now, I no longer know if to call it so. I don't know if with that letter I would have changed my mind, I don't know what impact it would have had on me, but I would have preferred to find out for myself and at the right time, not now. God, she also had the nerve to tell me that she didn't know anything about it when I asked her. How can one lie so easily? I knew something was wrong, but I didn't imagine anything like that. She didn't have to do it. To what purpose? That fucking letter could have been the scale needle, but she took it off regardless. She stole this opportunity from me, and by now, things could have been different. How can I continue to trust her? If over the years I've been convinced that I couldn't expect anything else good from Beca and that I would have been much better off without her, now I suppose the situation is totally different.

I've tried what it's like to be betrayed, or rather, to feel betrayed. By someone you loved. And in a way, in the end, you can even come to terms with it. When you get together with someone, you think that in a hypothetical future, perhaps far away, or preferably never, that someone might find better, or get tired of you, and go into the arms of another person. These are risks that are taken into account. Maybe these are the first that the brain automatically makes them jump out, pointing out all the possible insecurities that you have. And hopefully that will never happen. Or if it does, you hope that it doesn't hurt as much as you imagine. But when it comes to friendship, in that case you never think that a friend can betray you, it can be false towards you. Simply because friendship is the most sincere relationship that can exist. Or so it should be, and you have this delusional assumption that nothing bad can happen. I don't know why, but when I think of a friend, I think of a glass, me on one side and him on the other. You can look at everything, you realize what's in front of you. You know what you can expect, what you can't expect, it's all in front of your eyes. Nothing is hidden. I think that's how a friendship should be. Transparency. Seeing through. Knowing each other in everything, and accept each other for as we are.

However sometimes, the glass is not as clean as you think, or the person in front of you is good at hiding some things behind the shoulder, as children do with candies when they don't want to get caught by mom. And it is then, when you realize that actually it is not everything what is shown, that there has always been a small detail that has escaped you, only at that moment, you realize that probably the person who has been in front of you all that time, is not the same one you thought you were looking at. And everything becomes clearer. And it hurts. Because you don't know if you were blind enough not to see or if it was the other one who could pretend so well. Anger grows, along with disappointment and confusion about how it could happen that the person you thought so close to you could behave in this way. It means that you didn't understand shit and trusted the wrong person. And that glass that separates you now becomes a wall, so that you don't see anything anymore and that there is as much distance as possible. 

I left Beca's house a few minutes ago, and I still have the taste of her lips on mine. I don't know what got into me, I didn't have to answer the kiss, I can't. Damn it. Did I cheat on Chicago? God, we have to get married! I'm a mess. It was a kiss, a fucking kiss, I can't screw up my relationship for this. I feel so guilty. Shit. How can I hide something like that from him now? Did I want to kiss her?...ahh For God's sake, it's so hard. I just wish I'd disappeared and hadn't visited her 20 minutes ago at the house. What a stupid idea. How did you come up with that, Chloe? None of this would have happened. But I would never knew about Aubrey. And for now, that's where my mind and blood are boiling. I'll think about the rest, later.

_Hello?_

_Aubrey? Are you at home?_

I'd like to spit in her eye if she was in front of me right now. I only called her to find out where she was, and not to make an wasted trip to her house in case she wasn't there.

_Yes Chlo, are you all right? You sound strange._

Strange. I'd say it's the last adjective I'd describe myself with, at the moment.

_Yes yes, can I come over? I need to talk to you._

_Of course Chlo, I'll be waiting for you. Do you want some tea? I was making it for myself, but if you want, I'll make some more._

God, her thoughtfulness makes me nauseous at the moment. And it increases my anger even further. How can she be so kind and have done such a thing? I just want to yell at her now, but I have to wait. All in its time.

_No Bree, I'm good, thank you. See you in a bit._

_Okay, see you._

I hang up and push the accelerator so I can get to her house first. You shouldn't drive in anxiogenic or nervous conditions but I certainly couldn't leave my car in Beca's driveway. Only repeating her name in my mind I feel my stomach turn around. And I'm afraid it's something else I don't have to think about right now, the situation is already quite confusing and complicated.

After about ten minutes I finally reach the tree-lined avenue of the neighborhood where Aubrey's house is located and I slip into the first free hole to park. I already feel my hands shaking and the knot in my throat forming with tears threatening to fall, all due to the nervousness that is invading every fiber of my body. Nothing is for sadness. But I can't be overwhelmed. Not now at least. I want the truth.

I'm going to the door and it comes to open an Aubrey more than smiling and I can not help but think that maybe even right now she is pretending. Is that her? Is she the real one?

_Hey Chloe! Come on in. What happened?_

_Hey... Nothing... I just wanted to spend some time with you. It's been some time since we last seen each other._

I know I should get right to the point, but I want to see how far she goes if I have to pretend too. We both sit on the sofa in the living room, everything is perfectly in order. On one thing I can be sure, whether she's fake or not, she's a maniac of order.

I notice how she looks at me with her forehead roughed up, perhaps not convinced of my answer. That's the problem. I don't know how to pretend. My face speaks. How boring.

_I've known you for a long time, I know there's something about you. Come on._

_That's it... These days have been pretty turbulent, the least. With the whole hospital thing, Beca's, the wedding preparations... It was a mess._

_Yeah, I guess. How's the wedding going? It will be exciting to choose everything down to the last detail._

Only a person like Aubrey would be thrilled to be planning a wedding, with all the difficulties and problems involved. I don't know how it didn't occur to me to ask her to be our wedding planner. Although it's not her job, she would surely have done a great job for the control freak she has. However, I realize how obvious it is that she clearly avoided Beca's issue. Why does she do that?

_Yeah... Chicago is very attentive to everything. Anyway... Why didn't you come to the hospital? I expected that at least once you would come to visit Beca. She's still part of the Bellas family._

I tell her by looking at her with an almost surreal calm, which I didn't think I could keep in such a situation. I notice how the subject is uncomfortable for her because she looks away immediately and positions herself better on the couch taking a sip of her tea probably to find an excuse to tell me. God, I was such an idiot not to notice it before.

_I haven't had much time Chlo... Plus, we're not in the best terms and it has been shown at the party at your house, so... I preferred not to come._

I thought worse. I think it's half the truth anyway.

_Why are you so angry at her? I mean, she's never done anything to you._

_No Chloe, here the question to ask is why you're not mad at her after all she's done to you? You went to her bedside as if nothing happened._

I must admit, I was a little taken aback by her sudden response. However, I will not interrupt her, I know that there is more to it than that.

_I don't know how you do it. She did something very serious, she gave you so much pain and I can't forgive her. I could never have sympathy for her if she made you suffer like that._

I've had enough of all this bullshit, it's just a way to enchant me.

_And that's the same reason you hid her letter from me?_

I have a mocking smile on my face and I can see how she choked on tea. Her eyes almost come out of her eye sockets and she turns slowly towards me, almost terrified. Got her.

_What are you saying?_

_Me? Nothing. I'm simply saying that YOU, the person I trusted most in the world, kept something so important from me that it could have changed things 2 years ago! And YOU, you lied to me when a few weeks ago I asked you where the fuck this damn letter was and you told me you didn't know anything about it. Who the fuck are you? How dare you?_

I can't hold myself back anymore and as I speak, I raise my voice more and more. She must fucking hear me. I could scream until I burst my vocal cords for how resentful and angry I am.

_Chloe I did it for you, becau-_

_Excuse me? For me? For me? Do you hear yourself when you speak? You're crazy. It's absurd. You, damn it, stole from me the chance to know what was written on that fucking letter and you reset any opportunity that those words could have made a difference. I lived these years in the belief that Beca had cheated on me, I've known sorrow, exactly as you said, and I could not have done so if that letter had been delivered to me. If YOU had given it to me. It might not have changed anything at all, but it was up to me to decide, for God's sake. Not to you._

I stare into her and if I had any superpowers like the X-men I would have incinerated all her hair by now. Surely my eyes will be injected with blood because I feel them burning in a fury to hold back the tears, due only to the nervousness of the situation. My throat hurts, as if I had swallowed a handful of nails. I don't like to scream, I don't like to argue, and even less I don't like the effects that these kinds of events leave on my body. It's exhausting. I'm not used to it, but it seems as if lately the word serenity in my vocabulary has been erased.

Aubrey seems to have lost her word. Maybe she swallowed her own tongue or probably didn't expect the tender and sweet Chloe to make such a scene. Wrong. She had to take it into account when she arbitrarily decided to make decisions for me in my fucking life.

_Cat got your tongue?_

Maybe I'll be too bitter, but I don't care. I didn't expect this from her. And it hurts.

_Chloe I.. I don't know what to say-_

_No look, don't waste your time thinking of some excuse to give me now. I want the truth. Why? Why Aubrey?_

I see her looking down and gluing her eyes on her hands resting on knees. If only things had gone as they should, none of this would have happened. She takes a superficial, almost flickering breath, probably because of the anxiety that is surely gripping her stomach. I just hope she doesn't vomit, I need to know. Then she can do it.

_Beca gave me the letter to Rodney Park, if I'm not wrong, two days after you broke up. I was so angry about everything that happened...I couldn't figure out how she could do that to you. And I couldn't even accept that you were so upset. You were in pieces. And I didn't know where to start picking them up with you to help you._

She throws a quick glance at me and then concentrates on the cup of tea on the table, perhaps considering it more interesting than looking me in the eye and explaining everything to me as adults. It's strange to see Aubrey in a state of 'submission', so to say, but I guess there's always the first time for everything.

_She called me that afternoon, and I agreed to meet her perhaps only because I was moved by her desperate pleas. I wanted to slap her in the face but I held myself back. Seeing her in person, she had already reduced herself badly enough. It was a matter of a few minutes... She gave me the letter and said it was for you but I didn't give her time to add anything else that I had already left. I didn't tolerate her._

_Do you still have it?_

I can't hold myself back, I need to know if this letter still exists, if she kept it from me or if she threw it away. I wish I could finally read it.

_Here it is... As soon as I left her, I.. I threw it... in a trashcan, near the park._

I don't know what's prevailing in me, whether more anger or the feeling of having lost something of mine. Like when a piece of your heart is ripped out. That letter was from Beca, and she was definitely a piece of my heart, if not my heart. It was something that belonged to me and she threw it away without posing the least problem.

_You know what I think? That you didn't have the slightest respect for me. That for your control frenzy you put yourself in my place and made decisions deliberately, without even contacting the person directly concerned, which for the record, was me._

_No Chloe I-_

_I'm telling you again, why?_

My voice comes out damn serious, almost unrecognizable to my own ears. Finally she doesn't look down anymore but stops her eyes on mine, with a mixed expression between disbelief and sorrow. Now she's sorry? She had to think about it first.

_You really don't get it? I didn't give it to you because I cared about you, I care about you, Chloe, and that letter would have done nothing but make you feel worse and I couldn't allow it. I had to take care of you and I thought that letter was the last thing you needed._

_Do you know what your problem is, Aubrey? It's that you always assume. But you don't understand that every fucking time, you're wrong. You're not all-powerful, you don't know for sure how things can go, and you don't have to take the luxury of deciding for others, let alone for me._

I tell her by pointing my finger at her and noticing how her eyes have gradually become watery. This happens when the truth is told to people's faces. It hurts. But it hurts even more if it is hidden for 2 years or more, knowing that it would never have come out of the closet if it hadn't been for the circumstances.

_Get it right into your head. And a last thing. Who you think is a good-for-nothing is undoubtedly much better than you. You and your fucking prejudices won't go far in life if you keep it up. Grow up a bit._

I get up from the couch so that I can head towards the door, stopping just a few steps before I leave.

_Thank you for revealing yourself completely, even if I would have preferred it to happen sooner. I would have avoided bonding so much to you. It's a shame._

Pov Beca

Friday morning

_Here we are on radio The beat for a new date, today with someone very special. But first, the hits of the moment. Go Bob!_

I can't deny that a little anxiety is eating my stomach. Especially because in a while I'll be entering the studio and we'll be live, and I just hope I don't start stammering because otherwise I wouldn't know where to hide. Maybe under the table, let's say that being short in this case helps. Damn it. We're all here, the guys from the band have also come, if I have not misunderstood they will join the interview later. They all greeted me in a rather warm way, especially Alex. Let's say that her hug has not gone unnoticed, and as usual she hasn't spoken much. Not that words were needed, her demonstration was more than enough. And since before, she doesn't leave my side, she keeps that certain distance that is neither too much nor too little. It's reassuring in a way, I don't know why she does that to me. It seems like the same feeling you get when you're close to one of those people who inspires confidence just by looking at them. And I'm not one to trust easily. But with her it's different, it's like those situations in which you feel free to tell a perfect stranger everything you're going through, without being afraid of feeling judged. And it's a good feeling. I never thought I'd say it, or consider a person capable of it, after well... After Chloe, but with Alex it get very close. Is that good? I don't know. It's almost shocking.

Chloe. Since she came to my house on Sunday afternoon, we haven't been in touch, and I haven't looked for her. Needless to say, the kiss continues to reappear in my mind like a broken record. I know I was wrong. I shouldn't have acted impulsively, but she was there, beautiful, and I was so angry that she hadn't told me anything about us, but at the same time the realization of loving her still, invaded every cell of the body, as if I had awakened from a deep sleep, and I couldn't resist. I had to kiss her. And now I'm fucked. Because if a few months ago I didn't remember exactly what her smell was, her lips, her warmth, now I can't help but think about it. And it hurts triple, because it is as if I had opened one of those boxes that are kept in the garret, dusty, that you know there is but do not pay attention. And when you recover it, the wave of all the memories, feelings and emotions you felt, all come back to the surface, and become the main topic on which your mind has decided to bother you for the rest of your days. Damn it.

I know it won't happen again, or at least I'm almost 100% sure. Almost. Yes, because she kissed me back. And if she did, it means she wanted to. It wasn't the automatic response that comes naturally when someone kisses you. No. She was involved, mind and body. A person who doesn't want to kiss doesn't wrap you in his arms, and doesn't deepen the kiss until he takes the breath away from each other. He just escapes. Well, she doesn't. And I can't even describe how much this is driving me crazy. But on the other hand, two minutes later, with the her taste still on my lips, and the warm bodies, she wanted to specify that it should never happen again. And that it was a mistake. It was like a cold shower. A moment before in heaven, a moment after in hell. Sounds like a cliché but more accurate phrase of this I do not think there is. What should I have expected? That she would leave with a smile on her face and tell me she would come back to stay? It will never happen. And now, even less, because I imagine how guilty she feels about her future husband for what she did. She will spend her whole life trying to make it up to him, if she tells him. I'm just a dreamer who still believes that the love of her life can even try to believe in what we could be, in our feeling. But I don't even know why I still hope for us. Put your mind at ease Beca.

_Okay, guys, on air in two minutes. Beca, come here so we can check your headphones and that you can hear us._

I'm distracted from my thoughts by Steve, the radio host. We met up as soon as we got to the studio and he immediately seemed like a nice guy, with an impressive speech. It will be professional deformation, you can not be a speaker if you do not have the ability to spit an infinity of words in a series of 1 minute. I approach the table where there are several microphones and two PCs and I position myself to Steve's right, sitting on a stool that, I don't know how it's possible, has the exact height for my legs, avoiding the sad scene of me literally climbing to get on it.

_Do you hear me? Everything okay?_

_Yes good!_

I mimic an ok with my hand towards the glass that divides the cabin with the rest of the studio where the radio engineer is present, for further confirmation in case he hadn't heard me. Behind Bob I can catch a glimpse of Blake who is almost more enthusiastic than me, and since we arrived she's been smiling, laughing and having conversations with everyone who happens to be in her way. At this precise moment she is facing me with both thumbs up and an almost creepy smile on her face, which should be intended to reassure and calm me down. Let's say it's not exactly working. I throw a faint smile at her and then I turn around and focus again on Steve and the countdown that he started before it starts again with the airing.

_4 - 3 - 2 - 1- eeh.. Welcome back friends, thanks for being with us today, here is always your Steve talking to you and before starting I want to send a greeting to all of you who write us and post tweets daily on our page. You are the best! Also Bob greets you, as always he's too shy to come here and greet you by himself. Don't worry Bob, one day we'll force you to come out of the closet._

Really, I don't know how he does it. He hasn't taken a breath since he started talking. How many lungs does he have? 4?

_But without further ado, there is a really incredible guest today. We are proud to say that we were the first to host her. She's already well known, LA does nothing but talk about her and I'm sure that soon everyone will know her name. Winner of her first platinum album with Bulletproof Vs Release me, ladies and gentlemen, The Big BM, Beeeecaaa Mitchell!_

I realize that in the background in the headphones are sending my song and I can not help but smile, it seems so surreal to be here.

_Hi everybody! It's a pleasure to be here, thanks for inviting me!_

_The pleasure is all ours! How are you? We know that these last few weeks have been a bit "busy"!_

I notice how Steve made the mark of the quotes to 'busy' and a slight laugh escapes from my mouth thinking that it is not exactly the adjective with which I would describe the last period. But details.

_Well, I'd say it's a euphemism, but now I have a great scar to boast about. I'm more badass now! You know._

_Oh sure, you're pretty intimidating now! Do not make any mistakes with Beca Mitchell guys, it's a warning!_

Everyone in the studio laughs at Steve's joke and I finally start to feel the anxiety go away a bit. At least I don't risk vomiting live.

_Back to us, Beca. How was it to get the news that you won your first platinum record?_

_Well, it actually caught me pretty off guard. We were in the rehearsal room and that Barbie over there, Blake, my manager, told me I won platinum and I was like, "What?!". I didn't expect this, it was a pleasant surprise! I owe it to everyone who followed me from the beginning, from the moment I got here in LA and I was just a simple DJ going around the clubs!_

_As far as I know, you're still hanging around disco, aren't you? One night I tried to get into Factory 93 when you were there, but it was so full I couldn't get in. You have a pretty big number of fans! Everyone wants to listen to you!_

_Oh really? Next time tell me! We will manage a way to get you in!_

_Oh thank you! It's great! However, we're getting a lot of live messages of your fans' on Twitter page that greet you and write about how inspiring you are to them. How does it feel to be a role model? Have you ever thought about it?_

Really? But if with much struggles I can decide between coca cola or pepsi, how can I be a role model?

_That's a great good question! No, I never really thought I'd be a model to be inspired by. I mean, look at me. Who in their right mind would take me as a point of reference? You must be crazy._

I try to be as serious as possible but Steve can't stop laughing and apparently the others, on the other side of the cabin.

_You're hilarious, really!_

_Yeah I know, many people tell me!_

I pretend to move my hair with one hand with nonchalance keeping the expression as deadpanned as possible, but I laugh slightly because the atmosphere is really comical.

_By the way. Now that you make me think about it, it's a huge responsibility, I don't know if I'll ever be able to convince myself that I'm a role model for someone. I mean, I really really appreciate it but I have nothing more than others. Compared to them. I'm like them. I'm just a very weird and very awkward girl, you know, that makes things... With music. Not a big deal._

I shrug my shoulders with a sincere smile on my lips because I don't really feel superior to anyone. In fact, maybe less than anyone who shows me such unconditional affection, because I can't reciprocate the way I want. And I often feel guilty about it.

_Yes, but probably it's this attitude of yours that makes you a model to follow! Not everyone thinks as you do, you know, the fame, the glory of the moment, sometimes it can even blind! But you're not one of those people._

_No, I guess not._

_Okay, so. Let's talk about some news. We know that you are recording a new album and that the first song has already been recorded. Can you give us some previews? What should we expect from your debut as a singer and artist?_

I knew this question would come up. The problem is, I don't know how much I can talk and how much I can't. I look at Blake for few seconds and she throws me a wink and I don't know exactly how to interpret its meaning. Can I go further? What can I say?

_Uhm well, yes we are actually recording and a song is already nice and tucked. I don't know what I can tell you but I can say that we're working hard. It's my first album and I think I'll be able to show myself a little more and get to know myself better, at least through music, since I'm not very good with words and speeches._

_So it will be a little bit personal, won't it?_

_Uh... Yes. They will be songs in which I hope everyone can find themselves a bit, because everyone spends particular moments in life, and my ones as well as those of others, I doubt are so different. I hope that in this way I will be able to feel closer to anyone who listens to my songs and above all, to meet expectations._

I giggle in a nervous way because although I'm pretty sure we're going to do a great job, there's always a chance that I'll be a disaster.

_Okay well. From the production they tell me that today as a preview of your record, you will do us the honor of singing the first song live with your band, right?_

I notice how the guys have entered the room that until now was off, next to ours, where actually all the instruments are placed, and a microphone with a stand in the middle..

_Really? You kids know this?_

I turn to them and notice how they're all smiling, the typical expression of those who know they've got away.

_Of course you know, it's why you are here. So dumb Beca._

_Okay folks! So, Beca, before you reach the guys, what's the title of the song? What can you tell us?_

_Um well. You caught me off guard, I didn't think we could do that today. Anyway, it's a song I wrote in a very, very..Uh...difficult moment, let's say so. It's called Fight song, and well... it talks for itself, so good listening._

In the meantime Steve and Bob have sent a one-minute break, I head to the other room where another sound technician is waiting for me to set up my earphones so I can hear the base in my ears. Thinking about it, it's the first time I've ever sung in front of someone, on the radio, after the Bellas. I wonder if they will be there to listen to me. If she will be there.

_Okay ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, Beca Mitchell, here at The Beat radio, with Fight song. Enjoy it!_

I close my eyes and take a deep breath listening to the first notes played on the piano slowly by Alex. I feel my heart almost exploding in my chest for the emotion. Come on Beca, it's your time. Show what you're worth.

**_Like a small boat,_**

**_on the ocean_**

**_Sending big waves_**

**_Into motion._**

**_Like how a single word_**

**_Can make a heart open_**

Everything I've been told, everything I've been through, that's all. And the only word that can open my heart, unfortunately for me, is hers. And despite all the pain I've suffered, all I do is wait. Still.

_**I might only have one match**_

_**But I can make an explosion!**_

My opportunity to speak up. To tell my truth. To get everything back.

_**And all those things I didn't say**_

_**Wrecking balls inside my brain**_

Sabrina. New York. My feelings repressed, the vicious circle I entered after the break. Chloe.

**_I will scream them loud tonight_**

**_Can you hear my voice this time?_**

I hope you did.

**_This is my fight song_**

**_Take back my life song_**

**_Prove I'm alright song._**

I open my eyes and grab the microphone with force. This moment is for all those times when I felt miserable, useless, without a purpose. It's the song of my redemption, of my fresh restart.

_**My power's turned on**_

_**Starting right now I'll be strong**_

_**I'll play my fight song.**_

I feel the adrenaline rising from the tip of my toes to the last hair, taking away the anxiety of not even 1 minute ago. I'm in the right place. In my place, and this no one can ever take it away from me.

_**And I don't really care if nobody else believes,**_

_**Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me.**_

A mocking smile curves my lips, and my gaze is captured by Blake who is with her phone at the entrance of the booth definitely making a video of the performance. She almost looks like a proud mom of her kids at the school play at the end of the year. So weird.

**_Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep_**

**_Everybody's worried about me_**

The Bellas. The only people I've ever had close in my entire life, after leaving New York, I've driven them away. Amy. Lucky she was there.

**_In too deep,_**

**_Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)_**

I turn to Sam who, together with Alex, are the ones designated to do the choristers and to harmonize all the songs. They are phenomenal.

**_And it's been two years I miss my home_**

**_But there's a fire burning in my bones_**

My home. It's simple, a pair of blue ocean eyes and a redhead. Miss her so much.

**_Still believe_**

**_Yeah, I still believe_**

If there's even one chance, I can't help but hope for it.

**_And all those things I didn't say_**

**_Wrecking balls inside my brain_**

**_I will scream them loud tonight_**

**_Can you hear my voice this time?_**

I'll scream until you hear me. It's a promise.

**_This is my fight song_**

**_Take back my life song_**

**_Prove I'm alright song_**

**_My power's turned on_**

**_Starting right now I'll be strong_**

I hear my voice vibrate a bit because of the emotion of the moment and my hands shake, but I can't afford to be overwhelmed. I have to finish in the best possible way.

**_I'll play my fight song_**

**_And I don't really care if nobody else believes_**

**_Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me,_**

**_Know I've still got a lot of fight left in me._**

The last words are almost spoken. I look down and glue my eyes to the floor. I feel some tears forming at the corners of them. They are not of sadness, but of emotion. It was intense. I'm very bound to this song. I wrote it right after the fight with Chloe at my house. Everything points to her.

She's so irremediably and inevitably in my mind. I'm so screwed.


	17. Chapter 17

**~ Always ~**

**A/N: Before you read this chapter, I want to answer to some reviews about the last one. ****I know Blake and Beca should probably end up together, because honestly, why not? I could totally picture them as a couple, but not in this story. Or in any other story I could ever write about a Pitch Perfect AU. Blake is protective of Beca, and Beca sees Blake as a point of reference, someone she can count on. But there's nothing romantic about that, and even if I wanted to, I couldn't let the spark between the two of them burst. It's about sisterhood, which from my point of view is much stronger than a love relationship. I know there's a lot of drama and angst and Chloe's character is not what you might expect, and after this chapter you'll probably be even more convinced of your theory but I hope that as you go on with the story, you'll be able to understand that although the relationship between Beca and Chloe is a disaster at the moment, what bonds them is much stronger and goes beyond all that. I'm just asking you to be patient. There's gonna be a turning point. **

**Well, after boring you, I hope you still find the story equally interesting, and that said, enjoy the reading.**

Pov Beca

_Come on, Beca, we're gonna be late! You know they only serve food until a certain hour, and we're already late!_

She's unbearable. I don't know how she always drags me into such situations. Every time I hope to do something quiet, simple, nothing lively, never a chance. It's not enough to go just for work in discos and clubs, I also have to go to these places to spend my free time. And all this, to keep Amy happy, who made up the excuse to "celebrate" the release of my first track of the album, when in fact, it's only because she's been wanting to go to Dragonfly for a lifetime, but I've always said no to her.

_Amy I don't think your stomach will complain for, at least, until tomorrow morning. Nothing happens if we get there later!_

_Don't be a buzzkill! Get in the car, the others will be there already!_

_What? The others who?_

As I fasten my seat belt, I notice how Amy looks around as if to find something to say to deflect the speech. Obviously it wasn't something she should have talked about, not to me at least. If they arranged something behind my back, I swear I will kill them all.

_Uh... See you clearly misunderstood me, uh... What I said was ah.. Uh... The trees are all there, yay?! Uhmm. .We're surrounded by trees, it's a really nice neighborhood this-_

_Amy. Spill. Out._

It's been known since ages that I hate surprises. And even if you don't know, just look me in the face, I'm not exactly the type for this kind of thing. What the hell, even a blind person would understand that. I throw a grim glance at Amy, who in the meantime, got the car started and has printed on her face a smile of those pulled to hide the obvious mistake she made. God is so annoying.

_Amy._

_Ahhh...come on Shortie. You won't be able to get any other information from me, so put your soul at rest._

_I hate you, all of you._

_That's not true, you love us insanely._

I exhale a bothered sigh and turn completely towards the window, dropping the conversation. It is useless to continue discussing, now I am here, if there the situation will be uncomfortable, I will not wait even a moment to take a taxi and come back home. They know that I much prefer to know things in advance, it's a psychological matter. You prepare yourself mentally, it may seem stupid but sometimes you need it. Especially for shy people like me. I know very well that 95% of the social and performance anxiety will disappear once there, but it's just as irritating. Plus I don't even know who's going to be there, obviously I think the Bellas, maybe the Kids, maybe her?

I already feel my stomach revolting upside down, and a slight spark of hope seems to invade my body. I shouldn't feel like this, but I can't, it's stronger than me. I turn slightly towards Amy with a look that will surely seem between the terrified and the hopeful, swallowing conspicuously, as when you want to ask something but you are afraid to do it. The night has already started badly, if I had to find out that she will not be there, probably my mood would become even worse, but I also think that if I knew of her presence there, the anxiety would increase even more and perhaps even the nervous, for what happened at my home, her reaction and everything else. Shit. In one way or another it will end up worsening my mood anyway.

Y_ou know, I understand that I look good and staring at me can be a joy to everyone's eyes, but it seems like you're about to poo yourself and you don't have the courage to tell me. Everything okay? Should I stop?_

I'm distracted from my thoughts by Amy's comment, not realizing that I've been staring at her for a good handful of minutes. She's incorrigible, I don't know how she always has a ready answer.

_No, um... No! I'm sorry. I..._

_Got it, no urgent need. But are you okay? Are you like this for tonight? Come on Beca. There's nothing to worry about, it's not a big deal._

_No, I mean yes, but no._

I shake my head slowly and turn my attention back to the lights outside the window. They run so fast that it seems like continuous sparks of light making room for themselves in a background that leaves no space for anything but darkness. It's absurd how I am so easily influenced by her, by the very thought of her. I go from being hopeful of finding her there, to resigning myself to the reality of the facts within 1 second, and then whether she is there or not, I don't know how much difference it would has on our situation. "Our". I would say more mine than hers, since she has expressly stated that she has made a mistake. I would be her mistake. Who knows, maybe in these years she thought that I always was, from the beginning. But who cares, surely knowing it wouldn't make me feel better.

Y_es or no?_

_Yes and no Amy. I'm nervous because you, and God only knows who else, organized this evening at the Dragonfly without me knowing anything, and no because that's not the main reason, or rather the only one._

I answer her with a annoyed but firm voice. The evening did not start in the best possible way, I just hope that it ends better.

_Do you want to know if she comes, don't you?_

She takes a quick look at me and then turns her gaze back to the front. I look at her for a few moments, and then stare at the road in front of me, not focusing on any particular point.

_Forget it..._

I whisper in a low voice, doubting that she has heard me. Fortunately, she doesn't resume the speech and I thank her mentally because I sincerely don't want to know. I want to take it as it comes, I don't want to expect anything. I already create rather high hopes for myself uselessly, at least for today I want to try to reset them, although the most remote point of my consciousness suggests something else.

_Anyway Shawshank I haven't congratulated you yet, you crushed it! I've been watching you on streaming for the whole time you've been on the radio. I'm sorry I didn't come, but you know... Work..._

_What? You? Who are you, what have you done with Amy?_

I frown my forehead and look suspiciously at the blonde Australian. Yesterday she was supposed to be on the radio to watch my first performance, but I should have predicted that she would never come under the scorching sun in the middle of the morning, on the other side of LA, too many calories burned. It seems rather strange to me that she has a job, especially since she has such a bank account with so many zeroes that it is difficult to even keep them in mind, and she could live quietly on income. Courtesy of her mother.

_Weeeell... If you one day become the new Taylor Swift or the new Beyoncé, it may be that I become the new Charlize Theron or Cate Blanchett, who knows!_

I can't follow her speech. It's not the first time it's happened and I don't usually give it much relevance, but now it seems pretty serious. What does that mean?

_What?_

_Here you go. I haven't told anyone yet because it was all very pending, however... I was called to audition for a film with a role that wasn't really main, but not even marginal, and yesterday I was reading the script to prepare myself so I'm not-_

_REALLY? Wha-? Amy-? Why didn't you tell us? That's great! Bravo!_

I get a genuine smile on my face because I'm really happy for her. It's weird to hear Amy talk about work and aspirations but it's obvious she's also looking for her place in the world. At least I hope so.

_Yeah I know! If you keep smiling like that, probably your teeth will fall out and for a singer it's not the best._

_Bitch!_

I laugh a bit and realize how with a simple joke she has loosened the nervousness that I felt before. She's sure to make a career in the world of acting. She's quite a character.

After about 20 minutes I hear the car slow down and stop, noting that in the surroundings there is nothing that looks like the Dragonfly, no deafening music, no queues, nothing. We are on the coast of Santa Monica, everything is very quiet, it seems almost surreal. A few meters from us there is a place that overlooks the beach, those typical built with wooden planks to give a more characteristic appearance. I can't help but think about what these buildings were intended for in the past, what they saw, how many high tides they faced and how many sunsets they had the privilege of admiring. It's one of those places that looking at them, you can't help but imagine its history, they exude authenticity, and maybe even a bit of magic. There are several terraces and from the outside I can see how it is illuminated by a series of soft lights, like those used in the gardens between a tree and another to make the atmosphere as intimate as possible. Why are we here? Not that I'm sorry, it's a place that I prefer much more than Dragonfly, but I don't understand. The plan was about of night at the disco, Amy didn't stop to talk about this-

_Yeah, Shortie, if you were wondering, I said a bullshit, no Dragonfly for tonight. Don't thank me, it wasn't my idea._

_Why didn't you tell me right away that we were coming here?_

_It wouldn't have been the same, would it?_

I turn to her as we walk towards the entrance of the place. No, it wouldn't have been the same. It almost scares me as much as she knows me, even though I'm sure there's someone else's hand behind it. Let's say they know how to surprise me, this time for real. I already feel more relaxed, although pubs and discos are my habitat, spending an evening by the sea with my usual friends is something I wouldn't change for the world.

At every step I take I hear the sound of my shoes' soles against the wooden planks of the club's porch. It's wonderful. If you listen you can find music everywhere. Even under your feet.

_Evening, Miss Mitchell, could you give me your jacket?_

As soon as I'm in front of the entrance door, I find a young girl, who is probably 17 years old at the most, with a kind smile on her face and her work uniform all in order and within range, almost as if she had just left the laundry.

_No thanks, I'm fine._

I answer her with a smile and see how Amy has already headed to the terrace outside, without even waiting for me. The place isn't very full, in fact, there are only a few couples who are spending the evening there. The atmosphere is very soft, on the ceiling there are some fishing nets, in the corners there are lights in the shape of lanterns and there is a large bar counter with stools, typical for those who want to spend the night alone. On the other side of the room there is a large window that leads to the terrace, where I imagine there are also others. A bit of anxiety is felt again, I don't know why. Or rather I know, but I refuse to think about it.

Before passing through the stained-glass window I notice that on the left, there is a staircase leading to the lower floor and there is a small sign inlaid in the wood of the wall, with the appearance of the keys of a piano. Maybe I'll take a look at it later.

_Here she is! That's our girrlll!_

I see Stacie and CR approaching to greet me and after them, all the rest of the Bellas. I notice how Benji and Jesse are also present, who seems to have a flirt with Ashley? I'm not very update with the latest news, when they write on the Chat I just scroll without reading anything.

B_eca, congratulations! I knew you'd make it!_

It's strange to be so intensely hugged by one's ex, but, after broke up, I've always seen Jesse as the brother I never had, I love him and I suppose he thinks the same. In hindsight, we both realized that we couldn't work.

_Thank you Jesse, I'm glad you're here._

In one corner there are also the Kids with Joe and Ester. They seem to have integrated well with the rest of the group, as Tom and Ducky do nothing but talk more than enthusiastically with Stacie and Emily.

_Hey you, try to touch them with your finger and you're dead._

I address the guys trying to keep the expression as serious and intimidating as possible, making the gesture with two fingers pointing first at my eyes and then at them.

_Yes, ma'am._

They immediately raise their hands as if they had been caught in the act and I can't help giggling. They are really odd.

_Hi girls._

I greet Alex and Sam giving a kiss on the cheek to each of them, leaning from the back of the headboard of the sofa on which they are sitting. I hear Sam say something and keep talking to Ester and Alex, but even though I'm close to them I don't focus at all on what they're saying. My eyes wander all over the terrace, it's beautiful, the waiters come in and out to fill the trays of the small buffet set up on the other side, they all seem so happy and relaxed. My attention, however, is drawn by Jessica, on the sidelines in a corner, who seems to be talking to someone on the phone.

Y_es, yes, don't worry. We're all here, yes. Okay, see you soon. Bye._

I didn't want to eavesdrop but I couldn't hold myself back. I'm almost sure who she was talking to, especially since she's not here. Or I'm just making useless castles in the air and it was probably just her mother, or a friend of hers, or someone who was worrying about her. I'm just an idiot.

However, I notice how Jessica is looking at me with a questioning air and a sincere smile on her face, perhaps she has realized that she feels stared by me. I shrug my shoulders and smile at her briefly and then head for the drinks corner where there is a little boy ready to serve all the customers.

_Martini, please._

_Your tastes have improved, I see. I taught you well._

I turn to Blake who signs the boy to move to give her the space to prepare the cocktail herself. The martinis she makes are not made by anyone. Amazing.

_So what? The blonde is not there, did she have better things to do?_

_I guess._

I answer her by taking the glass that she brought me, not lifting my eyes from the edges, concentrating exclusively on the slight burning of the throat given by the first sip. If I had been at my house I would have drained the cocktail in a second, but I would like to keep a minimum of decorum, at least for now.

_Worse for her, she doesn't know how many people would like to be here with you now, and she, who can, doesn't._

_Probably because she doesn't want to, right?_

I raise my eyes to immediately, because more idiot statement could not make by her. It's obvious why she's not here, she don't have to rub salt in the wound.

_The fact that now thousands of peop-_

_Millions._

_Millions of people, whatever it is, follow me and love me, it doesn't change anything between me and her. She certainly hasn't changed her mind about me. I was a mistake, I am, and maybe I will always be for her. So, Cheers._

I make my glass clash with her with a smile on my lips that will probably look like a grimace of sadness, seen from the outside, under her perplexed gaze. If until 1 minute ago I wanted to have the decency not to overdo from the very first moment, now it's just a distant memory. Just like the Martini in the glass I have in my hand, now empty.

_Another one, please._

_Yes ma'am._

The waiter, back in his place, immediately starts to prepare another one without waiting any longer.

_Beca I don't think-_

_Sh._

I raise my right hand to stop her from talking. I don't want to hear anyone tell me what's best or worst for me. Because at the end of the day, nobody on this fucking terrace knows, neither do I, so it's just a waste of breath.

_It's my free day, my party, my friends, they know me, you know me. No one is a stranger. I have the right to enjoy the event, don't you think?_

I say to her looking her in the eyes with an almost apparent calm, the typical ones that herald a hurricane coming. I hate it when people say what I have to do. Especially in times like this, when although I'm happy to be here, with all of them, I always feel that something is missing. As if it were just a whole scene, nothing real.

_What did you say? Reset, right? Yeah, I need to reset._

_Okay girl, as you wish. But remember that thoughts can swim._

I see her walking away as she reaches Stacie and CR on the couch, who welcome her with incredible enthusiasm. I don't know how she likes everyone, maybe blondes with blue eyes have an extra gear. Who knows?

After about a couple of hours, several acceptance speeches that forced me to do, just to make me more embarrassed, and many more martinis drunk together with all the others, we are all a bit tipsy to be able to speak in a logical and sensible way. The customers of the place are almost all gone, we remain alone to make noise. Fortunately, there are no houses nearby, otherwise we would have been kicked out already.

The ocean breeze has cooled the night air a lot, a good excuse to get closer to each other to the center terrace to dance, since they have also added a background music to be able to entertain us. The only ones who preferred to sit comfortably on the sofas are Joe, Ester and Jessica, who, among other things, are the only ones who seem to have reserved a minimum of sanity, probably because they were destined to drive once they left here.

I can't help but think about what she's doing. How she is. She's definitely at her home with Chicago, having stupid conversations about her upcoming marriage. I wonder if things had gone well, maybe we would have gone that far too. I'm sure she'll be so beautiful that she'll take everyone breath away and even darken the sun. My chest already hurts just thinking that someone else will have the privilege of spending his entire lives with her. I was so stupid. After kissing her at my home I don't think she'll want to see me again, if she could have tolerated my presence before, now I'm not so sure. What was I thinking of doing? She's never going to choose me over Chicago, and I don't want to be labeled a family wrecker. I have enough labels on my shoulder already, I would like to avoid that too. Should I tell her that I love her? Probably. If you love someone you have to say it, yell it, but how could I do this to her? Chicago doesn't know anything about me, about us, I would ruin even the only thing she probably cares about most in the world. She's always dreamed of getting married, and I can't take that away from her either. I don't want to be the cause of her misery anymore. Perhaps some loves are destined to remain silent. Maybe not all need to be shouted from the rooftops, but they can be demonstrated with small things, with simple but difficult gestures. Like letting go. Who knows, maybe one day we'll go back to being friends, we'll go back to talking to each other without resentment, it will always be something instead of being nothing.

I move away from the railing on which I was leaning to observe the ocean, and head into the interior of the club. I want to see what's on the lower floor. Fortunately they are all very busy to notice my absence, so I have plenty of time to be able to be alone. Once I have passed the stained-glass window I descend the steps in the dark and arrive at the lower floor which, frankly, leaves me agape.

There are no walls, it's all open and it overlooks the beach. There are only the wooden supporting pillars of the entire structure at the 4 corners, with the linen curtains closed anchored to them with a rope, so as to provide a breathtaking view of the beach. There are no LEDs or lanterns, there is only natural light given by the moon reflected on the expanse of water. It's beautiful. And what makes it even more special, is the piano in the center of the room, shiny and well cared for, which you can not help but fall in love with as soon as you see it. As if it were issuing a call, like the mermaids for fishermen at sea, I automatically sit on the stool in front of the piano and caress the keys slightly. I learned to play by myself, I still remember the first time I had the opportunity to press these black and white keys, it was a stroke of lightning. I knew immediately that it would be my happy place in the darkness. Years ago I didn't have a penny to afford my own piano, I had the opportunity to play only when I was in the studio during my internship in New York, or at university in the auditorium where the Bellas rehearsed. It was a constant love, it never disappeared.

There's a calm I didn't think would belong in this world. The sound of the waves of the sea trying to slowly bind to the sand, then retreat and try again. The noise of the terrace can be heard, but it's far away, it almost seems that this place is soundproofed, even if it doesn't even have a wall. Probably it's the effect it has when someone comes down here, it completely breaks away from the rest and focuses exclusively on the natural symphony of the landscape.

She won't come, it's late now. Put your soul in peace Beca. It's just you, it won't change anything.

**_Did I disappoint you or let you down?_**

My fingers move on the keys by themselves, and my voice comes out feeble from my throat, as if I was afraid of heard myself. I certainly disappointed you, maybe I shouldn't have left. I should have kept fighting 2 years ago, maybe. I don't know anything anymore.

**_Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?_**

Many people looked at me sideways after everything that happened, without knowing anything. I felt guilty enough, I think I will never forgive myself for the pain I caused you.

**_Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,_**

**_Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won._**

I've always been afraid it might end badly, but I've hoped every night that everything would work out for the best. I thought I would protect you, but all I did was hurting you.

**_So I took what's mine by eternal right._**

**_Took your soul out into the night._**

The nights we spend looking into our eyes, so close that we can't recognize our breath. Your smell on my skin, my hands on your waist. What I would give to go back to those moments.

**_It may be over but it won't stop there,_**

**_I am here for you if you'd only care._**

Always.

**_Y__**o**u touched my heart you touched my soul._**

**_You changed my life and all my goals._**

**_And love is blind and that I knew when,_**

**_My heart was blinded by you._**

My voice is no longer just a whisper, but it gets louder as the song continues. The fingers press the keys harder and harder, as if they wanted to leave the signs of their passage on them, as if to impress everything I'm feeling in the glossy wood of this piano.

**_I've kissed your lips and held your head._**

**_Shared your dreams and shared your bed._**

**_I know you well, I know your smell._**

**_I've been addicted to you._**

And I think I'll never stop being one. Damn it.

**_Goodbye my lover._**

**_Goodbye my friend._**

Almost as if to underline the delicacy of these words, the melody becomes less and less strong, from the depth of a few moments ago, to the lightness of now.

Bye, my love.

**_You have been the one._**

**_You have been the one for me._**

The air around me just fills with my voice and the almost imperceptible sound coming from the strings of the piano.

It hurts so much.

**_And I still hold your hand in mine._**

**_In mine when I'm asleep._**

It's the only place where I can have you as I wish.

**_And I will bear my soul in time,_**

**_When I'm kneeling at your feet._**

I wish I could tell you everything I feel for you and hope you feel the same. But it's just a dream.

**_Goodbye my lover._**

**_Goodbye my friend._**

**_You have been the one._**

_Beca..._

**_You have been the one for me._**

My fingers continue to move independently on the keyboard in order to finish the song, when I'm distracted by the pressure of a hand on my shoulder, making me snap and turn.

_What the-_

_I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you._

My eyes are wide open and my beats are very strong that I think if you concentrate enough you can feel the pulse distinctly. Is it a hallucination?

_No, don't worry. You... When, uh.. When did you arrive? I didn't hear you._

I can't help but notice that her hand is still on my shoulder and that her eyes look even brighter than usual with this light. Why is she here? What a timing.

_I... I arrived just now, upstairs they are very tipsy and did not know where you were. Then I heard the music coming from the staircase next to the window and I went down... And here I am. I... I'm sorry I bothered you. You seemed so focused..._

Does it sound sad? Why is she sad?

_It's okay... You... How long have you been there?_

_Not much... But for what I've heard and seen... It seemed quite deeply felt as a song._

I get a gloomy smile and shake my head standing up from the piano stool, sliding her hand from the place where it was placed. I head toward one of the wooden pillars, leaning with a shoulder to observe the movement of the sea. It is as black as the night, as bright as the stars, a spectacle you never tire of. Just like the person who is with me here, I would never tire of her.

_Why are you here? I didn't think you'd come. Not after what happened._

I hear the sound of her slow, light steps, I could recognize her in a thousand. I don't think there's anything better to be able to recognize people who you love by their movements, by how they crunch the floor under their feet, by their breath. These are details that are imprinted in the memory, fragments of people who will always remain there. And every time you hear a sound, a noise or a smell that resembles what you know, inevitably the mind will present the image of your loved one in front of your eyes. But that's not the point, the problem arises when you're wrong, and what we thought we heard is not really what we expected.

_Well... I know, but the fact that I told you that what happened should never happen again does not rule out the fact that I don't want to be here to celebrate your success..._

_Yeah, really?_

I say it in a sarcastic tone of voice, because what just came out of her mouth seems to me to be bullshit. How can she stay so calm knowing clearly how I feel about her, and not putting herself in my shoes for a moment? God, can you want a person so much but at the same time want them to stay miles away? I don't know what hurts less.

_Beca..._

It seems almost supplicating, why? Does she feel guilty? Does she want to make amends? Did she realize that she's been treating me like shit all this time? What do you want from me?

We look at each other for endless moments, I feel the jaw clenching every second more to the nervous and the hands start to sweat. Why can't we just be happy together? Why do we have to do this to ourselves? And especially why she must always be so damn beautiful?

_Stop looking at me like that._

_Like what?_

I don't know where she is going with this. I'm not looking at her in any way.

_Like you want to kiss and yell at me at the same time._

I feel the salivation zero, and my eyes open wide slightly for her statement. How does she do it? Why does she do it? She can't keep doing this. The heart has decided to change position and end up in my throat, feeling its beat bounce like a drum in my chest.

_Do you want it?_

The tone of voice is low and deep, almost unrecognizable to my own ears. We are now in front of each other, we are no longer looking at the ocean and the stars, but it is they who are looking at us.

_Being yelle-?_

_No._

With every moment that passes the distance shortens, we do not touch, we do not force to approach, it is our bodies that move by themselves, recognizing each other.

_I thought I made myself clear._

_Are you telling me or yourself?_

Now more than talking, words come out like whispers, difficult to understand for anyone but me or her. I'm really exerting an unimaginable force of self-control, I can't take the first step. Not again. What happens next?

The seconds pass and our lips are almost touched, as are our hearts. She doesn't answer, she just lets her gaze wander over my entire face, no longer being able to concentrate only on my eyes. I wish I could move away, but it's impossible. It is as if there were a wall behind me that pushes me more and more towards her.

_Who was the song dedicated to?_

I get a slight smile because I expected everything but not this question. I don't know what exactly she wants, but now that I'm there, I can at least keep her on her toes a little.

_To someone._

I notice how she's biting her lower lip, like she's impatient to know something. I wish I could be pulling and kissing those lips.

_Me?_

_We're egocentric tonight, Beale._

Her lips open in a smile that could instantly melt me away. She's gorgeous, I don't think I'll ever get tired of repeating it. She is even more now with the silvery light of the moon reflecting in her eyes, and on her skin. She might look great in the sky, she's nothing less than the stars.

_You are beautiful._

Before my brain could filter out what was about to come out of my mouth, these two words had already flown off my lips without me being able to stop them. Great Beca, make yourself an idiot.

I look down shamefully, thanking the dark atmosphere, because otherwise the redness on my cheeks would have been noticed in a moment. I feel her hand resting on my cheek, and without being able to do anything, her lips have rested on mine so lightly that make me shivering. I can't help but be involved by the kiss, feeling her taste mixed with mine, her lipstick scattered around my mouth. There is no need to deepen the kiss, it is slow, sweet, it almost seems as if it was necessary. But it can't be like that, no. Not in this way, not under these circumstances.

_Wait Chlo.. Wait._

I tell slowly moving her away from me by placing a hand on her chest. I don't know with what willpower I did it, how I did it, but we can't go on like this. We just hurt ourselves, it just hurts me.

We remain equally close, I can smell her perfume and probably she also my own. We both look down, perhaps for fear of losing ourselves again in each other's eyes, and never stop kissing again.

_You can't do that. You're getting married._

_I know, I shouldn't... But.._

I follow every mime movement, every wrinkle of expression, every groove on her skin. Her forehead is frowning, but not out of uncertainty, or doubt, perhaps because what she is thinking is probably strange to her too, especially if said out loud.

_But what?_

_Why are you so inevitable to me?_

My heart has been working too hard in the last few days, and by now I have lost track of the times when it has gone mad. And now it's one of them. As if they were magnets our looks have crossed to merge, I would prefer forever, but I know that one of the two must put in place the reality, and at the moment, it seems to be me that person.

_Chloe... You can't tell me that, I.. You know how I feel about you, and every day I die because I'm not the person by your side... Please, stop..._

_How do you feel about me?_

Is it time? Do I have to tell her? Really? Can it change anything? I don't know. Well, worse than that. Of course, maybe a little salivation would help in these cases.

_I love you, Chloe. I've never stopped._

I don't realize I told her that. I could say that I've lost at least 10 kg by removing this weight from my soul. I told her. It's done. I told her once again of my love for her, I fucked myself.

A deafening silence falls, one of those who would prefer not to hear after saying 'I love you' to someone. She doesn't speak. What could you expect, Beca? You made yet another mistake. You're a lost cause now.

_And you?_

I don't think I've ever had a more insecure tone of voice than this, but I can't control anything of my body anymore. It went into automatic pilot, my mind no longer commands anything.

_I.. I don't know._

_Do you love Chicago?_

I can't even describe how much such a question cost me, but I have to make it clear, I can't keep fighting a useless battle.

_I think so._

She keeps looking away from me and squeezing her hands. She's clearly nervous, but she had to expect such a situation. I wish she was less confused. I hate monosyllabic answers, but I know that I couldn't get anything more right now.

_Uh... To whom do you think you have stronger feelings then?_

I don't want to give her the grilling, but if she can't clarify her ideas, someone has to do it, or at least try it. I would have much preferred that it wasn't me, but maybe this ungrateful work was probably meant for me from the beginning.

_Beca I.. I don't know, maybe him... Maybe... you. I'm sorry._

_Yeah..I know. I'm more sorry._

I take a step back and start going to the stairs with a slow pace and leaving soul fragments on the floor. It was supposed to be like this, some loves are not meant to be.

It had to be like this.

_Beca?_

I turn to the side with my head not raising my eyes, keeping it still on an indefinite point of the floor. Why do I always end up like this?

_Would you do what you did again?_

I raise my eyes and cross them with hers. The brightest. I probably have some tears that are already threatening to fall, but at the moment I don't even notice anymore. It's not worth it anymore.

_Always._


	18. Chapter 18

**~ Romeo and Juliet ~**

Pov Beca

I climb the stairs of the basement quickly, noticing that at the top, there are several eyes staring at me insistently.

_Well, what are you looking at?_

I turn to the window that connects the terrace to the inside, and I see Blake talking to Jesse about who knows what. I hope not me.

_Blake, give me the car keys._

_Oh... Okay._

I see my manager throwing the keys at me without hesitation, frowning her forehead slightly, and immediately after I make my way between Amy, Stacie and the others, who were still there at the edge of the stairs. I notice with the corner of my eye, how Long Legs is trying to make a smoke signal to Blake in order to get her closer, in the meantime that I head towards the bar counter, to recover the first bottle of alcohol that comes along, among those lined up on the inside to be within reach of the barman.

_I'll take this one, tomorrow I'll come to pay for everything. It's really an amazing place, congratulations._

I add, staring and winking at the boy on the other side of the counter, with a low but audible voice, who smiles at me and greets me cordially as I walk towards the exit.

_Beca, wait._

_Beca, where are you going?_

It's as if the world around me no longer makes any noise, as if I were in my soap bubble and heard nothing. I'm not interested in listening to anyone. Not anymore. Not now. Unfortunately, the bottle I caught between the others doesn't have a cork, but it has the typical cone-shaped spout used to prevent the alcoholic beverage from being poured more than it should. It's a shame that at the moment, what I need is not a moderate amount of alcohol, indeed. I forcefully remove the spout from the bottle and throw it backwards not caring exactly who I could hit or not, worse for him or her. I put my hand on the door of the restaurant and push it with energy, while with the other I keep the bottle to drink what seems to be whiskey. Few times I've tried it, I'm not a crazy fan, but now it doesn't make any difference, one is worth the other. I'm about to set foot on the porch of the pub, when I feel a hand stop me by the wrist and turn around.

_Beca wait. Where are you going?_

_It's none of your business._

I say turning back and taking another sip from the bottle, but I am stopped again in my path. I don't know how long I'll stay calm.

_What's wrong with you?_

_What do you think you're doing?_

_I don't know, maybe go away if you just let me?_

I get rid of Stacie's grip on my arm throwing a cold glare at all of them, pushing the front door again to get out of the room. I can no longer tolerate being in there.

_I'm coming with you._

I see Blake making her way through the Bellas and reaching me by putting her hand around my shoulders, continuing to walk with me without saying anything. That's it why I like her, she doesn't ask questions. She's just there. She understands when it's time to talk and when it's necessary to be silent. And this is one of those cases. We are now almost arrived at the parking lot, and unintentionally I turn my head on the side to be able to look behind me, from above Blake's arm, still in the same position. The girls are still all there, on the porch of the pub probably amazed by my blaze of glory. Only Amy has had the opportunity to see me in these conditions during the last 2 years, but the others have not. And maybe that's why she didn't intervene. She knows it doesn't come anything good. However, I can not help but notice how it seems that someone is trying to make room between them, to see what is happening. And there it is, my concept of happiness and misery in one person. I am furious. With her, with me. She slammed the door in my face once again. What the hell does she think she's getting? What the fuck does she want from me? God, I could slap her in the face. Our eyes cross for a moment that never seems to end, until I have enough. It's not fair.

I take another sip of whiskey from the bottle, closing my eyes to the burning throat that gradually becomes stronger.

So, this is it. I leave "ocean eyes" behind me, and no, it's not just the name of the place. Go to hell Chloe, you can't do this to me anymore.

_Okay, little bitch, we're here. Give me the keys, I'll drive._

_No Blake, I drive._

_Uh-huh. Drink or drive. Your choice._

I stare at her for a few seconds squinting my eyes suspiciously, but eventually I realize that at the moment, the only thing needed is to drown it all in this fantastic and so friendly bottle of alcohol, so.

_Okay, you win. But, go fast._

_Yeah okay, jump on. My car, my rules._

We simultaneously enter her two-seater Black Porsche and whizz away from that place. I don't know where we're going, what's going to happen tomorrow when I will wake up with a headache that I'll definitely regret, but I don't care now. I just want to try to silence everything in my head. Only for now, at least.

¦In the meantime at Ocean Eyes¦

Pov Chloe

She loves me. She said she loves me. After two years, she still has feelings for me. I feel like a bucket full of ice has been spilled on my head. Should I have expected that? I don't know. I knew there was something in her, between us, that connection that has always distinguished us, but I did not believe that way. Or at least not until I kissed her at her house. Since then, the confusion in my head has only worsened. What should I do? My God, what a situation.

_Chloe, can I talk to you?_

I'm being diverted from my thoughts by Stacie, who seems to be about to spit fire out of her mouth. I notice how Fat Amy is also following her, but she smiles at me weakly and approaches without saying a word.

_Yeah, tell me Stace._

We move to a corner of the pub inside, while the others return to the terrace probably to retrieve their belongings and leave. No guest of honor, no party, I guess.

_What game are you playing?_

_Um... What?_

I stared at her, furrowing my eyebrows, and moved my gaze between her and Amy, trying to pick up something from the Australian, with no result.

_Chloe, don't try to play dumb and answer the question. What are you doing?_

_I... I don't know. Really... It's all so confusing..._

I answer by bringing my hand to my forehead and looking down. I can't tell anything more, I have a storm of thoughts in my mind at the moment, of feelings that I don't even know how to classify. In less than a month I'm getting married, my ex has declared her love for me no less than 5 minutes ago, and now I have two of my dearest friends to question me. Can I disappear?

_Don't you know? Let me tell you something then: I don't know what happened more than two years ago, Beca never went into details about your breakup, but what I saw in this long period was a broken girl who arrived on the edge of the abyss and fell into it with all her feet, but as soon as she saw you, she looked a little less ghostly and a little more Beca. And even a blind man could understand that she is doted on you, and she would go and get you the Moon too if it were possible._

_Stace I don't-_

_No, let me finish._

She stops me raising her hand and looks at me with such a serious gaze that it almost gives me the creeps. I didn't think it would be possible to see such an expression on her.

_I know for a fact that she loves you, and I know for a fact that she is the only person who would make you really happy in this miserable world. But I'm starting to doubt that you're not the right person for her. Not after this last one of her exit. So do yourself and her a favor, take a step back and never be seen again, not until you understand what you want from life. If you decide to stay, stay for real. Otherwise go away, let her live her life in peace, because no one deserves to be the second choice. Especially not Beca. Makeup your mind, Ginger._

I remain with my mouth half-closed, stunned, as I see her move away and leave the restaurant, without any sound coming out of my lips. Amy is still here with me, in silence, probably because she shares Stacie's words but doesn't want to underline them further. Maybe my astonished and amazed face speaks for itself. I don't know what to say, I don't know if I can think of Stacie's speech as a scolding, but the feeling I have is very close. The impressive thing is that she spoke to me so firmly that it was quite surreal. I doubt I'll ever forget this moment. She elegantly told me to get out of the way, to fuck off. Maybe I should have expected this too, it was foreseeable that someone would take Beca's side. I just didn't think she'd talked about our 'situation', if that's what it's called. Or maybe not, and they figured it out for themselves. They probably know Beca better than I do now. I can't explain it differently. Especially because I feel a bit annoyed to know that she told someone everything that happened, without telling me anything. Well, what did you expect, Chloe? A registered mail? You can't get upset if your ex decides to talk about what happens in her life with her best friends, who, for the record, are also yours.

_Chloe?_

_Mm?_

I don't realize that I've been staring at a fixed point all the time for a few moments, so I look away from the floor and turn to Amy, who seems to be the only one who remains impartial in this story.

_I don't know what you're going through right now, and I don't dare to imagine what you have in your mind, but you should really solve this situation. Do it for Beca. Whatever choice you make, make it the one that really makes you happy, because I'm sure the only thing that matters to her is your happiness. So do it for her._

She puts her hand on my shoulder and looks me right in the eye and then hugs me briefly and walks away. I don't have time to reply, today it seems to be like this. Except with her, earlier she gave me plenty of time to answer in front of the infinity of the ocean, although my answers were more syllables than anything else.

Do I love her?

I can't answer that. That's the truth. I know that I care, she was still my girlfriend, and before that, my best friend. My ex-girlfriend, who kept a lot of things behind me, who didn't worry about me being hurt when I saw her so far away from me, who lied to me, who kept such an important part of her life from me, and it's inevitable to ask myself if I really know her. Can I still trust her? What version of Beca has she shown me all these years? Who have I fallen in love with? Was it just a part of her? The real one? I don't know.

Am I afraid?

Yes. I'm terrified. I don't think there's anything worse to experience than confusion and total uncertainty, especially about something so important. I am afraid to be further disappointed, to find myself again in 2 years, with something hidden, something not said, and I would feel twice as bad.

Am I really considering getting back together with her? What about Chicago?

He loves me. And I love him. He never let me down, he never made me miss anything, he was always there, he gave up his place in Philadelphia to be with me in New York, and now he decided to move to the other side of America with me, for me, to build a life with me, a family. And that's what I want too.

With him?

That was the plan. Or at least I thought it was. I had planned a life with him, a happy life, and now it just looks like a good picture. One of those perfect paintings, that sometimes it is difficult to even imagine them in real life. And maybe that's the problem? No. It's not. My problem is me. Neither Chicago, nor Beca, nor anyone. I don't want to choose, I didn't think I would ever find myself in front of this situation. It was a closed chapter. I had moved on, I had left her behind. But I probably didn't realize that it was one of those chapters that is too beautiful to read only once, and it is read continuously, until the pages were worn out. Maybe this is love? Devoting ourselves for each other? It can be.

Would I do it for Chicago?

I'm marrying him, I think that's enough as an answer.

Really? And for Beca?

God. It's so tremendously difficult. I kissed her twice, I can't even describe how I felt. What if it is just a moment? What if it's just a temporary thing? If it was just because she came back into my life so suddenly, and only catched my attention for this period? What do I do if that's the case? I can't allow it. Not for me, not for her. I should step aside and end this story. It's the best thing for everyone. Right?

Then, why do I feel like it's the wrong one?

_Miss? In a little while we'll be closed, the others are almost all gone, do you want me to call someone for you?_

I turn to the waiter who has kindly approached me with a friendly smile on his lips, although from his face you can see the tiredness of a long work shift.

_No... No thanks. Forgive me if I stayed longer than I should, goodbye, and congratulations for the place._

_Don't worry. Safe return Miss. Goodnight._

I open the entrance door leaving it immediately behind me and slowly descend the steps of the porch. It's a quiet night, you only hear a few crickets singing and the sound of the waves breaking slowly on the beach. It is the perfect scenario to share with someone important, to create memories, to imprint in your head the scent of the sea, the salt, the splendor of the stars and the beauty of the person who is next to you, in this light a bit 'special. These are things that hardly happen many times in life. These are magical nights, when it seems that the world has decided to make you a gift, creating the right conditions to make them unforgettable. Just like in movies. And as if it were meant to be, as if the major forces had decided that it should be like this, she chose the right night to tell me "I love you". As if she had unwittingly wanted to make witnesses of her feeling, all the beauty and infinity of what was in front of our eyes. I don't think I can ever remove such a view from my mind, as her eyes, as dark as the waters of the ocean, stormy, but which even so represents the safe haven where anyone, if lucky, would take refuge. And she gave me the chance tonight. She made me one of those lucky people. Do I really deserve it? Is that what I want?

_What man art thou that, thus bescreened in night, So stumblest on my counsel?_

(A/N *Who are you, hidden in the night, that stumbles on my thoughts?*)

I whisper, looking up at the sky and contemplating the stars. Shakespeare. It's absurd how some things don't change over the centuries. How the stories told by people, poets and writers are always the same. Especially about love. And if in the poem Juliet spoke about Romeo, in my case it can only be her. Irremediably in my thoughts. What do I have to do to send you away?

I hear the phone vibrate in the back pocket of my jeans indicating a new message. I unlock the screen immediately, and notice how there are some notifications coming from Bellas' chat thanking for the party, and two texts from Chicago.

**Chicago 1.45 am**

_When will you be back, love? I just got back from Bernie's party._

**Chicago 2.13 am**

_Babe, would you that I wait for you awake? Let me know as soon as you leave, do you want me to come and get you? Love you._

Can he be more attentive than he is? I don't think so. He would pick me up from Santa Monica at this hour so I wouldn't have to go home alone. That's probably exactly what I fell in love with, two years ago. He takes care of me, he always has. I was so lucky to find him, and soon to marry him.

However... she did it too, she remembered everything. Nothing missed her and there was no need to ask her anything, because she was already doing it, or had already done it. And it's not just about material things, it's also about asking me every day how it was veterinary school, or waiting for me every night so that we could have dinner together, or coming to pick me up from school so that I could go home with her. Our house. How strange it is to remember that place. I loved it more than anything, as much as I hated it. After breaking up with her I always looked for another apartment, I didn't want to stay in that one anymore. Too many memories, her smell soaked in the walls and bed we shared. It hurts, it hurts a lot. But unfortunately for me, I couldn't find anything better. Maybe it had to be like this, I had to live with her constant memory every day. Even though I wouldn't have forgotten her anyway, even if I had moved to the top of the world. Chicago often asked me why he couldn't spend the night with me in my old apartment, but I never told him the real reason. As bad as it hurt me to be in there, I didn't want anyone to erase or overlap Beca, what Beca was in that house. Especially not in our bed, where we declared our love more than once. I couldn't. I always told him that the sofa bed was uncomfortable for sleeping and it would be better if he slept on the stones than there. It wasn't a lie at all, that sofa was really terrible. If I concentrate I can still feel the springs of the mattress sticking under my back. But lying there with her was what I was looking forward to all day long. I couldn't wait to watch her fall asleep next to me. Beautiful.

But it's just the past now, and nothing will ever be the same again. So it's better to go ahead and leave it all behind before it's too late.

**Me 2.17 am**

_I'm leaving now, CK, I'll be there in half an hour, or so. Don't wait up, sleep quietly, honey. Love you._

I retrieve the keys from my bag and get into the car, throwing the phone on the passenger seat. I push the button to start the engine and automatically my hands reach the steering wheel. It almost seems like I don't want to leave this place, it's as if in that open basement I left something that belongs to me. Something I can't let go of. But I have to. Right?

_Ah...damn it!_

I forcefully push the accelerator in order to be able to backtrack and I leave the car park, going down the street. From the rear-view mirror I notice behind me only a little 'dust raised by the abrupt movement of the car. Or maybe not just that. Also a part of me left there, of which I will have to forget sooner or later.

There's no one around, fortunately, I'd venture to add. It's just me, competing with the white stripes of the road, to those who go faster. They're speeding next to me on this lonely night, as if they were the only ones to keep me company. I turn on the radio to fill the oppressive silence that surrounds me and leaves room only for the noise of my thoughts. It's not exactly what I need right now. I don't want to think, I don't want to ruminate on, I don't want to do anything. I just want tonight to be suspended in time, so I can't go on. But it's not possible.

The voice of the speaker echoes in the car without me paying much attention, until it is replaced by the first notes of a song that I wanted to avoid listening now, what timing. It almost seems like a conspiracy. _Fight song._ It's her song. She's pretty damn good, my God. Her voice has always enchanted me. Ever since I discovered her singing Titanium in the shower at Barden. You can hear her anger in the words, her disappointment and her desire for redemption. If I closed my eyes I could even imagine her singing. It would be the exact representation of the fire. Burning. I can't imagine what she went through when she left, what happened to her, I had no clue what she had been through all her life. I had no idea, she never told me about it. I wish I knew. Maybe I should talk to her, I don't think it's right to leave things hanging like that. Or I should just avoid her, get out of her life without making any noise. Don't let me see or hear again. Well, I don't think that's a problem, it doesn't already happen. It's just that the Bellas are in the middle, and she's part of it. Do I have to give up on them too? I can't take them away from her, not now that she seems to have resumed a bit of a relationship with all of them. Almost all of them.

Is that really the conclusion of everything? I didn't imagine it that way. Or rather, I hadn't imagined it at all. I thought it was all over already. And I also got used to the idea of being left like that 2 years ago. Maybe I was also okay with it, in a way. I had someone to bear all the responsibility for the situation, someone to blame, someone to be angry with. But now there's no one, there's me. Sometimes it's easier to find others guilty of your own misery, or your own misfortune. When it comes to yourself, however, you can never admit it. We always look for the quibble, the expedient, to lift whatever the weight that is on our heads. But in this case it's different. The weight to bear is the lack of courage, the fear of being hurt, of colliding with a person who is not really who you thought she was, of disappointing those around me. Maybe I'm choosing the easiest, or probably the most difficult, way. I don't know. Is it easier to live a life already planned, a good life, with someone next to you who really loves you and be aware that in a parallel universe, maybe if I had made another choice, I would have been equally happy, maybe even happier, but with less sureness, or, the opposite? Living a life of which nothing is known, full of uncertainties, and to know that if only I had chosen otherwise I would live a life with more tranquility? What is better?

It's so absurd. I should choose between remorse and regret. A life of regret or a life of remorse? They seem to be the same thing, often you get confused. But they are two totally different concepts. The _regret_ comes from the lack of something, something that has been lost. Rethinking with bitter nostalgia. And in my case what I lose, is her. Or maybe I've already lost. _Remorse_, on the other hand, is a turmoil derived from an action performed, from an error. Something that torments us, that leaves no peace. Simple life. Planned. It could be the remorse that I will always carry with me.

I was wrong. I can't choose between a life of regret or remorse. These are not two feelings that are excluded. They are two sides of the same coin, if there is one, there is also the other. So whatever I do, I lose something anyway.

What if there is another alternative?

No.

It's not there. Damn. 

After about 20 minutes I reach the street of my house and I park my car in front of the garage, in the alley. I notice that the bedroom light is still on. Maybe Chicago waited for me awake, or he fell asleep with the light on and didn't turn it off. I pick up my bag from the passenger seat and the phone and get out of the car, heading for the front door. There are LEDs in the garden that indicate the small path of stones that crosses the fake grass to reach the steps of the porch, where instead there are the lanterns that illuminate the entrance. Everything is rather suffused. Nothing blinding.

_Where the hell are they? Why can't I ever find them?_

I try in vain to look for the home keys in the bag, which as always, as far as I'm concerned, is comparable to a black hole in the universe. I should start to put things in my jacket pockets, or keep them in my hand at all times. Maybe that's the only way I won't spend eternity finding them. And even in this case I have doubts.

_Oh thank God!_

Finally I can find them in the most hidden part of the bag, the inner pocket, which for normal people is obviously not so hidden, but for me it is. I put the key in the door patch but suddenly I hear the phone vibrate against the palm of my left hand, indicating the arrival of a normal message. Who the fuck is at this time of night? Or should I say morning? Well.

**Beca Mitchell 2.43 am**

_Youtf're fucknig beatful. But also fiuckng bitch. And I love you and I hatesd yoiu, shit. Fuck you. You brke my heart oncr agin. Damn_

What the-?

**Beca Mitchell 2.44 am**

_Dont you evet talk to me againns. Never again. Stauy aeway froaam me. I fuuhcking love you, and you lov tha assholls of States. You'rrr with a state of Statess._

**Beca Mitchell 2.44 am**

_Ahahah. State of States. __I'm hilaridjious._

Okay. She's not fine. Not at all. What the hell is wrong with her? I don't-

**Beca Mitchell 2.45 am**

_Chloe. I'm Blake. I ripped the phone out of Beca's hand, she's definitely drunk. But even though her brain is mush, she said what you deserved. Stay away from her, otherwise you'll have to deal with me. Peace and love._

Blake. What right does she have to talk to me like that? She doesn't know me. It's just Beca's fucking manager, what the hell is she doing with her private life? What nerves. Stacie is not enough to give me a lecture, even this blond giraffe we missed. What the hell does everyone have today? Suddenly it seems as if the world has turned against me. As if I had become the enemy from which everyone has to stay away. No one is a saint here. Not even Beca. And it seems that no one understands it. As if I hadn't suffered, as if I am not suffering now. Just fuck off. Nobody can tell me what to do and what not to do, let alone a hen blonder than me.

I hold on my cell phone tightly and I snap the door lock going into the house. I just want to go to bed, to Chicago, the only one who seems to have no problem with me. I hang my bag on the coat rack at the entrance and head quickly to the stairs to go up to my room. I'm so angry. That's what I didn't need tonight, too. I preferred to be calm and confused, than confused and a nervous wreck. Damn it. Damn me and that day when I got the happy idea to give a party for my wedding. It was totally uncalled for. None of this would have happened. I would have been clueless forever. Or maybe not. Who knows? I would have much rather remained unaware than that.

My feet reach the bedroom door, from where a glimmer of the lamp's light comes out. Take a deep breath, Chloe. Calm down. If he saw you in this state, he would definitely start asking you questions and now is not the time to talk about it.

I place my hand on the handle and push it down so that I can slowly open the door, in order to not make noise if he is sleeping. And there he is, bare-chested, with his glasses still on his face and an open book left on the bed, still with his hand trying to hold it, in vain. Probably the reading was not so exciting if he fell asleep like this. I approach slowly, taking the book from his hand to put it on his bedside table. I take off his glasses from the face and involuntarily stop to observe him, just touching his cheek with my finger, caressing him. It's so beautiful. Does he really deserve all this? Have I really considered giving him up? How? He's been close to me all this time, and if we've come to take such a step it means it's not just a rebound. He's not a second-best. But can I call him the love of my life?

What a difficult question. Maybe. Probably yes. I don't know. God, I was so sure before I met Beca again. How annoying.

_Chloe... You're here._

I'm distracting from my thoughts as soon as I hear his voice slurred by sleep, and I notice how he's blinked several times to get used to the light of the lamp on his bedside table, smiling slightly.

_Hey... Yes, I arrived a few minutes ago. Is the reading not so interesting?_

I ask him in a low voice, giggling slightly as I see him positioning better in the bed, sitting completely on the mattress with his shoulder resting on the headboard.

_Terrible indeed. Are you all right? You look thoughtful._

I lift my eyes immediately, crossing them with his, I didn't think he would notice. He senses everything, even if she is half asleep. Absurd.

_Yes, all right, babe. Go back to sleep, I'll change my clothes and join you immediately._

I answer by holding his leg slightly with one hand, and then get up so as to go to the bathroom to change.

_Wait. Come here. I missed you._

I feel his kind grip on my wrist, stopping my advance towards the bathroom. I turn to him and all he does is look at me like any woman wants to be looked at by whom she loves. There is nothing but love in those two dark wells. Without saying anything, a spontaneous smile makes my lips curve and slowly I approach him, lying in his arms.

_You know, I know a faster way to make you change. Want to experiment?_

I chuckle always rather subliminal messages, he's a real idiot sometimes. But it makes me laugh, and that's important. No?

_Oh, I guess. I have a few ideas._

I answer him in a playful way, lifting my face to reach his gaze and as if it were completely automatic, our lips meet halfway, clashing and starting an endless dance. Our short breaths, his hands on me, which gently push me to lie down on the bed and take off every garment they meet on the way, and mine on him. That's what I needed, isn't it? Or is it just a distraction? Is it just a way to escape from something? A barrier I'm creating to avoid dealing with the situation? A month ago this would have seemed to me a very normal thing, one of the many intimate moments with my boyfriend, future husband, so why now do I feel like I'm cheating on someone? Why do I feel like taking advantage of him?

I'm just impressed. It's not like that. I love him. Right?

_Wait, wait... CK, maybe. Um... Maybe it's better if we just sleep. I'm very tired. Do you mind?_

I see him rising from my body almost immediately, leaving a trail of wet kisses from my chest to my neck.

_Sure, babe, don't worry._

He positions himself behind me, to the side, as if we were two spoons, he the big one and me the little one, wrapping my waist with his arm.

_Thank you, good night CK._

_Good night, love._

He kisses me on the nape of my neck and I feel his deep breath shattering against my hair after not even a minute. He has an impressive ability to fall asleep. Good Lord.

It wasn't supposed to be like this tonight. It wasn't supposed to be just that way. What did you do Beca? Why can't I send you away?

Damn it.


	19. Chapter 19

**~ Bury it ~**

**A/N: Since in few days there will be some changes in my routine and I won't be able to update the story once a week as usual, I will post all of the remaining chapters so as not to leave anything hanging. **

**Thank you guys.**

Pov Beca

_Okay, guys, let's take a break! We're doing great!_

We've been stuck in the recording studio for almost 3 weeks to complete the album. Only in the evening, late at night, do we go back to our homes exclusively to sleep, sometimes not even that, and the next morning we are here again. 3 weeks. And I was hoping that she would text or call me. What an idiot. Once again. I don't know why I still hope for something that will never change. It's really the last to die, but I really wish it was extinct. It would spare me the continuous vain illusion of being able to see her through the door of my studio, or home, or even on the street, at any time, day or night, and perhaps, just by looking at me, she would understand that I am what she wants. You're just dreaming about Beca, not even in the best romantic and honeyed films does it happen. Behave yourself.

Needless to say, I jumped headfirst into work, I practically live here. I'm the only one who has the keys of the studio, besides Joe and Ester, and I'm here more than it was supposed to be. If I've seen my house four times in all this time, it's even too much. Not to mention the nights when I necessarily happened to work as a DJ, at this point I think there's more coffee in my veins than blood. A week ago, or two days ago, I don't have much of a time concept lately, I also went to the hospital for the usual check-up I'm forced to do after the operation. It seems that everything is okay, but they still wanted to perform the blood tests and they want me to have a CT scan to prevent any other kind of problem. What a pain in the ass. Just because they've seen me particularly tired. I'd like to see that. Not that I make a life exactly quiet. However, after all that has happened, any sign of discomfort, even the most insignificant, can turn out to be an alarm bell. So I have to do it. I cannot protest. Mainly because I have that Shepherd hawk that controls me, and who always stays well informed on my condition, although she is divided between LA and Seattle.

I've bonded a lot more with the guys than I've done recently. They are good friends, and they believe a lot in our work, in our group. I think there is nothing better than working and spending almost all your day with people who motivate you, who believe in you and who you learn to know and accept even in their most absurd oddities. Like Dustin and his craze with sticks. He has to rub them with a rag for at least 5 minutes before he starts playing. And you're in trouble if you stop it. It's a ritual. Or Alex who snaps her left index finger and always has chewing gum between her teeth, making bubbles at the wrong time. Like when she forget her microphone is on and we're recording. We'd like to strangle her sometimes, but I think she's already at risk with her chewingum. I thought I was interested in her, not just in a friendly sense, but I was wrong. And I think she has really understood my situation. Maybe it's for the best, it would just have made things more messy.

_Joe, can we have some fun?_

I turn to Tom who throws a cunning glance at Joe, who seems to have a question mark instead of a face. A bit like everyone else, except those three pesky boys.

_Well, it seemed to me like you were already having fun. Anyway, go ahead, it's your break after all._

Joe adds smiling and coming out of the recording booth to settle beyond the glass that separates it from the rest of the studio. I notice how on the couch there are Ester and Blake talking excitedly about a new gossip affair among Hollywood celebrities. What a great depth. But I'm sure it's Blake who pulled out this debate, and Ester is too good to back her off.

In all of this, I still don't understand what Tom is going to do, so I quickly look at the last scores that Joe and I produced, so I can keep the sequence in mind and avoid making mistakes during the last recordings. The album is due to be ready in a few days, and we're all in ferment. We can't afford mistakes.

In the background I hear the first notes of a song that is very different from the ones we usually sing, but that conveys pure adrenaline. I smile, - because come on, how can you ignore a song like that?! - without distracting attention from my sheets. Now I understand what he meant about 'having fun'.

_C'mon Becs, I know you want to sing!_

I lift my eyes and slowly turn towards them, giving my back to the glass of the cabin, grabbing the pole with the microphone. The smile does not leave my lips and I notice how Sam and Alex started to snap their fingers to boost the rhythm, joining the guys. I'm not really thinking about it, it's as if my body reacted to the melody on its own. I take a deep breath and let myself be carried away. That's what I need right now.

_**I think I'm drowning**_

_**Asphyxiated**_

_**I want to break the spell**_

_**That you've created**_

My voice comes out strangely dark, low, husky, not my usual voice. I didn't even think to reach such low notes. But I don't care. I don't think about it now. I close my eyes and what I can see is just her. Who enchanted me, or cursed me. It depends on the points of view.

**_You're something beautiful_**

**_A contradiction_**

**_I want to play the game_**

**_I want the friction_**

I never thought about how well these verses fit in with me and her. To us. It happens almost at the right time. Awesome, the timing is making unimaginable jokes with me lately.

_**You will be**_

_**The death of me**_

_**Yeah, you will be**_

_**The death of me**_

I carry a hand automatically in my hair, sliding it between them. It sounds extreme, but it's actually a little extreme. It was when we broke up, it is now that it has denied me again. She'll never stop making me feel that way.

_**Bury it**_

_**I won't let you bury it**_

_**I won't let you smother it**_

_**I won't let you murder it**_

It's probably what she wants, maybe it would make her much more comfortable, but how do I suppress everything I have inside? I've been doing this for a long time, now all that's left is to leave the wound open, in the air. Bleeding. Sooner or later it will dry out and the crust will form on its own. But I won't let it take that away too.

_**Our time is running out**_

_**And our time is running out**_

_**You can't push it underground**_

_**We can't stop it screaming out**_

I hear the music fill the void with words, before moving on to the next part. I open my eyes and notice how everyone is looking at me with amazement, almost with their jaws on the floor. Alex throws a wink at me while she continues to play the music, while Joe and Ester seem to be caught up in a sudden frenzy of looking for headphones to hear better what's going on in the cabin. I could say almost power, lightning, electricity. Because that's what I feel on my skin. Not to mention Blake and Fat Amy - what's she doing here and when she got here? - who seem like two avid fans at their first concert. With a mobile phone to record. Absurd.

_Someone likes it, isn't it Beca?_

_You're an asshole Tom!_

We joke loudly since the volume of the instruments is very high. He's a real idiot that guy, but he knows how to lift the situation making it a little more exciting. Like now. Maybe he understood that I needed to let off steam, and he came up with this song. Perfect, I'd say. I turn my back on the kids and stare at a point in front of me, but I don't look at anyone in particular.

_**You will suck the life out of me**_

If she was here, I'd look at her and make her understand what she's doing to me. I carry one hand on my chest as if I wanted to cling to myself, as if it were worth my life, while with the other, I keep holding the microphone.

_**Bury it**_

_**I won't let you bury it**_

_**I won't let you smother it**_

_**I won't let you murder it**_

The blows on the drums echo in my ribcage, in my veins, in any cell in my body. It makes me feel alive, free. I could move a mountain as I feel now.

_**Our time is running out**_

_**And our time is running out**_

_**You can't push it underground**_

_**We can't stop it screaming out**_

_**How did it come to this?**_

As the last notes of the song play in the recording room, my hands automatically take their place at the sides of my body, almost as if to demonstrate a sort of defeat, a resignation. If just a moment ago I felt the adrenaline mixing with my blood, I felt invincible, now there is only room for emptiness. Nothing, again. The knuckles of my hands become even whiter than they normally are, in a fury of clenching my fists. I don't notice the whistles, the applause, and the revelry of others. Not immediately at least. My mind is just focused on two pieces of sky, and hair as blond as wheat. Maybe I shouldn't have told her that I love her, it made it even more real. And unfortunately, reality is not always what is expected. Or it was probably my mistake of judging and I should have expected it.

That doesn't change things anyway.

_Beca! Wow!_

_You guys were great! Beca, whenever we think we've recorded your entire vocal range, you always do something new! You're amazing!_

I'm dazed by my thoughts from Joe and Ester who swooped into the cabin to congratulate us. A spontaneous smile forms on my face and I turn to the guys who have all printed face the pure enthusiasm. They are just children.

_You're too nice guys, they're the ones who did it all! I only followed them!_

I answer pointing to the rest of the band behind me as I see Blake and Amy approaching us with their eyes glued on their smartphones.

_Your fans have literally gone crazy, Shawshank! I made a live on Instagram and you can only imagine what's going on here._

I frown on my eyebrows because I thought she was just making a video, not a Live one. Damn her!

_Amy, what the hell? It's rehearsal, it can't be broadcast live! What does the brain tell you?_

I get closer by taking her cell phone from her hands to see what she's done.

_Wow, calm down, tiger! Someone is nervous! For the record, it wasn't the rehearsal, it's the break, so it seems to me that everything is pretty fair, isn't that right, giraffe?_

She answers me with a mocking smile on her lips while my eyes almost want to strike her. If they only find out about it on the upper floors, I'm fucked.

_Fat Amy is right! She hasn't done anything wrong. You seem to be not very active on social networks and when such an event happens the delirium explodes. You've got to hire a press secretary! Your fans are cheering you on!_

_Blake! Don't give her any credit! If John and the others see that-_

I'm interrupted by the look of my manager who suddenly became impassive. The typical glances of when someone just said something they shouldn't even have thought. I shouldn't be surprised anymore, practically always looks at me like that.

_Are you serious? How do so many worries fit into such a small body? Really, relax! John won't say anything, it's a video in which you sing, which by the way is what he pays you for, so a little advertising doesn't hurt._

_Yes but-_

_Uh-huh, nothing but. It's not even a song on the album, so, sleep quiet dreams baby._

I look down again at Amy's phone to see how many messages are coming, how many posts they've created on this live broadcast in less than 5 minutes. I have incredible fans, maybe Blake is right. I should be a little more active and answer someone every now and then. In the end without them I wouldn't be anything. Just a girl like many who likes to mix. I've been neglecting a lot of things lately. So do they. And they don't deserve it.

I take a deep breath and wearyly give back the phone to Amy, under her almost worried gaze. I pass them by and head to the sofas of the studio to be able to recover my belongings and go. The others are still busy talking to Joe and Ester, maybe about this last 'performance', if that's what it can be called, probably to improve the harmony of the sound. I know the rehearsals aren't over, that we're on break, that I have an album to finish in a few days, but now I need to get some air. I have too many things on my mind.

_Hey Joe, do you mind if I go for a while?_

I get closer to the sound modulation plane so I can push the speaker button and let the producer hear me.

_Everything okay Beca? We should be recording in a bit._

_Yeah, it's okay. I just need some air. If you want to start with the bases, I'll catch up with you later._

I notice how Ester gave me the thumb sign up and wink, indicating that I could leave, without any problems, although Joe seems a little hesitant. That's okay, I'll make up for it tonight. That's how it works now. I turn my back on the recording booth, retrieve my sunglasses from my bag and head out. I just hope neither Blake nor Fat Amy will chase me to ask me what's wrong, what's going on and all the questions they usually ask when I leave a place without giving much explanation. Sometimes I like to know that there is someone who cares about me, but other times I just wish I could leave without being annoyed by anyone. And 95% of the time is the second option. I am the prototype of antisociality made in person. How did it occur to me to do such a job? I must have hit my head hard in the orphanage, something is definitely wrong.

Fortunately I reach the ground floor without any problems, and then I leave the building to go and get the car from the parking lot behind. There is no place in particular where I have to go or want to go. But since I am here, I think I should go home. Just to make sure everything's all right. Maybe eat something, if there's edible food in the fridge. Damn it. How long has it been since I've been grocery shopping? It will be weeks, not that I eat a meal worthy of being called it every day. Quite the contrary. Lately it's just taken away. It doesn't matter, I don't think I'll ever spend a decent lunch or dinner at home with someone, in my near future, so. I'm used to it now. Having an empty fridge should be the least of my worries. Yet it's not exactly like that. I always thought that in a house, having the fridge always full, means that there is someone to take care of, someone to share the most important moments of a day. I've never tried this before. I don't know what it's like to have someone who takes care of you, who prepares you a dinner, or breakfast. I just had a taste when I lived in New York, with Amy and her, but it didn't last long. Maybe I'm supposed to be on my own forever, after all, what about an orphan girl? I may be or become the most famous person in the world, but I don't think there will ever be anyone waiting for me at home in the evening. Or rather, I don't think there will be the person that I want and that I would have liked to consider my family. That's a nice word. I wonder if I'll ever get my own. Maybe I won't admit it out loud, but that's my biggest wish. Or maybe a need. Is there a difference? Sometimes it does. But in my case, I would say no. I don't even know whether to keep fighting for what I want. Should I? And what would the result be? I've had proof that it's not me she wants. I just have to try to resize my feelings for her. I don't have the faintest idea where to start, but I think it's the only solution. I could move to another city, across the country or to Europe. That would be great.

Meh.

As if the first time it served any purpose. The positive side is my job, I'm going on tour for almost a year, so I'll have time to relax my mind. Yes, work Beca. Focus on that and it will all go away. Maybe I should be a little more convinced when I think about certain things. Details.

Finally I reach the parking lot and pick up the car keys from the bag with some difficulty. I start the engine and head home automatically. After two years the road could be done even with my eyes closed. But better to avoid it. There is an unbelievable traffic, as always, maybe I would have done before to go on foot. It's absurd how people spend almost 75% of the day in the car, in a column, waiting for a miracle so that the cars in front of you open up like Moses and the Red Sea. Or like Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty. That would be great. Hey You, who are up there, maybe you could do a replica and help me? I'm starving. Maybe I should take a detour and buy something. At home there will only be dust waiting for me. Or once there I could order at home, yes I think I'll do that, I don't want to waste twice as much time, which by the way never seems to pass. I think it's at least 10 minutes that I'm always standing at the same point and not advancing. It's exhausting. Involuntarily I turn my eyes to the window to look around me and the person in the car next to me seems to recognize me. God, that's not all I needed.

_Oh, my God, it's Beca. You're Beca Mitchell. I can't believe it!_

I can hear her muffled voice since my window is closed, but as if it were an automatic thing, I plaster a nice smile of circumstance, because you know, you can't disappoint the fans, although the situation I'm in now is blowing my nerves. With all possible spontaneity I greet the girl with my hand, giving her a nod but it seems not to give up. She keeps on talking in the car and I'm almost forced to lower the window to understand what she's saying. Since we're here, at least I'm spending time chatting. My God, it must be hunger, I never thought I'd say these words.

_Hey... Hi girl!_

_Oh Jesus, Beca is talking to me, Mooom! Beca is talking to me!_

I notice how the girl is wriggling with enthusiasm and the mother who is driving can't help but hold back the spontaneous smile that curls her lips seeing her daughter so happy. I laugh because I never imagined meeting a fan in such circumstances, and probably not even the girl here expected it.

_Hi! I'm a huuge fan of yours! I am looking forward to listen to your album! And see you on tour. You are sooooo awesome!_

_Oh you're really kind. Thank you... Um, what's your name?_

_Lily!_

_Oh, cute. Thank you Lily. You made my day! I hope you to enjoy my work._

I extend my hand so that I can touch her one against the edge of the car window. Yes, we are really close with cars, the traffic jam is absurd. However, it is an automatic gesture, the one typical of when you want to express gratitude. It almost seems to shock her, and I refrain from laughing at her expression. She's really so funny, probably someone would describe her even tender. Surely I would have the same reaction as her if I will ever be touched or looked by mistake by Beyoncé. I could pass out instantly. I feel her hand squeezing mine tightly and looking at me with supplicating eyes. Differently enough, I would have already interrupted this physical contact from what can be expected of me in other circumstances, but this little girl seems to really love me. Yet she doesn't know me at all. Strange thing idols. You get attached to someone knowing absolutely nothing. It's almost unconditional. There's something that snaps and puff, you love it. It makes me think that I really have to arrange a meeting with the fans, the closest ones at least. Who knows how many others like her would like to be simply hugged by me, or greeted. And I really want to repay them for their affection.

_I.. Um... I would really like to take a picture with you right now! Damn it._

_Oh sure, give me your phone. I'll do it._

_Really? How?_

I can hear hope in her words. It's an unthinkable situation to take a picture. But while we're here, why not try it. If the cars start to move, they'll wait. An extra min doesn't make a difference.

_Ah just give me your phone._

She stretches me her phone after finding it from her backpack and automatically opens the internal camera to take the picture. I slightly protrude my head to be able to see me in the frame while she fronts onto the window to be able to get as close as possible. I shoot at least 5 of photos repeatedly, changing expression in at least two of them.

_Okay girl! Surely they will be awesome. Here's your phone._

_Omg, thank you thank you thank you! It's the best day of my life._

I notice how the cars are starting to move. It's time to say goodbye to Lily. What a beautiful name.

_No I have to thank you. I hope to see you soon! Gotta go. Bye bye little red!_

Slowly I start to advance with the car, greeting with one hand the little girl. Red-haired. Not intense, but not even off. Almost tending towards blond. Dark eyes, and freckles. She has the face of a girl named Lily.

_Byeeeee! I love youuu!_

I hear her voice getting farther and farther as I increase speed. On the one hand it was time for us to move, I was melting in my car under the sun, but on the other hand I wanted to keep talking to the girl. I have to call Blake to arrange something, she's in charge of these things, I pay her for it. Maybe later, when I have enough sugar in my brain to be able to formulate a meaningful sentence.

It takes about 20 minutes and I finally get to the driveway to park my car. It is time that my prayers, about the hope of finding anything edible in the kitchen, begin to raise. Please make sure there is something. Please. I enter the house and once the bag is literally thrown on the couch, I head to the kitchen to see if I'm actually going to eat from here in 3 seconds or I'll have to wait an eternity before a delivery comes to bring me the food.

Roll of drums.

…

_Yay!_

Spaghetti and tomato sauce. I didn't remember at all to have things like that stored in the pantry - ah yes, I wanted to impress Alex by preparing one of the typical Italian dishes. Stupid idea by the way, she is Italian, how could I have impressed her by cooking something typical of her country better than she has ever experienced in her life? What an idiocy Beca. Now the point is to understand only how to cook pasta. I think I need water. What about the sauce? Do I have to cook that too?

YouTube. I need a tutorial. It's my only salvation right now. God, what a shame.

After finding a video that seems more or less reliable, I look for all the material I need, two pans. So far I've got it. It won't be so terrible, I can do it. One filled with water, more or less to the brim, done. In the other one I have to put some oil, and a clove of garlic. Garlic? Really? If Mr YouTube says so, I trust him.

"_Let it brown for a few minutes and then pour in the sauce and cook until it boils..."_

To your orders, boss! What a day today, I never imagined that I would find myself cooking pasta and sauce. I just hope it comes up decent. Or at most edible. I don't want a Michelin starred dish. Okay, focus Becs, you're missing the passages.

Only after a quarter of an hour do I finally manage to make my wonderful spaghetti with tomato sauce, basil leaf and lots of cheese. I have no idea how long ago it was, but I checked and it hasn't expired yet so it seems like my lucky day. I turn on the TV just to have some company and not feel the deafening silence of my house, interrupted only by the noise of the cutlery against the plate. In the meantime I check several e-mails received in recent days to which I have not had the opportunity to reply, including the one in which is attached the poster of my tour. First stop Los Angeles, of course, the day after San Francisco. I will also arrive in New York, it will be difficult to go back there, but I will have to do it sooner or later. I will try to make new memories, to be able to replace the old ones, not very beautiful. Now that I think about it, I should try to create a meeting with the fans there too. Maybe before the concert, or afterwards. Or maybe I could surprise them by going a day earlier and making a last-minute announcement. I need Blake. I start the call immediately and wait for her to answer me. In the meantime I finish this delicious dish. I should try to cook more often, since the results.

_Tell me Hobbit!_

_You know I could fire you, right? You should show more respect for the payer._

_Tell me your royal highness, how can I help you gladden your day?_

I almost choke on a mouthful, laughing at what she has just said, especially at the face with which I think she said this sentence. She's so odd.

_Um... You're dork. Anyway I called you because I wanted to talk to you about something and see if it could be done or not._

_Oh, okay. Tell me everything, should I worry?_

I can see from her tone of voice how her attention is now all turned towards me. No matter what she's doing, when I call her for work she's always on the alert.

_No, no, nothing to worry about. I thought it would be nice to have the opportunity to meet the fans before the concerts on tour, maybe surprise them, I don't know, arrive a day earlier for each date and have a meeting. I've been wanting to meet them for a long time but I've never had the right way or the time to do it. What do you think?_

_Wow, that's a great thing to do. However, you're going to need more funding to get you all flying a day earlier in each city on the tour, the flights have already been paid for the others, I don't know if-_

_Hey hey, slow down. Can we at least try? See if you can do it, I really want Blake, I wouldn't even have suggested it if it wasn't important._

I look down and pull my lower lip slightly, waiting for the blonde to answer me. I don't know if her silence is a good sign or not, if she's stalling so as not to immediately and drastically decline my idea, or because she's really thinking about it. In the meantime I hear the bell ringing, which is strange, because I was not waiting for anyone at this time of the afternoon. Who the hell is it?

_Beca I don't know-_

_Wait wait. Just a minute._

I approach the door, looking through the peephole to see who has come to bother me. Everyone I would have imagined, but not this person. What does she want now?

_Blake, I have to leave you. I have visitors. Promise me you'll take care of it?_

_I'll make the possible Bec. I'll talk to you later, call me if you need me. Bye._

I close the call and open the door while still holding the phone with my other hand. That's a surprise.

_Well, I have to admit. Not even in my wildest fantasy would I have thought I'd find you on the porch of my house._

_Hi Beca, can I come in?_

What's wrong with her? It seems almost harmless. What happened to her? Doesn't she spit fire out of her mouth anymore?

_Of course, come in._

I do my best to make her pass by, I don't understand why she's here. It's strange to me that she also knows where I live. I thought she considered me to be equal to nothing. Or at least that's what she said.

_Sorry for the intrusion, did I interrupt your lunch?_

I notice how she fleetingly looked at the kitchen counter, where I actually eat lunch, dinner, breakfast, everything, despite having a more than decent table on which to eat like normal people. But these are details.

_Don't worry, I had finished it anyway. Do you want something to drink? Unfortunately, I only have that to offer._

_No thanks, I'm fine, I just..Uhm. Why do you do that, Beca? Why are you kind to me even though I've always put a spanner in the works?_

I stop to observe her for a moment and a tired smile, which looks more like a grimace, appears on my face. What does she want from me? What's her point?

_I wish I could tell you that my parents educated me like that, but unfortunately I can't, because I never had any._

_I... Beca, I didn't-_

_You didn't know, yes. Nobody knows, except Amy. I thought Chloe knew it too, but obviously she doesn't. Isn't that right, Aubrey?_

She looks down and fixes her gaze steady on her hands that seem to be holding the handles of her bag tighter and tighter, as if it were worth her life.

_Why are you here? To what do I owe the honor?_

My tone of voice is low, still, she can't say or do anything that doesn't make me touch the bottom more than I did in my life. I have nothing to lose now. Might as well stay calm and try to figure out what she wants from me. God Mitchell, since when did you become so wise? I'm afraid of myself.

_Well. I'm about to leave and several weeks ago I had an argument with Chloe... About the letter you gave me in New York._

_So what? We both know that the letter never reached its destination, otherwise I wouldn't live just by inertia and you wouldn't be here._

I see her nodding slowly, it's one of the very few times she nods to something I say. I could get excited. But I still don't understand what the point of this whole situation is. Would she like to apologize? Does she want to argue? I don't think so, she's being too submissive. Does she want me to pour all my frustration and accumulated anger on her? This could be an idea.

_Beca I.. I'm sorry for what I did. I know I haven't been fair to you, and to Chloe. I am so sorry. But at that moment I was blinded by the pain I felt seeing my best friend devastated because of you and..I acted impulsively. I'm sorry._

_Wow._

I stand still and stare at her with a shocked air. Did I really hear right? What the hell is going on here?

_Yes, I know. 'wow'. I can swear I've never been in a more difficult situation than this, but I'm about to leave and I didn't want to keep anything "hanging"._

_Where are you going to go?_

I never really cared much about her life decisions, or what she did in her spare time since it was unsustainable at the time, but now I'm genuinely interested in what will happen to her. I could almost get along with this new version of Aubrey 2.0.

_I'm going back to New York for a while, at least. The studio I work for required my presence there and since I don't have anybody here anymore, I go home._

She responds with a melancholic, almost sad smile. I can see that she doesn't want to go, but that she doesn't even have a reason to stay. Just like me, more than 2 years ago.

_Does Chloe know?_

_Not yet, I'll go and tell her as soon as I get out of here. That is, if she wants to listen to me._

I take a deep breath and get a little closer to her who, once again, has a bowed head. She really feels guilty, I can't blame her. If I had been in another situation I would have thrown her against the pasta dish dirty with sauce and I would have told her not to be seen again, for all that she has done. But I can't blame her too much, the mess was created only because of me. Not her.

_Aubrey, perhaps I should have imagined that you would never have had that letter delivered to Chloe, but part of me wanted to try it anyway. I was desperate. But what happened is not, and will never be your fault._

_Yes, but I've gotten worse-_

_Maybe yes, maybe no. Maybe that's just how it was supposed to be. Think about it, Chloe is happy now, she's getting married to someone who has never hurt her and who loves her. She wouldn't have any of this if it weren't for you and that letter she didn't have. Maybe it was for the best._

I tell her by placing her hand on her shoulder and then crossing it and heading towards the kitchen to be able to wash the dishes. Yes, I have a dishwasher but I like to make dishes by hand. At least when I'm nervous, it relaxes me.

_Beca?_

_Yes Posen?_

_Do you still love her?_

Shit. My glass slipped in the sink and now it's in a thousand pieces. I even cut my palm off. Damn it.

_Hey you all righ-? Oh, fuck._

_It's nothing I just need a cloth..._

_Nothing? You're losing a lot of blood Beca! Do you want me to take you to the hospital?_

_No! No hospitals! It would cause a stir on the media. It's a little cut, I just have to wait for it to stop bleeding. Then I'll bandage it._

She hands me a clean, dry cloth from one of the drawers under the sink. I just hope it stops bleeding right away, otherwise I'll have to put the stitches on, and I'd really like to avoid it.

There is an almost surreal silence. It's as if the question of a few moments ago echoed between the walls without giving me a break.

_Yes, I do._

_Then don't give up._

I let slip a brief, sarcastic laugh, as if to underline the absurdity of her words.

_There is not even the slightest hope that she can choose me Aubrey, she would have already done so. I've already given up. And frankly, I no longer have the strength to fight._

_I know you're exhausted, Beca... But I also know that Chicago is not the man she loves. Not as much as you. She just has to admit it to herself._

I lift my eyes from my hand to meet her look, she seems sincere and for once she seems to be on my side. Should I believe her?

Instinctively I shake my head from right to left, denying almost everything that Aubrey has just said. It seems impossible. That can't be the reality of the situation.

_I'm sure it's not easy, and that trying it again means still running the risk of finding yourself with your heart in a thousand pieces. I'm just telling you to think about it. The choice is up to you. But make it the right one, for both of you._

She approaches me and with one hand still my head so she can kiss me on the hair. What. It. Is. happening. I could bark at her in a nanosecond even just for approaching so close to me, but I'd just be false. I can't deny that right now the closeness of someone is the only thing I need. And strangely enough, that someone happened to be her. I've never seen this 'maternal' side of her, I dare say. Shocking, but pleasant. I just wish she had been like that to me from the start. We would have had a good friendship.

I see her heading towards the front door to leave, retrieving her bag from the couch. The blood stopped, fortunately, so she won't have to take me to the hospital. Very good.

_Aubrey?_

_Yes?_

_Thank you. And for what it's worth, everything will be fine. Chloe is really lucky to have a friend like you._

I see her smiling spontaneously, a sincere smile, sweeping away a few wrinkles of sadness from her face. She needed it, I imagine she spent the last few weeks blaming herself for this whole thing.

_Go and get her back, Mitchell. See ya._

She winks at me as she leaves and closes the door behind her.

What the hell should I do now?


	20. Chapter 20

**~ Cut or Stitch ~**

Pov Aubrey

I close the door behind me and head quickly to the car parked in front of Beca's house, so that I can go to Chloe. It's so absurd, you can't think of one without the other in mind. It's always been like that, and I knew it from the very first moment that something would happen between the two. I feel so guilty about making things more and more complicated, about not seeing Mitchell with different eyes and always rowing against her. I made a mistake, but now I hope I've done the right thing. For once. I've seen how much she cares about her, how deeply she's still bonded to Chloe. I just wanted to see it sooner, maybe I could have saved both of them a lot of suffering. Maybe I could have brought my best friend to her senses and not put gasoline on the fire. And that letter.. Damn it. I was an asshole. I just wish I could go back and get it back. Give it to her now. It would be the right push to make her understand what she's really doing, which is the biggest mess of her life. And as her best friend, or former best friend, who mattered, although I've supported this relationship with Chicago so far, I have to make her open her eyes. She can' t go on like this. I'm sure she loves him, but I'm also more than convinced that in her heart, there is and will always be the alternative girl from the Barden activities fair. Nothing can change this and she just has to admit it to herself. My father always says "age wrinkles your body, but quitting wrinkles your soul". Well, I don't want to see one of the most important people for me living a life with regrets. I should have done it sooner, but better late than never. Right?

I expected a different attitude from Beca, I had imagined the most disparate scenarios in which she would have done nothing but argue against me or slam the door in my face, and instead it was the exact opposite. She was really better than me once again. Just like Chloe told me a few weeks ago. God, I feel so stupid that I haven't given her any more credit in all these years. Maybe I've always seen her more as a rival than a friend, as someone who could take my place at any moment with an almost disarming ease, and what's worse is the belief that one has in these situations, that something like that can happen. And I've built walls around me, and even around Chloe as much as possible, I've been selfish and a bad friend, but my overprotective side, when it comes to her, always takes over. I just want her to understand once and for all, that I really feel guilty for everything I've done, for lying to her and betraying her trust. There is no worse. The only and perhaps even last thing, I can do now for her, is to rub reality in her face, and make her understand that she is wasting the opportunity to live her life with her one true love. It may be that we will argue again, and that I will be kicked out of her house only after 2 seconds, but trying does not hurt. I have nothing to lose. Not anymore. Fortunately, the streets at this time of the afternoon are not very crowded, and the two lovebirds do not even live a few blocks from each other. It's something incredible the case. Some people don't believe it, but I think sometimes the forces of the universe focus so much on something that eventually happens, like a coincidence. And the fact that Chloe unknowingly found home next to the DJ's is clearly a sign.

After about 20 minutes I reach the house that hosted me for a long time when Chicago was not there, and luckily I notice how there is parked Chloe's car in the driveway. It means she's there and I didn't drive away in vain. I pull my car over to the sidewalk opposite their house and head quickly towards the porch. As I get closer I hear more and more distinct voices and especially tones that do not seem to be very peaceful. What the hell is going on?

_What the fuck does that mean? Why didn't you ever tell me anything?_

_CK I.. Please let me explain..._

I lean a little close to the door and bring my ear closer so I can understand what's going on. I don't want to get involved but Chloe seems to be crying and Chicago doesn't seem to calm down at all, quite the opposite.

_Chloe, I asked you to marry me, for fuck's sake! And you're hiding something like that from me?_

_Chicago I-_

Silence. No. There was a noise and I would have liked not to hear it. I rapidly look for the keys in my bag that Chloe had given me when I came to stay with her here. The idea was to give them back to her today, but at this point I use them directly to go in. I don't like the situation at all. I insert the key into the lock and quickly open the door. What's in front of me is not what I ever wanted to see. He still has his hand in mid-air and she has her hand on her face. I can see that on CK's face the feeling of guilt is making its way, but he should not have even allowed himself to do such a thing.

They seem not to have noticed my presence until I step forward and both turn their eyes to me and hear the noises of my footsteps.

_Maybe you should go for a walk, don't you think?_

I tell him lapidary staring at him, not leaking any emotion. He could do anything, but he couldn't even imagine to hit Chloe. I could burn him in place if I spit fire.

_I... Chloe, I'm sor-_

_Weren't you going?_

I stand between him and Chloe, putting myself in front of her as a shield, with my arms folded. She doesn't say a word, she just has a red cheek and shiny eyes. How could she after all? I never thought I would experience it, but it seems to be exactly the same situation as it was more than 2 years ago, with Beca. Only in that case it was Chloe who slapped her, and no one was there to defend the brunette. It was really so unfair. I can't imagine how she felt.

_I'll... I'll call you later._

With this Chicago moves away and retrieving his bag, leaves home with only an almost religious silence, which I am also a little afraid to break. I don't know if she's relieved of my presence or not. Her face only seems to reflect sadness, almost bewilderment. What the hell happened?

_Chloe?_

She lifts her eyes immediately, it almost seems that now she has noticed me. Her face is streaked with a few tears that I think and imagine are only the first of a long series, and as if it were an automatic action, she reaches out to me to be embraced. Just like two years ago, like all the time I spent comforting her. If there's one thing I promised myself was not to let anyone hurt Chloe anymore. That I should see her again in this state. And instead I failed in that too.

_Hey hey, tell me. What is the problem?_

I tell her by squeezing her hard and stroking her shoulder slowly to calm her down. If she is in this state it means that something serious has happened, and maybe I also suspect what it's going on. Damn it.

_Bree... I... It happened... a mess. Beca... I-_

She answers me briefly because she's shaken by the hiccups of crying, but it's enough for me to understand that Chicago has discovered something about them. I never supported her hiding something as important as her past relationship with Beca, but it was her choice, and I couldn't push her too much.

_Breathe, Chlo. Calm down. What happened with Beca? And why was Chicago so angry?_

_The messages... The ones she sent me... He read them and... and... My God, I ruined everything!_

Messages? Since when have they been texting? Or do they keep in touch? And above all, what were they about in order to make the situation so much worse between the two?

_Chloe, talk to me. Only in this way can we find a solution together. Come on, sweetheart. Stop crying!_

We approach the couch to sit next to each other, she with her hands on her legs and her head down facing me, while I remain silent respecting her time and waiting for her to calm down. I don't want her to feel obliged to tell me something she doesn't want, or to feel oppressed by me. Not anymore. I want to be more helpful and open to her.

_I.. You know I never mentioned Chicago about me and... Beca, and I was going to do it, to explain everything to him before the wedding, so we wouldn't have any secrets, but..._

_Did he read these messages?_

_Yes... Well, when the platinum party took place, I arrived late because I stayed at work until 11pm...a horrible day. And.. Well, when I got there, she was in the basement alone and uhm-..._

I notice how she is clearing her throat, probably out of shame for what she is about to tell me. Although I've actually already imagined what happened in that pub, but maybe letting her say it out loud may make her realize something she's too afraid to admit.

_Here we go... There was something... Between us, but as you can deduce, there was no good ending...at all._

_What do you mean?_

_We didn't have the best ending of the night. I... I think I really hurt her and... Then she got drunk, I imagine until she didn't even remember who she was anymore, and she sent me messages... That I'm an idiot I haven't even deleted._

The silence in the house falls again, I don't know if she will continue to explain the situation to me or that's all there is to know. The thing that I can perceive, however, is the sense of guilt that leaks from her face. And what's important is that I don't think it's for Chicago.

_Um... Although there are a few points that are not very clear in all of this. Chloe...did you want there to be a different outcome for that evening?_

_What? No! I mean, yes, well, I would have preferred that we had left each other in a more 'friendly' way if you could say so, but... I couldn't expect any more from her._

She's looking down on her legs and she can't face me. She can't keep doing this, she's been lying to herself for too long, and unfortunately I helped her as well. That's enough.

_Chlo, look at me. Why couldn't you expect anything else?_

_Because...I.. I broke her heart... Again._

She answers me with a low and trembling voice. Until a few moments ago she had calmed down, now it's as if the patch she had put on to stop the spillage of water from a dam, had broken and everything is inevitably flowing fast. As well as all her anxiety and worries right now.

_Chloe... I do not know what happened, but I do know for sure what is between you two. And you know it too. You just have to be brave and say it to yourself._

_I... I can't Bree, I can't. I have to solve the situation with Chicago and...and in two weeks we get married, we have to finish the preparations._

She gets up from the sofa to start walking without a real need, except to dig a hole in the floor. She is running away, not literally, but she is. And I can't let her doing it again.

_Chlo stop! Enough. Do you realize that you're just hurting yourself in this way? One second you are desperate for Beca and for what you did to her, and you are too afraid to admit what you really feel, and the second after you raise the very high walls around you, and return to play the part of the future bride, too busy, to think even for a moment about what goes through her head._

It's like I blew up. I couldn't hold myself back anymore. She is destroying herself, and in the end she won't be able to recognize herself in the mirror if she continues to live a life that is not her own. She seems dismayed. Actually, I rarely have such exploits, but I only reserve them in extremely necessary cases. And this is of vital importance, I dare say. Her eyes are wide, glossy, and her mouth is half-open. She certainly didn't expect me to tell her this kind of thing, since my line of thought has always been totally different. I supported her when it came to leaving everything behind, leaving Beca behind, and just seeing the beautiful future with Chicago, but I didn't realize that she was getting further and further away from her authenticity in order to live a planned life. Beautiful, but not fully heartfelt.

_Aubrey.. I..._

_Chloe, please think carefully about what you're doing. I... I'm sorry for hurting you and not being a good friend to you all this time, even though I was doing my best to put the pieces back together with you._

_Bree really, there's no need-_

I raise my hand to stop her, now she has to listen to me. And I hope that my words will have any effect on her, preferably the desired one. I just want her to see things differently, and to really see how this situation can no longer go on. There are two possibilities: cutting or stitching.

_Let me finish... I.. I realized the enormous mistake I made, well, the many mistakes, but I'm here because I want to make up for it and try to be a better person, a better friend._

I take a deep breath and intertwine the fingers of my hands, extending my arms downwards and lowering my eyes for a moment. The most difficult thing for someone like me is to admit that you're wrong, and put aside your pride, even for a moment. But Chloe deserves this and more.

_All this to tell you that... I know for a fact that you've changed, that the life you've been looking forward to alongside Chicago is perfect, and that you almost seem to be waiting for nothing more than to start a family with him. Surely it's a good project, which can work, but I don't think it's the right one for you._

_What does that mean? Shouldn't I start thinking about wanting a family?_

_Of course you do, but that's not the point. I meant that... Chicago, he's not the one for you._

I notice how she locks her jaw and keeps her gaze fixed on me, as if I had said something she would never want to hear. She was convinced that he was the right one, that they would spend their whole lives together, but it doesn't take long to break convictions when they aren't based on something true, and that's the result. Her serious and striking glimpses give the impression that there is still something to defend, when actually it is already all crumbled.

_Chloe, I know you're afraid, but the only thing that makes this life a little less horrible is to do what the heart tells us. And we both know that Chicago is not the one to whom your heart belongs._

_I.. I thought I could forget her and move on. I had almost succeeded..._

_It's in the almost that lies the difference._

_I guess._

I turned around for a moment to pick up the bag left on the coffee table, I didn't imagine having to spend all this time with her and I'm late for my flight. Fortunately, the luggage is already in the car.

_I... Um... In a few hours I have a flight to New York, I go home._

_What? Why? Are you kidding?_

I hear the surprise mixed with worry in Chloe's voice. Coming here I didn't imagine she would be interested in my departure, but maybe I was wrong, maybe she's not completely angry with me.

_Well, no. I'm going back there for a while, they contacted me for work and I accepted._

_How long will you be gone? Why didn't you tell me?_

I get a little closer to her, giving her a one-handed arm grip. We've always been next to each other, for years, it's going to be hard to get away.

_Well, Chloe... We haven't talked for weeks and I thought you didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, so..._

_Oh, no Bree, what the heck are you talking about? That's absolutely not true, I was just angry with you... I just needed time to, you know, process it._

She responds by raising her shoulder slightly and smiling gently as usual. This is the authentic Chloe, the real Chloe, the one who smiles with her eyes. I hope she chooses her.

_I have to go now. Promise me one thing though. Please, please, follow your heart, and be brave._

_I'll try Bree, I promise._

We hug each other strongly, as if to be able to erase all the discussions, disappointments and bitterness that have been between us in this last period. As if we wanted to restore what was before. That was my intention in coming here. And fortunately, at least in this I succeeded.

_Do you love her?_

_Yes, I do._

I notice how she waited a few moments to answer, perhaps because she wanted to take some time before admitting out loud what she has been suppressing all this time. Finally.

_You know, it may seem weird to you, but it's the same thing she said to me. See you, dearie!_

I wink at her and leave, leaving her in her thoughts with an old, but always deep-rooted awareness: her love for Beca. 

Pov Chloe

It's been at least two hours since I've been sitting on the couch staring at my cell phone on the table in front of me. Chicago has not come home yet, and I sincerely wish he would not show up for a while, although this situation needs to be resolved. I feel as if I have taken a weight off my chest, as if the flame I tried to smother with ashes had suddenly caught fire in me.

I love her, God, I've always loved her. I was just looking for an excuse to escape from this feeling so huge that it was scary. Especially after everything that has happened between us. But I can't run to her now, even though I would like to. I first have to solve all the mess I made with Chicago, and then try to get close to her. That is, if she still wants me. I'm not sure if she wants to see my face, or hear my voice, not after the party of almost a month ago. I don't know if I would have ever had the courage to admit to myself the love I still feel for her, had it not been for Aubrey. Surely if she hadn't intervened I would be looking for something to justify Beca's messages to Chicago at this time, or probably now I would be having make-up sex with him. I'm a coward. I don't think she deserves such a person. My God, she risked everything when we lived together in New York to protect me, and I paid her back by just kicking her ass. I know the story may seem absurd, but I believe her, I want to believe her. And I want her to know. I can't imagine how much time she spent blaming herself for our breakup, and how much pain she inflicted because of me. And I thought she was the perpetrator. I've been unfair. I only saw what I wanted, perhaps because at that moment, acting in this way, I managed to get the attention that I missed again from her at that time. But that's definitely not the way to get attention from your own girlfriend. Not by slamming the door in her face, or by slapping her.

I was wrong.

And what makes me even more angry is to think that only after 2 years I have come to this conclusion. Only after being involved in the Sabrina case. If it hadn't been for this, I'd probably still be irreparably convinced of my ideas now, I'd be convinced that Beca cheated on me, and that leaving her, albeit with all the pain that came with it, was the best thing that ever happened to me. And I would still be convinced that what I felt, deep down, under my skin, every time I thought even for a moment about her, was just pain, sadness and resentment. Surely everything has not disappeared by magic, it is a wound, which has been made, and in these two years has had the opportunity to grow more and more, ignoring it.

But now, it's different.

It is still there, but admitting to be in love with her and giving a bit of credit to her words has made the wound less bleeding. I've been suffocating her memory for too long, and perhaps I should have foreseen that sooner or later everything would come back to the surface. You can't stop loving a person, not if that person has stolen your heart and you haven't even had the strength to take it back. I have fooled myself that I have done it in these 2 years, but the truth is that what I was building was just a wall, around an empty space, to protect what was left of her.

Because when you lose someone, you do everything you can to keep as much as possible this person has left leaving, and I had only that to keep, the void.

I'm not saying that these 2 years with Chicago were totally negative or that I pretended to love him. No. I was fine, he helped me a lot not to think, to focus on the present, and although with him I faced the worst that comes after a breakup, I never managed to move forward. Not entirely. It's like when something gets stuck on you, like a piece of paper a little wet under your shoe.

That no matter how hard you try to get it out, you can't. So ask someone for help. And that someone was Chicago to me, he only removed the sides that protrude from the sole, but what was not visible remained, and sealed well.

You believe that by not seeing someone for so long, you automatically forget them, or you don't think about them so often. There have been days when it happened, when I've been so busy that I didn't give a single second to her, and to what she had been for me. And I feel so guilty now, I should have called her, talked to her, I should have been there. I wanted to be there for her. When she signed her contract here in LA, her first night as a DJ, the release of the song became a platinum. When she didn't feel enough. In which she felt broken by the too much weight of expectations.

I've missed so many things, too much. And all because I was blind and deaf. I pushed her to go away, because at that moment the pain I felt was so strong that having her close to me would have driven me crazy, more than I already was. I remember every single moment, every sleepless night spent in the bed turned towards the part that was hers, every lunch or dinner spent staring at the empty chair of that tiny table, that no one and especially not me, tried to occupy in some way. It was terrible. But I don't know how awful it was for her here. And I would love to know it, to catch up on every little detail of her, which I have lost over time. God, I was so stupid.

I bring a hand to my forehead so I can rest my head and close my eyes. What's waiting for me now? I don't know. It's all a mess. What should I say to Chicago? I think he deserves the truth after all, but I'm afraid of his reaction. I know that the slap he threw at me before, was just the result of the anger of the moment, but that doesn't justify the violence. And thinking about it, I feel even more like crap because I behaved exactly like him two years ago with Beca, and I didn't even apologize to her. How could she want to be with me? Wait, I don't even know if she wants to be with me. You can love and hate a person, and above all it is not said that if you love a person then it means that you necessarily want to spend the rest of your life together. Wooow. Chloe. Calm down. You're running a little too fast. You don't even know if she's going to look at you anymore. Are you already thinking about living with her? Two minutes ago you still wanted to get married to Chicago. I have to make it clear. I can't just jump headfirst and run to Beca's without having solved the mess in my head. She doesn't deserve it. And I probably don't deserve her. Stacie was right that night, I can't treat her as a second choice. I don't want her to feel like a second choice. An object. Because I'm sure that's what she felt when we kissed and then I treated her twice as if she was something to stay away from. Something dangerous. Dirty. To hide. When in actually it's not like that at all. And the one that should bury herself in the sand is me, and end up my days under there.

I hear the sound of the door lock clicking, slowly, almost as if those who are entering were afraid to put even a step inside the house. I already know it's him. I recognize him from the noise, from the way he opens the door and then closes it. After 2 years you get used to these things, so simple and daily. I would also like to be able to recognize Beca's pace and noises one day, because what I have in my memory dates back to more than 2 years ago, and I am sure that something has changed. Just as she has changed.

_Chloe..._

He approaches slowly, with his hands half raised as if he were approaching a ferocious beast. Perhaps he does not imagine how I could react to his presence, the times that we discussed never came to these terms.

_Hey..._

I stand still, look down for a moment on my legs and then go back to looking at him in front of me. I don't want to scream, argue, I just want to talk.

_Look, I'm sorry about earlier. I absolutely shouldn't have hurt you. I... I was angry. I'm sorry._

_I know CK... Forget it. We need to talk._

I'm making a hand signal on the couch to invite him to sit next to me. He seems to have calmed down, so he shouldn't have a reaction like before. If things get worse, I won't wait a moment to go away. He sits next to me with his arms resting on his legs apart and his hands intertwined. His head is low, I don't know what he expects to happen from here in a few minutes, but from the way he behaves, imagine it's not good.

_How come you never told me about this?_

_I.. I really wanted to do that. But there was always something stopping me, I was afraid of ruining everything. To be seen with different eyes from you..._

Come on, Chloe. If you say things like that, you'll never get to the point. It's called -beating about the bush- what you're doing. I only deceive him that way. He needs the truth. Come on.

_Yes, Chloe, but it was important for me to know. I'm marrying you... I, I now feel like I don't know you at all. So it was the disastrous relationship you were recovering from 2 years ago with her?_

_Yes.. It's her. I.. Ck... Those messages you read... It's because something happened between us and it didn't end well..._

I cross his gaze that every moment that passes seems to become more and more confused and uncertain. His forehead is frowned upon, but not in an irritated, almost curious, naive way. As if he wasn't really understanding what I'm trying to tell him. I feel like a horrible person.

_You... Um... what do you mean? I don't understand, the messages were pretty confusing, but they looked like those of a drunk person with a broken heart-..._

His voice is slowly slipping into a silence oblivion, perhaps because he is finally realizing what is happening. Or that it has happened. And my fixed gaze on his shoes certainly does not help in any way to deny the situation. Not that I wanted to. But sometimes I just wish I could be braver and not be afraid to hurt others.

_You... She... Um... What, what was there, Chloe? don't... Tell me the truth, please._

_Ck I... I don't know how to tell you, we... That night at the party..._

_Did you sleep together?_

I almost choke on my own spit, because I didn't expect such a direct question. Or rather, I should have imagined that it would come, but it is definitely not our case. But I can't control the blush that I feel on my cheeks as I remember us, in bed, rolling between our sheets as if it were the only possible place to live. Each one in the arms of the other. The warmth and smell of her body. I wish I could remember them perfectly. Damn.

_What? No. Absolutely not!_

_Good ... So you kissed?_

Good thing? Why did he say "good"? I don't understand. Does he really think it was just something of the moment? He seems almost certain that it was irrelevant. It's probably what he kept repeating while he wasn't at home.

_CK... Yes, we kissed, but that's not what matters. Or rather it is, but that's not all._

_Oh... So do you? Um... I... You know, I thought that my reaction before had been exaggerated because, well, those messages are clear but I said to myself: "she loves me, she's getting married with me, that's what counts. We'll face it together". But... It's not like that, is it?_

Involuntarily I find myself playing with the ring I've been wearing all these months on my finger, and I'm thinking of how much I don't deserve it. Because in front of me I have a man who really loves me, and to whom I care about a lot, but who I risked misleading for the rest of my life. Or for the time we would have spent together anyway. I would have liked to have noticed it sooner. Admit it first.

I don't answer. Perhaps my behavior is already a more than eloquent answer to his question. What a strenuous situation. My God.

_Chloe... Look at me. Do you love her?_

I lift my eyes from the ring and cross his, which almost seems to fight to hold back the tears and not seem weak, even more so than he already does. I can't imagine how hard it is for him to deal with all this. I feel my heart in my throat, as if it wanted to explode at any moment. But I have to do it, he deserves to have someone next to him who loves him more than I do.

_I.. I think this is yours. I'm sorry CK..._

I take off the ring and place it on the table in front of us, noticing how carefully he follows my movements, incredulous of what's happening to him. I'm a horrible person. And I'm sure there's a circle just for those like me in Hell. I have never experienced such great contempt for myself. How bad it is to have to go through the executioner of the situation.

At home there is a dull, heavy silence, marked only by the ticking of Chicago's clock. He doesn't speak, I can feel how much he is suffering right now. After spending time with someone next to you, you can also understand their state of mind just by looking at them. And in this situation it can only be equal to a rug trampled on. I am so sorry. I could cry at any moment.

_I.. Maybe I should go._

I get up from the couch so I can go to the bedroom and pick up my bag with a jacket and go away. I don't want my presence to make him feel worse than he already is.

_No wait... Don't go._

He answers me in a low voice, weak, I don't even know how I could hear him. I instantly stop and turn to him who still has his eyes fixed on the engagement ring. I feel so sorry for him.

_You..um..You can stay. This is your home too. Go to the bedroom, I'll be in the guest room tonight._

_Chicago I don't know if-_

He stands up quickly and comes towards me, taking my hands in his. He's a broken man. He still loves me. What have I done to deserve him, and what has he done not to deserve a better person than me?

_I mean it._ Please. Stay. It's your home, it always will be.

Okay...

I answer whispering as we look at each other for a moment that seems never to end, then we hug so tight and let the tears flow by themselves without anything that stops them any longer. We're letting ourselves go, he's letting me go. And I couldn't be more grateful for that.

Thank you, Ck.


	21. Chapter 21

**~ It's not right, but it's (not) okay ~**

Pov Beca

Breathe. In and out. It's not difficult. I just need to focus on my breath and everything will be fine, right? God, I feel like dying. And if everything goes wrong? If no one shows up? If I can't speak, let alone sing? What should I do? For God's sake, I'm only a few hours away from the concert and I don't feel ready at all. I'm going to suck, it's going to be so pitiful that my boss will fire me on the spot, the tour will be cancelled and I'll end up working in some fast food restaurant, dragging the stench of fried food behind me for all eternity.

_Oh God!_

I whisper, bringing my hands to my forehead so that I can slowly rub my head in, in some attempt to calm down. I'm already at The Forum, in my dressing room, waiting for the team to come and dress me, which I sincerely did not consider necessary. But never go up against Blake. She had already organized everything for months and although I opposed it with all my energy, she did not want to hear any reason. Especially since the concert will be streamed live to multiple television channels. In a nutshell, they did things in a huge way, so as not to increase the weight of the expectations that everyone has for this event. And that I have. Nobody tells you how to handle these situations. All this anxiety. No one had warned me that I would feel that way. I feel as if at any moment I can throw electric shocks even if I just move my finger. Of course, there are psychologists, therapists, breathing exercises, and all those things that are supposed to help you stop the massive stone that is slipping down to end up straight on your chest, but unfortunately, sometimes it's not enough. And you find yourself in your dressing room staring at the mirror, with all these lights on the sides that God only knows what they're for, dwelling on everything that's happened and how I ended up in this chair. It all seems so crazy to me.

I haven't been able to sit still for three days. If I am standing, I walk back and forth to make a hole in the floor, if I am sitting my legs move as if they had their own life, I can't say that I slept because, who do I want to kid? If I have 3 hours of sleep in 3 days is too much. I am a concentration of anxiety and caffeine, and you know, do not get along very well together. Amy also moved in to watch me, she was a tracker. I can say that I only managed to eat thanks to her, otherwise at the moment I would have my stomach full only of air. I really don't even know how to thank her. I'm cranky, not that I'm not usually so, but in these situations I'm 100 times worse. I've certainly sent more people to hell in these last hours than I can in a year. It can also be said that I don't talk but growl. I don't even know how they can stand me. The guys, then, are the ones who are suffering the worst of the worst. I can't even count how many insults I threw at Tom and Duck, and my glances at Alex and Sam. I just call them dicks who don't even know what the rhythm is, but they're actually terrific. They are very good and above all, they have an endless patience. And I'm putting it to the test. At least I have to give a holiday to each of them after the end of the tour. If they manage to survive a wild Beca in conditions of hysterism and irritability.

It just seems so unreal to me. I haven't realized yet that it's happening to me. A girl from Oregon, Astoria. I think this is one of those important events to celebrate in the family, those of which a parent feels his chest swollen with pride. And the only figure closest to a parent I had was Sabrina. Surely if she had been here she would have called me Kid once again, giving me the nerves, she would have told me not to become a big-headed person and that she would have burned down anyone who dared to boo a song of mine during the concert. Just like someone who really cares about you would. I wish she could see all this. She would be proud, I think. These are the moments when I really wish she hadn't gotten involved in that bad stuff, that she hadn't been buried under a foot and a half of land in New York and that she hadn't been in touch with me after she'd left. I'd like someone to say "my girl did it, she did it. I'm so proud of her", in the same way that you would boast of a freshly graduated son. I don't know what it's like, but I get the impression it's a good feeling. I know for a fact that I'm lucky to have someone by my side anyway, that I'm not alone, on the contrary. The Bellas and the others are my family, the only one that can be called such. But I always feel that there is something missing. Or maybe it's just the moment and I'm getting very influenced by the anxiety and the spasmodic need to have someone to reassure me. Come on Beca. It's always been you and yourself.

Maybe that's the problem.

Maybe for once I'd like someone, for real. And it's terrible how her figure is always in the background, like a screens ever that every two minutes blocks the PC. This can only make the situation worse. Especially because I'm 99% sure I don't have a chance with her anymore. Nothing. Zero. She can never be that someone for me, although everyone keeps telling me to 's like screaming in the void, in the silence, I just hear my voice and no one answers. And it sucks. But I still can't understand which neuron I miss in order to hope for that 1% chance that something will come back. Or rather, that something can be born, again. I hope tonight will be worth something. I don't even know if she's coming to the concert, or if she'll see it from the comfort of her own home with her beloved future husband. I get sick and tired just thinking about it. I need a drink. Somehow I have to shake off this fucking feeling of not being enough, for nothing and for no one. It's not helping right now.

I get up from the chair to go to the minibar near the sofa I have in the dressing room, I hope there is something strong. Coca cola, fruit juice, sparkling water, Schweppes-

_What the hell?!_

I close the minibar violently, swinging the lamp on it for a few seconds. Is it possible that no one has ever had the idea of putting a fucking bottle of alcohol in the singers' refrigerators before an exhibition? It doesn't take a genius to understand that it needs a little loss of inhibitions before such big events take place. Damn it. I put both hands on my face and slowly slide them into a vain attempt to calm the nerves. When the fuck are the glam squad coming? Time passes and I can't see anyone here yet.

I don't even have the time to get my cell phone back from my desk to call Blake and I immediately notice the door open wide and reveal her figure dressed up followed by Fat Amy and Ester, who look like they're breaking into my dressing room.

_Okay Becs, I got whiskey, rum, scotch, vodka-_

_Oh thank God! Jesus!_

I storm onto my manager, pulling rum and vodka out of her hands and opening them right away so I can drink them all in one breath. They can be compared to shots for the size of the bottle, but better than nothing.

_Wow Mitchell, you okay?_

_Okay it's far from to what I am now._

I answer in a low tone of voice, but quite clear, firm. It's the only thing sure about this historical moment of my life. What did the song say? It's not right, but it's okay. Let's say it almost became a mantra. Nothing's okay, but it's okay. Or at least it was fine until my brain decided to leave me on the most important day of my career. Now I'd make a little variation on Whitney's song, it's not right and it's not okay.

_You're gonna be great tonight, Beca. Don't worry. We tried until we were exhausted, you're ready._

Ester tries to reassure me, and maybe her words have some effect, but not as I would like. I wish I could really believe that, but now it's almost impossible for me. Am I ready? Maybe vocally yes, I know everything by heart, the lyrics, the melodies, I know where to move, what to do, but mentally I am not at all. And I just want someone to get it.

_Yeah..right. I hope so._

I nod slightly and then sit down and sink into the couch, crossing my legs and bringing a hand to my forehead to be able to lean on. I never wanted to react in this way to such a crazy coolness that is happening to me, but I should have imagined it. Every time something extraordinary happens there must always be a black dot to make it a little less special and a little more Beca-ish.

_Can you give us a moment, please?_

I lift my eyes from my legs for a moment to notice how Amy is elegantly chasing Blake and Ester out of my dressing room. I don't understand what she wants right now, but I don't even pay that much attention. I just have to try to concentrate and wait for these glam-fucking squads that don't come. I swear, I could kick their asses if they make me late. I feel the door close and I notice how Amy's feet and legs entered my field of vision as my eyes returned to its initial position, glued to the floor.

_What?_

I raise my head and see the Australian with her arms folded and an expression that I can't really decipher at the moment. She seems almost angry or annoyed about something. But can I worry about her now too? That's totally uncalled.

Quiet. She doesn't talk. What's the matter with her?

_Amy, seriously. Will you speak up or just stare at me in this freaking way?_

We look into each other's eyes for a minute, with the muffled noise of the crew guys fixing the last things for the concert. And I'm still locked up in my dressing room. I should be out there with the others, and help them. Probably doing something would lessen my anxiety. But for now I have to figure out what Amy wants from me. Her selective mutism is getting on my nerves.

_Listen, I ain't got all day. What's wrong with you?_

Nothing. No answer. She stayed in the same position, she didn't even blink. Now I'm getting the doubt that she's having a stroke. Damn it. I get off the couch and stand in front of her to get some feedback, but she just stares at me. It's getting creepy. And also awkward.

_Amy. Please talk or I swear I will kick you out of this fucking room even though you may be having a stroke right now._

I open my eyes wide, waiting for a nod, a movement, I pop my fingers in front of her face to get her back, but she remains in the same position. I can understand that she is still here and has not been zoned out since she follows me with her eyes. It's annoying.

_Okay fine. Go away._

_Nope._

_What? Now you talk?_

I'm baffled. What the hell is going on in her mind? I've never seen her like this before, I don't even know how to call it. Aggressive passive? And for what then?

_Yes._

_Go out._

_No._

_Yes._

_No._

_Yes- Holy God Amy, what the fuck you want from me? I'm on the edge of breaking down and you keep going on this awkward and... And stupid and no sense thing. Please go out._

I answer her by raising my voice while holding my grip firmly on the door handle, and then whispering the last words tired of this waste of time. I can't take it anymore. I just want tonight to start and go as fast as possible. And it seems that Amy is doing everything she can to make it even more unbearable.

_I'm here because I know that you're focusing on the negative part of this event, on the many "if" that are pestering you, and if standing here in silence making you nervous for a while has distracted you, it means that I'm good for something._

Now I'm the one who's silent. I must admit, her ways are quite alternative, but effective. Actually I've forgotten about the concert, the anxiety and the performance that I'll have to face in a few minutes, at least for a little bit. She's a pain in the ass, but at this point I can't help but thank her for being one.

_Amy.. You are insane, and I was almost to punch you in the face for your attitude but... Thank you for being here._

_At your service, Shawshank!_

She mimics a curtsey and I can't help but laugh, which I thought was impossible to do now. But Amy has that effect. Everyone should have a pocket-sized Amy for every occasion.

_Beca..._

_Yeah?_

I sat in the swivel chair in front of the mirror. I look like a ping pong ball, I change places every 2 minutes. Until the end I'll get out of here without even being prepared. I don't know how long I'll last.

_Don't let the if's and but's influence you right now. You're Beca fucking Mitchell, you're at the Forum of LA, you're a star. And everyone can't wait to see you shine._

_Please Amy... So cliché._

_Oh come on! Don't be a buzzkill. People are here for you! They want to see you, and you have two options: either continue to bask and think you're not good enough, or believe that something good you did to make it sold out already on the first date!_

I stare at her for a moment through the mirror. Maybe she's right? I mean, most of the marketing and advertising was done by Blake, but it's a concert, and if you don't like the singer or the genre you don't buy tickets, right?

_You may not be worth anything to you, but you are to them. For us you are worth. So it's better if you put your shit together quickly, otherwise you'll have to deal with me. And you know I'm a champion in free wrestling with alligators. Don't challenge me._

_Rude!_

I smile genuinely while she throws me a wink and turns to go away but in the meantime we see the door open wide and finally reveal makeup artists and hair stylists who seem almost more hysterical than me. Probably Blake threatened them with a slow and cruel death if they don't hurry to prepare me, the concert starts in 1 hour. Damn it.

_Okay folks, let's do this_! 

Pov Chloe

_Gary, how many other patients do we have?_

I turn to my assistant impatiently, all day long I've been locked up in the clinic and I can't wait to get home. Not that the situation there is the best, but at least there is my bed, faithful friend.

_Chloe, there are still 4. Today they seem never to end._

_Four? How is that possible? My God, we're going to die here tonight._

I answer with a low voice bringing my hands to my face. It's 7:30 pm and I've been working for almost 12 hours straight. I should have finished two hours ago, but it seems that only now have they all remembered to have their pets checked. Sometimes I would gladly strangle the owners, those who demand everything and immediately especially. Holy God. I'll have more for at least an hour.

_Shall I let the next in, Doc?_

_Yes, please. Let's move, before I fall asleep on my desk._

_An hour and a half later_

_Thank you doctor Beale! You're the best here. I'm glad that you had joined this clinic._

_You're very kind Mrs Jones, thank you! See you in month._

I see Gary guiding Mrs Jones and her cat out of my study and I can finally say that I finished my work for today. I automatically drop my body into the swivel chair behind my desk, I don't think I feel my feet anymore. My God. My eyes close by themselves, I don't even know how I'm going to get home driving. I bring my right hand to the level of my nose so that I can hold it as tightly as possible in the space between my two eyes to slightly relieve my headaches. It has been hammering my brain for hours. I'm exhausted. And I don't know how I'm going to get up from my chair now that I'm sitting down. I'll stay here until the next shift.

_Okay, Doc, there's no one left. I'll stay here and close and settle the material but you can go. I'll finish here._

_Have you ever been told you're the best assistant anyone could ever want?_

I open one eye while holding my hand on my face, and seeing how Gary is already working to tidy up the studio before he goes.

_No, but thank you. I really appreciate it._

He smiles at me kindly before taking back what he had left and continuing to put all the medical records in order. I should really go, but it seems that instead of my legs I have concrete weights and instead of my eyelids, the shutters are already almost completely lowered. What a situation.

_You know, you should really go before you fall asleep. If you don't feel like driving, I can give you a ride._

_Really?_

I ask him with a hopeful voice almost as if for a second the torpor that was inexorably enveloping me had stopped on its way.

_Yeah, what's the prob-_

_Wait, you're not trying to hit on me, are you?_

I interrupt him throwing a suspicious glance at him, as much as my strength allows me to. I need an I.V. of coffee. Jesus Christ.

_Chloe, you're a wonderful woman and I swear I would have hit on you right from the start if it wasn't for the fact that I'm gay. Supergay. I dare say._

_What? Really?_

_I thought you understood that. Seriously?_

We look at each other for an infinite second with both brows frowning and not understanding what's going on, until I relax and slip a smile because I should have imagined it. I notice how he looks at the back of the guys who bring us lunch or our customers. I'll have to tell him to be more subtle next time.

_Okay so, I'll take the offer. Now come on, it's late. We'll finish on Monday._

_Yes ma'am._

I take off my white coat and hang it on the rack next to the door while Gary picks up his jacket and backpack on the way to the exit. I follow him immediately afterwards, closing the clinic door behind me. Finally. What an endless day.

_So, tell me a little bit about yourself. We've never had a chance to get to know each other more since I arrived._

_Well... Not that there's much to tell._

He responds by scratching slightly behind his ear and smiling shyly as we get closer to the car. It's such a good boy.

_Oh come on, anything. Do you have a boyfriend?_

_Wow straight to the point._

He laughs while I try to find the right words to avoid making the figure of the nosy girl. What an idiot.

_Oh no no, it's just the first thing that came up to my-_

_It's okay Doc, really. And no, I don't have a boyfriend, I had one, but it didn't go well._

We both get in the car and head home not before telling him my address.

_How come?_

_That's a good question. There have been many misunderstandings, mistakes... But with hindsight, I just think that the reason is that we didn't believe in us as a couple enough._

There is a dead silence in the car, interrupted only by the voice of the navigator. As he speaks about the relationship, he doesn't seem to have totally managed to overcome it, and I don't want to say something that could make feel him worse. Even if now the situation seems more embarrassing than anything else.

_I'm sorry._

_Don't be. Obviously that was the way it was supposed to be. Anyway, it's my turn to ask the question now._

_Oh that's the game then?_

_You started boss._

We both smile because after all we've been so focused on our roles and our work that we can't establish a healthy friendship. And I'd say we have a little bit to catch up on.

_So?_

_I see you're no longer wearing the ring on your left hand, I assume it was an engagement ring. Is everything all right?_

_Oh... Yeah, I... It's complicated._

_I understand if you don't want to talk about it, don't feel obliged._

He moves his eyes towards me for a moment so that he can look at me for a moment, and then concentrate again on the road. There are still 15 minutes to go before I get home, I don't know how long I will be able to hold on to the silence.

_No... It's not all right. I... I left my future husband, well former future husband, for a love that never went away. And I don't know if there will be a happy ending to all this or not. I don't know anything._

_Well... This guy must be really important for you to change your mind 2 weeks before the wedding._

_Ehm.. he is a she. And yes, she has the power to get my brain upside down more than anyone else._

_Oh well, that's interesting._

I notice how his lips have curled up hearing it's a woman. Well, what a weird couple. A gay and a bisexual. We could definitely be part of Glee.

_So what's her name? Tell me about her._

_Well, it's actually already well known lately. It's Beca, Beca Mitch-_

_Mitchell? What? Are you kidding me?_

He brakes quickly but luckily we don't have anyone behind us, and above all we would have had to stop because of the traffic light. Is it so strange that I know her and that I'm randomly in love with her? Has your fame already reached the point of making her unreachable?

_No... It's the truth._

_Oh my God, and why the hell aren't you at her concert now declaring your feelings? Are you crazy? This is your chance!_

_OH MY FUCK- The gig! Shit!_

_Okay, calm down-_

I almost scream for just remembering that today is the first date of Beca's concert. How the fuck did I forget that? For God's sake! Damn job and damn head that never remembers anything important. Holy shit. I hear Gary keep talking about something but at the moment I'm not listening to him at all. I pick up the phone from my bag that I haven't seen for exactly more than 10 hours and I guess I've never received so many messages on whatsapp. The Bellas' chat almost seems to explode. Not to mention Amy, Aubrey and Chicago?! What the hell!

**Chicago 7.45 pm**

_Chloe, you should come home. It's urgent._

What else happened now? What can be so emergency? I should be somewhere else in LA now! Damn it! I have to take a shower, I have to change my clothes, I can't show up like this. It almost seems that all the tiredness and sleep I just had is gone. Thanks adrenaline. Without you we would be lost.

_Gary, please push the damn gas and go as fast as you can! Oh God..._

_Yes ma'am!_

I'm swearing by running a hand through my hair, can I be more careless than that? How can I forget Beca's first date? You start on the right foot, Chloe, great. You really know how to show people that you really care. I didn't even send her a fucking message. Nothing. I'm such an idiot. Better yet, a big asshole. I should call myself Chloe Asshole Beale. There would be nothing more truthful.

_Chloe?_

_Yeah?_

_Believe it. Don't make the same mistake I did._

I'll stop for a few moments to observe him. If he only knew what happened, he would probably kick me at this precise moment and send me directly to The Forum in a blink of an eye. But he's not wrong. The first time I didn't believe it enough. I don't want to make the same mistake again.

_I won't. I promise._

_And don't forget to get an autograph for your personal assistant, I might never speak to you again._

_No please! If all goes well, I'll introduce you to her in person!_

I laugh at his statement because I had no idea he was a fan of hers. And now he looks happier than a child at Christmas, because probably one of his dreams could come true!

After about 5 minutes we finally get to my home street and Gary stops right in front of the driveway to get me off. Without him I don't know what I would have done. I'd probably be in a parking lot right now and take a nap. How sad.

_Thank you Gary. Thank you!_

_No problem, go and get your girl Doc! See you!_

I get out of the car quickly to head quickly to my front door. I have no idea what to expect and honestly I have a bit of anxiety, Chicago wasn't very specific and the fact that I have to run in order to be ready in time and go somewhere else in LA, fuck. The car. It's at the studio. Shit, shit, shit.

_I'm home! CK, sorry I didn't answer, I was working, I have to hurry-_

_Surprise!_

I petrify as soon as I arrive at the end of the entrance corridor to be able to pass in the living room, and what I see is something I did not want to see right now. Fuck. How much am I swearing in the last 5 minutes?

_Mom! Dad! What are you doing here?_

_Hi sweetheart, how are you? Come here honey let me hug you._

I let my mother hug me and say hi to my father as I throw glances at Chicago that looks more terrified than me right now. How to blame him? He saw himself invaded by my parents the day after I left him. Damn, what bad have I done?

_Darling, are you eating? You're too skinny, don't you think Richard?_

_It's true Anne, honey you okay?_

_Yes, it's okay. Uh... Excuse us a moment?_

I take CK by the arm and take him away from my parents who keep arguing that I don't eat enough, that LA is too chaotic and the usual things that a parent always complains about when a child is away from them.

_When the hell did they get here?_

I scream in a low voice as I approach CK so that he can hear me. I have a nervous feeling that goes as far as the tip of my toes.

_When I sent you the message Chloe. I saw them behind the door._

He responds with the same tone of my voice, alternating smiles to my parents who are inevitably looking at us as if nothing were wrong.

_Listen I have a problem. I have to get out of here. I... I have to go somewhere and I'm already late._

_And what should I do with yours? And especially when we tell them that we, well... You know!_

_Oh FOR GOD'S SAKE!_

I answer out loud and I don't realize it, drawing my parents' attention to us. Great Chloe, keep it up and you'll never get out of here again for tonight.

_Chloe, we didn't teach you that!_

_Honey, are you sure you're all right?_

_Yes, yes, everything's okay! Perfectly._

I leave CK so I can head to the kitchen and fill a glass of water in an attempt to calm my nerves and figure out what to do. And above all understand what the hell my parents are doing here.

_Mom, why... Um... Why are you here?_

_Chloe because we wanted to see you and spend time with you. Plus in 2 weeks there's the wedding and we can't wait for it to come._

_Yeah... Right._

I answer in a low voice while I continue to drink some water. Only now do I realize that the table is already set and the roast beef and potato dishes have already been filled. Definitely the work of my mother.

_You must be hungry, dearie. Let's eat now. Later you update us on all the wedding plans._

_Mom, I really have to do a thing-_

_Ha-ha. First you eat, then you do the rest. With a full stomach you can think and do everything better. Come on. Ck come here, don't just stand there._

All my life I've tried to contradict my mother on the question 'first the food, then everything else' but it's a lost case. She doesn't want to feel any sense of reason, which is why most of the time she drags me to the table, just like now.

_Ma, I'm an adult, I can walk alone. I don't need to be dragged._

_You're an adult but you can't take care of yourself. Now eat. Everything._

My mother? A lovely person. When she doesn't threaten you.

_Honey, look on TV, isn't that the girl that came with you to Barden? What's her name? Becky, Berta...?_

_Beca, Richard. It's Beca._

I don't think I'm able to hear anyone anymore. My eyes are glued to the TV. They're glued to her. She's there, in front of me. Only now do I realize how much I've missed her. How much I miss her. Goodness, how could I have been so dumb?

(_from TV_)

_Hi guys! How are you doing?_

I keep hearing her voice coming from the TV speaker and I can't concentrate on anything else anymore. She s beautiful. I wish I could tell her now, right now. I can't imagine how she feels.

_Oh my..._


	22. Chapter 22

**~ Someone to stay ~**

_The Forum - 9.12 pm_

Pov Beca

Okay. Okay. I can do it, I go on stage, one foot after another, maybe without stumbling, and I stand in the middle, behind the microphone shaft. It's simple. A few steps. Just like in rehearsals. Nothing special, just more than 10 thousand people who will look at me.

_My God, I'm dying!_

I turn trembling towards Blake who is by my side at the back of the stage. The guys are already out there entertaining the audience with some musical interlude. It seems that Tom doesn't suffer from performance anxiety, he's the first one to break the ice with the audience. I wish I could have a minimum of his confidence right now.

_Hey ok! This is normal. Take deep breaths, and if you're impressed by all those people, well, I don't know. Imagine them in their underwear. If it can help you feel less embarrassed._

_What? You're weird._

I answer her in a very anxious way, trying to calm my breath, while a boy from the crew approaches me to place the microphone headband behind my ear. God is really happening.

_Okay, three minutes to go! Mitchell is ready._

I hear the same guy say opening communication with a walkie talkie, probably to inform the rest of the team that the concert will soon begin. If I had to look for a word that would describe me right now, I would probably find my face under sheer terror.

_Okay, stop, look at me! Stop being like that. Repeat with me: I'm Beca Mitchell._

_I'm Beca Mitchell, I'm Beca Mitchell..._

I don't have the faintest idea why I'm listening to Blake and this nonsense to repeat my name, but at the moment I don't know what to do to calm me down, and the only chance seems to be that.

_Keep repeating it in your mind, and think that all this is for you. They are your fans, don't be afraid. Okay?_

She holds my shoulders tight with her hands in a reassuring way and looks me in the eye. I don't have to be afraid. They are here for me. Nothing bad will happen. I nod slightly to his words almost as if I was hypnotized and I notice how the boy from before, now has positioned himself next to the entrance of the stage, to keep the tent and let me pass in a few moments.

_1 minute._

Both Blake and I turn to the voice that has warned how far it takes for me to make my entrance. 60 seconds. Even less.

_This is my moment._

_That's right, it's your moment. Go get'em, girl! I'll be here._

She throws a wink at me as I head towards the ladder that leads to the stage and wait for the boy next to me to give me the signal to enter.

_Good luck miss Mitchell!_

He whispers slowly while he opens the tent and I understand that it's time to go and join the Kids. I turn around and mime with my lips a thank you, before my legs took the initiative and started to move without me thinking about it at all.

I am initially dazzled by the headlights that are lighting the stage, I can hardly see who is in front of me. I feel like I'm in a sort of air bubble, where the sounds get muffled and I can't exactly understand what's going on. Whether it's real or not. Everyone applauds, whistles, screams my name, and in the background I can perceive the base of Bulletproof Vs Release me that follows my entrance. It's beautiful. I have my heart that seems to want to run away from my chest as fast as it beats, and now I have no control over any muscle in my body. It's as if I've put on the autopilot. It's like my brain knows what to do. My hands are high to be able to wave to those who came here tonight to see me, my face is tense, from the exact moment I set foot on the stage, in a smile that will probably cause me a dreadful pain in my cheeks. But because of that feeling, I could take any muscle pain. It's overwhelming. Unreal. I didn't think I'd ever be able to feel something like this in my life. It's all I've never had the courage to dream about, and now it's here, in front of my eyes. And it's for me. Come on Beca, win them over.

_9.17 pm_

_Hi guys! How you doing?_

I take the microphone from the pole in the middle of the stage, I know it's off at the moment and what works is the headband one, but having something to hold makes me calm. It's strange to hear your own voice so loud, but I hope that everything I say reaches everyone here. I wish I could hug everyone, one by one, starting with the guys who are waving in the front row behind the barriers, up to the last person in the stands. I have no words. All the anxiety and fear I felt a few seconds ago seems to have been reduced to a grain of sand. It is strange and almost impressive how the mind, and before it the body, immediately recognize when you are in the right place. It feels good. Free. And now, I couldn't ask for better.

_Wow, guys, I don't know how your view looks like, but I can assure you that mine is amazing._

I smile so much that I almost feel the corners of my mouth reaching my ears. I swear, I've never smiled so hard, but I can't help it.

_You're beautiful too!_

I hear a girl screaming when the cheers have calmed down a bit and I can't hold back a laugh. My fans are bold.

_I'll wait for you in the dressing room later!_

I wink at her while I try to point with my index finger in the right direction from which I heard the scream. I hope I don't make crap figures in the first few minutes. I get a little closer towards the end of the stage, so I can get as close to people as possible. Fortunately, my eyes have become accustomed to the lights of the stage so the risk of falling or stumbling on my own feet, dodged.

_Well, I don't know exactly what I should say right now... I didn't prepare a speech. Plus, my salivation is almost completely gone, so...be patient with me._

In response I hear laughter and cries of incitement, whistles of approval, let's say that it is not exactly the maximum of communication, but I think that so far maybe, I have not found anything more true.

_Thank you guys, really. I've been on this stage for only 5 minutes and I'm already overwhelmed by what you're giving me. You're wonderful, and I'll probably never stop telling you tonight. I'm sorry if it can be banal, but really, if only it could be done, I'd get you up here, one at a time, with me to see what I see._

I don't have a fixed point to look at, and maybe that's the beauty of it. I can see some faces more distinctly than others, I see smiles, hearts made with hands, banners with my name on them, and it's as if a photograph was being created in my mind. One of those with the panorama function, where you take everything. Because I don't want to leave anyone out. Everyone is a fundamental part of this moment, everyone is important to me.

_You know, I would have liked to have been on this stage earlier. I would have liked to have had this chance some time ago, surely what I feel right now would have helped in many situations._

I take a deep breath because I don't know where all this vomiting of words that I am carrying on will end up, but the only thing I am sure of, is that I want to be as sincere as possible with them. I don't want masks or pretenses. They have to know me for who I am. And who I was.

_I haven't had an easy life, who has it anyway? Right?_

I smile slightly while sitting on the edge of the stage, feeling my legs hanging and seeing how the first row behind the barriers tries in every way to get closer to me. It's a strange feeling to feel important for someone who doesn't know you at all. I don't know if I'll ever get used to it. And maybe I shouldn't.

_I won't bore you by telling the story of my life, but I just want you to know how much this feeling I feel in my stomach, right now, someone calls it happiness, I don't know, it's rare for me. At least so far. And for that I have to thank you again. As well as the guys back here, my band, Blake, my bosses and all those who allowed it._

I turn around slightly to take a look behind me and notice the guys all with their thumbs up and big smiles on their faces.

_It wasn't an easy path to get here, and I haven't really found a real reason why all this is happening to me yet, but I guess it had to be like this, so now it's up to you to bear me._

A little laughter is raised from the audience, and then it falls back into the silence of before. It seems almost absurd how more than 10 thousand people are with their mouths closed, at the same time, just to be able to listen to me.

_I have been through situations that perhaps for a single life are too much, I have not had a canonical family, father, mother, sisters or brothers. It was just me and the walls of an institute for children, but fortunately now I have the privilege of having someone to have my back, now literally too._

I point with my thumb behind me, noticing how on the big screens at the sides of the stage is broadcasted the view of Amy, Blake, Ester and the other Bellas in the dim light of the bottom of the stage, who greet the camera with a smile, making me giggle. I don't know why, but seeing them all there, I was hoping that among their figures her figure would suddenly appear too. Poor dreamer.

_I want you to understand that there is no difference between you and me. Almost certainly someone here has experienced what it means to be left behind, or to feel lonely, alone with yourself. I have felt it too. Maybe for most of my existence. The album, and the song that we are going to perform shortly, has this title not by chance. Someone to stay._

Pov Chloe

_Chloe, are you okay? You've become pale._

I feel my mother's hand leaning gently on my back, while I'm more than focused on listening to Beca. My Beca. It's as if the world around me no longer exists, but I know I have to do something to get out of here.

_Yes...I'm fine._

I get off the table so that I can get closer to television, almost as if I were in a trance and I could not turn my eyes away from what is being broadcast. I feel observed, I know that my behavior may seem senseless to them and that I will have to give an explanation shortly, but for now I just want to see how it ends.

(_from TV - Beca)_ (A/N I'll write Beca in parentheses when Chloe hears her on TV)

_I started writing this song right after a few days of my surgery. I was at home and I had this dream, which was not really a dream but a memory, and I relived what happened to me more than 2 years ago._

Oh, my God, that's when I went to her house to see her. Until now, I hadn't noticed how much my heart had started to beat fast and my hands had started to sweat. But I can't move a muscle. I'm paralyzed. And I think CK has noticed that since he approached me, in silence, to better understand what's going on.

(Beca)

_There's this person, I won't mention names for privacy, but that's it...more than anyone else she made me realize what it means to be loved, and even hated. It was an evening in New York, we lived there, it was very cold. I remember it as if it were yesterday. There was a big fight, the ones you're afraid of even imagining the consequences, but I didn't know or maybe I was hoping that wasn't the last one, because it would only mean one thing._

I notice how she stopped for a moment, with her low gaze and the spotlight that illuminates her from above, creating the darkness around her. I feel my breath getting shorter and shorter, and my eyes starting to get moist. It hurts.

(Beca)

_We gave up on each other. I don't want to say that she abandoned me because I don't think it would be fair, but the feeling is the same. I was left alone again. And well, the only sentence that came to mind at that moment was the sentence that then gave life to the song years later, and you'll soon understand what it is. Someone to stay is for people who like me, still today, hope for something._

I lift my eyes for a moment to cross them with CK at my side who seems more stunned than me, both with our mouths half open. In the meantime, my parents understood that there is something wrong in the air, and they also approached the living room where there is the TV, to get answers.

_Chloe, what's going on? Why are you on the verge of crying?_

_Mrs. Beale-_

_How many times do I have to tell you to call me Anne? You are about to marry for God's sake, no more formal-_

_No, we're not._

I take advantage of this moment to finally throw everything out, I can no longer bear that my mother always resumes the issue of "marriage".

_What? No what?_

_No, we're not getting married._

I look for a moment at CK who lowers his head and clenches his teeth, but immediately after he recovers and throws me a half smile, to make me understand that even if it hurts him, he will face this situation with me.

_Are you guys kidding? Chloe?_

My father rarely intervenes on my personal matters, but usually he does so only when my mother can't do it. And this is one of those moments. She's shocked, I should have seen this coming.

_It's not a joke pa. There will be no marriage._

_For what reason?_

_That's it... I-_

_It didn't work. We often fought and I'm almost never there for work, so we decided to give up before we made a mistake. Maybe we're better as friends. And she deserves better._

I turn around completely to Chicago, which is a little further ahead than me, as if it wanted to act as a shield against my parents. I didn't expect him to do and say that. I don't know if I can ever thank him enough.

_Ck..._

I whisper so that only he will hear me, and he responds to me in the same tone of voice.

_It's okay._

We both take a deep breath waiting for any response from my mother, who is still motionless in the same position. She is the one that worries.

_Richard, let's go. I could say something unpleasant at the moment._

She glances at us with a grim look, almost as if she wanted to strike us on the spot, but I can also see the pain hidden in her eyes. She cared so much about this event, that I would start building my own family. She cared about Chicago. It seems as if we had broken a dream for her.

_Mom. I-_

I can't say anything, I just see how both my parents turn their backs on me to get their stuff back and go. For God's sake, just what we need.

_Chloe... Beca, on TV._

I'm diverted from my thoughts by CK who realized that Beca's first song is starting. Meanwhile, they had settled on stage and created the atmosphere with the lights. I should be there, why are I still here? I turn around to ask my former future husband to lend me the car keys and run away to her, but as soon as I hear the first notes of the melody I lock myself. I stay with one hand in mid-air, my body turned towards CK, but my eyes focused on the TV. 

Pov Beca

This is really happening. I'm singing a song for her in front of thousands of people. I hope it's worth something.

_**You were alone left out in the cold**_

_**Clinging to the ruin of your broken home**_

_**Too lost and hurting to carry your load**_

_**We all need someone to hold**_

All memories strike me in a heartbeat. I can't even understand after 2 years how all this could have happened. It's really easy to lose someone, it takes a moment. And I would have preferred not to experience it at all.

_**You've been fighting the memory all on your own**_

_**Nothing worsens, nothing grows.**_

Two years of torment, two years of empty questions, no answer. There was no room for anything else. Just her and her damn eyes that still don't leave me.

_**I know how it feels being by yourself in the rain**_

_**We all need someone to stay**_

_**We all need someone to stay**_

I don't think I'll ever forget that day. Even with an amnesia in my brain, it was able to rise again. The rain. I guess I've never seen so much water fall from the sky as I did that time. And I was alone. With only tears, and pieces of heart in my hands.

_**Hear you, falling and lonely, cry out**_

_**Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?**_

You're the only one who can do it. You're the only one who can put the broken parts in place. Please.

_**At the end of the day you were helpless**_

_**Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?**_

I look into the camera and imagine that maybe, if I'm a little lucky, she's looking at me now and maybe she'll understand how important she is to me.

I take a deep breath while the melody of the song continues in the background. I lower my eyes for a moment because I feel vulnerable at the moment, and especially because I got a knot in my throat and I just don't need it now.

_**You've drunk it down and you've spat it out**_

_**And nothing tastes like the things you had**_

I've tried to move on, to put her behind me, but no one is like her. And I'm not like when I was with her anymore.

_**So tear it off, why don't you let them go?**_

_**We all need someone to stay**_

_**We all need someone to stay**_

I cried a lot, too much, thinking that maybe it would end like this, it would be a temporary matter. But nothing has changed. And I simply can't let her go.

_**Hear you, falling and lonely, cry out**_

_**Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?**_

Please.

**_At the end of the day you were helpless_**

**_Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?_**

I take the microphone and remove it from the pole so I can walk on stage and get closer to the audience. The guys are playing and harmonizing with the voices the musical interlude before the bridge. I reach the edge and now I am illuminated only by the white light, while everything else is dark. In front of me the show is beautiful. They're all with cell phone torches in their hands, as if they were so many little flames. So many little fireflies.

_**You were alone left out in the cold,**_

_**Clinging to the ruin of your broken home.**_

It's almost spoken, there's only a fixed chord on the keyboard that accompanies me in the background. But it almost sounds like I'm singing a cappella.

_**You were falling and lonely, cry out**_

_**Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?**_

_**The end of the day and we're helpless**_

_**Can you keep me close? Can you love me?**_

I feel my heart in my throat and my eyes get watery. I almost whispered the last words. My throat is closed. I can't cry now. I don't have to. Beca, breathe. You're doing well. 

Pov Chloe

_Oh my God.._

I whisper, bringing a hand at the level of my lips, touching them slightly, unintentionally. I realize only now that my face is streaked with tears, and it seems they don't want to stop for any reason. I have to go to her. I can't waste another minute more. I turn around and approach the coat rack at the entrance to retrieve my bag and the jacket I left hanging when I got back.

_Chloe? Are you okay?_

I think he's noticed I'm crying but I can't stop to explain myself now. I can't stop, I've wasted too much time. I quickly dry my eyes, in a vain attempt to stop the tears and I notice how CK is looking at me strange, and also a bit merciless.

_Can you give me the car keys please?_

_Are you sure? you want me to drive-_

_Please CK._

I say to him in a decisive way, with swollen, red eyes, a low, flickering voice, and a hand outstretched towards him, waiting for him to hand them over to me. If I leave now I should arrive halfway through the concert. Or maybe the end. The important thing is that I go. I don't care where I get to, just as long as I get to her.

_Okay... But be careful!_

_Thank you. Really._

I approach to hug him quickly on tiptoe, and then run to the front door with the car keys in my hand, ready to start the car immediately and get on the road. Fortunately, there are not many vehicles in the neighborhood, and I reach the highway in a few minutes. Needless to say, the speed at which I go is beyond the imposed limit, I know that it is wrong and especially in the condition of agitation in which I am is not the best, but now I just can not go slowly. I have to get there as soon as possible.

I turn on the radio so that I can continue to listen to the concert, imagining the movements and expressions that she makes while she sings or talks. I don't even need to close my eyes, it's like she's in front of me. And she's beautiful, but in reality she's even more beautiful. I was a fool. And I don't think I'll ever stop repeating it. Why didn't I believe her? Why didn't I let her talk that damn night in New York? Why didn't I give her a chance? I was really selfish. And I can't ever apologize enough.

She wrote a song about how she felt abandoned by me, about what she went through when it all ended. I focused so much on my pain that I never even thought that she might have felt any pain. I don't know how she could still want me. I don't know how she can love me. Actually, I don't know if she wants me, you can love someone but give up. And I hope that's not the case here, even though I'm really afraid that she may have given up on us a long time ago. Because of me. I just wish I could talk to the Chloe of 2 years ago and tell her to be more reasonable. Not to believe what the eyes have seen but to try to go further. To be a little more confident. As much as it hurt at the time. I would also slap myself so hard that I would remember that with my pride and selfishness I lost that love with a capital "L". And maybe even forever.

Damn it.

I try to make my way through the cars moving from one lane to another, but the more I go forward the more I realize that in front of me there has been an endless queue of cars, the beginning of which I can't even see.

_Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me?_

I swear out loud, slamming my hands on the steering wheel, and honking my horn if it ever serves any purpose. Nothing. Stuck in the middle of traffic for who knows what absurd reason. What the hell? It's a conspiracy. The forces of the universe, or whatever, have come to an agreement. How the fuck is it possible that every time I'm in a hurry there must always be something to get in my way? How? At this pace I don't even know if I'm going to get to The Forum. I can't even venture to change lanes so that I can take another path. I can't move. I'm surrounded, one car ahead, one next to, and one behind. It sounds like a joke. I almost laugh if it wasn't an extremely urgent situation.

_Oh Man come on!_

I still honk my horn, along with the other poor wretches like me trapped in this hellish circle, because that's what this is really about. Is this the punishment for waiting so long? Huh? God, Buddha, Allah, or whoever you are? Okay, I'll take it, that's fair, but the timing's not the best.

_Oh, my goodness!_

I put my head on the steering wheel in my hands because I know it will be hours before I get out of here. Can one be more of a loser than that? I try to look for the phone in my bag, I would like to send her a message, or try to call her so that I can leave a message on the voice mail, anything to let her know that she is in my mind and that I have not forgotten about her. That I'm going to see her. But of course, according to Murphy's law, if something has to go wrong, it's more than certain it's going to get worse. My iphone? No sign of it. Neither in the bag nor in the jacket. Nowhere. Almost certainly on the table at the entrance to home.

_Fuck!_

I throw a scream of exasperation because seriously, it's not normal to forget the phone when it's vital, get stuck in the LA traffic when you should already be somewhere else and guess what? It's even starting to rain. Congratulations, really. I don't even have an umbrella, I haven't changed, I smell like clinic sanitizer and if it doesn't stop raining I'll be wet from head to toe. I couldn't ask for better. Not to mention the loose makeup and the marked dark circles under my eyes.

_I'm a mess._

I sigh, trying to remove the mascara from my eyes with my fingers as I look at myself in the rear-view mirror. All I have to do is wait. I can't do anything else, I would even leave my car here, in the middle of the highway, but in spite of myself, it is more than 10 km and even if I'm one that keeps in shape, it is really too many. In the meantime they sent the traffic news on the radio and it seems that there has been a chain car accident, and the queue is more than 3 km long. And I guess I'm even beyond that distance. Damn it.

_Okay, Chloe, you'll get to her, no matter how long it takes, but you'll be there in no time._

It may seem stupid seen from the outside, but talking out loud to yourself is sometimes a great help to calm down. And I definitely need to do that because otherwise I could freak out at any moment. I just have to concentrate on my breathing and wait. Everything will be fine. Yes.

_12.30 am - on highway of LA_

After finally 3 hours of queue, 3 fucking hours, they managed to make the traffic flow and now we are moving, albeit at moderate speed. I'm very tired, my eyes are burning and my stomach has given up complaining about hunger. I don't even know what time I will arrive at The Forum, but almost certainly the concert will be over at that moment, or it will be about to end. I swear, I would like to have the teleport and be there already. The rain didn't allude to stopping, on the contrary maybe it increased as well. The only thing that fills the silence that surrounds me is the sound of the windscreen wipers that move rhythmically, forward and back, forward and back. As sleepy as I am, they could also hypnotize me and I'd collapse instantly. But I have to stay focused. I can't afford to give up now. I have waited 3 hours, no, 2 years, I cannot give up right now.

_Come on Chloe, come on!_

I whisper to myself because honestly a little encouragement at the moment is needed. And having no one to call to, I have to be stuck with myself.

_In 1 km, keep to the right._

I hear the metallic voice of the GPS device that gives me directions on the route. I notice that there are approximately 15 minutes to go before I reach my destination. It seems they never pass, especially because the anxiety to meet her is felt more now, that I'm getting closer and closer. I tried to think of something to say to her, but I couldn't formulate a sensible speech, or one that might impress her. I don't even know how to do it, I don't even know if she'll want to talk to me. What if I say something wrong? What if in the last few weeks she has gone ahead and doesn't want to see me anymore? If she has found someone? No. No Chloe. She wrote you a song, even if it wasn't really a dedi- stop! I'm panicking. It's okay, I'll go to her, I'll tell her how I feel, hoping not to faint on the spot and everything will go well. Yes. Okay, maybe I have to think about some things with more confidence.

Finally I arrive at The Forum, but of course not to miss anything and especially not to add other difficulties in this evening, the parking lot of the stadium is almost completely empty. Which means that the concert is over and people are already almost all gone, maybe even quickly due to the unceasing rain.

However, it is likely that she is still there, that maybe she stopped in her dressing room with the others to celebrate. It's a possibility, even more than a real one. Isn't that what singers do? Right? I stop the car as close as possible to the entrance and get off immediately in order to enter the hall of the stadium. The lights are all dimmed, at the ticket office there is no longer anyone but I notice not far from me a gentleman with a cleaning trolley, who certainly did not hear me enter.

_Hello?_

He quickly raises his eyes from the floor since he was sweeping, and jumps slightly because it is obvious he didn't expect anyone at this hour.

H_ello young lady. What are you doing here? The concert is over._

_Well..I see, uhm.. Do you happen to know where I can find Beca Mitchell? Is she still here?_

I notice how the gentleman, with his silvery hair and deep wrinkles, smiles at me, I don't know exactly why, but he has something that can calm me down for a moment.

_There is no one here anymore, Miss. Just me and my old bucket. Is there anything else I can do for you?_

_Oh... Good. Um... I'm not sure you can do much else then. Thank you._

I greet him and then turn around and head towards the exit defeat, tired, and even angry. With myself for waiting so long, for wasting time. There's nothing I can do properly. I'm a desperate case.

_Young lady?_

I turn to the gentleman with one hand holding the front door half open. What does he want now? I don't answer, I just look at him and wait for him to continue.

_If my old ears aren't wrong, I think I heard that they were going to celebrate at the Hilton Hotel. You can try it there._

He throws a wink at me and immediately starts cleaning the floor again, while a spontaneous smile is born on my face. A joy, on this day totally to be thrown away. Maybe it's not all lost time, maybe they're really there. I don't waste time saying goodbye to him and I run to the car to reach the Hilton hotel. It's not far from here, I have to hurry. This is my chance. It's only 15 minutes by car, if I push the accelerator a bit even less. Today I'm really risking, if I don't get a fine tonight, I don't think it could happen anymore.

I arrive at the hotel in 10 minutes. I don't know what celestial force had compassion for me, but I didn't find anyone on the street and especially the traffic lights I caught them all green, or yellow. Never red. A blessing every now and then. I get out of the car running, hoping for a vain attempt not to get wet from head to toe, but obviously at the moment I have all my hair wet, my shoes soaked along with the jacket. It looks like I got out of a washing machine. A nice way to introduce yourself in a multi-starred, international hotel, frequented by elite people only. But at the moment I don't care. That's not what I need to be intimidated about now, but more a rejection by Beca. If she's here.

_Hello, madam. Is there anything I can do for you?_

One of the receptionists kindly asks me in a low voice, since it is 1 a.m. and it is supposed that there should be no one around at this time.

_Yes, hello. I'm Dr. Chloe Beale, Miss Mitchell called me urgently to check on her..uh, cat. She doesn't seem well. Can you tell me which room she is in?_

I answer her by showing her my clinic badge, which fortunately I always have in my purse. I have no idea why I have the badge and not the phone, but these are details. I just hope she buys it, and above all I hope she's here. Otherwise great crappy figure.

_Oh... Well in this case, better not make wait for a celebrity like Miss Mitchell. Down the hall to the right are the elevators. 7th floor, room number 715._

_Thank you._

I address a friendly smile to the receptionist and then start first in a normal way, then quickly to the elevator. They clearly have security issues, but who cares. God, my heart is in my throat. And my hands start shaking. What if she's in company? In that sense? I think I can pass out and die instantly. Then recover and kick the shit out of whoever's with her. Okay, Chloe, you're overreacting. 4-5-6.. Hell, I'm here. I hear the sound of the elevator indicating the doors are opening and as soon as I enter the hallway the light is automatically switched on. It's a beautiful hotel, it's no wonder they chose this one to celebrate. My feet walk alone, as if they knew where to go, and in fact in less than 10 seconds I find myself behind her door, staring at that number lacquered in gold, in contrast to the dark door. Okay, take a deep breath, and at my three knocks. 1..2..3.

I don't get an answer. Maybe she's sleeping. Or she's doing something else.

No. I don't want to imagine it that way. Maybe she's taking a shower and hasn't heard. Yes, I'm sure it is so. I just have to wait a while. I've done it so far, let alone if a few more seconds make a difference.

Okay, no. That's not true, it makes a difference. In fact now I knocked a bit louder hoping to make me hear, and especially hoping not to wake up any of the rooms next door.

_Jesus, I'm coming._

I hear her voice muffled by the walls, but it certainly doesn't bode any good. No Chloe, nothing good at all. What a timing.

_What the fuck-? Chloe!_

_Hi._

Pov Beca

Okay, am I dreaming or is Chloe, that Chloe, here at the door of my hotel room, soaking up, at 1 a.m.? What the hell is she doing here?

_H-hi, er... Hi! Wh-what are you doing here?_

It's definitely unexpected. Very unforeseen. But I've seen this scene once before and it didn't end well. And I don't want a second act.

_I, uh... I, it took me a long time to get here._

_Okay?_

I frown my brows and look at her in a suspicious way, because I don't really understand what she wants from me at this exact moment, especially because I was ready to go to sleep as in exactly 4 hours I am flying to New York. She seems nervous, what's the matter with her?

Y_es, I... I know it's not important but- um, never mind. I, did I bother you?_

_At 1 a.m.? Absolutely._

Okay, maybe I should have been a little less of a bitch, all the more so because she seems really in distress. But I couldn't hold myself back. Whatever it is, she should hurry up. I don't have all night.

_Oh... Yeah. You're right, I'm sorry, I would have called you sooner but I forgot my cell- uh.. you know? It's okay... I'm sorry... Uh, goodnight, I'm - yeah, goodnight._

I see her lowering her eyes and walking backwards for a few steps to then turn around and continue towards the elevator. What's wrong with her?

_Chloe? What's the problem?_

She stops in the middle of the corridor, with her clothes dripping and her head down, before turning completely towards me, almost hurt, angry, I wouldn't even know how to describe her.

_You! You're the problem!_

_Excuse me?_

_You heard me right. It's you. It's always been you. I should have known earlier, but I was such an idiot that I didn't realize anything._

_Chloe, what the fuck are you saying?_

She approaches me pointing her finger at me, it seems almost threatening and I sincerely don't hide the fact that some anxiety is being felt, especially since we are talking aloud in the middle of the corridor, at night. What's her problem?

I_ love you. That's what I am saying. I'm fucking in love you, and I'm angry because you are so beautiful and you mean so much to me, and I was supposed to say things less cheesy and you deserve better than me, and I should have figured out all of this way longer before now... And... I'm sorry to have hurt you two years ago, and in these months... And, I do not know what to say anymore... I.. I'm sorry._

I think I don't know how to breathe now. What did she say? Did I get that right? Does she love me? How? When? What happened? Does she feel fine?

_I.. Uh, what?_

I see her moving closer to me, until she's just a few inches away. She's breathtaking. Even with her hair all wet and her eyes tired and full of tears. Is this really happening?

_I've been wrong many times. I failed to listen to you when I had to, and I failed to love you as you deserved. Probably, or rather, surely, I won't be at your height, I won't be able to give you everything you've given me since the first moment we met at the activity fair, but I'm sure of one thing._

She looks down and takes my hands with hers, and I can't help but notice how cold they are. Maybe even more than mine. She stares at them for a moment and then locks her gaze with mine. I feel like I'm paralyzed. If it's a dream, don't wake me up.

_It hasn't passed, and there will never be a day in my life not loving you, and from now on, I won't waste a single moment not trying to prove it. Even if you don't want me. I'll be there anyway, 'cause... Because I love you. Too much to let you go._

I don't know what my expression is like at the moment, but my brain is dead. I can't think of anything meaningful, a sentence, nothing. Black-out.

_Please say something._

I didn't notice that several seconds of silence had passed, in which all I did was staring at her, but actually I wasn't looking at her. I'm trying to process the bomb she dropped, of which not even in my most fervent hopes I would have imagined it this way.

_I... In 4 hours I have a flight._

_Oh... Okay._

Of all the thousands of things you could have said to her, this Beca? Really? What's wrong with you? And now Chloe has left my hands, and has moved away from me with a slight smile on her lips that I know hides all the pain of not having received the answer she wanted. She's probably thinking that I haven't heard a word she's said, or she's taking my sentence as "I don't care". For God's sake, could some neurons who saved themselves help me, please? Thank you.

_Um... I should go._

_No Chloe, wait!_

She had already turned around so she could leave, but I stopped her from her wrist and pulled towards me. It can't happen again. I'm tired of it.

_I... Do you really love me?_

We are so close that maybe only a thread would pass between us. I can feel her breath hurl on my lips, and her shy hand resting on my arm. She seems almost afraid to touch me. The other arm is held by my grip, as if I wanted to be sure in case she decides to turn around and go away, that she can't do it. Not anymore. Her gaze switches between my eyes and my lips, as does mine. I feel my heart exploding in my chest, it seems as if it were beating the seconds that pass waiting for a nod. Please don't make this a joke.

_More than anything in the world._

She says it in silence, with a broken voice, sure that I hear her enough. I can no longer hold myself back and release her arm from my grip, just to be able to move my hand on her face and kiss her. God, I missed her. I can't believe this is really happening. It's as if I triggered an automatic mechanism, as soon as our lips touched, our bodies seemed to have been allowed to act on their own. Her arms are back in place, on my waist, and they hold me more tightly than ever. Like mine, which have intertwined behind her neck and I think they will never move from there again. Our lips seek each other out, move in sync, and her tongue doesn't wait long before it ties in with mine. I feel her tears slide on her cheeks, and blend with mine. I had missed her smell, her taste, her short breath for the air that is missing. It's a needy kiss, which doesn't spare itself. I wish I could recover all the time spent in this moment, in this kiss, I wish it could never end. Just as I would never want to leave her embrace, even though I am becoming soaked too. I don't care. If this is the price I have to pay to be in her arms, I could be in the relentless rain for the rest of my life.

_I love you._

I'll tell her as soon as we move away for a moment, to be able to catch our breath, staying with our heads close. We don't want to split, we can't. We have spent too much time away, and now is no longer bearable.

_Do you?_

_I've never stopped, Beale._

She catches me by surprise by sticking her lips to mine, literally taking my breath away. I slowly go back to be able to enter the room, even though there is no one in the hallway, I don't want them to see us. Not now. It's too important for me to be able to even imagine that someone might be watching.

We don't drift apart even for a second, she follows my movements and eventually, almost unintentionally, I block any of her escape routes she might have, carrying her with her back against the door and my body on her.

_Looks like you're stuck._

I whisper to her looking at her for a moment. I still find it hard to believe that she is really here, that she has declared her love for me and that she is really trying. It sounds surreal. She's beautiful.

_I couldn't have asked for better._

She answers with a smile, God, how much I missed her smile. I can't refrain and I just kiss her again, it's as if I have something inside my chest that pushes me towards her. I want every inch of her face covered by my kisses, her eyes, her cheeks, her chin. Everything. She keeps smiling and I think my heart is about to burst. It's been too long since I felt this way and I thought I wouldn't have the chance any more.

_Is it all true, Chlo?_

I ask her with a slight note of hesitation in my voice, and she seems to have understood my emotional state at the moment. As if she wanted to reassure me, she brings a hand on my face to gently caress me, stopping with her thumb at the corner of my mouth.

-I'm here to stay. My place is here, it always has been. And I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out.

-I don't care. Don't go away again.

I tell her in a low voice, looking her straight in the eyes, and then I lift myself slightly on the tips to be able to kiss her better. I wrap my hands around her face and don't wait a second before I catch her lips again. I can't help it. It looks like a drug. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop.

We get close to the bed, a few steps from the door, and in the meantime I take off her jacket soaked in water and let it fall on the ground. She seems to have understood what is about to happen, and I hear her take off her shoes to abandon them as it happens on the floor, along with mine. I was afraid to dream of this moment because I was sure it would never happen again, because it would hurt me more than a knife in the chest. But now she is here, in front of me with short breath and desire in her eyes. And I think I'll be on fire soon as long as I want her. I don't think twice about it and I take off her shirt tossing it somewhere in the room, and what I see makes me instantly immobilize. I can't believe I'm having the privilege of holding a piece of art in my arms. Because that's what she is. And my eyes will never be tired of her.

_See anything you like?_

She asks me with a provocative smile on her face, and I immediately look up and feel my cheeks flaming. What a bitch.

_You... You're beautiful._

I answer her without taking my eyes off her, noting how now it is her turn to feel embarrassed. And she's even more beautiful. Is it possible? Well, yes, if it's her, everything is. I slowly approach her by moving my hands to the level of her shoulders, fearing even to touch them. I am so focused on observing every inch of her alabaster skin that I don't realize that her fingers have clung to the hem of my t-shirt, hesitant whether to take it off or not.

_Are you sure?_

She asks me in a trembling voice, looking for a permission that I have already granted her in my mind since the first moment I laid eyes on her.

_Yes, make love with me. Please._

She kindly lifts my arms to be able to take out that insignificant piece of clothing, and then pushes me gently onto the bed, with her warm body in contact with mine. No need for words, that's all here, the mind off and hearts on. The silence of the room is filled only with our breaths, the noise of our kisses, of us.

If they had asked me as a child what love was, I would probably have said it didn't exist. Because in all honesty it's true. It's not real, you can't touch it, you don't know what it's like.

If I had to give an answer now to that question, I would remain of the same idea. Because it's like that, you can't see it, but I would add one thing.

Love can be many things, a smile from a passer-by, a hug from a friend, looking in the mirror and liking each other. You can't see it, but you can feel it. You can feel your heart beating, your hands tingling, your breath cut off. And then, you can describe it.

Ocean eyes.

For me this is love.

Chloe Beale.

You know, some loves can make endless journeys, but eventually, they come back.

And she's back.

**The end.**

The song that Beca sings in this chapter is "Someone to stay" by Vancouver Sleep Clinic. If you want, listen it. It is the one that gives me inspiration to start writing this story. Thanks to everyone who has read it till the end. Bye guys.


End file.
